The Mind of Fear - Mooji

The mind fears...

What is the message in the fear?
Find the message in the fear...

Fear empties itself as soon as there is revelation...

YOU [the Eternal Self] *are* before the movement of fear
that arises.  Realize your Beingness that is before time...

Wake up to the recognition of your Eternal Self.

[That is] the Awareness in which fear occurs.

Just keep quiet...

Don't identify yourself with the reactions,
just *feel* your Existence

and

let the fear burn off...

Identify the Presence that sees,
and stay with this Presence,
and you'll come to a place of
complete [internal] Stillness...

There is Stillness in that space of fear...

When fear is met
what expands is a sense of spaciousness...

There is an intuitive sense that you and the spaciousness
of Stillness are one...

In this place your mind of fear will not have much power

because you're in your
Natural State...

Mooji

excerpts taken from a talk

~

Art - Mystic Meandering
The Cave
CrayPas Oils
done with fingers
2010

 

The Ghostly Winds...

My Dear,

Be free of concern...
Be free of your mind, and be still.
Let the winds of agitation and despair
pass through you...

Just rest and wait for
the winds to pass through -
as they will...

The stripping winds of decline,
the ghostly winds of the mind,
they all pass through...
Be patient and wait.

All is cared for...
All will be well...

Just rest your mind
and let it all pass...

My Dear,

Be at peace with yourself.
It all passes through.

Mystic Meandering
Jan. 11, 2021

Personal Note:  These were the words that
came through in meditation after a particularly
stressful and restless evening and night,
getting caught in the mind by the winds of
craziness and hatred occurring in this country.

Peace
_/\_

~

Photo - hubby :)

 

 

Fixed Ideas - Zen Master Daehaeng

 Fixed ideas are like a wisp of cloud or smoke,
but nonetheless people find themselves blocked
or captured by these.

You would laugh if you saw someone tripped by
a cloud, or if someone claimed that they were
imprisoned by the air.  But, in fact, people are
endlessly being trapped by things no more
substantial than air or clouds.

They make a wall with their mind, and then it
imprisons them.  Inherently, there is no wall or
anything to trip over.  These things are mirages
they've created from thoughts they gave rise to.
Do not insist upon your own fixed ideas.

Your persistence is your own narrow mind.  If
your mind is broad, it can easily embrace the
entire world.  However, if your mind is narrow, 
even a needle cannot enter.  You have to keep
letting go of your stubbornness, and always
be deeply respectful of all life...

Learn to step out of your fixed ideas.

When we return to our Inherent Nature, which is
our most true and natural state, then the true
reality of everything is automatically revealed.

Letting go and resting - entrusting everything to your
underlying Essence/Natural State means returning
to our Fundamental Nature.

Zen Master Daehaeng
From - No River to Cross

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

There Is Room in the Heart - Ameeta

What distresses you
my friend?

Isn't it mostly
what your mind says
should not be?

The mind says
it should not be
and yet it is.

There is room
you know
there is room
in the heart
for what the mind
won't allow.

There is room
in the heart
for what the mind
can't understand.

There is room
in the heart
for every
contradiction
and conflict
for every pair
of opposites
to co-exist.

No no
shouts the mind again
it is wrong
and I won't allow it.

There is room
in the heart
for all of
shouting mind.

There is room
in the heart
for reality
as it is.

Recognize
your open heart
my friend
and receive life here.
Receive life
in this home of love
and know your heart
as the birthplace
of everything.

Ameeta

2011

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

A Story of Unexpected Compassion

While at the cardiologist's office last week, signing in with the receptionist, asking her some questions, a woman suddenly appeared behind me.  She interrupted in a frantic, anxious voice, obviously distressed:

"I don't mean to interrupt, but I just need to know when my appointment is because I have an echogram scheduled down the hall and I want to make sure I don't miss my appointment with the doctor."

I gently responded " no problem" to her interruption and stepped aside while she frantically went on.  I immediately noticed a portion of a vertical scar on her chest above the open top of her blouse - a sign of open heart surgery.

She was a fairly young (through my 68 year old eyes) short woman, disheveled, with stringy, dirty-blonde hair.  And even though it was nearly 60 degrees with no snow on the ground, she wore snow boots and a winter coat that sat cockeyed on her shoulders as she flailed her arms about excitedly; the unbuttoned coat flapped around as she flailed, in very apparent anxiety.  She reminded me of one of those odd characters in stories or movies, who interrupt a scene to bring awareness to something; to get your attention.  I could see the stress and fear on the woman's face, and in her body motions...  It was a familiar look and feeling.  I could relate...  I saw myself in her - although not quite as exaggerated - but often how I feel inside...

She kept apologizing for interrupting, and I kept saying it was no problem at all, that I understood; trying to put her at ease.

