Free Floating Anxiety...

How interesting that July started out with a new “Passion for Life” and is ending up in deep underground pools of free floating anxiety.  I hadn’t realized that these underground pools were still there, waiting to pull me under and nearly drown me.  And it wasn’t the “big event” of the shooting in the movie theatre that triggered it.  No, it was the little things that sent me head long back into contraction… 

The week started off with breaking off a professional relationship with someone when I realized we were not on the same wave length spiritually, nor did we share the same vision - for me. Instead she had her own agenda, and my red flags kicked in to full gear when I realized this was not going to be a beneficial relationship.  It triggered anxiety to intuitively step out and do what was “right” for me.  The old message that it isn’t okay to be “real”/honest/authentic – to say “no” – to pay attention to my intuition and not just follow the path of another – taking on their perspective.  Strangely, stepping out, following my inner Voice, was the trigger for a week long episode of familiar disabling anxiety.

I am aware that this is a deeply engrained, life long, neuronal pathway that is like a constant stimulus in the brain that says, danger, danger, life is dangerous – being who you are is dangerous…  And there is evidently a remembered response of anxiety in the body-mind.  By Tuesday I was beginning to slip away into the pull of its currents.    

“We”, well actually DH decided that it was also time to take our car in for transmission repair the same week that we also had some preventative plumbing issues taken care of…  It was a week of over stimulation, and by Friday I was drowning in the cesspools of anxiety unable to come up for air.  I was paralyzed by what others would consider to be a small series of life events.  I know I was primed for this in childhood.  It has been my modus operandi through life.  But through the mind muck I *was* able to realize that life was really only reflecting back to me the hidden trauma and anxiety that was already there, residing in the underground pools – waiting for me to notice - again. 

It’s interesting to me how some people can go through life barely scathed by life events, not disabled by anxiety, and others, like me, are sensitive to the external stimuli of trying to juggle life... Some are just better jugglers.   Even if I know it is only the mind mechanism at play here – it’s debilitating.  It’s my blind spot, so-to-speak, where I am not fully aware…

It was also interesting to watch how this feeling escalated out of control, even knowing that all I had to do was return my awareness to the ever-present Primal Beingness that holds it all.  It became clear that I was still identified with this anxious, fear mongering mind within – not the Essential Being that we are.  But no amount of meditation, or trying to switch perspectives would allow my mind to ‘let go.’ Believe me, if I could have found the perception switch I would have changed to a different channel!  So I rode the waves, and free floated in the experience of anxiety as treacherous as it felt at times.  And I still feel it creeping up on me, as car issues have not been resolved.  There have been other issues created by messin’ with the transmission that we were not prepared for.  Apparently there is a deeper awareness to be discovered here… No, not about the car.   So I surf the waves once again – free floating – holding on to the life raft of awareness that there is something present here beyond the fear, that is untouched by any life experience.

It is challenging to practice deep acceptance, to keep turning my awareness towards Primordial Presence and remember the Primal Message of life – that there is only Beingness – the vast field of Aware Consciousness - in which all of life occurs – including its anxieties. It is challenging to remember that this Primal Being is at the Heart of every experience of life, no matter how painful.  And to remember that everything that happens in life, and our reaction to it, is to bring us to greater awareness of our True Nature – to wake us up to our True Nature.  Evidently I’m still waking up, expanding awareness *through* the experience of anxiety…

From a non-dual perspective there is *nothing* that can affect this Primal, Essential Beingness that we are.  And yet, the body-mind tells us differently.  Through our beliefs *about* life, and how it should be happening; about how we see our self, or how we believe we should be, and what we identify ourselves with - the mind-identified person - anxiety arises.  Instead, when we identify with the Vastness of Being, it is the life raft that allows us to float on the sea of life… 

Just writing about this has brought perspective again ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Change of Venue

Like the season, I seem to be transitioning. I am in a place of “not knowing” at the moment.

Because of the change in season and the colder night weather, I have had to change venues for “window sitting.” I have had to return to the comfort of “the cave” – my regular meditation space. It has been a difficult adjustment. There has been a lot of unexpected restlessness and unsettledness in changing spaces. I miss my window. But I don’t like sitting there with the window closed, as the open window has been a big part of my experience – leaning into the Night – smelling the fresh smells - hearing the sounds of Nature. The pull of the window is no longer there. This pull has been missing for a couple of weeks now, which I interpret to mean that there is a need for change. So I am being available to that change, to the awareness of what needs to change, to where the pull of Consciousness wants to go…

I have tried “window sitting” in the morning at a different window, sitting in the sun. But it’s not the same. I’ve tried “the cave” at different times to see if that made a difference. But no… It’s as if the “window” has been closed inwardly as well… And I’m beginning to feel a little alarmed. Maybe this change of venue is about a change in “seeing” – in the way I *see* that needs to change. And maybe this restlessness and inability to settle in to “the cave” is resistance – resistance to going deeper, to entering more deeply into the cave within. Maybe it’s resistance to seeing those remaining hidden shadows that continue to dance on the walls of my mind – particularly fear. It’s a very deep neuronal groove in this brain that needs to be deeply seen and met.

