I knew this is why I keep entering "The Cave." I keep getting
chased down by fear and anger - again and again. I have carried
them all my life, in different forms, and I am exhausted
from carrying them - the weight of darkness. I have tried many
times over the years to lay fear down, to trick it, to manage it,
to numb it, to be aware of it... But awareness of it is not enough.
It must be faced full on - in all its disguises: anxiety, anger,
frustration, and stress. But first, I had to experience the
Silence of Being in "The Cave", to prepare the way to open to
meet Fear, and allow myself to experience it all the way through.
I am not yet "through" the fear, in its myriad forms.
It is an ongoing process.
"The Cave", or "sanctuary" serves several purposes. It provides
the physical space, a room, like a holding space, and, is also the
inner space of deep Silence that is the foundation of seeing with
clarity, for entering into the exploration and investigation of the
hidden shadows of the self in the safety of the deeper space of
Awareness.
The first night that I sat with fear in "The Cave", many years ago,
I was amazed that Awareness curiously moved towards it, and
experienced it. Awareness was not afraid of the fear, but was
compassionate towards it. A small opening of light came through.
I began to relax and allow the fear to be, instead of trying to
push it away.
The second night I sat with fear, I became aware that I am
somehow invested in it, an unconscious and habituated response
to life, although I don't understand why or the dynamics of how
that happened. But I realized that there is an unconscious
pattern and a familiarity with fear that makes it hard to
"just let go", as some suggest, despite the pain that creates it.
It is such an ingrained, habituated pattern that in a sense it
has become the default position in my psyche.
In sitting with fear, I became aware that fear is the mind's view
of things. It's the view through the lens of fear that I am
somehow attached to... Something needs to be seen more deeply
here, but at this point, these many years later, I am still blind
to it.
The third night I realized that anxiety traumatizes the body.
Fear is very visceral, releasing all kinds of fear hormones and
bodily symptoms that wear out the body... There was the
understanding, over and again, that fear is triggered by thoughts
believed to be true, to be real, creating this physical trigger -
the body-mind's response to a mental state of mind - a biological
response to the mind's view. The body-mind mechanism
automatically defaults to anxiety with its resulting physical
felt experience of trauma. Even the *thought* of facing the fear
creates fear. It is so uncomfortable physically that it is hard to
face this construct of fear without spiraling into panic.
And I realized - once again - that despite many "awakenings",
much of the time my life is still fear driven by this underground
electrical current - short circuiting everything in its path.
Anxiety has become an entrapment, a prison - a private self-torture
of and by the mind...
I have seen all these insights before and yet there is still "fearing",
even now as each new life experience arises.
What is the remedy I asked:
These words emerged from within, from the Deep Silence:
Follow the Fear. Let it take you deeper. Deeply attend to it.
Explore the tendrils of it. Allow yourself to *fully* experience it.
Watch how it plays itself out: where it goes, what it tells you,
where it leads the mind and body. Trust where it takes you.
Mystic Meandering
originally written 2010
updated 2024
~*~
"In order to transform our fears
we must be willing to enter the cave
of the Blue Dragon.
There we come face to face
with our despair
and all aspects of the mind...
Standing at the mouth of the cave
of the Blue Dragon
and yelling 'I'm not afraid'
is not the same as entering it
with compassion for who (what)
we will find."
"It takes exhaustion to stop running...
to surrender and be led within
deeper and deeper into the journey,
the dazzling, dark journey into ourselves..."
~
Photo - Mystic Meandering
a sheet of scrapbooking paper
color digitally inverted