The receptionist, somewhat guarded, responded to her in a firm, almost stern voice - that her appointment was at 2:30 (it was now just after 1pm), and that she had time to get her echocardiogram done and come back in time for her appointment.  The woman left in a hurry, scuffing her snow boots across the carpeted floor.

I finished with the receptionist and took a seat, waiting for my turn.

After my visit with the doctor, I came out to a full waiting room - a sea of faces.  As I stood at the desk to make another appointment, I turned and saw the disheveled woman sitting there - fidgeting.  While I waited for the scheduler to attend to me, as she made no acknowledgment of my presence, I turned to the woman and said: "I see you made it back ok" - smiling.

She exhaled a long drawn out "yessss", looking frazzled - making more antsy body movements in her chair.

I said to her - "I have anxiety too" and smiled again, just wanting to soothe the woman's obvious internal suffering, as I knew deeply what that feels like - to be so anxious, to be so wound up inside that calmness doesn't seem possible at times.  And how "peace" often feels like a noble idea, just out of reach, while my frenetic mind and body take over, just like hers did.

I am haunted by the memory of her now - knowing how painful it is to go through life with such emotional intensity and the fear that lies hidden in the body, erupting in uncontrollable outbursts of anxiety at times - or heart problems :) - when awareness fails - although I have learned to meet it when the fearful mind arises, embracing it - trying to ride out its ferocity...  still...  I know how it feels when it is out of control...

Afterwards I was very aware that "I" didn't *decide* to be compassionate, yet Something in me responded automatically to her, from the Heart.  Compassion arose unexpectedly; a heartfelt response to reach out to someone in trouble - emotionally.

How ironic - in the cardiologist's office, where they take care of hearts, that I would experience a real Heart opening for another human being; meeting her where she was in her fear, not making judgments about her behavior...  Maybe that was a reflection, just a little glimpse in the mirror, of who "I" truly am - the True Self within.  Deep inside this fearful heart beats a Heart of Compassion...  I find that somehow comforting...

It's there in all of us, our True Nature, if we only open to it...

_/\_

Namaste

Please note:  this is not written to say how wonderful I am.  It's not about "me" being compassionate, but how the Heart opened and compassion arose unexpectedly.  How the disheveled woman came to me to teach me that it is there even when I don't realize it.  The woman's "condition" slowed my mind and gave me a different perspective.  I am forever grateful to the disheveled woman, and send her blessings wherever she is...

~*~

The only difference between "you" and "me"
are the words and concepts of "you" and "me."
The Source of everything is the same
- Love and Compassion -
this is [the True] Self.

Papaji

The Deep 'F'...

Winter is definitely upon us.  All the other snowfalls so far this season were only teasing us with their beauty.  We are now in the clutches of winter’s cold fingers - the deep freeze...

We’ve been in the deep freeze since Tuesday night when the temps suddenly dropped 45 degrees escorted by a 4” snowfall.  We’ve been below zero every night.  Day-time highs in the single digits mostly, so nothing is melting. And Mr. Sun has only made a few short-lived appearances.

Anxiety seems to have me in its clutches as well – the deep fear - constantly worried and vigilant.  Will the pipes freeze?  Will the furnace keep running?  And – it’s running constantly!  Ka-ching$, Ka-ching.$  Will the garage door open?  Will the car start?  It’s been an interesting lesson on how easily the mind and surface self with its fears and worries can take over and veil the beauty that is here, getting entangled in hyper-vigilance, as if that would stop something from “going wrong.”  And of course the mind is convinced that something will go wrong…  What a set up that is!   I became aware of how easily the mind and fear can inhabit the moment – the day – the body… And it’s not a pretty picture! The mind needed to be refocused and reoriented to what is ultimately Real.  I told myself: Refocus on the breath, don’t follow the mind, instead, give the mind something to do – journal, write, read, create - and turn your awareness to the deeper space of Silence within – the ultimate reality.  Not happenin.’ J  It surprised me to find that the voice of the Infinite was drowned out by the sirens of fear…

My husband swears I *look* for things to go wrong – maybe so.  I was conditioned well.  They are very old and deep fears, from childhood I think – being given responsibility too soon, needing to be a “grown up” too soon, and now I feel *responsible* for *everything* anticipating what *might* happen, leading to a need to control what cannot be controlled.  I’ve been in denial about all this, although my husband reminds me of it all the time. J  I’m surprised actually at how quickly this old conditioning arose.  To my chagrin, I am apparently still a product of my DNA, both physically and emotionally.  The body easily re-addicted itself to the feeling of fear/anxiety.  It remembers it all too well.  In moments of awareness I thought to myself – well, isn’t this interesting - if you think you’re enlightened spend a week in the deep freeze! – worrying.  I think I’ve given up that illusive “enlightened” self-image!  And realized there’s a child inside who’s still afraid of the big bad wolf that’s huffing and puffing – even though I know it is pure fantasy…  It’s interesting to me that we can be aware of how the mind functions on fear and still follow it down that rabbit hole of delusion.

