Facing Down the Dragons - a meandering...

I knew this is why I keep entering "The Cave."  I keep getting
chased down by fear and anger - again and again.  I have carried
them all my life, in different forms, and I am exhausted
from carrying them - the weight of darkness.  I have tried many
 times over the years to lay fear down, to trick it, to manage it,
to numb it, to be aware of it...  But awareness of it is not enough.
  It must be faced full on - in all its disguises: anxiety, anger,
frustration, and stress.  But first, I had to experience the
Silence of Being in "The Cave", to prepare the way to open to
meet Fear, and allow myself to experience it all the way through. 
 I am not yet "through" the fear, in its myriad forms.
  It is an ongoing process.

"The Cave", or "sanctuary" serves several purposes.  It provides
the physical space, a room, like a holding space, and, is also the
inner space of deep Silence that is the foundation of seeing with
clarity, for entering into the exploration and investigation of the
hidden shadows of the self in the safety of the deeper space of
Awareness.

The first night that I sat with fear in "The Cave", many years ago,
I was amazed that Awareness curiously moved towards it, and 
experienced it.  Awareness was not afraid of the fear, but was
compassionate towards it.  A small opening of light came through.
I began to relax and allow the fear to be, instead of trying to
push it away.

The second night I sat with fear, I became aware that I am
somehow invested in it, an unconscious and habituated response
to life, although I don't understand why or the dynamics of how
that happened.  But I realized that there is an unconscious
pattern and a familiarity with fear that makes it hard to
"just let go", as some suggest, despite the pain that creates it.
It is such an ingrained, habituated pattern that in a sense it
has become the default position in my psyche.

In sitting with fear, I became aware that fear is the mind's view
of things.  It's the view through the lens of fear that I am 
somehow attached to...  Something needs to be seen more deeply
here, but at this point, these many years later, I am still blind
to it.

The third night I realized that anxiety traumatizes the body.
Fear is very visceral, releasing all kinds of fear hormones and
bodily symptoms that wear out the body...  There was the
understanding, over and again, that fear is triggered by thoughts
believed to be true, to be real, creating this physical trigger -
the body-mind's response to a mental state of mind - a biological
response to the mind's view.  The body-mind mechanism
automatically defaults to anxiety with its resulting physical
felt experience of trauma.  Even the *thought* of facing the fear
creates fear.  It is so uncomfortable physically that it is hard to
face this construct of fear without spiraling into panic.

And I realized - once again - that despite many "awakenings",
much of the time my life is still fear driven by this underground
electrical current - short circuiting everything in its path.  
Anxiety has become an entrapment, a prison - a private self-torture
of and by the mind...

I have seen all these insights before and yet there is still "fearing",
even now as each new life experience arises.

What is the remedy I asked:

These words emerged from within, from the Deep Silence:

Follow the Fear.  Let it take you deeper.  Deeply attend to it.
Explore the tendrils of it.  Allow yourself to *fully* experience it.
Watch how it plays itself out: where it goes, what it tells you,
where it leads the mind and body.  Trust where it takes you.

Mystic Meandering
originally written 2010
updated 2024

~*~

"In order to transform our fears
we must be willing to enter the cave
of the Blue Dragon.
There we come face to face
with our despair
and all aspects of the mind...

Standing at the mouth of the cave
of the Blue Dragon
and yelling 'I'm not afraid'
is not the same as entering it
with compassion for who (what)
we will find."

Genju -  108zenbooks

~*~

"It takes exhaustion to stop running...
to surrender and be led within
deeper and deeper into the journey,
the dazzling, dark journey into ourselves..."

Ameeta - Self discovering self

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

a sheet of scrapbooking paper
color digitally inverted

The Epitome of Truth - Alan Watts

Death is the epitome of the truth that in each moment we are
thrust into the unknown.  Here all clinging to security is
compelled to cease, and whenever the past is dropped away
and safety abandoned, life is renewed.  Death is the unknown
in which all of us lived before birth.

Nothing is more creative than death, since it is the whole secret
of life.  It means that the past must be abandoned, that the 
unknown cannot be avoided, that "I" cannot continue, and
that nothing can be ultimately fixed.  When a man knows this,
he lives for the first time in his life.  By holding his breath, he
loses it.  By letting it go he finds it.

