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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Change of Venue

Like the season, I seem to be transitioning. I am in a place of “not knowing” at the moment.

Because of the change in season and the colder night weather, I have had to change venues for “window sitting.” I have had to return to the comfort of “the cave” – my regular meditation space. It has been a difficult adjustment. There has been a lot of unexpected restlessness and unsettledness in changing spaces. I miss my window. But I don’t like sitting there with the window closed, as the open window has been a big part of my experience – leaning into the Night – smelling the fresh smells - hearing the sounds of Nature. The pull of the window is no longer there. This pull has been missing for a couple of weeks now, which I interpret to mean that there is a need for change. So I am being available to that change, to the awareness of what needs to change, to where the pull of Consciousness wants to go…

I have tried “window sitting” in the morning at a different window, sitting in the sun. But it’s not the same. I’ve tried “the cave” at different times to see if that made a difference. But no… It’s as if the “window” has been closed inwardly as well… And I’m beginning to feel a little alarmed. Maybe this change of venue is about a change in “seeing” – in the way I *see* that needs to change. And maybe this restlessness and inability to settle in to “the cave” is resistance – resistance to going deeper, to entering more deeply into the cave within. Maybe it’s resistance to seeing those remaining hidden shadows that continue to dance on the walls of my mind – particularly fear. It’s a very deep neuronal groove in this brain that needs to be deeply seen and met.

So I’m trying to nest again – to settle into “the cave.” I find lately that I just like sitting there, in the dark, sometimes only a candle on, (floor cushion is no longer an option) – just sitting in the cave of Silence, deepening into the breath and the space of deep inner Stillness. It seems to be just what is needed at this time.

And what is noticed is that there is also a sense of transition in my “spiritual experience” as well. I recently realized that I am tired of all the “structures,” the conceptual structures of being, even the so-called ‘non-duality’ conceptual structures. There is a need to just be in the Spaciousness of Existence – absent any kind of construct – constructs of philosophy, religion, belief, words language, mental and emotional constructs, and frameworks of interpretation; just sitting with awareness of what is Aware, in the fluidity of not knowing – exploring “the cave” and seeing what might be written on its walls…


~*~


13 comments:

  1. I was just talking to someone about transitions. They can be so difficult. I see you responding to the change of season with your move, being connected with that age old instinct to move from outside into the "cave" for winter, a time of darker, quieter, perhaps sleepier days. It seems in our modern culture we resist or ignore this. Mostly we are so out of touch with this sense.

    And you have lit a candle. I love this. Perhaps we will hear more about cave and candle sitting??

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  2. Hi ZenBon :) Your last sentence made me laugh. Yes, I'm thinking "cave writings" or "writings from the cave" :) Thanks :)

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  3. Thank you Dear Christine,
    This heart is the trailer after you :) as this post has a deep resonance. This "writings from the cave" has a nice ring to it. I look forward to the fluid posts of not-knowing.
    XOXO
    -Leslie

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  4. Hi Christine, Sorry it has been difficult to transition from the window to the cave and that there is restlessness. At least you are able to express it, that's so much more than I can do. I love how you say "There is a need to just be...in the fluidity of not knowing" There is something very calming about "not knowing" isn't there?

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  5. Thank you Leslie - we'll just see what emerges from "the cave" :) May be primitive drawings or hieroglyphics:)- who knows... Should be interesting.

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  6. Now you made me laugh! Do I have to change my blog and etsy shop to Bondotstudio. Doesn't have quite the same ring, does it??

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  7. Hi Diane ~ I'm okay with the restlessness and unsettledness as it is beginning to settle and I am beginning to find The Rhythm again. Yes, there is something very calming about being in the space of "not knowing" and just "waiting" for whatever needs to emerge - aligning with the inner Rhythm of the River. And yet I am also finding that it is creating a lot of anxiety as well. I read the first chapter of Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart," that you mention in your post today. Interestingly it is called "Intimacy with Fear." She says that "things (we) are always in transition, and the off-center, in-between (?not knowing) state is an ideal situation in which we can open our hearts and minds beyond the limit (of fear)...The trick is to keep exploring...when we let things fall apart and let ourselves be nailed to the present moment."

    I look forward to my cave time now for a little excavation :)

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  8. Ah ZENdotstudio! No, it doesn't have the same ring. ZenDotStudio does sound more fluid ~~~ It sounds more "you." :) or maybe ZeBo - never mind :)

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  9. Dearest Christine,
    Whoa... "...when we let things fall apart and let ourselves be nailed to the present moment."
    There's the challenge. The other day I was somewhat nailed to the present moment...the result of a terrifying night. There was so much peace and joy (even).
    Now I see the attachment of upcoming Holidays and my daughter's birthday...celebrations to be had with friends...and attachment to thoughts of isolation that sprout even larger around this time.
    There seems nothing else to do but get comfortable with 'not knowing'...
    XOXO
    -Leslie

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  10. Hey Leslie ~ Yes, what a challenge to get comfortable with letting things, or our *idea* of things, fall apart and just not know. :) Yet, it really takes a burden off. Have you noticed?! No agenda, no expectations, just allowing things to be as they are, no mental projections of the way things "should" be - ie: our images of family, holidays, ourselves, and where we "fit in" or don't, etc.

    I like your awareness that it is the attachment to your *thoughts* of isolation that creates the "nightmare" :) I recently realized this with the fear I have been experiencing. The fear was created by the *thoughts* that I was believing *about* a certain situation. That was a relief to see and the intensity of the experience began to unwind as I realized that it was all being created by my own mental projections.

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  11. Such perfect words Dearest Christine...thank you so much. It does take a burden off...I have noticed...but usually afterwards :) And then, I look back as if I had been looking at some inflatable boogey man.
    XOXO
    -Leslie

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  12. Christine...you are such a dear, sweet, honest soul. Someday, I want to meet you in person!

    I love the cave metaphor. You are a shaman, going into the earth to explore the interior of your own Self...don't worry...she loves you!
    (As do I!)
    Maria

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  13. Thank you Maria - my Shaman Friend :) Yes, indeed, there is that sense of exploration, of facing the shadows on the walls and finding the true "medicine."

    Heart Hugs as always, Christine

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