Maybe the gift of the deep freeze is to see all this about myself, to actually *see* these places within myself where I am still frozen with fear, and where I am still deluded…  It certainly has done its job! J  I’m *aware*!  But awareness is only the beginning of real change…

I managed to lose my-self (and the grip of anxiety), for a few moments, in a few photo shots this week so far.  They say we won’t thaw out til Tuesday when temps go above freezing *in the afternoon* - hopefully a “warming trend” – outside AND within… J LOL

“We are constantly ‘waking up’ in every moment that confronts us,
to remember *what* we really are:
Consciousness before form.
Otherwise our ‘spirituality’ can become just another layer
in our armour.”

Dear Hubby J

The Fence...

Life, as it always does, afforded an opportunity for me to see things differently last weekend.  Who knew that a Fence would become fodder for awareness, and a blog post. :)

Our neighbor came to the door Friday evening wanting to know if he could take out the split rail fence on the property line between us, saying that the fence was not functional.  The real issue was that it kept him from easily accessing our side of his raised garden beds that abutted the fence, which meant he had to stand in our yard and lean over the fence to get to them. 

The fence belonged to neither of us, but had been put there by the developer many, many years ago.   My husband answered the door. I was preoccupied somewhere else in the house and missed the whole thing.  Anyway, B said – sure!    And then came to tell me what had transpired.

Enter drama…

My ego-mind immediately took over.  What does he mean that a fence is not “functional”, of course it’s functional, it sets boundaries! – I retorted.   It’s symbolic I argued.  It’s the principle of the thing, I snorted, feeling dismissed and disturbed that I had been left out of the decision. (No control issues there! :))  I felt myself go into resist mode.  My husband thought I was crazy and couldn’t believe I was making such a big deal about it.  He said to say no would have created uneccessary tension between the neighbor and us.  Maybe so – but still, I felt it necessary to defend my point. :)  Isn’t that the way the unawakened mind works… :)

It was obvious, even to me, that something in me had been triggered.  I suddenly felt vulnerable.  I watched as it took our neighbor about an hour to lift the fence posts out of the ground with a hydrolic car jack, and dismantle the fence.

For some crazy reason I felt sad, felt a sense of loss of what it symbolized – the letting down of boundaries, and a deeper fear of being more open; something that, from a spiritual perspective, I thought I really wanted anyway.  But now that it was really happening, in a symbolic way, it made me uncomfortable, feeling somehow unprotected and vulnerable.  Interesting how we are wired for safety and protection, and our egos become fearful of emancipation.

As Yoda said in a movie once – “You must unlearn what you have learned.”    

I am aware enough to know that a fence is only a symbol of a boundary.  That in reality there is no separation, no dividing line.  And yet, my mind *likes* the *idea* of separation, of yours and mine, of “other” who needs a reminder to keep from violating “my space.”  How un-enlightened of me. :)  Robert Frost, a New England poet, had a famous line in one of his poems, Mending Wall: “good fences make good neighbors.”  That has always seemed to work for me! :)  But an awakened view of the world requires a letting go of boundaries, of the sense of “other.”  I was being faced with that in real life, not in some idealistic spiritual concept.

Each day it became less and less of an issue as acceptance set in; cautionary acceptance, “what if” acceptance – like: what if his teenage son sees this as an invitation to come into our yard; not like the fence has kept him out before!  Once again, it’s only symbolic.  It doesn’t really keep anybody out.  It just makes *me* feel better that there is an *illusion* of a boundary that one must respect, providing a false sense of security and protection, an *illusion* of safe separateness.

Isn’t this how the world works too.  We create these false boundaries thinking it will keep us safe, like fences between countries.  We create tribes, communities, circles and in-groups.  Even beliefs and belief systems become fences that we create to keep us separate and safe.  But something always manages to get through – whether literally or symbolically.  Something crosses the boundary that we have created, disturbs our comfort zone, and forces us to awaken from our illusions of our separateness; our illusions of control; our illusions of safety.

Yet, there *is* something about a fence that I like. :) 

Mirabai Starr recently wrote about this sense of “other”, of separation, in her blog post “Otherizing.”   Here is an excerpt that struck me.  I highly recommend you read the whole post to get the context.

“The illusion of separation is what causes violence and oppression.  The minute we identify an individual or a group as being Other, we banish ourselves to a spiritual wasteland and justify treating someone else with anything less than loving kindness. [We] draw artificial boundaries to bisect a circle of our inter-connectedness with all beings.  [But] when we sit together and begin to peel back the layers…..it turns out that just about everyone everywhere affirms that Ultimate Reality is a unified field, and that no matter what names we ascribe to it…..it’s name is Love.”

