Feeling Old - a meandering...

I feel old...

But I now enjoy sitting in "aloneness" in the
inner wilderness of silence - just being -
in an empty house without distraction;
with no need for "doing"...

I listen more deeply, and notice more;
like the ceiling fan, that's always been there,
creating a small breeze that caresses my skin.
(After all that's what it's for :))

I hear the sounds of nature merging with the
highway hum into one sound through the window
where I sit; and don't get irritated by 
a world of busyness breaking through the quietude,
sitting in the "aloneness" in the
inner wilderness of silence.

I breathe deeply into a deeper transcendent Silence within -
my comfort and solace.

I feel old...

When I catch my mirrored reflection
looking back at me...
I see an old woman in T-shirt and sweats.
(Well, fairly old :))
At least I still recognize her/me;
a shadow image of what I used to be...
With her old eyes, worn out body and bedraggled look...

I feel old...

When I have to pull out my deceased mother's old walker
from the closet to get to the bathroom at night,
easily losing my balance...

I somehow know I have begun
my end...

Unattached to physicality or self-image - yet still,
the reality of "endings" sets in...

I feel old...

Because the "spiritual questing" of my younger years
for "the truth", for the next "spiritual trinket", is gone.
(You notice I didn't say I'm "done." :))

Wanting only to rest in the Sacred Silence within;
that soothes this body and mind.

I feel old...

But I'm not ready for the rocking chair on the back porch,
although a hammock under the trees in the backyard 
would be nice - rocking to a melody by the Moody Blues
 while I watch the clouds and maybe even the stars -
knowing that even when
the owl calls my name
and this body is gone,
"I"
(well not "me" exactly, but you know what I mean)

"I" am still somewhere
in the Great Cosmos
that fills the space I leave...

Mystic Meandering
Aug 24, 2022

"In my end is my beginning" - T.S. Eliot

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

Insights from the Land of the Mundane...

Last week was challenging getting ready for an appraiser to appraise the house, as we are attempting to refinance…  It was like trying to do a major Spring cleaning that would normally take me a few weeks in only a few days, and I only made a dent. At first there was excitement and enthusiasm to be clearing through the dust and debris that had accumulated, but after 3 days I was physically exhausted, emotionally drained, overwhelmed, and spiritually dry.   I felt like I was living life according to a foreign rhythm, an artificial rhythm, imposed by the external demands of the house – not according to a deeper inner Rhythm.  Not getting enough meditative Silence, the mind took over.

Over 17 years the house has become an albatross, a task master, weighing me/us down.  It no longer suits our needs, or lifestyle.  And yet life has not afforded us the opportunity to move on.  In getting caught up in this “doing, doing doing” mode, I felt like I was on automatic, waking up everyday with the to-do list running in my head, and under pressure to get it done.  My life energy became cluttered, and I lost a felt sense of the inner Spirit of Life that pulsates underneath all the “doing”, leaving me feeling hollow and empty.

The mind, however, loved the external focus of all this doing, and became a “doing machine.”  The body just followed along with what the mind determined needed to be done; a body-mind mechanism that was on automatic, except the body was getting worn out following the mind, instead of its natural rhythms.  And so at the end of 5 days I had to let go of the “doing” and be in the Quiet – to drop into that Silent space of the Source within and *feel* the Presence of the Divine again.  And yet, the mind still continued to tell me what I should be doing – running its “to do” lists incessantly – the real task master…   

Let’s just say that through this mundane experience I have found out how I *don’t* want to live, not letting the house (or the mind) dictate the flow of my life, because, as I discovered, if one is *only* focused on the mundane, one can get lost. I am not a deva by any means.  It’s just that my priorities are different.  I delight in the Inner Life.  I thrive there.  I *need* the Silence out of time to *hear* and *feel* the Inner Rhythms of the Divine music in life. 

Without the sense of awareness of this Divine Presence life is empty, lived on automatic, going from one end of the day to the other.  No wonder we get lost in the latest technologies – dependent on our devices, rather than our inner Life.  We stay attached to our electronic leashes that seemingly “connect” us to the world because we are afraid that life without them holds no “meaning”, no “substance”, no “connection.”   We, as a culture, have lost a sense of Divine Presence, and so we numb our minds with technofog, with our ipads, ipods, iphones, internet, facebook, twitter, and yes, even blogging, J trying to make an illusive “connection” – avoiding the *real* connection to Life – losing touch with the *Essence* of Life ItSelf, cutting ourselves off from the Source. What does this have to do with house cleaning you may ask.  It’s a deeper issue.  It’s about whatever numbs us to The Mystery of the pulse of Life – for me it is getting bogged down in the practical tasks of living that do not feed my Spirit… 

I have felt the burden of this house for many years, feeling the need to move on and lighten the load.  And so the house is becoming an agent of change, as I live this experience and ask myself - what is absolutely necessary here?  In other words, why am I doing this ? – My resistance only reflects the need to defy the assumptions of my role and routine - beyond the apparent surface reason of the moment – ie: the appraisal.  What is important?  What is my priority?  What do I *really* want?  For me, it is doing that which enlivens my sense of awareness of the Inner Rhythm of the Divine, and letting that be what determines my life’s movement and give my life meaning and purpose.