Alan Watts
From: The Wisdom of Insecurity:
A Message for an Age of Anxiety

With thanks to Whiskey River

Photo from Beyond the Fields We Know

 

Uncertainty Is Hard on the Brain - Markham Heid

...what decades pf psychological research has borne out - is
that the human brain is uniquely vulnerable to uncertainty.
There's evidence that an inability to tolerate uncertainty is a
central feature of most anxiety disorders, and that uncertainty
stokes the sorts of "catastrophic interpretations" that fuel panic
attacks.  Some researchers have even argued that fear of the
unknown is the bedrock fear that human beings experience -
the one that gives rise to all other fears - and that a person's
ability to weather periods of uncertainty is a fundamental
characteristic of a healthy, resilient mind.

As the world grapples with.....the nightmare of Covid-19,
the rhythms and rituals [routines] of American life are
indefinitely disrupted...

...uncertainty disrupts many of the habitual and automatic
mental processes that govern routine action.  This disruption
creates a conflict in the brain, and this conflict can lead to a
state of both hyper-vigilance and outsized emotional reactivity
to negative experiences or information.  In other words,
uncertainty acts like rocket fuel for worry; it causes people to
see threats everywhere they look, and at the same time it makes
them more likely to react emotionally in response to those threats.

Uncertainty lays the groundwork for anxiety because anxiety is
always future-oriented...  The human brain has the capacity to
imagine all the worst things that could happen.  And the more
uncertainty there is - the more likely the brain is to conjure up
and fixate on the worst-case scenarios.

Even minor periods of unpredictability can cause significant
negative effects. ...the lack of control sends stress and anger
levels through the roof.  ...removing the element of uncertainty
makes one feel better.

The more people engage in worrying, the less they feel
confident in their ability to solve a problem and the worse
their solutions to that problem tend to be.  If you're going to
be spending six or seven hours a day worrying about the
coronavirus, you're going to be building up and strengthening
the neural connections that support this activity.  Worrying
breeds more worry.

So what can people do to combat the effects of uncertainty?
...focusing on the present can help dispel uncertainty and the
anxiety it foments.  Do things you enjoy.  Get out a book you've
been wanting to read, or watch a movie, or talk with a friend.
Occupy your brain with work, chores, entertainment, [creativity],
or other activities related to the source of uncertainty; something
that gets your brain into the present moment.

This may also be the perfect time to finally give mindfulness a try.
...embracing [what you are doing in] the moment can distract us
from worry and what may or may not happen. ..."letting go" of
things one has no control over may be the best way to shrink
worry down to a manageable size.

Markham Heid
From an article in Medium.com

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

A Story of Unexpected Compassion

While at the cardiologist's office last week, signing in with the receptionist, asking her some questions, a woman suddenly appeared behind me.  She interrupted in a frantic, anxious voice, obviously distressed:

"I don't mean to interrupt, but I just need to know when my appointment is because I have an echogram scheduled down the hall and I want to make sure I don't miss my appointment with the doctor."

I gently responded " no problem" to her interruption and stepped aside while she frantically went on.  I immediately noticed a portion of a vertical scar on her chest above the open top of her blouse - a sign of open heart surgery.

She was a fairly young (through my 68 year old eyes) short woman, disheveled, with stringy, dirty-blonde hair.  And even though it was nearly 60 degrees with no snow on the ground, she wore snow boots and a winter coat that sat cockeyed on her shoulders as she flailed her arms about excitedly; the unbuttoned coat flapped around as she flailed, in very apparent anxiety.  She reminded me of one of those odd characters in stories or movies, who interrupt a scene to bring awareness to something; to get your attention.  I could see the stress and fear on the woman's face, and in her body motions...  It was a familiar look and feeling.  I could relate...  I saw myself in her - although not quite as exaggerated - but often how I feel inside...

She kept apologizing for interrupting, and I kept saying it was no problem at all, that I understood; trying to put her at ease.

The receptionist, somewhat guarded, responded to her in a firm, almost stern voice - that her appointment was at 2:30 (it was now just after 1pm), and that she had time to get her echocardiogram done and come back in time for her appointment.  The woman left in a hurry, scuffing her snow boots across the carpeted floor.

I finished with the receptionist and took a seat, waiting for my turn.

After my visit with the doctor, I came out to a full waiting room - a sea of faces.  As I stood at the desk to make another appointment, I turned and saw the disheveled woman sitting there - fidgeting.  While I waited for the scheduler to attend to me, as she made no acknowledgment of my presence, I turned to the woman and said: "I see you made it back ok" - smiling.

She exhaled a long drawn out "yessss", looking frazzled - making more antsy body movements in her chair.

