Come meander with me on the pathless path of the Heart
in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of Life...

Friday, June 29, 2012

Stopping the Madness...

Just within the past few days I had a simple awareness that gave me an Ah-ha moment.  I realized that my anger and frustration towards my family dynamic has a lot to do with my being too emotionally invested in wanting to fix it/them – to make life better *for* them, to rescue them from their life situation – feeling responsible to *do* something about their situation – and feeling helpless to do so; wanting both my mother and sister to *see* their wounds and the dynamic of their situation, to get help so they don’t have to wallow in their pain and dysfunction - AND so that I don’t have to feel responsible *for* them.  But the “madness” (anger) that I feel is really because I cannot *control* the situation, the outcome, their unwillingness to take action to alleviate their own pain.  And - because I don’t want to have to pay the consequences for *their* choices.  There are always consequences for the unconscious choices of others…  In essence I can’t get them to *want* to change the way they are doing life.  So I realized I just had to stop the madness for *myself* - to not sacrifice myself to their madness, as they unconsciously choose to live it.  I realized that I just had to let them live it in their own way, and focus on what is really important – stopping the madness in my own mind.

Still entangled in the family drama that had become a veil, blinding me from seeing clearly, from seeing the larger context in which the whole drama of life is played out – the space of Silent Aware Consciousness - it took 3 days of confusion, floundering, anger, sadness and Silent Meditation to clearly experience the clear, clean, open space of Aware Conscious within again.  It meant getting my self out of the way – letting go of the need to be on top of things, vigilant, alert, prepared – extricating myself emotionally from my role in the family drama that I have entrained with, and listening for the internal Rhythm of Being once again.  It also meant not allowing myself to be distracted by the family drama that keeps me living on the surface, but returning again and again to the Silent space and fluidity of True Beingness.

This little piece of writing below reflects (for me anyway) – that inner yearning to live authentically from that place of Truth – the greater context of Aware Consciousness. Of course each of us would define what that would look like differently, as each of us is a unique expression of Truth - but maybe you’ll find yourself in it too.  This was a journal entry from January 1, 2011 that I found with a “Post-It” note attached to it (see below).  I have put it in poem form.

I want to walk through life
truly *seeing* - truly Aware…
 *Awake* to the Truth of Eternal Being…
Open to Life –
 not with mental judgments, opinions, and interpretations
 of what is happening,
 or what should be happening,
 or what I wish would happen,
  but with receptivity,

I want to See *everything* as Living Beingness;
 every leaf that drops,
 or snowflake that falls,
every being -
 with the same innocent wonder and amazement as I did as a child
as if seeing Life living for the first time…

  I want to be in Love with Life again –
 if I ever was…
  Maybe Loving Life in new ways –

I want to Hear
the laughter
in my

I want to Experience
with curiosity
and equanimity

I want to Notice…
every thought,
and feeling
as it arises
trying to confine it,
or suppress it
before it is expressed;
or correct others
in their expression.

Save me from the arrogance of
thinking that I know what others need,
or how to “help” or “fix” them;
allowing others to be who they are,
trusting that Life is taking
them where they need to go,
just as It is me…

Let me be free from the entanglements
of the mind
that keep me compliant,
and complicit,
with the world’s ways…

Life is a paradigm of endless pathways,
and I want to risk not following the rules,
the well-worn paths.
Instead - rising above
the familiarity
of “the path”
to see what’s *really* here…

I want to live
the simplicity

And may I have the courage
to speak with fierce grace
to those who would try to
quell this passion,
to strip this enthusiasm,
and suffocate this spontaneity
the radiance


Mystic Meandering
Meditative Writings
January 1, 2011

And here is that quote that was stuck onto the journal page with a sticky note – which I also put in the form of a poem…

“If you want to see what’s behind the curtain of reality,
to take the red pill
and discover what the matrix really is,
you have to have a yearning for Absolute Truth.

You have to be willing to give up everything.
The cost is literally all of you -
to leave ‘everything’
to know and experience
the Truth:
your materialism,
your psychological addictions,
your identity,
your life-long programming,
even family

Author Unknown

And I would assume this also means blogging… :)

Please Note:  This does not mean I intend to walk out
the front door and abandon my family :)
They know I am always available to them.
  Any of you who have known the
deep yearning for Truth will understand...
Essentially what I am saying and feeling
 is not allowing myself to be distracted
from this passion for Truth that I feel...

And - it's about seeing the difference between having
compassion for others
and being co-dependent -
not rescuing people from the consequences
of their own choices and their life's path...



Top – Reflections of light through stained glass window.

#2 – I experimented with a function called Inversion,
making the photo look like a negative,
only with color.  Amazing how that works!
I love this affect!

#3 – Reflection in the window



  1. Thank you. This hit home with a bullseye. Blessings and peaceful offerings.

  2. so much in this post! yes our opinions and judgments! yesterday I saw so clearly how habit drives these opinions and judgments. humbling really.

    1. Oh sorry... Just thought I'd have an end of June clean sweep tying up all loose ends, covering all the bases before I turn the page :)

      Yes, it's all very humbling when the fog begins to clear and you can see what the mind has been up to...

  3. well said!
    I love too this quote from an Alice Sebold book -
    'you save yourself or you remain unsaved'
    So you're not abandoning them, just allowing them to find their own path in their own time and own way, because that's the only way it can happen.
    And if it doesn't happen, I guess there's always another life!

    1. Thank you Maggie! Good to see you here! Thank you for your comment. Yes, so true - not abandoning them at all! Just changing how we do the dance. I will still be very much involved with their lives, but what had to change was my perspective. In a sense I had to find my passion for life again, that Aliveness within that sustains all living beings - and step out of the way and let things unfold - as you say in their own time and own way...
      With much appreciation. Christine


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