Window "Pain"

After my foray into the “Egoless” Forest, a couple of posts back, with its lush green foliage, it appears that there are still some dragons lurking in the shadows there. Where are those knights when you need them!? And I thought they were here to protect and defend. Ah – but it appears that the lady of the castle must face her own dragons and apparently it is time. No “spiritualizing” of this lingering shadow-self is allowed here in the Egoless forest.

It was inevitable in window sitting that these shadow orphans of the self would come out of hiding from behind the trees to be seen and heard. That’s really all they want, like the rest of us. They are the parts that have been avoided; the parts I’d rather not deal with; the ones that are still hurting, still in pain, still not seeing who they really are. Experiencing our Essential Self more deeply actually opens the window to seeing more deeply all that has been avoided – through seeking enlightenment, through using “spirituality” as a cover to hide behind. Experiencing “True Self” is not the end, it’s the beginning. And each time I experience an “awakening” into this Natural State of Being, it seems a deeper awareness opens up to these hidden aspects that want to be known.

So it appears that I’m going to be exploring these more hidden spaces during “window sitting.” It’s already started. These little gremlins keep throwing rocks at the castle window, trying to get my attention. Which is strange, because the window is open and the screens are on – but I can hear them knocking. :) So I’m getting to reflect on all the ways I am still attached to “me”, especially in relationship. The sign of attachment seems to be the level of anger, frustration and irritation that I still feel in those relationships and with life in general. There is also a noticing that there is still a need for this “me” to defend, argue, correct, to speak out against, to judge – oooo – really? Maybe I don’t want to see this! Too late! I see that I am still playing out the unconscious dramas in relationships with family and my husband. This unconscious drama is like some kind of unspoken language of emotional triggers and reactions – deep neural pathways of pain that are engrained and habitual. I won’t regale you with the details, or go into the personal stories, but having to spend inordinate amounts of time with my family over the last several months has triggered a lot of old habituated patterns and suppressed feelings.

It has been my experience that in this process of awakening, enlightenment, or however one calls it, it is discovered that there is an emotional investment in hanging on to this sense of “me” with its fears, playing prescribed roles. In some unconscious way we seem to get attached to the “me’s” way of seeing – through pain - and therefore get emotionally invested in hanging onto our pain; to *not* seeing who we really are, because it’s too threatening to the ego. We cling to this suffering “me’s” way of seeing because there is a pay-off somehow. We get to stay stuck – and complain about it. We get to avoid what we don’t want to see and hide within this phantom “me.” We get to stay identified with the “me” that we believe we are - tenaciously hanging on to our sense of me that doesn’t *want* to see who it *really* IS, and doesn’t want to give up its role – causing suffering.

So I continue window sitting, curiously pulling back the curtain and seeing through the window “pains” – the places where pain still lives – not wallowing in pain mind you, not fixated on it, but allowing the resident orphans their say and meeting them with deep compassion and presence – welcoming them Home.

~*~

I did this picture back in 1991 as part of an “Inner Child” exercise.

She is the vulnerable child, in hiding.

~*~

PS: This does not mean that all my posts from now on will be about
"pain" or the shadow self.
I will continue to write about whatever shows up at the window...