Simply Now-ing...

I’ve been basking in this “new” (and not so new) revelation that life is a story being lived by Life/Beingness ItSelf; that we *are* the living story of Life. And I’ve come down from my manic moment of joy at the revelation that Life lives this story of “me” that I’ve identified with all these years – and believed, for a while at least, needed to be “enlightened” – and have returned to a sense of simply living…

It occurred to me, during this “revelation”, that there is no “present moment” to be *in.* There is only the “Now-ing” of simply living life (not to sound too Tolle-ish :). That is – there is only the immediacy of our current experience, whatever that experience/story happens to be – just living that experience, however it unfolds; which may take several “moments”: hours, days, weeks, months, years. In Pure Awareness/Beingness, there is no awareness of past, present or future moments. There is only and ever Now-ing unfolding itself. You cannot *bring* your *self* into the “present moment.” “Present Moment” is a concept, a conceptual reality, a framework and structure of time – as is the individual sense of a separate self needing to be present, or *do* anything to improve itself, or become “enlightened.”

Therefore, NOW does not refer to time and space, but timeless Awareness, timeless Beingness – and the experience that is occurring *in* that timeless space *as* life. Beingness has no concept of “moment” or “presence” or “time” – or “self.”

“You”/Beingness just experiences, awares, lives whatever is happening without the framework or reference point of calling it “present moment,” or past, or future. (Did I already say that?:) It’s just Life being life. It is Beingness experiencing ItSelf as a “me” or “you” – as an experience within ItSelf... Simply Now-ing.

Time/thought/”self”/life is a “wrinkle” in the spaciousness of timelessness – like ripples on a pond… This is not new information – although I am seeing it as “new.”

“Now” is continually occurring, unfolding fluidly and seamlessly. Yet, still a ripple, a construct, *if* held onto too tightly by a belief in a “self” that can hold onto Now. This Now is not now, as in time or place. “Now” is eternally unending, constantly reverberating through the *concept* of past, present, future… Now is what the “wrinkles of time” happen *in* - Timelessness; no “present moment” – just whatever is occurring is the experience of “Now.”

And so the “awakening” seems to be that we simply recognize Life living life – seeing the Luminous in everything – recognizing and *knowing* that we ARE that Luminosity of Life living ItSelf –simply living; allowing the experience of living to take us “Home” – to the Heart of Being – which is Now. :)

“If you have no idea of self…
you are free from the idea of
past, present and future.”

Shunryu Suzuki

~

“By ‘Here’ I don’t mean this present space.
Here is within.
Presence is always here,
and you are always That.
This here is not the opposite of “there.”
This here, it is your Heart.
All the cosmos is but a speck in your Heart.

Enlightenment is always here.”

Papji
The Truth Is

~

"How can divine Oneness be seen?
In beautiful forms,
breathtaking wonders,
awe-inspiring miracles?

The Tao is not obliged to present
itself in this way.

If you are willing to be lived by it,
you will see it everywhere,
even in the most ordinary things."

Lao Tzu

~

"Now is not a moment in time,
but is truly timelessness – eternal."

Rupert Spira


~

Photo: The first rose of summer – gone now.

Love's Furnace...

We are the grace of Love,
the shimmer of Sacred Light,
lustrous uniqueness in a field of
multitudinal Divine Shimmers
~ autonomous, yet in glittering oneness.

We are the twinkle of liberated luminosity
radiating from the Heart Pulse of Love
within the Stream of Life,
in continuous unfoldment.
We are created, and create from,
the glowing embers
of the magical furnace of
Love’s Fire…

Receive the molten flow of golden translucence
that forms you in the fire of Divine Love.
Let it infuse you in every micron of consciousness
~ the Spirit of Golden Love Light turned fluid,
flowing incessantly and seamlessly
from the Primordial Heart.

Receive Love’s Presence,
and Love’s presents:
Grace
Freedom
Flow
Truth
Wisdom
Light and Love -----
Love of Love
Love experiencing Itself as Love
in every breath…


Written December 21, 2001


Art: Burning Fire Vortex
This was done during one of my recent fevers :)

Life Came Back...

Then when
it seems
we will never
smile again,
life comes back...









This photo and verse are on a blank greeting card that I found many years ago. (See copyright info below). I kept it for myself, to remind me that through the “dark” times, life does come back… Of course *Life* never goes away. It just changes form. Life morphs Itself.