So I’m trying to nest again – to settle into “the cave.” I find lately that I just like sitting there, in the dark, sometimes only a candle on, (floor cushion is no longer an option) – just sitting in the cave of Silence, deepening into the breath and the space of deep inner Stillness. It seems to be just what is needed at this time.

And what is noticed is that there is also a sense of transition in my “spiritual experience” as well. I recently realized that I am tired of all the “structures,” the conceptual structures of being, even the so-called ‘non-duality’ conceptual structures. There is a need to just be in the Spaciousness of Existence – absent any kind of construct – constructs of philosophy, religion, belief, words language, mental and emotional constructs, and frameworks of interpretation; just sitting with awareness of what is Aware, in the fluidity of not knowing – exploring “the cave” and seeing what might be written on its walls…

~*~

Habitual Patterns

As I sit here, the duct cleaning man is reaming out all our ducts - quack.:) There is a loud, whirring, rhythmic sound of a large, industrial vacuum and the buzzing sound of the reamer tool as it goes through each of the ducts, as the duct man makes his way through the house – which could last from 5-8 hours. I expected to hear more clanging and banging of metal. But he showed us the whirly-gig tool, and it’s really pliable plastic spirals that spin as he feeds it down through each vent opening.

Another duct cleaning man actually came Thursday morning and within a half hour there was an area wide power outage! What are the chances that THAT would happen on the same day!? More Karma? – just kidding… :) He barely got started unscrewing the register plates. I called the electrical company and got a recording that informed me that the power would be out for 4 hours! You never get to talk to a real person. So the duct cleaning man packed up his things and left, telling me to call the company, explain the situation and reschedule – which I did and here we are.

A young, foreign speaking man from Niger, West Africa arrived this morning at 8:20am. (Niger, not Nigeria). When I first heard his accent I thought maybe it was Caribbean with that stereotypical happy lilting sound that seems to rise in different places than the English language. I have to listen very hard to understand what he’s saying – which means paying attention, acutely listening. My first thought was - he seems knowledgeable enough – like *I* should know! :) So I have to *trust* that he does indeed know what he’s doing. (I was the same way with the previous technician – trying to micro-manage and make sure he knew what he was doing – how laughable.) Besides it’s duct cleaning, not brain surgery. Still, I want everything done thoroughly. The website assures that all technicians are “certified.” So once again it’s – step back and trust.

But the habitual pattern is to become vigilant, anxious, mistrusting, wanting to be on top of things, making *sure* things are done just “right” – once again – like *I* know… It’s the control issue again. My husband, on the other hand, fell asleep in the chair, perfectly content to let things be as they are. Our brains are wired differently evidently. :) There are years and years of engrained, eroded neuronal pathways in my brain that trigger electrical impulses down the same path every time. And so I am feeling *very* uncomfortable in the moment, edgy. My body is feeling the surge of impulses to try to take charge of a situation that I have no control over what-so-ever. Which actually when I think about it, is most of life! So the microcosm reflects the macrocosm, my little world reflects the greater reality… Why do I keep going down those same pathways? Why doesn’t my brain get this? But it’s like I really don’t have any control over that either, unless I do some heavy weight training I guess, trying to re-pattern the pattern… I know, it’s called "mindfulness practice” - bringing awareness to the pattern.

So I am having a cultural experience this morning – as well as what’s beginning to sound like major construction going on in the house – the closer it gets to where I am. I did manage to find out that Sani (?sp – sounds like “sonny”) has lived in the US for 8 years. His wife is here, but his parents and other relatives are back in Africa. And he lived in Nebraska before he moved to Colorado 5 years ago. And he seems like a very happy man. I envy that. Even though many spiritual teachers say that it is our Nature to be happy, for some reason this “true nature happiness” eludes me. Probably because of all those conditioned, neural responses from early childhood that got laid down because I believed that life was dangerous. I believed the *story* that life was dangerous – and the internal beware signs went up. The dream character here is still responding to the externals of life, to the story, to the content of what’s happening – like events, circumstances and their corresponding feelings, body responses, and such, rather than living from the greater *Context* of Reality itself – Consciousness itself. And so in that respect this little event today brings more awareness to that mechanism that is still very alive here. It’s a multi-relational experience really – seeing how everything relates to everything else – and how I relate to it all – and how sometimes I get lost down those ducts – those pathways of habitual patterns…

Heart Smiles…