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sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of Life...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

0-60

I don’t understand how this happens really, how I can go from O-6O so quickly. I had 3 wonderful days of Liquid Life, “Nirvana”, profound Peace, Bliss – Zero point – suspended in the Womb of the Heart last week. The tangible, expansive, felt sense of “The Beloved” was so deep and undeniable that I thought, wow, *this* is what all the spiritual teachers are talking about – the deep, incredible profound space of Absolute Awareness and the Peace that passes understanding. And now I’m steeping in anxiety again… Go figure.

I could feel it begin to rev up again uncontrollably a couple of days ago – life stuff you know – the usual stories – the mind latching onto them. And before I knew it my mind was like a race car speeding around that same old track – fixating on form once again – and everything blurred. Darn. I thought once one had slipped into that nirvanic womb all the old patterns just magically washed away. That happens to some I hear, everything just drops away – depression, fear, anxiety – whatever has ailed them dissolves into the liquid womb, and “they” are forever changed. That does not seem to be the case here – at least not permanently - which always leaves me feeling lacking, adding to the pain of separation – that strange mind malady; the pool of separateness that the mind likes to bathe in – the mud bath, which makes that speedway thought track a little messy…

So it’s back to “the chair” for extended R&R at the pool of Awareness again. Actually I’ve been sneaking away to “the chair” more lately – resting, deeply relaxing, turning my awareness to “The Beloved” as much as possible, basking in the deep Womb of the Heart – until Ms. Anxiety arrived. So now I will invite Ms. Anxiety to join me – she’s here anyway – idling her engines, raring to go. So I’ll take a look under the hood and see what her issues are this time. It’s always somethin’…

In the mean time I have my little reminders posted on the kitchen cabinet door for the forgetting times like these; reminders that underneath the blur of anxiety is still a peaceful depth of pure Silence that flows...





~*~

Top Photo - Blown glass ball radially blurred



11 comments:

  1. Dearest Christine,
    I love you.
    XOXO
    -L.

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  2. Dear Leslie ~ I love you too :) Big Heart Hugs...

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  3. Blessings and warm hugs, Christine. "Darn. I thought once one had slipped into that nirvanic womb all the old patterns just magically washed away." I smiled with this connection to each other.

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  4. I was just reading a review of a translation of an important Japanese text, (Dogen's Shobogenzo) where he says "training and enlightenment are one" so it's not that you are separated from it, it's just that you were expecting to find something different! As we all do!

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  5. Darla ~ Yeh, the mind stories of separateness are a universal "connective" experience... What a world it would be if we "connected" - or rather - recognized our connection through our Beingness!

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  6. ZDS ~ Right, separation is a mind-based illusions, the mind's story, so after such a profound, tangible recognition of this deep, unitive "contentment" of our True Nature, I wasn't expecting the mind to drag me back into the illusion of separation... But it did, so obviously need to bring that puppy mind back to the cushion and give it some biscuits to see why it's still invested in the fear story. And as always - embracing whatever is revealed. Thanks :)

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  7. Isn't she sweet, that frantic puppy? Isn't her craziness and grasping and fearing just so...so? Isn't the frustration response also precious in its pure "aaaarrrrrggghhh"-ness? You are so perfect, Christine! :)
    Love you,
    M.

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  8. Hey Maria :) Yes, puppy-mind and I are frequent flyers. You'd think we'd be used to each other by now... I invited her to tea the other and we had a good conversation, gained lots of insights for the next blog post, when I get around to writing it :) Love, C

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  9. Oh Christine! "...gained lots of insights for the next blog post"...I am hoping this will be the one to wrassle me free from the agony of all this back-and-forth suffering.
    Last night with the story dropped in love and just being -- no meditation...nothing spiritual about it -- there was clearly no 'I'. About as clear as I've ever felt. Then today the anxious and troublesome thoughts back with a vengeance. I really don't think it's possible without, one-on-one guidance, to step beyond these particular story lines. Perhaps if I was already deeply established in Presence...as someone recently suggested to me.
    XOXO
    -L.

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  10. Hey Leslie... Oooo wonderful:) ~ Bummer :( The Yo-yo effect... Happens here too.

    "Perhaps if I was deeply established in Presence..." That seems to be the crux of it...

    Stay tuned - next post tomorrow morning :) Although don't know if it will "wrassle you free" :) Maybe just open a crack for some more light to get in...

    Hugs :) C

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  11. OH! More cracks...thank you Christine. Am applying the sledge hammer right now to try and speed the process up... XOXO
    -L.

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