At the Core of Being - A Rose...

Rosette Nebula - From: The Invisible Universe
by David Malin - copyright 1999

At the very Core of our Being
there is complete stillness,
a dynamic

Stillness
of Being
~
Just Being

There is utter awareness

of all life, all existence,
not *as* form,
but
the felt sense of the
ISness of Being ~
of Life

~
 Living

In the Silence of
this dynamic Stillness

one is aware of

 the cocooning hush
of The Mystery,
of Primordial Existence

that holds the unmanifest
in the comfort of
 Its Womb
before its birth
into
form

@

In this Stillness

the rhythmic breath
of the Cosmos
pulses like
 waves

<<>>

The originating cosmic energies
of an Alive Cosmos
generate themselves
into Existence
spiraling outward
from the
 Core ~

Like a stellar rose
that gives birth to itself
through spiraling open its petals,
 blossoming
into
time
and
space

*

All Existence is at
the Core of our Being ~
In every atom, every cell…

We are the living Cosmos…

~*~

Existence lives ItSelf,
in a perpetual unfoling of Life ~
The Core of Being birthing ItSelf
in and *as* us ~

The umanifest manifesting
the formless into form ~

At the Core of Being
 there is only

Aliveness

Stillness

Silence
Peace
Love

Life

It is who we are…

~*~

Namaste

Mystic Meandering

Meditative Writings

Feb. 12, 2015

~*~



"As a poet.....I can only gaze at the Universe
In its full, true form,
at the millions of stars
in the sky
carrying their huge harmonious
beauty -
Never breaking their rhythm,
or losing their tune.
Never deranged.
And never stumbling...

I can only gaze and see
in the sky,
the spreading layers
of a vast, radiant,
petaled rose..."

Rabindranath Tagore
from: "The Sickbed"

~*~

Breakthrough - Acceptance and Awareness...

I’ve been hidden behind a cloud of depression the last couple of weeks.  Dealing with an aging body that doesn’t allow me to do the things I once did with ease; dealing with family dysfunction that tends to keep life in constant chaos, like an undertow of unconsciousness pulling me under; and just the challenges of everyday life with its distractions that keep pulling at me – resisting the pull…

Last week I returned to a regular sitting meditation practice that became part of the breakthrough.  Sitting in meditative Silence without agenda, bringing awareness to what is Aware within, is healing.  Not needing life to *go* a certain way, or needing to *do* something about the way life is going; not needing to *react* to life, but resting in the inner space of Silent Awareness.  Unless one has experienced this deep Awareness of Being, it is hard to explain, and sounds rather boring, maybe even anxiety provoking to sit in the space of Silence.  But it does make a difference.  You become aware of an aliveness in the Silence that speaks, that has rhythm, that is aware.  A recognition arises that you are that Silence, that Awareness.  And you realize that it is this Pure Awareness/Consciousness – the One Reality - that is living us and what we call “my life.”  I must be reminded of this all the time.  It is the mind that keeps dragging me into the shadows of unawareness and non-acceptance, where I beat myself up.

This morning, as I was waking, the words “accept life” came to me.  Really!? J Where have I heard that before! J  Another breakthrough.  Yes, of course!  I was excited as I began to feel “acceptance” for life welling up within.  The cloud started to lift.   I had in mind that I would get up and do my “normal” routine, then meditate, start a mandala, read, do laundry, and maybe do the budget – with acceptance of course - maybe.  Instead, I was distracted by a rather lengthy conversation with my husband, reading inspiring blogs, and unexpectedly wrote this blog post!  I did eventually sit in silent meditation late in the afternoon. J But the day unfolded completely different than I had anticipated.  The mind said: “I should have done such and such…”  Acceptance said, all is as it should be.   

Acceptance is not new, of course.  This is what most great Spiritualities teach – Acceptance and Awareness – the keys to living freely and peacefully…   In seeing life as a distraction, or only seeing the distractions in life that keep *me* from what I *think* I really want, anger and frustration arise - daily, which led to depression (anger turned inwards).  I was identifying with the small disgruntled, unhappy “me”, unaware of the Spacious Awareness of Being that accepts life as it is in a fluid dance of living.  I had forgotten how to dance with life.  It seems for me to be an ongoing process of revelation.