I said to her - "I have anxiety too" and smiled again, just wanting to soothe the woman's obvious internal suffering, as I knew deeply what that feels like - to be so anxious, to be so wound up inside that calmness doesn't seem possible at times.  And how "peace" often feels like a noble idea, just out of reach, while my frenetic mind and body take over, just like hers did.

I am haunted by the memory of her now - knowing how painful it is to go through life with such emotional intensity and the fear that lies hidden in the body, erupting in uncontrollable outbursts of anxiety at times - or heart problems :) - when awareness fails - although I have learned to meet it when the fearful mind arises, embracing it - trying to ride out its ferocity...  still...  I know how it feels when it is out of control...

Afterwards I was very aware that "I" didn't *decide* to be compassionate, yet Something in me responded automatically to her, from the Heart.  Compassion arose unexpectedly; a heartfelt response to reach out to someone in trouble - emotionally.

How ironic - in the cardiologist's office, where they take care of hearts, that I would experience a real Heart opening for another human being; meeting her where she was in her fear, not making judgments about her behavior...  Maybe that was a reflection, just a little glimpse in the mirror, of who "I" truly am - the True Self within.  Deep inside this fearful heart beats a Heart of Compassion...  I find that somehow comforting...

It's there in all of us, our True Nature, if we only open to it...

_/\_

Namaste

Please note:  this is not written to say how wonderful I am.  It's not about "me" being compassionate, but how the Heart opened and compassion arose unexpectedly.  How the disheveled woman came to me to teach me that it is there even when I don't realize it.  The woman's "condition" slowed my mind and gave me a different perspective.  I am forever grateful to the disheveled woman, and send her blessings wherever she is...

~*~

The only difference between "you" and "me"
are the words and concepts of "you" and "me."
The Source of everything is the same
- Love and Compassion -
this is [the True] Self.

Papaji

The Deep 'F'...

Winter is definitely upon us.  All the other snowfalls so far this season were only teasing us with their beauty.  We are now in the clutches of winter’s cold fingers - the deep freeze...

We’ve been in the deep freeze since Tuesday night when the temps suddenly dropped 45 degrees escorted by a 4” snowfall.  We’ve been below zero every night.  Day-time highs in the single digits mostly, so nothing is melting. And Mr. Sun has only made a few short-lived appearances.

Anxiety seems to have me in its clutches as well – the deep fear - constantly worried and vigilant.  Will the pipes freeze?  Will the furnace keep running?  And – it’s running constantly!  Ka-ching$, Ka-ching.$  Will the garage door open?  Will the car start?  It’s been an interesting lesson on how easily the mind and surface self with its fears and worries can take over and veil the beauty that is here, getting entangled in hyper-vigilance, as if that would stop something from “going wrong.”  And of course the mind is convinced that something will go wrong…  What a set up that is!   I became aware of how easily the mind and fear can inhabit the moment – the day – the body… And it’s not a pretty picture! The mind needed to be refocused and reoriented to what is ultimately Real.  I told myself: Refocus on the breath, don’t follow the mind, instead, give the mind something to do – journal, write, read, create - and turn your awareness to the deeper space of Silence within – the ultimate reality.  Not happenin.’ J  It surprised me to find that the voice of the Infinite was drowned out by the sirens of fear…

My husband swears I *look* for things to go wrong – maybe so.  I was conditioned well.  They are very old and deep fears, from childhood I think – being given responsibility too soon, needing to be a “grown up” too soon, and now I feel *responsible* for *everything* anticipating what *might* happen, leading to a need to control what cannot be controlled.  I’ve been in denial about all this, although my husband reminds me of it all the time. J  I’m surprised actually at how quickly this old conditioning arose.  To my chagrin, I am apparently still a product of my DNA, both physically and emotionally.  The body easily re-addicted itself to the feeling of fear/anxiety.  It remembers it all too well.  In moments of awareness I thought to myself – well, isn’t this interesting - if you think you’re enlightened spend a week in the deep freeze! – worrying.  I think I’ve given up that illusive “enlightened” self-image!  And realized there’s a child inside who’s still afraid of the big bad wolf that’s huffing and puffing – even though I know it is pure fantasy…  It’s interesting to me that we can be aware of how the mind functions on fear and still follow it down that rabbit hole of delusion.