Top Photo is not "the fence" at the property line :)
Unfortunately I didn't have a picture of that one.
It is another split rail fence from another place

in the neighborhood.
Sorry for the poor quality...

2nd photo - neighbor's garden beds
right up against the property line
where the fence used to be...

Focus as a Gateway...

Still feeling a little foggy – functioning from a conflicted mind – consistently sending me into emotional tail spins.  So, I have been asking to be shown the way through to an undivided mind, to stillness and peace.  Yesterday I received 2 emails that seemed to show me “the way” through this latest dip into darkness.  We all have to find our own unique way that resonates for us, the “medicine” that restores us to clarity, and a sense of congruency of Being, so this probably pertains to my specific needs at the moment.  But it resonated so deeply that I wanted to share it.

The first was a video of a guy by the name of Michael Grab who balances rocks in a creek in Boulder, Colorado, which requires an enormous amount of focus.  He calls it “nurturing meditative presence” and “contemplation in non-attachment.”  It was fascinating to watch this guy balance these rocks in the midst of a flowing stream, to see him focus his full attention on what he was doing in the moment.   And I noticed that as I watched, my body-mind completely relaxed and I became peaceful – because my *mind* became undivided, completely focused on him balancing rocks, creating a pause, which then allowed my mind to experience stillness.   Ahhh – my first hint…  You can watch the video here.

The second was an email newsletter from Joan Ruvinsky about taking time out from meditative practice to play in the beauty of nature.  She had been conducting a month-long intensive retreat in the wilderness, mostly in study, contemplation, meditating, Yoga and chanting…  And then it snowed and she and her retreatants went for a day-long hike through a winter wonderland – absorbed by its beauty.  In her newsletter she quoted from the Vijnani Bhaivava: The Manual of Self Realization, a piece of literature written in the 7^th century from the Kashmir Shaivism tradition of Hinduism.  It says: “Wherever your mind becomes peaceful, put your mind there.  If your mind is situated peacefully working in the garden, put your mind there; do not go into the prayer room for prayer…..at that moment….as working in the garden is the right way for you.  Wherever your mind is appeased, in peace, there and then ananda (peace, joy, bliss) will appear to you.”  In this I heard that it was important to listen to the mind, as well as the intuition, and my mind and intuition have been telling me lately that my mind needs “focus.”  And apparently it is the focus on what we are experiencing in the moment that gives peace of mind – whether it be gardening, some art form, or nature itself.  Obviously there are many gateways into the realm of meditative Silence – without dismissing the mind as an obstacle, or getting *lost* in the mind, but focusing the mind…  So I am paying attention to these little messages that appeared seemingly pointing the way… 

Which led me to sign up to take a free on-line course to learn how to create and paint the Seed of Life Mandala over at Guada’s Circle, to give me a sense of focus and structure, as well as creativity, hopefully bringing the mind to a place of inner stillness.  You can watch a video of Guada creating a Seed of Life Mandala here.  Stacy Wills also creates some wonderful mandalas on her blog – A Magic Mom and Her Mandalas. 

Apparently “focus” can be a gateway into relaxed Presence, into peace, stilling the mind and finding a sense of connection with the Divine again…    Most of us on a “spiritual path” of “awakening” or “enlightenment” try to depose the mind, or bypass it in order to enter a state of pure Being through a meditative practice.  But it seems that *allowing* the mind to do what it does best, to creatively focus, is yet another way of losing one’s self and finding inner Peace…   We shall see J

Photo: Reflection of chair in window

Free Floating Anxiety...

How interesting that July started out with a new “Passion for Life” and is ending up in deep underground pools of free floating anxiety.  I hadn’t realized that these underground pools were still there, waiting to pull me under and nearly drown me.  And it wasn’t the “big event” of the shooting in the movie theatre that triggered it.  No, it was the little things that sent me head long back into contraction… 

The week started off with breaking off a professional relationship with someone when I realized we were not on the same wave length spiritually, nor did we share the same vision - for me. Instead she had her own agenda, and my red flags kicked in to full gear when I realized this was not going to be a beneficial relationship.  It triggered anxiety to intuitively step out and do what was “right” for me.  The old message that it isn’t okay to be “real”/honest/authentic – to say “no” – to pay attention to my intuition and not just follow the path of another – taking on their perspective.  Strangely, stepping out, following my inner Voice, was the trigger for a week long episode of familiar disabling anxiety.

I am aware that this is a deeply engrained, life long, neuronal pathway that is like a constant stimulus in the brain that says, danger, danger, life is dangerous – being who you are is dangerous…  And there is evidently a remembered response of anxiety in the body-mind.  By Tuesday I was beginning to slip away into the pull of its currents.    