In becoming aware and accepting there was a sense of release and freedom, a sense of anticipation, not expectation, about life without dread of what the day would bring. In Meditative Silence one begins to see life more holistically; that life just is the way it is.  From the space of meditative Awareness there is acceptance and allowing for everything – including depression – that needs to be brought into daily living.  And, I am once again reminded that it’s how we *see* life that makes the difference - the perception.  That too is a key to staying open and aware to what life offers us.

“Think in ways you never thought before.
If the phone rings, think of it as
carrying a message,
larger than anything you’ve ever heard…

When someone knocks on the door,
think that he’s about to give you
something large:
tell you you’re forgiven,
or that it’s not necessary to work all the time,
or that it’s been decided that
if you lie down
no one will die…”

Robert Bly
excerpt from Morning Poems

Via – Love Is a Place

Who’s knocking at your door?
What message is life bringing you
disguised as a distraction, as depression,
as frustration?

You might be surprised!
Knock, Knock… J

Shifted View...

Have you ever been in a place emotionally and didn’t realize till *after* you left that place that you had even been there?  Well, that’s where I’ve been. 

It wasn’t till Friday evening that I experienced a “shift” that I realized I had been experiencing a kind of underground depression – which is not new to me.  She visits often, but this time was more subtle.   Hidden, it becomes what feels like a natural way of seeing reality.  I don’t know why the shift happened, as I wasn’t trying to *do* anything about where I was because I didn’t realize I was there.  She had numbed me.  Oh I felt a certain sadness and tiredness of life, a melancholy, a dullness, but really didn’t think of it as “depression” – until the shift, when my view of reality changed dramatically. 

Today was one of those brown, overcast winter days – kinda like I’ve been feeling for weeks until yesterday. J  DH and I went out for a walk, and I snapped a couple of photos along the way.  I thought it would be fun to post the shots as they actually were – with a quote/poem underneath - and then the photo that I “shifted” with the Invert function on Adobe Fireworks, giving an almost magical view of “reality ” – to me anyway - like a magical forest… J   Representing a change of perspective…

 “Life is a huge, urgent invitation.

It is so easy to lose your way -
to end up respectable,
trusted and admirably
fulfilling your role.

Yet the whole time you could be suffocating inside
and no one sees it.

Stagnation is the status quo.
All things seem blurred in this half-sleep.

The air is poor in limbo:

grey is the one color there.
Boredom and indifference conspire to keep
the anxiety buried.

Perhaps it is time to leave limbo.
To awaken;
to really come alive…”

John O’Donohue

Christian Theologian

***

 “Despite illness of body or mind,

in spite of blinding despair
or habitual belief,
who you are is whole.

Let nothing separate you from the Truth.
The soul, illumined from within,
longs to be known…

Undying, untouched by fire,
or the storms of life,
there is a place inside
where stillness and abiding peace reside.
You can ride the breath to go there.

Despite doubt or hopeless turns of mind,
you are not broken.
Spirit surrounds,
embraces,
fills you from the inside out.

Release everything
that isn’t your true nature.
What’s left?
the fullness of light…”

Danna Faulds
Yoga Practitioner

Back to the Bare Bones...