The real “task” then became to let go of the daily tasking, to stop the “doing” until internal harmony was restored.  There is a Taoist saying: “In the not-doing, everything gets done.”  When I stopped the tasking, the tasks got done, freely and intuitively as *part* of the daily flow. And were no longer seen as a *chore.*  And yet I know I still need to find a way of living that supports the internal Divine Rhythm *without* the accumulated trappings of life that clutter my life.  Ultimately knowing there is nothing but “The Mystery” of Life being lived Here in the every-day-ness of life…

“A house can become a little self-enclosed world.
 Sheltered there, we learn to forget the wild,
 magnificent universe in which we live.
 When we domesticate our minds and hearts,
 we reduce our lives.
  We disinherit ourselves as children of the universe.

  Almost without knowing it, we slip inside ready-made roles and routines
 which then set the frames of our possibilities and permissions.
  Our longing becomes streamlined.
  We acquire sets of convictions in relation to politics, religion and work…
  We parrot these back and forth to each other, as if they were absolute insights.
  Yet for the most part these frames of belief function as self-contructed barriers,
 fragile clichés pulled around our lives to keep out the mystery.

The game of society helps us to forget the unknown…
  The control and ordering of society is amazing: we comply so totally

with its unwritten rules.
 We show up. We behave ourselves.
  Meanwhile, almost unknown to ourselves,
 we are standing on wild earth at a crossroads in time
 where anything can come towards us.
  Yet we behave as if we carry the world and were the executives of a great plan.

Everywhere around us mystery never sleeps.
 The same deep nature is within us.
 Each person is an incredibly sophisticated, subtle, and open-ended work of art.
  We live at the heart of our own intimacy, yet we are strangers to its endless nature.”

John O’Donohue
From: Eternal Echoes

Just Stop

Yesterday I kept hearing this little phrase in my head: Just Stop. I have heard this many times in the past. I know when I hear this it is wise to follow, so I don’t end up in the middle of an intersection broad-sided by an event. But, as usual, the day was filled with “doing,” so the little voice was a faint echo in the back of my head. I was busy catching up on things, as life has been hectic here lately, intensely working over the last several weeks to get the Serenity website up and published. I have been letting other things slide – including meditation time. (But at last the website has arrived for all the world to see… Drum roll please… Just kidding.)

Yesterday I kept thinking, well if I can just catch up on all this other “stuff” now, then I can designate tomorrow as my “stopping” day. I would be able to have leisurely time in stillness, meditating, journaling, possibly time outside laying in the hammock, and just BE-ing - in whatever form that took… Heh, heh, heh… Instead I once again managed to fill the space of today with “doing.” I was irritated with myself that I hadn’t allowed myself this “stopping” time – this time to reconnect with inner Stillness, with a sense of just BEing, with just resting in Awareness – a kind of inner retreat from the momentum of doing. Then after a late lunch I just conked out on the couch from exhaustion – finally giving in to the call to stop… But not consciously. It was a stop or else kind of thing…

Interestingly this morning I received a forwarded mailing from one of many “spiritual” web sites that I get… And the phrase that caught my eye was: “We need to just stop…” Gee, imagine that. Something was once again trying to get through to me… But I wasn’t paying attention – enough - wasn’t listening deeply enough to this inner knowing. Instead I was allowing the mind to drive – that pesky, impulsive teenager. And it seemed my mind was on some kind of excursion, looking for something else to wrap itself around – no not a tree - another doing, another thought, idea, feeling – grasping after more excitement. The mind didn’t want to settle. It likes busyness – to keep the engine revving. It likes to go from one project to the next, unconsciously – without awareness.

Was this busyness just another form of avoiding for some reason, resisting the very thing I wanted most – time for some inner Quiet…? Who knows. Consciously stopping finally occurred this evening, when the day energy quietly settled and I was able to temporarily park the mind-car in the garage. The stopping allowed me to reconnect with inner Awareness, to repose in inner Stillness and gain perspective. Now, we’ll see if the mind-car returns to the souped up hot rod version in the morning, or if it has transformed into a more reliable sedan model, as tomorrow I spend the day with my mother and I need a more reliable vehicle with which to maneuver the curves. Wish me luck!

Honk, Honk…

Heart Smiles – MeANderi
http://www.aserenitysanctuary.com/