Maybe the gift of the deep freeze is to see all this about myself, to actually *see* these places within myself where I am still frozen with fear, and where I am still deluded…  It certainly has done its job! J  I’m *aware*!  But awareness is only the beginning of real change…

I managed to lose my-self (and the grip of anxiety), for a few moments, in a few photo shots this week so far.  They say we won’t thaw out til Tuesday when temps go above freezing *in the afternoon* - hopefully a “warming trend” – outside AND within… J LOL

“We are constantly ‘waking up’ in every moment that confronts us,
to remember *what* we really are:
Consciousness before form.
Otherwise our ‘spirituality’ can become just another layer
in our armour.”

Dear Hubby J

Free Floating Anxiety...

How interesting that July started out with a new “Passion for Life” and is ending up in deep underground pools of free floating anxiety.  I hadn’t realized that these underground pools were still there, waiting to pull me under and nearly drown me.  And it wasn’t the “big event” of the shooting in the movie theatre that triggered it.  No, it was the little things that sent me head long back into contraction… 

The week started off with breaking off a professional relationship with someone when I realized we were not on the same wave length spiritually, nor did we share the same vision - for me. Instead she had her own agenda, and my red flags kicked in to full gear when I realized this was not going to be a beneficial relationship.  It triggered anxiety to intuitively step out and do what was “right” for me.  The old message that it isn’t okay to be “real”/honest/authentic – to say “no” – to pay attention to my intuition and not just follow the path of another – taking on their perspective.  Strangely, stepping out, following my inner Voice, was the trigger for a week long episode of familiar disabling anxiety.

I am aware that this is a deeply engrained, life long, neuronal pathway that is like a constant stimulus in the brain that says, danger, danger, life is dangerous – being who you are is dangerous…  And there is evidently a remembered response of anxiety in the body-mind.  By Tuesday I was beginning to slip away into the pull of its currents.    

“We”, well actually DH decided that it was also time to take our car in for transmission repair the same week that we also had some preventative plumbing issues taken care of…  It was a week of over stimulation, and by Friday I was drowning in the cesspools of anxiety unable to come up for air.  I was paralyzed by what others would consider to be a small series of life events.  I know I was primed for this in childhood.  It has been my modus operandi through life.  But through the mind muck I *was* able to realize that life was really only reflecting back to me the hidden trauma and anxiety that was already there, residing in the underground pools – waiting for me to notice - again. 

It’s interesting to me how some people can go through life barely scathed by life events, not disabled by anxiety, and others, like me, are sensitive to the external stimuli of trying to juggle life... Some are just better jugglers.   Even if I know it is only the mind mechanism at play here – it’s debilitating.  It’s my blind spot, so-to-speak, where I am not fully aware…

It was also interesting to watch how this feeling escalated out of control, even knowing that all I had to do was return my awareness to the ever-present Primal Beingness that holds it all.  It became clear that I was still identified with this anxious, fear mongering mind within – not the Essential Being that we are.  But no amount of meditation, or trying to switch perspectives would allow my mind to ‘let go.’ Believe me, if I could have found the perception switch I would have changed to a different channel!  So I rode the waves, and free floated in the experience of anxiety as treacherous as it felt at times.  And I still feel it creeping up on me, as car issues have not been resolved.  There have been other issues created by messin’ with the transmission that we were not prepared for.  Apparently there is a deeper awareness to be discovered here… No, not about the car.   So I surf the waves once again – free floating – holding on to the life raft of awareness that there is something present here beyond the fear, that is untouched by any life experience.

It is challenging to practice deep acceptance, to keep turning my awareness towards Primordial Presence and remember the Primal Message of life – that there is only Beingness – the vast field of Aware Consciousness - in which all of life occurs – including its anxieties. It is challenging to remember that this Primal Being is at the Heart of every experience of life, no matter how painful.  And to remember that everything that happens in life, and our reaction to it, is to bring us to greater awareness of our True Nature – to wake us up to our True Nature.  Evidently I’m still waking up, expanding awareness *through* the experience of anxiety…

From a non-dual perspective there is *nothing* that can affect this Primal, Essential Beingness that we are.  And yet, the body-mind tells us differently.  Through our beliefs *about* life, and how it should be happening; about how we see our self, or how we believe we should be, and what we identify ourselves with - the mind-identified person - anxiety arises.  Instead, when we identify with the Vastness of Being, it is the life raft that allows us to float on the sea of life… 

Just writing about this has brought perspective again ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Tea with Ang Ziety

Maybe you know Ang Ziety? She hangs out a lot with me. She’s like an undercurrent hum of an electrical buzz – the neurons on overload and over-stimulation, misfiring, creating havoc in this body… She’s been with me all my life actually, you’d think we’d be in better relationship by now. But, she’s unpredictable and neurotic so I never know what to expect. And I tend to try to keep a lid on her, relegating her to the underground so she won’t spiral out of control. But she refuses to stay there, which actually is a good thing.