Lately I’ve been feeling a need to get back to the basics in my “spiritual practice” – back to the bare bones. There is a sense of needing to clear the plate of old paradigms to make way for a clearer way of seeing and being. And - I’ve also been experiencing what I have been calling “depression” off and on for the last few weeks, or as the “Advaitin and contemporary non-dualists” say – depressing is happening… Probably as part of this clearing away…

“Depression” is a strange bedfellow, it can be many things. And I don’t treat this lightly. Sometimes I know her as melancholy, sometimes as heartache, and sometimes an overwhelming oppressive wave of molasses that pulls me under. I never know when she’s going to arrive, or in what costume, or when she’ll leave, nor specifically what it is about. Mostly it’s just kind of this nebulous feeling of deep sadness and longing in the heart. It shows up unexpectedly and stays a while, much like the other feelings that just show up – but I don’t notice them so much when it’s joy or happiness – only the “troubling” ones stand out and grab my attention. When I feel joy or happiness, or peace, I don’t think. Gee this is odd, I must do something about this! No, I am delighted that they came to call and think all must be right with the world or with myself *because* I *feel* “happy”… They reinforce the illusion that this personal “me” has done something “right” and is therefore happy – and therefore I feel the pressure to always be “happy“, to be optimistic – to get rid of “depression” so I can live up to my “happiness” , and start to believe I *deserve* to be “happy” all the time. When the Buddha said that the goal of life is to be “happy” I don’t believe he was talking about head over heels in love kind of happy, but internal “contentment” with life, which is a state of Being that never changes – that doesn’t come and go…

But – depression - well, it comes and goes – like all the other feelings do. It makes “me” (this little me) feel all wrong with the world and myself – unhappy, alone, sad. It’s quite dense actually – like a heavy hand gripping the heart with a pressing pressure – causing a heartache. But what is this heart aching *for*? You’d think with my husband’s new job there would be a sense of peace, optimism, even happiness. But no, a heaviness of heart pulls me deeply inward like a weight… I suspect it has something more to do with an internal orientation to life and being, than the externals of life circumstances – although that’s some of it too - clearing the underbrush of some heavy emotional burdens and beliefs that I’ve been unconsciously carrying for so many years around our life circumstances… And just maybe my husband’s recent return to work allowed all this to emerge…

“Non-dualisms” didn’t work - like: “There is no one here to be depressed.” Okay - so then why am “i” depressing, “i” asked my Self. Or - “i” do not exist – according to non-dualists - so how could “i” be depressed? So “*who* is depressed” then, who is depressing? Non-dual conundrums that keep me in my mind. Ahhh - maybe it is the mind, I thought… So I tried to convince the mind that it was only its thoughts, its beliefs, it stories that were causing this depressing feeling. The mind bought it for a while and then went back to its job – “depressing” – pulling me more deeply in… Even though I *know* intellectually that it is the *personality* of the mind that depresses, and that behind the little me-self personality that feels empty, full of insecurities, doubts, and depression is the Truth – the bare bones Truth of authentic Beingness that we are at the core… But the intellectual knowing didn’t help either… It has to be deeply *known* at the core…

So I sat, journal in hand, as is my style, and said – okay – here I am – show me who you are, show me where you want to go. I followed her inwardly, to see what she would reveal. I saw that she was a thread that ran all the way through my life that I hadn’t seen before– well more that I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge before. She was a golden river that ran through every phase and chapter of my life that held a familiar deep longing in the heart at every turn and bend – a longing for the Truth, somehow misconstrued as “depression”... Interesting that it was golden, not something dark and sinister…. There was no monster lurking under the surface. She took me down the rabbit hole, in a good way, allowing me to come face to face with my delusions… She helped me to see that my life has been a fantasy of distorted characters, stories and feelings that I have become attached to, and have gotten lost in, confused between what is Real and what is fantasy. I recognized that I had identified with the *feeling*, with the *personality* who *feels* depressed, empty, lost, wounded, separate from ones true identity.

Following the thread, I realized that “depression” was really my Heart calling. It was an invitation to follow the lifeline of the feeling all the way back to the Truth that lies beyond the feeling - all the way back to the bare bones Truth at the Heart of Being; which does not mean that by seeing this that “depression” left. Oh no. She’s still a companion, shadowing me on the road here. But it was seen that she’s not who I am. I had mis-identified myself *as* the shadow. In truth, she is a thread of love clearing an opening in my heart, calling me back to a direct encounter with the bare bones Truth…