“We”, well actually DH decided that it was also time to take our car in for transmission repair the same week that we also had some preventative plumbing issues taken care of…  It was a week of over stimulation, and by Friday I was drowning in the cesspools of anxiety unable to come up for air.  I was paralyzed by what others would consider to be a small series of life events.  I know I was primed for this in childhood.  It has been my modus operandi through life.  But through the mind muck I *was* able to realize that life was really only reflecting back to me the hidden trauma and anxiety that was already there, residing in the underground pools – waiting for me to notice - again. 

It’s interesting to me how some people can go through life barely scathed by life events, not disabled by anxiety, and others, like me, are sensitive to the external stimuli of trying to juggle life... Some are just better jugglers.   Even if I know it is only the mind mechanism at play here – it’s debilitating.  It’s my blind spot, so-to-speak, where I am not fully aware…

It was also interesting to watch how this feeling escalated out of control, even knowing that all I had to do was return my awareness to the ever-present Primal Beingness that holds it all.  It became clear that I was still identified with this anxious, fear mongering mind within – not the Essential Being that we are.  But no amount of meditation, or trying to switch perspectives would allow my mind to ‘let go.’ Believe me, if I could have found the perception switch I would have changed to a different channel!  So I rode the waves, and free floated in the experience of anxiety as treacherous as it felt at times.  And I still feel it creeping up on me, as car issues have not been resolved.  There have been other issues created by messin’ with the transmission that we were not prepared for.  Apparently there is a deeper awareness to be discovered here… No, not about the car.   So I surf the waves once again – free floating – holding on to the life raft of awareness that there is something present here beyond the fear, that is untouched by any life experience.

It is challenging to practice deep acceptance, to keep turning my awareness towards Primordial Presence and remember the Primal Message of life – that there is only Beingness – the vast field of Aware Consciousness - in which all of life occurs – including its anxieties. It is challenging to remember that this Primal Being is at the Heart of every experience of life, no matter how painful.  And to remember that everything that happens in life, and our reaction to it, is to bring us to greater awareness of our True Nature – to wake us up to our True Nature.  Evidently I’m still waking up, expanding awareness *through* the experience of anxiety…

From a non-dual perspective there is *nothing* that can affect this Primal, Essential Beingness that we are.  And yet, the body-mind tells us differently.  Through our beliefs *about* life, and how it should be happening; about how we see our self, or how we believe we should be, and what we identify ourselves with - the mind-identified person - anxiety arises.  Instead, when we identify with the Vastness of Being, it is the life raft that allows us to float on the sea of life… 

Just writing about this has brought perspective again ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Stopping the Madness...

Just within the past few days I had a simple awareness that gave me an Ah-ha moment.  I realized that my anger and frustration towards my family dynamic has a lot to do with my being too emotionally invested in wanting to fix it/them – to make life better *for* them, to rescue them from their life situation – feeling responsible to *do* something about their situation – and feeling helpless to do so; wanting both my mother and sister to *see* their wounds and the dynamic of their situation, to get help so they don’t have to wallow in their pain and dysfunction - AND so that I don’t have to feel responsible *for* them.  But the “madness” (anger) that I feel is really because I cannot *control* the situation, the outcome, their unwillingness to take action to alleviate their own pain.  And - because I don’t want to have to pay the consequences for *their* choices.  There are always consequences for the unconscious choices of others…  In essence I can’t get them to *want* to change the way they are doing life.  So I realized I just had to stop the madness for *myself* - to not sacrifice myself to their madness, as they unconsciously choose to live it.  I realized that I just had to let them live it in their own way, and focus on what is really important – stopping the madness in my own mind.

Still entangled in the family drama that had become a veil, blinding me from seeing clearly, from seeing the larger context in which the whole drama of life is played out – the space of Silent Aware Consciousness - it took 3 days of confusion, floundering, anger, sadness and Silent Meditation to clearly experience the clear, clean, open space of Aware Conscious within again.  It meant getting my self out of the way – letting go of the need to be on top of things, vigilant, alert, prepared – extricating myself emotionally from my role in the family drama that I have entrained with, and listening for the internal Rhythm of Being once again.  It also meant not allowing myself to be distracted by the family drama that keeps me living on the surface, but returning again and again to the Silent space and fluidity of True Beingness.

This little piece of writing below reflects (for me anyway) – that inner yearning to live authentically from that place of Truth – the greater context of Aware Consciousness. Of course each of us would define what that would look like differently, as each of us is a unique expression of Truth - but maybe you’ll find yourself in it too.  This was a journal entry from January 1, 2011 that I found with a “Post-It” note attached to it (see below).  I have put it in poem form.