I have had tea with her many times before, befriending her. I danced with her in the shower, and met her in “The Cave.” I have used a variety of techniques to address her throughout the years: Byron Katie –Loving What Is - the 4 questions work (read it 3 times); Tara Brach’s wonderful book – Radical Acceptance; Pema Chodron – The Places That Scare You; Richard Moss – The Mandala of Being – love this book; Debbie Ford – The Dark Side of the Light Chasers is a particularly good book for understanding and working with shadow aspects. And then there’s always the “inner child work” books, and so forth. And, I’ve had lots of “therapy.” :) I know there is much debate out there on the efficacy of “the psychological approach” for what ails mankind – I found it helpful. All the teachings, techniques and therapies seemed to help when I was working with them – easing the angst of anxiety for a while, but never really “curing” it. What I mean by “cure” is a deep abiding shift in perception and a re-identification with our authentic Being. Anxiety, despite all my insights and practices has not significantly shifted. The anxious mind still wreaks havoc like a child with ADHD, constantly needing re-direction and re-focus. So there must be something deeper that needs to be addressed.

Over the years I have developed my own ways of addressing her. I do not presume to tell anyone how to work with their demons. We each have to find our own way. I am just sharing my experience here. When I’m not frightened by my little gremlins of fear, I see them as little orphans who just want to be acknowledged, embraced, fed and loved. Their underlying issues have been disowned, roaming out on the streets, homeless. They need to be brought home to the Womb of the Heart again. So I welcome them by recognizing their presence, dialoging with them in my journal, holding an energetic space for them to be here, and introduce them to the Heart of Being once again.

Anyway, Ang and I sat last Wednesday.

Initially I ask a few general questions like: What is the truth of this anxiety? What is needed here? Or, more specifically - what does Anxiety want/need – sometimes giving her a name. I mindfully ask questions until the “right” one resonates from within. And then I sit, waiting for the “answer” from within. It became clear that the “answer” this time was that she needed a sense of security and stability. I could not offer her those biscuits at the moment. Life just isn’t that way right now.

In sitting with Ang, acknowledging her fear, feeling her in my body, moving with her, the image of a hyper child, or a hyper puppy, experiencing separation anxiety emerged. Over the years I have discovered that Ang needs lots and lots of reassurance to *not* feel separate, abandoned, or threatened by life’s changes. She needs to learn to trust that she is in fact not separate from Source at all, and that she will be supported by That… Convincing her is not easy however. Life is pretty groundless at the moment.

Each time I sit with Ang and look into anxiety I discover the same root cause of Ang’s angst: a deep sense of separateness from that which I *know* myself to be – the True Self – Being – pure Awareness. Ang somehow feels “disconnected” from this felt sense of the deep Stillness of the Inner Being – our True Nature - and can’t seem to find her way back Home. She is like a frightened child that, once separated from the womb, did not develop a sense of security, stability and trust in her inner Knowing Awareness. It also became quite clear that “I” had identified with Ang, with anxiety. “I” became her. “I” bought into the identity of being an anxious, separate person, developing a kind of attachment to anxiety. And when “I” *believes* her thought streams “I” feels separate. I can’t explain it, it just happens this way – despite *knowing* that we are never separate from Source. Separation is evidently a very deeply engrained neural pattern in mankind.

Tara Brach says something to the effect that it is harder for people who have experienced serious trauma early in life to trust their inner Being, to trust that “The Beloved”, is there for them. That is - seeing “The Beloved” inside themselves - *as* themselves – knowing That is who they are, and trusting That. I understand this…

I end by asking: How does Being want to relate to this anxiety? The answer is always – with compassion, gentleness and love – not trying to get rid of her, or make her behave, but seeing what the deeper need is and addressing that – the wound of separation. And evidently what Ang needs is some experiential re-programming from within. Ah-ha!

Ultimately, what I understand over and over again is that it all comes down to – “entrainment” – entrainment with Being. By that I mean experiencing a *felt sense* of Inner Beingness – beyond training the mind in methods and techniques – an actual, felt experience of the Stillness of Being that we are. This comes through a willingness to sit with That which we are – our Beingness/Source – until we are fully established in That; re-identifying *as* That which we are. The only way I have found to do that is to actually get a felt sense experience of what “That” feels like. So the more I relax into Being, meditate on what this BEingness that I am feels like - becoming aware of the Spaciousness of pure Awareness - the more I entrain *experientially* with that which “I” is – eventually *re-cognizing* a seamless intimacy with That.

