Primal Scream

Like so many others these days my husband and I find ourselves at the edge of the abyss. It is the abyss of uncertainty, feeling like we are just re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic that is about to sink into the dark unknown. Lately I have been feeling the weight of life circumstances that keep pulling and pushing me in directions that “I” don’t want to go in, to try to keep from drowning. Resistance to “life as it is” arises quite easily these days and shows up in a whole array of emotions. And I mud wrestle (aka *identify*) with the thoughts, feelings and story that I’m living at this moment, that isn’t going at all the way “I” had in mind. I have been unable to see everything in context, to step back out of the mud, and live from the space of Presence, letting this all blow through – all the things that I know I “should” be able to do, but am not doing. And all previous “awakenings” & awareness appear to be gone. I am back at square one, wondering what happened…

What it feels like inside is a deep primal scream, as if Being/Presence Itself is screaming to be let out, to express, to break through, to fully live Itself. It’s like a deep impulse for Life, something beyond the surface story of the “me” that keeps getting stuck in the mud. And thus this funky little picture that I did a couple of years ago to express this deep internal scream that I was feeling back then. But what can this be? - this primal scream. Is this really the ego resisting, wanting life to be different than it is… Or is this Being – the Essence of Life - rising up from what feels like a deep place of primal existence, feeling suffocated by current life circumstances… I don’t know. Maybe a little of both, and maybe I am deluding myself. Some would say it is the ego, the false self that is creating this, feeling these feelings - the mind-identified state. But WHO is identified? And WHO is mud wrestling here? If it’s really all the Self then WHO is screaming to be free? I don’t know. And that’s part of the humbling of this present life experience, I just don’t know. All I know is what I am experiencing in this moment. And it feels like something bigger, deeper than ego that wants freedom from the constraints, the limitations of life as it is being lived at the moment. And I know that it’s not a matter of what “I” want, but is this *really* what LIFE wants! And WHO is questioning this? Once again, I don’t know… But I know I need to get in touch with whatever “it” is…

Non-duality teachers say that the remedy is to come into present moment awareness, into the NOW of the moment, to live life as it is with radical acceptance, to just rest in Awareness and allow, to not get entangled in it, to not identify with the story, etc. Yes, I know this, and it’s easy to regurgitate these words of the masters, but it still doesn’t explain WHO is screaming from the inside, and what does it *really* want… Often I feel like I am living somebody else’s present moment – being dragged along by life circumstances (like being dragged through the mud behind a run-away horse) that have been *created* by other people that I am supposed to just accept. And so I engage in thinking that this should not be happening and could have been prevented – I know, I know – irrelevant storytelling. And so for me it's not just about “present moment awareness” where “I” (ego) am aware of the surface life events of the present moment – life being lived - but also an inner awareness of what is aware of this moment, an awareness of inner Presence – the ever-present Awake Aware Being that is aware of all this – that is apparently living & experiencing all this, and evidently trying to get my attention – or so I interpret this primal scream.

Admittedly, I have become so preoccupied and numbed by the spirit-killing demands and distractions of chaotic living (I know you can relate :) that I have been on automatic and haven’t been spending much time in Stillness, deeply listening to this Voice that is calling from within. I haven’t been walking my talk, what I know in my Heart to be true… So it seems I am being called to the womb of Stillness again, to listen, to hear, to rediscover the Truth again… For me that is the “remedy” – to return to the space of inner Stillness and just listen to the call, the longing of the Heart – to commune with Stillness (Being/Awareness/Presence) and just ask to be shown the Truth of the situation…

Yo – Mr. Wizard, what’s all this racket going on behind the curtain?

I’ll let you know what I hear… :)