I want to walk through life
truly *seeing* - truly Aware…
 *Awake* to the Truth of Eternal Being…

Open to Life –
 not with mental judgments, opinions, and interpretations
 of what is happening,
 or what should be happening,
 or what I wish would happen,
  but with receptivity,
 openness,
 acceptance,
 allowing.

I want to See *everything* as Living Beingness;
 every leaf that drops,
 or snowflake that falls,
every being -
 with the same innocent wonder and amazement as I did as a child
as if seeing Life living for the first time…

  I want to be in Love with Life again –
 if I ever was…
  Maybe Loving Life in new ways –

I want to Hear
the laughter
in my
Heart

I want to Experience
everything
with curiosity
and equanimity

I want to Notice…
every thought,

expression,
and feeling
as it arises
without
trying to confine it,
or suppress it
before it is expressed;
or correct others
in their expression.

Save me from the arrogance of
thinking that I know what others need,
or how to “help” or “fix” them;
allowing others to be who they are,
trusting that Life is taking
them where they need to go,
just as It is me…

Let me be free from the entanglements
of the mind
that keep me compliant,
and complicit,
with the world’s ways…

Life is a paradigm of endless pathways,
and I want to risk not following the rules,
the well-worn paths.
Instead - rising above
the familiarity
of “the path”
to see what’s *really* here…

I want to live
in
the simplicity
of
the
ever-unfolding
luminosity
of

Truth.

And may I have the courage
to speak with fierce grace
to those who would try to
quell this passion,
to strip this enthusiasm,
and suffocate this spontaneity
for
the radiance
and
clarity
of

Truth

Mystic Meandering
Meditative Writings
January 1, 2011

And here is that quote that was stuck onto the journal page with a sticky note – which I also put in the form of a poem…

“If you want to see what’s behind the curtain of reality,
to take the red pill
and discover what the matrix really is,
you have to have a yearning for Absolute Truth.

You have to be willing to give up everything.
The cost is literally all of you -
to leave ‘everything’
to know and experience
the Truth:
your materialism,
your psychological addictions,
your identity,
your life-long programming,
even family
and
friends…”

Author Unknown

And I would assume this also means blogging… :)

Please Note:  This does not mean I intend to walk out
the front door and abandon my family :)
They know I am always available to them.
  Any of you who have known the
deep yearning for Truth will understand...
Essentially what I am saying and feeling
 is not allowing myself to be distracted
from this passion for Truth that I feel...

And - it's about seeing the difference between having
compassion for others
and being co-dependent -
not rescuing people from the consequences
of their own choices and their life's path...

~

Photos

Top – Reflections of light through stained glass window.

#2 – I experimented with a function called Inversion,
making the photo look like a negative,
only with color.  Amazing how that works!
I love this affect!

#3 – Reflection in the window

 

The Limitation of Thoughts and Stories...

This video came to me through the Non-Duality Highlights Newsletter.

This guy is good and funny!
 He humorously, through mime,
 demonstrates the nature of thoughts and stories
that limit our ability to live fully.
He's original and unique...

And sometimes hearing Truth
in a different way
helps one to see it more clearly...

Pardon the promotional at the end of the video.
It’s worth it! 

Pruning Trees - Pruning "The Situation"

For those who have been reading this blog for a while, you may remember my post on Creating a Heart Tree last year.  Our River Birch is old and last year much of it died off.  We did deep root fertilization both last Spring and this Spring to see how much of it might come back. And of course I put little heart stones, sage and Faerie ornamentation at it’s base to “help” – if only in my mind. :)  We love our symbols :)  It really started to come to life again last year – but only about half of it thrived.  As you can see, it remained bald on top.  So we spent Saturday pruning the dead wood.  Tree artists we are not, but we did a pretty good job I think.  It looks a little dwarfish, and asymmetrical.  Yet I love still having this little guy in the front yard.

 

Pruning: to remove dead parts to improve growth – to cut out what is superfluous…  Who knew that pruning a tree would become a metaphor for working with “the situation” that I spoke of in my previous post.

As we were pruning – me holding the rope and DH climbing the ladder with the chain saw to reach the dead wood - our neighbor came walking up the sidewalk with his chain saw in hand and offered to assist.  I mean, how can you refuse a man with a chain saw, despite “the situation”, right?  Yes, this is the same father of “the situation” from my last post.  Which once again proves to me that life is a continuously unfolding story, and we never know how it’s going to unfold.  My mind thought – this is interesting.  I wonder why he’s doing this.  How can I say anything to him about “the situation” now with this generous offer of help?  Actually his offer of kindness was quite skillful in a way – it diffused “the situation” for the moment.  So we exchanged pleasantries and gratitude and the pruning began.