So Ang and ”I” meet in “the chair”, at the Pool of Awareness, bask in the beautiful Stillness beyond stillness, and relax into Beingness. It is the true Elixer for what ails the wound of separation…

~*~


Meditating is not the only way to experience our True Nature – Being.
There are many ways to relax into this Space.
Massage, Music, Nature, Contemplative Dance,
Contemplative Art and Photography…
Qi Gong, Tai Chi,
Energy work – given and received,
Mindfulness in daily living,
awareness of what in us is Awake and Aware – Being.

0-60

I don’t understand how this happens really, how I can go from O-6O so quickly. I had 3 wonderful days of Liquid Life, “Nirvana”, profound Peace, Bliss – Zero point – suspended in the Womb of the Heart last week. The tangible, expansive, felt sense of “The Beloved” was so deep and undeniable that I thought, wow, *this* is what all the spiritual teachers are talking about – the deep, incredible profound space of Absolute Awareness and the Peace that passes understanding. And now I’m steeping in anxiety again… Go figure.

I could feel it begin to rev up again uncontrollably a couple of days ago – life stuff you know – the usual stories – the mind latching onto them. And before I knew it my mind was like a race car speeding around that same old track – fixating on form once again – and everything blurred. Darn. I thought once one had slipped into that nirvanic womb all the old patterns just magically washed away. That happens to some I hear, everything just drops away – depression, fear, anxiety – whatever has ailed them dissolves into the liquid womb, and “they” are forever changed. That does not seem to be the case here – at least not permanently - which always leaves me feeling lacking, adding to the pain of separation – that strange mind malady; the pool of separateness that the mind likes to bathe in – the mud bath, which makes that speedway thought track a little messy…

So it’s back to “the chair” for extended R&R at the pool of Awareness again. Actually I’ve been sneaking away to “the chair” more lately – resting, deeply relaxing, turning my awareness to “The Beloved” as much as possible, basking in the deep Womb of the Heart – until Ms. Anxiety arrived. So now I will invite Ms. Anxiety to join me – she’s here anyway – idling her engines, raring to go. So I’ll take a look under the hood and see what her issues are this time. It’s always somethin’…

In the mean time I have my little reminders posted on the kitchen cabinet door for the forgetting times like these; reminders that underneath the blur of anxiety is still a peaceful depth of pure Silence that flows...

~*~

Top Photo - Blown glass ball radially blurred

Meeting Fear in "The Cave..."

I knew this is why I entered “The Cave.” I keep getting chased down by anxiety and fear. And so I knew - it is time to stop running, get still, listen and meet this debilitating fear – again. I have carried it all my life and I am exhausted from carrying it. I have tried many times over the years to lay this fear down, to trick it, to manage it, to numb it, to be aware of it… But awareness of it is not enough. It must be faced full on – in all of its disguises. But first, I had to experience the Silence of deep Rest in “The Cave” to prepare the way, to be open to meet Fear, and allow myself to experience it all the way through. I am not yet “through” the fear, but the journey has begun - with trepidation – but no longer resistant…

“The Cave” serves several purposes. It provides the physical space, like a holding space, and is the inner space of deep Silence that is the foundation for seeing with clarity, for entering into the exploration and investigation of the hidden shadows of the self in the safety of the deeper space of Awareness.

The first night that I sat with fear in the “The Cave” I was amazed that Awareness curiously moved towards it, entered it, and experienced it. It was not afraid of fear, but was compassionate towards it. A small opening of light came through. I began to relax and allow the fear to be.

The second night I sat with fear I became aware that I am somehow invested in it, although I don’t understand why or the dynamics of how that happened. But I realized that there is an attachment and a familiarity with fear that makes it hard to just “let go of” despite the pain that it creates. It is such an ingrained, habituated pattern that in a sense it has become the default position in my psyche.

In sitting with fear I became aware that fear is the mind’s view of things. It’s the view through the lens of fear that I am somehow attached to… I “know” intellectually that fear is based on a belief in a separate “self” – but that knowledge is also not enough. Something needs to be seen more deeply here, but at this point I am still blind to it.

The third night I realized that anxiety traumatizes the body. Fear is very visceral, releasing all kinds of fear hormones and bodily symptoms that wear out the body… There was the understanding, once again, that fear is triggered by thoughts believed to be true, to be real, creating this physical trigger – the body-mind’s response to a mental state of mind – a biological response to the mind’s view. The body-mind mechanism automatically defaults to anxiety with its resulting physical felt experience of trauma. Even the *thought* of facing the fear creates fear. It is so uncomfortable physically that is it hard to face this construct of fear without spiraling into panic.