During times of fever, through my recent experiences with illness, I was drawn into deep Stillness, similar to the space of aware Stillness in meditation – only deeper. I was surprised that illness could lead to such a deep space of Stillness. The mind and body - though laboring under illness - were less active, and I was able to find a deep inner space of rest - amazing. And yet, there were many times that it also felt as if “life” (the sense of aliveness, well-being, embodiment) had left and would not return – or at least was on hold somewhere in cyberspace maybe. Hello~o~o~o~o …. This is not to sound dramatic. I was not near death. It was just the way “I” experienced it. But of course “Life” hadn’t left – the body-mind was still here, still functioning… But it was experienced that *something* “left” – the felt sense of Presence. Inexplicable…

Monday night, however, “LIFE came back” – the healing rain came. There was a clear shift in body-mind. Energy returned to the body and clarity to the mind – a sense of wellness and well-BEing – a sense of being here, aware, alive; a sense of the spirit of LIFE embodying this body again. Although energy levels still seem to come and go.

“Life came back”, much as it had been before. There were no big revelations, no breakthroughs, no big shifts in perception. Life lived on – like nothing had happened at all. Even intentionally taking time out for “refuge” for a few days in Stillness last week, as part of my “recovery”, was not a life-changing “retreat.” My home did not suddenly become a monk’s (or is that monkess’s :) monastery filled with chants, meditation and enlightenment - darn. There was still – husband home 24/7 - again - conversing, engaging; meals to make, laundry to be done, sprinkler system to “help” fix; and mother continuing to call every day to see if I was “better” – no pressure there. :) My “refuge” was nothing more than taking refuge in inner Stillness – capturing moments of Silence as much as possible – listening inwardly as Life lived on.

Now I am experiencing a renewed curiosity in and re-commitment to this deep inner Stillness of Being, the Aliveness within, as a way of life. I take more time during the day to feel and listen to this inner Presence of Being, awareing IT, experiencing IT, breathing IT, absorbing IT - delighting in the wonderment of IT as it pulses through this body. However, I do feel the demands of ordinary life and requirements of daily living beginning to crowd it out - again. I understand why gurus, yogis, artists, writers, and contemplatives head for the hills, places unknown, caves and nature – to *live* in wondrous refuge and intimacy with the Stillness of Life within – listening deeply to Its Voice.

I am curious – What is your refuge? What allows you to experience the Aliveness of Being within on a daily basis?

~*~


Photo
copyright – Chris Jones
Card
copyright - The Borealis Press – 1997
Surry Maine

The Flame of Stillness...

Move
into
the
depths
of
Stillness

~ Internal Stillness ~

as
Stillness
draws
you
in
d
e
e
p
e
r
.
.
.



Touch the depths of Stillness within…
The Dynamic Stillness that is the core of all Life…

Feel the movement of It.
the subtlety,
the fluidity,
the rhythm ~


~ Just suspend in the embrace of Stillness ~


~ Just Being ~


Do not come seeking solutions,
remedies, or answers…
Just settle
into
the
deep
Stillness
that is
Life
ItSelf,
and let It
nourish
you.


Breathe
into
S
t
i
l
l
n
e
s
s
~
~
~


When movement comes from
deep Stillness within,
from Silence,
it has no fore-thought,
no thinking,
no planning,
no deciding.

It just
flows
from
the
depths
of
Life
ItSelf,

for the simple delight
of Being ItSelf ~
the delight of Life ~
animating ItSelf…

~

There is only the deep Stillness;
the deep, impenetrable, enfolding,
Light of Stillness,
shining Its brilliance
unendingly,
inextinguishable;
an eternal Flame,
Ever-Present

S
t
i
l
l
n
e
s
s
.
.
.

~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
August 2011


Art: The Flame of Stillness

Taking Refuge...

I realized through this ‘bout with illness the last few weeks that I have just been dancing on the surface of life, leaping from wave to wave, being driven by life events, life circumstances, family needs, focused only on what’s happening at the surface, trying not to be overwhelmed by other waves crashing around me. But of course, there it was, overwhelm that lead to illness. And most recently discovering that when one is “ill” one tends to fixate on the body and what’s wrong with the body – losing sight of the *depth* of Being that underlies it all.

It was also realized that what is needed here is deep rest and taking refuge in this deep Stillness of Being that is the Ocean of Life; sensing – again - what it feels like to live life from and as this deep place of Stillness – from the awareness and *knowing* of this Stillness that is Life.

So I am diving deep these days, taking refuge and resting in the deep Stillness of Being that is Home – experiencing what it feels like to BE well again in the core of my Being…

“I” shall return to blogging as the Ocean moves me, as the Inner Voice leads, as Stillness speaks, etc. In the mean time I’ll enjoy being inspired by all your wonderful blogs!