As the three of us engaged in the act of pruning, focused on the tree, it became clear that now was not the time for discussion.  It became clear, to me anyway, that somehow this was a time of getting clear, clearing away my image of him as “enemy” and to see the essence of the situation, to let go of the mental stories I had been telling myself, and to experience his basic goodness and humanness – and mine as well – at the heart of the interaction…  This is not to make light of “the situation”, or to deny that there aren’t issues here that need to be addressed… I am still being watchful - but with more detached mindfulness, a deeper sense of awareness, and less of the mind reactive, angry energy that wants to “catch” his son in the act, to try to control his behavior and get him to see the “wrongness” of his actions.

As a wise commenter said on the last post, “make friends…”  And I interpret that to mean to make friends with “the situation” – not the kid - but the situation – to make peace with it. If I befriend the situation, then he and his son are no longer my enemies and I am at peace…  Bazinga!  Sometimes these irritants in life are offered as a way of seeing beyond the surface situation, to the pearl of wisdom in the situation.  The neighbor’s offer of help and presence working along side us actually diffused my emotional reactivity to “the situation” – my projection, my mental habituation about “the situation.”    And I think that had to happen before any discussion could occur.

With space from “the situation”, and pruning some of my emotional dead wood, I realize that I have been attached to my anger and reactivity about “the situation.”  Thus I was held captive in my own emotional castle of protection, feeling under siege, fortressing myself against “the enemy” by maintaining a reactive stance, instead of seeing clearly and responding from a clear space, as another wise commenter said – using  Manjusri’s sword…  But what I didn’t realize is that I would have to use that sword to cut my way through the veils that blinded me, and not bring my baggage into “the situation.”  It remains to be seen if I can actually do this – to stand in the clear ground of Being within and take the appropriate action without my mind-muddied passive aggressive reactiveness getting in the way.  Only time will tell…

Who knows what effect this “tree pruning” work will have on “the situation”, pruning out the dead wood of my emotions towards “the situation” – allowing a new awareness and consciousness to flow… For now there are no resolutions.   And yet I feel a door has been opened for the possibility of dialogue.  My heart has softened towards “the situation.”  I’m not about to do battle with a 13 year old.  I’m amazed that a 13 year old could create such anxiety, anger and reactivity in me!   There is still a sense of watchful waiting, of discerning the most effective approach.  Asking questions like: How do I need to engage here?  Through my self-imposed mental suffering about the situation, through a sense of wounded anger and “rightness” of my position, through a sense of false power that comes from a need for self-protection? Or, from a place of awareness of our shared humanity with an open heart…

The pruning continues…  It may take a while :)

Back to the Bare Bones...

Lately I’ve been feeling a need to get back to the basics in my “spiritual practice” – back to the bare bones. There is a sense of needing to clear the plate of old paradigms to make way for a clearer way of seeing and being. And - I’ve also been experiencing what I have been calling “depression” off and on for the last few weeks, or as the “Advaitin and contemporary non-dualists” say – depressing is happening… Probably as part of this clearing away…

“Depression” is a strange bedfellow, it can be many things. And I don’t treat this lightly. Sometimes I know her as melancholy, sometimes as heartache, and sometimes an overwhelming oppressive wave of molasses that pulls me under. I never know when she’s going to arrive, or in what costume, or when she’ll leave, nor specifically what it is about. Mostly it’s just kind of this nebulous feeling of deep sadness and longing in the heart. It shows up unexpectedly and stays a while, much like the other feelings that just show up – but I don’t notice them so much when it’s joy or happiness – only the “troubling” ones stand out and grab my attention. When I feel joy or happiness, or peace, I don’t think. Gee this is odd, I must do something about this! No, I am delighted that they came to call and think all must be right with the world or with myself *because* I *feel* “happy”… They reinforce the illusion that this personal “me” has done something “right” and is therefore happy – and therefore I feel the pressure to always be “happy“, to be optimistic – to get rid of “depression” so I can live up to my “happiness” , and start to believe I *deserve* to be “happy” all the time. When the Buddha said that the goal of life is to be “happy” I don’t believe he was talking about head over heels in love kind of happy, but internal “contentment” with life, which is a state of Being that never changes – that doesn’t come and go…

But – depression - well, it comes and goes – like all the other feelings do. It makes “me” (this little me) feel all wrong with the world and myself – unhappy, alone, sad. It’s quite dense actually – like a heavy hand gripping the heart with a pressing pressure – causing a heartache. But what is this heart aching *for*? You’d think with my husband’s new job there would be a sense of peace, optimism, even happiness. But no, a heaviness of heart pulls me deeply inward like a weight… I suspect it has something more to do with an internal orientation to life and being, than the externals of life circumstances – although that’s some of it too - clearing the underbrush of some heavy emotional burdens and beliefs that I’ve been unconsciously carrying for so many years around our life circumstances… And just maybe my husband’s recent return to work allowed all this to emerge…