And I realized - once again - that despite many “awakenings”, much of the time my life is fear driven by this underground electrical current – short circuiting everything in its path. Anxiety has become an entrapment, a prison - a private self-torture of the mind…

I have seen all these insights before and yet there is still “fearing.”

What is the remedy then I asked…

These words emerged from within: Follow the Fear. Let it take you deeper. Deeply attend to it. Explore the tendrils of it. Allow yourself to *fully* experience it. Watch how it plays itself out; where it goes, what it tells you, where it leads the mind and body. Trust where it takes you.

Oh sure, I thought… Easy for you to say – whoever “you” are! And yet I know this is “right.”

And so in the depths of Inner Silence I continue to meet Fear again and again. This time I am willing to stay with it, to see it through, to walk hand and hand with it deeper into “The Cave.”

~*~


“In order to transform our fears
we must be willing to enter the cave
of the Blue Dragon.
There we come face to face
with our despair
and all aspects of the mind…

Standing at the mouth of the cave
of the Blue Dragon
and yelling ‘I’m not afraid’
is not the same as entering it
with compassion for who (what) we will find.”

Genju – 108zenbooks


*


“It takes exhaustion to stop running…
to surrender and be led within,
deeper and deeper into this journey,
the dazzling dark journey into ourselves…”

Ameeta – Self discovering self

~*~

photo - scrapbook paper

Willing to Dance...

Thursday I hit a wall. My body would not agree to do anymore. It was electrically buzzing, as if all circuits had been overloaded. They had. Something was off kilter and would not function. I was definitely out of sync with my Self – living at the surface of life instead of at the depths. Five and one half weeks of family crises, emotional and mental stress, as well as physical caretaking physically and emotionally drained me. I am not used to living at such a pace on any level, out of rhythm with my own rhythms. So the body just said – STOP! PLEASE! So of course there was no choice… I landed on the couch about noonish, and there I stayed, except for cooking lunch and dinner. My body was “out of service.”

I am aware that part of the fatigue (both physically and emotionally) is a constant sense of stress and anxiety that got triggered with this new round of life experiences. I am also aware that it is a lifelong habitual mind created fear and anxiety. There is a deep neuronal groove there. An underlying fear has always been my life’s companion since childhood. And here she was again – pounding at my door. I thought I had gotten rid of her on my “spiritual path” – at least had diminished her to a more “manageable” level over the years. I was disheartened by her incessant knocking again. I could feel her gripping my solar plexus, contracting and contorting me. Over the last few weeks I have tried to ignore her and just keep pushing forward – hoping that keeping busy would keep me from experiencing her dreaded presence. I realized at the same time how stupid that was, as she was making her presence known anyway, peeking in through the windows, trying to come down the chimney. She was no longer willing to be kept at bay. I tried breathing techniques, journaling about it, meditating, and was very *aware* of the mind blizzard that was giving her an opportunity to seep under the door. But none of these “worked.” She would not be satisfied until she was *acknowledged* - meeting her in the dungeon. But I resisted her relentless pain and torture – until Friday morning.

I awoke Friday morning in the grip of fear once again. I thought maybe sleep would magically make things better. :) I had a busy day ahead: helping my sister with a shower, being emotionally present, taking her to her afternoon appointment, picking up groceries, etc. I didn’t know how I would be able to do all this with a body that wasn’t working well. It created anxiety just thinking about how I was going to function! I breathed into the lower dan-tien, as I do every morning, repeating – “Awareness.” This time I was just trying to bypass the torture that was going on in the mind and gut. I thought if I could just get the energy flowing, feel a little more grounded, the gut-wrenching grip would clear itself and this innate sense of fear would subside. It was slightly assuaged, yet still hung on. So I shifted my awareness and breath to the solar plexus – breathing into the painful presence of fear. I allowed myself to really feel it without resisting, or flinching, or avoiding. With my inner vision I began to open the door - to *see* what was hiding there in the dark. There was no boogeyman. There were no writhing snakes, no chained monster with long tail and breathing fire. It was just – pain and contraction – just fear.

In the shower that morning I had a purging realization. Some of my best insights happen in the shower, where I am naked and vulnerable and alone. All the barriers come down – and surrender happens. In a purging moment of surrender I blurted out to the fear: I am willing to dance with you! I am willing to dance with you! I am willing to dance with you!

