August is
looking to be a busy and challenging month, which actually started already in
July… With my last few posts on “sabbatical”
life you might think my absence here has been because I have been blissfully
raptured in Silence. Not so… J
Instead I have been attending to the requirements of daily living, and
tense family issues – feeling more like an automaton in “The Matrix” –
distracted from the deeper Life within…
Hubby is
winging his way south again on the long 525 mile ride to visit his mother in NM
for a few days, which will finally give me some days to settle into meditative
Silence, living “sabbatically” – meditating, journaling, reading, painting, or
however Being moves within – finding The Rhythm again - moving intuitively and
fluidly *with* the day – like spontaneously writing this post… J
Although I love my “alone time” I am already reminded how much I miss
him when he’s not here – anticipating his safe return…
Also
anticipating Mother’s eye surgery, scheduled for Aug 14th, requiring
several appointments before and after.
We already had one 3 hour appointment in the surgeon’s office. It’s been frustrating with her dementia to
get everything coordinated, and everyone on the same page. My mother’s confusion is getting worse,
although she is able to hide it quite well when we go to for her
appointments. I didn’t realize how serious
it was until I discovered that she couldn’t answer my questions about when her
appointments were, and what they were for, as she had managed to get it all
confused, even though she had written it all down. You see, I made the mistake of letting her
make her own appointments, not wanting to “take over”, not realizing just how
serious her dementia was getting. I
wanted to let her still feel like she was in control of her own life - as if any of us really are – and yet she
believes she is – and is not giving up easily.
She insists that she’s not confused, and is feeling like we are making
her look that way. And yet, clearly,
there is confusion, loss of memory from one moment to the next, and a strong
willed stubbornness that doesn’t want to admit that she needs help keeping
track of things – like a bill that didn’t get paid for 3 months! Oh dear…
And of
course, there is the anticipation of how things will go the day of surgery and
the day after. Like will she be able to see…
Last time she could not see out of her eye the day after surgery. No one had told her that that was a
possibility. She had gone into the surgery anticipating that her eyesight would
immediately improve. Instead, she needed a corneal transplant 4 months later. And with my own health issues I wonder if I will
have the stamina to to stand up under the physical and emotional strain with
little sleep – anticipating an early morning surgery time – like 6:30am, check
in up to two hour before. Are you
kidding me! I don’t even know how my
mother will be able to do that! So I
commandeered my husband to go with me for support. J Everythying is done outpatient now, requiring
family to be the primary caretakers. Thankfully, at home, my sister has that
duty of eye drops every two hours.
Added to
this we were anticipating the possibility of my Mother-in-law having to be
transferred to a Care Facility here near us from NM in August. We checked into local facilities with
Alzheimer’s units. Her coming here would
mean I would be actively engaged in her care - being on top of things with the
care facility, and several daily visits to help feed her. Gratefully that is not going to happen. But needless to say with the uncertainty and
anticipation I have been feeling a little overwhelmed - knowing that I need
“sabbatical.”
All this
anticipation is based on the story of what *might* happen, I know… But sometimes life is lived that way – with
anticipation. It’s not that one is not
in the moment as it is, but it also unfolds with anticipation. At least that *is* how Life is unfolding here
at the moment. I need to remember that
it’s all just waves on the great Ocean of Consciousness, and turn towards the
Inner Abiding Self – and abide there; not getting overwhelmed by the requirements
of life at the moment - although at times I feel like I’m climbing Mt. Everest
without air – but lean into the mountain/moment and keep going.
Window
sitting, meditiating, and Silence are my ways of leaning into life, maintaining
the awareness of, communing with, and deepening into the Divine Presence
within, the vast Cosmic
Ocean in which this life,
this story, is all happening. This is not
my “escape” but my Life-line, so that I might fully function and be present in
the midst of challenging times… Looking
“forward” to the present moment of “sabbatical” J
How
quickly life changes… J
4 hours
after B’s departure he called to say he was having car trouble. He had stopped at a “garage” off the highway
to see if they could tell what was wrong.
They couldn’t. Told him he needed
to find a dealership; they suggested he go back to Colorado Springs, more than two hours
away. He hoped he could make it all the
way back home. I am not sure I could
even drive our 23 year old little Honda Civic anymore to go get him, as it is
stick shift with a difficult clutch.
So I waited
- moment to moment – filled with anticipation – what ifs – hoping the car
didn’t completely break down - waiting for the next phone call, indicating the
next milestone.
I would
like to believe that I could just step back into a wonderful place of peace and
presence and deep acceptance of what is, but I was on edge – with anticipation
– for nearly 4 hours. So this is living
in the moment, which in the moment was anticipation… And even in that there is “acceptance”
because what else can one do, but wait and anticipate… Life is what it is from moment to
moment.
He
arrived safely home at 6:45pm….
Ahhhh –
life… J