~ ♥ ~

The Medical Circus

I’ve been away at the circus a few days this week – the “medical circus” that is. It was quite scary actually. I had been in the ER 5 days before with a fever. Blood work did not indicate an infection, so they determined it was probably a virus. I was released. A couple of days later I started feeling better. And then Sunday another fever crept up and up to 100.4. At 8pm I got a call from the ER saying that the blood culture they did had come back positive for bacteria in the blood, and I must get back to the ER immediately because I could be septic, especially since I had a fever again. When I got to the ER the triage nurse used one of those ear thermometer machines and it said 98.4, I said no way. She was not amused. You’re not supposed to question a machine’s readings evidently. By the time I got back to an exam room my temp was 101.9 - and all the alarm bells went off – well not exactly. It took 2 hours before they put an IV in, or do any of the repeat bloodwork. And of course a repeat chest x-ray and ekg – just in case. I thought - this is going to be a lonnnnggggg night. I didn’t know how long. The ER doctor came in and said I would be admitted. I was just about to be taken to a room around 2am when she came back in and said: We actually think you have an Urinary Tract Infection. My reply: And I have to be admitted for that!? She nodded, probably because of my long medical history, and only one good kidney, and still that possibility of blood bacteria. So down the halls of the circus tent we went…

I am “allergic” to a lot of antibiotics, so I’m not only an enigma with this fever of unknown origin, I am difficult patient to treat. They can’t just throw the “usual” at me and send me out the door. And since the blood culture didn’t make it clear what bacteria they were treating, they weren’t sure what antibiotic on my short list to try. Nothing like playing Russian Roulette with antibiotics… Anxiety arose as I felt the juggling act begin.

After arriving in my hospital room I underwent a rather lengthy intake interview with the nurse who asked all kinds of silly questions, like – are you feeling neglected? My husband is sitting there. It’s nearing 3am. He needs to get home and get sleep. I just laughed and said are you kidding? She seriously looked at me and said no, as she continued to read the silly questions from her computerized list.

The Infectious Disease doctor came to see me during daylight hours. He evidently doesn’t like the night circus. I understand… He seemed like one of the only sane ones there. He said that if a blood culture doesn’t grow any bacteria in 3 days, and comes back positive after 5 days, then it’s usually a contaminated specimen. It would have been nice if the ER people knew that before they hit the alarm bell. And yet, I was obviously still very sick. He wasn’t convinced that it was “just” a UTI. He suggested other things and diagnostic tests ensued – more juggling.

My nurse for the day came to my room that first morning looking worse than I felt, and was not miss congeniality. Nurses have become more like automated specialized technicians, pushing around their computerized charting system on wheels and dispensing meds – looking a little like robots in a sci-fi flick. She came in, wrote her name on the white board and turned to leave the room without saying a word. Hello! I said, I have a question please. You have to catch these nurses when you can. I needed to know how to get a hold of registration to give them my insurance information – to make sure my admission had been authorized. I was curtly told that she knew nothing about insurance, that she had nothing to do with insurance. I don’t recall that that was my question, but hey, it was 7am and she looked like she’d been up for several days, so maybe her brain switch wasn’t on yet. I mumbled something unkind under my breath as she left the room. The circus lasted 3 days, like an unpleasant dream. I met a lot of interesting characters in the dream. Some attentive, competent, compassionate and caring, and one with a big heart, who engaged, made eye contact, and genuinely liked what she was doing. Ah – there’s always one.

It was all very surreal. On the one hand it seemed very real - physical body in crisis. On the other, it was like it wasn’t really happening, like I was just floating through it all. But, because of being fearful of the “medical circus,” I contracted into the fear dream. It was automatic. I was not thinking: “I am BEingness just having this experience,” or blissfully sensing BEingness, stepping back from the story that was taking place. No, it was just a head long dive into madness – contracting into fear and separation. It was soooo automatic. Until the third day.

Before I found out I was to be discharged that afternoon, even though still feeling quite ill – actually worse than when I went in - probably due to the antibiotics - I managed a wonderful “window sit” in my room. Wish I had been able to get a picture of my view: another wing of the hospital with strange looking architecture. Angled walls that protruded outwards in stair step fashion with small square windows and round vents on one side that let the light through at night – which was actually strangely soothing; little openings where the Light got through to remind me It was still there, even in the darkness. And if I put my chair close up to the window, leaned on the window sill and looked west, I could see the mountains against the back drop of a beautiful blue sky and puffy white clouds. Ah - there’s the sanity. I recognized it… I breathed it in, and tried to move into what the body was feeling, to just be with it, rather than fearing it. I sat with the fear in my gut and its constriction – with the whole body laboring under illness - trying to feel the space of Stillness beyond/within it all. For just a brief moment I felt it and the body relaxed… A brief respite from the circus…

Life in a body. :)

~

Photo: Close up of Glass Blown Ball