No, fear did not magically leave, but there was a release of her tight grip. She knew she had gotten my attention, that I was listening at a deeper level now - that I was willing. I was willing to hear her, to feel her, to dance with her – to let her open me. That hasn’t completely happened yet either, but the door is ajar with a less fearful sense of fear. We’ve entered a new dance that *allows* her presence here. I felt a renewed strength in the willingness to just be with her, and to let her be with me – companions dancing through this life experience. Amazlingly I was able to function at a higher level throughout the day.

And so, you may be asking – what does this have to do with the above picture of the post-it note message that says: Compassion Invites – “fierce presence” – Dancing with Life… Each note was written at separate times over the last year or so and just placed on the cabinet door. They happen to fall into this order. In the meeting of the fear that morning the statement they make together made sense. When we are compassionate with our “dark places” there is a “fierce presence” that allows us to meet them, to dance with them – Dancing with life.

That morning I re-wrote it to read: Compassion allows - fear’s presence – dancing with life… That made sense to me too. And so I dance… Willingly…

The Mystery in Geese

The other morning I was standing at the kitchen sink, puttsing. I happened to look up and out the window just as a very small flock of Canadian Geese flew over the roof top of the house behind us – maybe 150 feet away, close enough to bedazzle me and make my heart swoon… Yep, I’m a sap for Geese – especially Canadian Geese. I feel drawn to them. The sight of geese flying fascinates me. It was unusual to see them flying so low and so close. I followed them as long as I could, which wasn’t long as they were soon out of view flying below the tree tops. I wondered where they were going – probably a source of water, or a field. We have a lot of open fields and park areas around here with ponds, which draws them in. I felt a resonance – like a kindred spirit…

This week I have also had a familiar “visitor.” My “friend” anxiety and her close cousins jittery and antsy have been constant visitors for 3 days now – keeping me rather frazzled and frozen. It’s really time for them to leave. You know the old saying – fish and company get old after 3 days. I know these are deeply laid neuronal and energy patterns that keep running their groove when triggered by health and body issues, along with assorted other life stresses. And then I get anxious about the anxiety and off we go. The adrenals are now on over-drive, and every little thing now sets off the anxiety loop.

It’s amazing to me that I could have the previous insights about the nature of Existence with its constant fluidity and be caught in this frozen tundra of anxiety. When it comes it feels like an intense spiraling of energy winding its way through my body – contracting me - leaving me spent, unable to function. Maybe that’s why I hear the geese calling to me. It’s like a homing call to be free…

So I went in search of geese today, to watch and observe – to feel their call and sense their freedom. Geese seem to have a simplicity that attracts me. They innately know where to go, are content to fly wherever they need to, and are unaffected by the externals of life. Maybe that’s what draws me – being unaffected, undisturbed, by the externals of life – content to just Be – having an innate sense of knowing how to move through life – like all of nature.

I wonder why “we” humans have seemingly lost that instinctive, intuitive *sense* of knowing how to move *with* Life, with the natural Rhythms, with the Flow – how to live in harmony with Self - content. It seems to be the thinking mind that screws us up, that causes such inner conflict and turmoil. How interesting that we keep following the mind instead of our True Nature. (Not that the mind is an “enemy.” I like having the ability to think. It just doesn’t seem to know when to quit!).

The “spiritual teachers” say that all you need do is *identify as* Consciousness/Awareness and these “things” will subside – the mind will essentially “stop” and inner conflict will cease. This hasn’t been my experience – or maybe I just haven’t made “the shift” – which then keeps me searching for “the shift”, thinking I need to “get it” in order to be free of anxiety. It seems like that’s a set up for never feeling like I “got it” when I feel the twinge of anxiety or some other feeling deemed to be “unenlightened.”

So – how to be more like a goose…

They don’t obsess about health issues. They don’t worry about financial issues, or where they’re going, or how they’re going to get there. They just do. They innately know how. They innately know how to be a goose. So why am I having such a hard time *being* Who I AM!? - this fluid Conscious alive Awareness… How strange this cerebral cortex that seems to keep a lot of us from deeply *knowing*/experiencing who we innately ARE – the Pure Conscious Awareness that we constantly seek after (called the spiritual search) as if it’s somewhere else. What a strange way to live – this unknowing of and constant search for what we innately are…

So I keep watching my geese friends – simply living, deeply, innately themselves, deeply content, aligned with their Nature – instinctively knowing how to fly – following the Homing call…

Honk >> >>> >>>>