“Non-dualisms” didn’t work - like: “There is no one here to be depressed.” Okay - so then why am “i” depressing, “i” asked my Self. Or - “i” do not exist – according to non-dualists - so how could “i” be depressed? So “*who* is depressed” then, who is depressing? Non-dual conundrums that keep me in my mind. Ahhh - maybe it is the mind, I thought… So I tried to convince the mind that it was only its thoughts, its beliefs, it stories that were causing this depressing feeling. The mind bought it for a while and then went back to its job – “depressing” – pulling me more deeply in… Even though I *know* intellectually that it is the *personality* of the mind that depresses, and that behind the little me-self personality that feels empty, full of insecurities, doubts, and depression is the Truth – the bare bones Truth of authentic Beingness that we are at the core… But the intellectual knowing didn’t help either… It has to be deeply *known* at the core…

So I sat, journal in hand, as is my style, and said – okay – here I am – show me who you are, show me where you want to go. I followed her inwardly, to see what she would reveal. I saw that she was a thread that ran all the way through my life that I hadn’t seen before– well more that I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge before. She was a golden river that ran through every phase and chapter of my life that held a familiar deep longing in the heart at every turn and bend – a longing for the Truth, somehow misconstrued as “depression”... Interesting that it was golden, not something dark and sinister…. There was no monster lurking under the surface. She took me down the rabbit hole, in a good way, allowing me to come face to face with my delusions… She helped me to see that my life has been a fantasy of distorted characters, stories and feelings that I have become attached to, and have gotten lost in, confused between what is Real and what is fantasy. I recognized that I had identified with the *feeling*, with the *personality* who *feels* depressed, empty, lost, wounded, separate from ones true identity.

Following the thread, I realized that “depression” was really my Heart calling. It was an invitation to follow the lifeline of the feeling all the way back to the Truth that lies beyond the feeling - all the way back to the bare bones Truth at the Heart of Being; which does not mean that by seeing this that “depression” left. Oh no. She’s still a companion, shadowing me on the road here. But it was seen that she’s not who I am. I had mis-identified myself *as* the shadow. In truth, she is a thread of love clearing an opening in my heart, calling me back to a direct encounter with the bare bones Truth…

Winter Blues...

I may have to rethink this “contemplative life” I *thought* I wanted to live. I like the *idea* of “contemplative living.” And yet, being housebound for 5 days with 3 snowfalls and arctic temps (unusual for here this early), left me anything *but* contemplative. The first 2 days were wonderfully restful and peaceful. I read, journaled, conversed with hubby - enjoying the quiet and companionship; and simply sat – in contemplative Silence. But by Saturday night I was restless, agitated, irritable, discombobulated, and down-right cranky. The “new” realizations of the fluidity of Life, from “the edge” last Wednesday, just flitted on through, and I was left empty; as if gutted by the cold. Frozen in this time bound reality again I found it hard to sit in the sacred Silence that used to be so comforting.

I wandered – unmotivated - a vagabond within my own mind – feeling out of place and out of sorts. I used to enjoy this snowy visitor. The older I get, the more I feel its icy edges permeating the “soul”, instead of illuminating it, as it used to do. I don’t recall experiencing the “winter blues” before. It was a different kind of visitor – a darkness from the dungeoned mind. Unable to settle, I searched for a spark of inspiration to light the embers that had cooled so quickly from standing on the edge of glory.

I scanned the book shelves for something inspirational – nothing appealed. I pulled Rilke’s Book of Hours down, reading the preface and introduction again. One line stood out: “Through the empty branches the sky remains.” Yes, I acknowledged - that is true – except it was snowy and dark, therefore I could not see the sky… But the meaning did not elude me – beyond the contraction of my perceptions, the expansiveness of Life is always there – waiting to be experienced.

Each day I took photos from the windows – none of them came out that well. One has to be out *in* life – experiencing it for a clearer view. My vision had become snowed in and frosted over.

Sunday afternoon I finally took the plunge and wandered out into the cold to take more photos… The cold hit my face crisply and felt good, exhilarating. There was my spark of inspiration – immersed in the experience. A simple movement on my part had changed the brain and the patterns of thinking, shifting the entire mental perspective - lightening the color.

“What happens in your mind
changes your brain.
And what happens in your brain
changes your mind…”

Buddha’s Brain

I’m reassessing what it means to be a “contemplative” – not that I need that label. In fact, I think I have romanticized it – imaging myself in monk’s robes – days in solitude – communing with “The Divine.” :) However, it evidently does not mean being cloistered somewhere between walls – especially the canyoned walls of the mind. Living contemplatively, it seems, is simply being immersed in and absorbed by the play of Life.

May Your Heart Fly Unburdened…