Dumpster Diving

This past week I have been “dumpster diving” – meaning: I have once again taken a rather deep dive into the messy, stinky feelings and emotions composting just underneath the surface. And the winners are: Anger and Depression… And the award is – Chocolate - lots and lots of chocolate! :)

I am allowing myself to intimately *experience* these old friends this week, chocolate smeared all over my face – just allowing them to be present here without trying to cover them over with a sweet veneer of “spirituality.” No, just a sweet veneer of chocolate! Same difference really. Whether we use chocolate or beliefs, sweets or spirituality to hide behind, or stuff our feelings – they are still there until we are willing to sit with them, to be present to them, to see them, to *allow* them and give these hungry ghosts their voices back. They just want to be heard, recognized and acknowledged. And no amount of spiritual platitudes, or chocolate, will assuage their need to be *felt.* So - I have been into the dumpster – feeling around for what’s there. And there they were – pain, deep sadness, grief and a bit of anxiety - the companions of Anger and Depression.

Somewhere on the “spiritual path” I have gotten the idea that we’re not supposed to feel the so-called “bad” feelings. Instead we are supposed to rise above them and be “spiritual” about it all, or cover them over with gratitude, rather than living *intimately* with the *actuality* of our life experience – which involves feeling. We *believe* the thought that we are somehow not “awake”, not “resting in awareness” or not being “present in the moment” if we are experiencing the more intense feelings. Because we *believe* this, we try to “get rid of” these unseemly, unwanted visitors. Believe me, I’ve tried… It hasn’t worked…

This week I initially tried various things to distract and divert the flow of feeling. I emailed a friend to distract myself and discovered he was basically in the same place, so we offered each other what we could and moved on – not wallowing in each other’s pain. Then “Nannuk” from the North showed up on Weds wanting to play, which I thought was the end of it – but she didn’t offer a way through, and the visitors returned. Then Friday I had a previously scheduled visit with another friend, which I decided to keep. I was not intending to discuss my “visitors”, just intending to be present, in the moment – but it leaked out. These things are sometimes hard to hide. My friend assumed the teacher/counselor role and began offering prescriptive platitudes, not heart presence, trying to guide me to where *he* thought I needed to be. I felt myself retract. I’ve done some process art as well, which was delightful – in the moment creativity. Even time in Stillness. But still – the dive has deepened.

This morning I awoke feeling the same deep sadness again – automatically. There was no thought prior to it, at least not that I was aware of. It was just there, present, waiting for me to arise – like a dog waiting by the bedside wanting to be taken out for a walk… As my husband leaned over the edge of the bed for our morning hugs, he said: “Maybe the day will reveal something…” There was the opening. My heart picked up with a sense of discovery about what the day might reveal. It was like Nannuk had arisen within again – the pioneering spirit, wanting to go on an excursion to see what was out there waiting to be discovered… Wanting to be awake and aware with these visitors, not wallowing in them, I was willing to see what would be revealed – if anything.

So, with a sense of discovery, we headed out to the foothills for some fresh air and time in nature, stopping by a little café on the way back for some tea and, of course, chocolate :). Except for a hawk swooping in the sky, nothing in particular revealed itself. I could still feel the sadness within me like a dense cloud wrapped around my heart. My husband reminded me – the day is not over yet. And so it is. The discovery is not over yet. The dive is not over yet. There are no quick fixes, no magic bullets. Clarity comes and goes. There is, evidently, still some gift waiting to be discovered in the dumpster.

The only thing I have discovered, so far, is something that I’ve really known all along - that being present to these feelings is about giving them space, tending to them like small children, speaking to them softly and gently, allowing them to be who they are - with kindness and compassion. It’s like knowing that they are there, but not needing to *do* anything about them. You just see them, allow them and wait – patiently aware, embracing them. That’s what Presence does, it sees, it waits, it holds, and allows. Being present with these deeper feelings this week has shown me that Presence is really an orientation towards life itself that is accepting, embracing everything that unexpectedly comes to visit – even if they stay a lot longer than you anticipated - and just being okay with them until they’re ready to leave...

Sometimes the only way out is through…