The Frustration Pane

I look forward to the feel of my left elbow on the windowsill each night, window sitting, leaning into the night – feeling the night air and smelling the night smells – waiting for the entrainment with Silence to begin. The night has become like a close friendship: welcoming, embracing, receiving…

Unfortunately the next door neighbor’s back porch light was on – again. So I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of silence – the sounds of the night.

I became aware of the feeling of frustration in my body. She is a frequent visitor these days. Her presence is like an undercurrent stream in my life. She has been the one throwing stones at the window for several nights now. I have been agitated by her presence, wanting her to go away. But tonight I finally stopped resisting, stopped trying not to see her. I gave in and looked through her window pane.

I asked her what she needs, what she wants, why she is here. There was no immediate answer, just a sense of her presence, and a visceral feeling in my body. The feeling is like something that wants to burst out but can’t. It feels like stuck energy looking for an outlet, like a bottle neck where the energies can’t flow, or water that is dammed up. Frustration is the feeling of being trapped and not being able to find a way out – like a holding in, a holding back, of energies that want to be expressed. There’s a great force behind it, trying to break through. It’s a feeling of being bound... And when I feel her I want to consume food - to suppress her, to soothe her agitation and irritation; to avoid feeling the intense sensation.

As I acknowledged this frustration, however, something relaxed. Feelings just want to be recognized. Feelings just need expression, and to be listened to - like a friend. I know this, although I don’t always pay attention. So I gave it some space, met it as an energy of frustration – not a “me” who is frustrated, or a me who is resisting – but just an energy. I sat with it a while and asked it some questions. And it allowed me in.

The sense was that frustration wants freedom, freedom from constraints, constrictions and limitations; and there are many these days: physical, fiscal and familial.

I then asked: what is your gift – your wisdom?

And without hesitation she answered: “the impetus for change, the impetus for freedom. Follow the frustration.”

So I asked: what is behind the frustration? The answer again came: the drive for freedom, as if I hadn’t heard her the first time. And I wondered, is there an innate drive for freedom in the system we know as “me”: the mind, the feelings, the body? Is it built in so that we move towards freedom in all we do? I tend to believe this is so. It’s what propels us on the path. A friend calls it “the heart’s hunger for unconditional Freedom.” She calls this hunger “the underlying movement of life.” And this frustration feels like a tide within the Ocean constantly pulling at me. She is calling me to change the way I dance with life, the way I engage and interact. She is calling me into a new way of Being.

The feeling of frustration let go on the breeze for the night. I consciously brought my attention to the rhythm of the breath again. I understood that I need to continue to consciously and mindfully pay attention to this tide of frustration when she pulls at me and calls me to Freedom.

~*~

(the picture is from an old card)