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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Dreaming The Fear

Just days after entering “The Cave” and meeting the fear I started having nightmares. Am not surprised actually. When you “decide” – that is, when you have been nailed to the cave wall by your fears you have no other choice than to meet with your demons, because the demons show up. Funny how that happens. Anyway, I thought I’d share this dream, not so much for its possible interpretations, but for the metaphor and Dharma it provided with regard to the fear that is moving through here…

In the dream I am laying in bed, just as I usually am while sleeping. A voice in the dream said: “Maybe you need to take care of that before B gets home.” There was a sense that “the voice” motioned to the window. So in my dream I looked at the window across from me, and it appeared as if there was someone behind the curtain panel on the left, as there was a protrusion of the curtain in the shape of a body and head. I kept looking, trying to see more clearly. As I attempted to look more intently at what this was, an eye appeared in front of the curtain panel to the right, with the faintest outline of a face – the emphasis being the eye; a rather large eye – just staring back at me. In the dream it freaked me out, triggering the nightmare. And I evidently did my usual warbling routine that I do when having nightmares, waking my husband up. I then heard B saying in my ear: “It’s okay – you’re dreaming – it’s just a dream – it’ll be okay.” That woke me up from the dream just enough to allow me to realize I was dreaming, and that there was no boogyman behind the curtain… Whew!

What came to me in the moments after, when I was trying to fall back to sleep, was – “Fear is a dream.” It was as if a switch went off in my head – bing.

This led to the insight that “fearing” during waking hours is also dream. It’s a dream of fear in Consciousness/Awareness. The *mind* of this mechanism called ‘me’ evidently gets freaked out by life’s make-believe boogymen behind curtains. Fear apparently happens when we focus on the construct of the ‘me’ and not the greater context of Self that is really living here.

I also noted that in some ways Fear has become a mask, a persona with which I have met the world. And that construct is collapsing evidently - hopefully. Five days before I had the nightmare I passed a kidney stone – the release of frozen fear. Fear is being released from this body-mind in many ways, and it appears that the “me” structure that has carried this fear all these years may be collapsing with it, as there is a growing recognition of its emptiness – revealing that this mask of fear, this fearful “me” is really a dream veil – hiding the real Self…

In the dream I *believed* I saw “the boogyman” hiding behind the curtain. I *believed* I saw an eye staring back at me. In the dream they were real to me, causing fear. But they were just dream figures rising from the mind, or psyche. And the only thing that *broke* the belief was being told that it was only a dream and waking up to the fact that it was only a dream. Hearing the words, “it’s just a dream,” spoken in my ear - the dream and the belief in its realness dissolved….

Somehow this should translate into waking life as well, don’t you think! There should be this amazing “enlightenment” that life is just a dream – a construct of the mind – with resulting joy and bliss at this realization. As of yet, this hasn’t fully happened. This sense of me evidently still believes the dream figures that appear from behind life’s curtains like a habituated dream machine. But I seem to know on some level that these fears are only dream ghosts from past beliefs, from repetitive, reactive responses to life’s events. The awareness is there – that the fear I experience is just that, an experience, created by how I *see* or what I *believe* about what I see. In this sense I seem to be slowly awakening from the dream machine.


~*~

“You dream your experiences.
You dream that you are (afraid, fearful, anxious)
Look at experiences as insubstantially transient
and related to mind projections.

When we think of experiences as only a dream,
it is less real to us.
It loses its power over us -
the power we gave it -
so it can no longer disturb us…”

Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche
The Tibetan Yoga of Dreams and Sleep
Quote taken from ZenDotStudio blog

~

So where is the experience actually experienced?
In Awareness…
There’s only Awareness
experiencing Itself as energy.
This sense of ‘me’ floats within Awareness.
It’s all Awareness – dreaming…

Author unknown…

~~~~~~~

Photo – the face of my drum


7 comments:

  1. Dearest Christine,
    Your words pretty much describe it in this beautiful post. As do the 'other' exquisite words of the cave dwellers. It's a long lineage:)
    Everything but the kidney stone part. There's probably too much valerian root for that -- knock myself out so I don't see the boogey man. Last night...right after I popped a few valerian root to escape the nightmare (or fear)...I must've put something down on the night table which accidentally turned on the remote to the TV. All of a sudden in the dark of the middle of the night the head of Darth Vader saying 'Yes!' (or something) blazed across the bedroom space. Gad. Good thing the valerian kicked in pronto.
    Aside from the drama there are underlying tones of being 'nailed to now' where those stories don't proliferate as much. And a really odd feeling that, given what appears to be 'happening', I should really be afraid but somehow the two don't seem to match up as much as they used to. It feels there are some seismic shifts taking place that I'm not fully conscious of. Your posts, as well as those of the other cave dwellers, compassionately hint at feelings right under the surface.
    With much love and gratitude for that and for (your) Dear Being.
    XOXO
    -Leslie

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  2. Thanks Leslie ~ Yeah, I know, fear is drama, is story. And it's a story/dream that I'm not comfortable dreaming anymore. So am meeting it moment by moment as it arises in this body-mind. I am actually grateful for the dream because it allowed me to see more clearly that fear is just a dream story...

    Am glad you are experiencing less fear these days. :) Christine

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  3. wow, apparently this "dream" consciousness permeated to a very deep level for you. It is wonderful that it has registered at this blood and bones kind of level.

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  4. ZDS ~ Yes, fear has been very deep. This morning was the first morning in a long time that I have awakened *without* the underlying feeling of fear, but with a depth of clarity and stability in meeting the day - a welcome change! There is more of a sense of mindfulness/awareness of what's beyond "the fear dream" that has a quality of curiosity and gratitude - which is also very welcome! Time to dream a new experience evidently :)

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  5. Dear CDS's!!
    "There is more of a sense of mindfulness/awareness of what's beyond "the fear dream" that has a quality of curiosity and gratitude - which is also very welcome!" -- YES!!!
    Thank you Dear Christine
    XOXO
    -Leslie

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  6. Do you have the sense Christine that the eye peering at you from behind the curtain is you 'looking at you?' I sort of sense that it is...and as for the passing of the stone, that is so huge...body expelling 'stuff' which is no longer needed, in this case the fear? In your awareness then you are ascending into a much greater being of Presence and Light...no stones to hold you down. Just my humble perception Cave Dweller...we seem to have a tribe don't we?
    That...is a good thing!
    Blessings for this Season of Thanksgiving!

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  7. How sweet Akasa - fellow Cave Dweller :) Thank you for sharing your perceptions... I didn't try to analyze or interpret the dream symbols in this dream, but saw the whole thing as a metaphor for releasing fear. There could be many interpretations of "the eye" and the fear it triggered: It could be the 'All-Seeing' eye; it could be the fear of being seen; it could be telling me that I really need to *see* this, type thing.

    Yes, body-mind has been releasing "stuff" big time. Thankfully so. I seem to have "transitioned" into a "new" place, a new way of seeing (yet another interpretation!) in the last couple of days, which I am unable to articulate at this time - except that it has something to do with honoring my "Natural Rhythms." There are many "changes"/transitions underfoot here in many areas. And with the release of fear, I am ready for these new explorations and discoveries :) Future "Cave Writings" I'm sure! :)

    Sweet Dreams :) Christine

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