The Broken Can Blossom - Sarah Carlson

My gaze drifts out
the kitchen window
as I ponder an issue
I have been grappling with
for quite some time.
My body is a bit tense,
but my eyes are soft
as my focus is actually within.
Slowly, ever so slowly,
my attention is captured
by a plant on the windowsill.
Not just any plant, though.
An orchid that had been cherished
by my mother
and hasn't bloomed since
her death almost two years ago.
There's a stem with several buds
and a branch, almost fully separated,
that bends around the back of the pot.
I turn it slowly,
breathe in deeply
as my eyes focus
on a blossom that had been
quietly seeking the sun
without my knowing.
A slow smile extends
throughout my being.
Ah yes,
the broken can blossom.
And when they do,
there is beauty that is
intricate and profound
and deeply genuine.
What a gift for all
who choose to see.

Sarah Carlson
Meanderings of the Heart

Posted with permission from the author

Photo by Sarah Carlson

 

Weight Shift - Ram Dass

If we can imagine a wheel whose rim is the cycle of births and deaths,
all of the 'stuff' of life, conditioned reality, and whose center is
perfect flow, formless no-mind, the Source, we've got one foot with
most of our weight on the circumference of the wheel, and one foot
tentatively at the center.

That's the beginning of awakening.  And we come in, and we sit and
meditate, and suddenly there's a moment when we feel the perfection
of our Being and our connection.  Then our weight goes back on the
outside of the wheel. Over and over and over, this happens.

Slowly, slowly the weight shifts.  Then the weight shifts just enough
so that there is a slight predominance on the center of the wheel, and
we find that we naturally just want to sit down and be quiet, that we
don't have to say , "I've got to meditate now," or "I've got to read a
holy book." or "I've got to turn off the television set," or "I've got to
do... anything."  It doesn't become that kind of discipline anymore.
The balance has shifted.

And we keep allowing our lives to become more and more simple,
more and more harmonious.  And less and less are we grasping at
this or pushing that away...

[We are no longer trying to make anything happen.]

Ram Dass

[brackets mine]

~

Photo - digitalized Mandala Art

2013

Simply Seeing - Meister Eckhart

The eye with which I see God is the same eye with which
God sees me; my eye and God's eye are one eye,
one seeing, one knowing and one love...

Meister Eckhart

~

Photo - picture of an Amaryllis bloom radially blurred
forming the eye in the center...

Take a Lesson from the Cosmos...

Take a lesson from the Universe, learn from the ways of the Cosmos.  If you look at it, really see it, it’s all about ever-expanding Awareness.  There’s no “closure”, no convergent anything.  It’s all divergent, synchronous energy, ever-expanding, ever aware.  It’s an organic energy that wants to be expressed.  What’s in us is the same energy of the Universe that wants to be expressed.  All we need do is – become aware - of the energy of Awareness that IS the Universe/Cosmos, in us…

There is Dissonance *and* Harmony.  The synthesis of Dissonance and Harmony creates the experience, not static energy, not either/or concepts.  The totality of the experience *includes* both –  duality and non-duality, sadness and joy, light and dark.  They are just energetic experiences.  Essentially they are one movement, one rhythm, functioning synchronistically.

My husband J

Photo - Moon, Jupiter and Venus June/July 2015

Reflections - Alzheimer's

Our time visiting with B’s mother last weekend was poignant.  It went much better than expected.  We had been told by family members that she was unable to see, hear, and was pretty much withdrawn into herself, having been diagnosed with "Alzheimer's."  We were unexpectedly surprised, as she was quite coherent – recognizing both B and me.  “She” was not absent, not blank.  She could see, not well, but well enough to recognize us, and could read large letters on her birthday cards.  She could hear with the aid of her cochlear implant, although it was intermittent.  We soon let go of the imposed label of “Alzheimer's” and just experienced her as she was – engaging with her as she was – not having expectations for how she was supposed to be – either way – coherent or confused.

We had been instructed by family members that it was okay to ask her questions, but we found that barraging her with questions to see what she could remember was unnecessary.  There were many things she remembered. Instead, after an initial barrage of questions, we just sat there with her, quietly, just being present with her, enjoying the silence without expectation of interaction.  B and I sat across from each other while his mother gently rolled back and forth in her wheelchair between us; which I found interesting behavior.    Before long she spoke, saying she had to be in the care center (which she thought was a hospital) until she got “better” (meaning until her broken arm had healed – which it has) but did’t think she would get out of there.  She said she just wanted to go home.   She wanted to know if she could come live with us…  We were told that Alzheimer’s patients do that.  They want to leave (escape) and go “home” – wherever “home” is in their minds.  But we were struck by her question.  It was deliberate and pointed right at B.   She turned away from me as if I wouldn’t hear, and asked: Can I come live with you?  Oh dear… What do you do with that!

It was quite clear from our time with her that although she clearly had diminished capacity, memory, and had moments of confusion – often asking if her mother was going to come to her birthday party, and repeatedly asking us how long we were going to be there, she also was quite *aware* and knew exactly what she did and *didn’t* want.  Had she lost connection with herself?  It didn’t appear so to us.  Her personality was still quite in tact, including mannerisms of speech and nuance of affect that I clearly remember. 

Her birthday party was filled with laughter, as she quipped that she was surprised that she had lived that long, hoping that she would have more birthdays “here” (in the care center).  You could see the pleasure as well as the lostness on her face.  Interesting. 

On our last evening there, after an agitating incident in which I innocently tried to get her to eat her dinner, she told me I should go have dinner and come back later, then closed her eyes and withdrew somewhere into herself, and rapidly rolled her wheelchair back and forth at the table, occasionally peeking to see if I was still there.  I began to wonder if it would be better if I left the room.  This went on for nearly an hour.  They said she was soothing herself with this movement.  But what was she agitated about – was it the loss of control, being directed to eat when she didn’t want to.   She was clearly angry.  Was she not able to handle the emotion, and this was her way of soothing it – like an autistic child?  Who can say…

Later, we each went to her to tell her that we were leaving.  When it came my turn, I was tentative as I bent down, looked in her eyes and said I was leaving.  With sad eyes she said, you’re leaving with B aren’t you… as if she had remembered that we were leaving the next day, resigned to the fact of our departure.  Once again I was surprised.  She lifted her hand and placed it on my face as we stared into each other’s eyes.  A poignant moment of connection…  Someone is still “home”…

Photo:
An unfinished mandala,
like an unfinished life…

Comfort in Simple Pleasures...

The simplicity of this piece comforts me,

...as does this contrast here of light, shadow and time...

The next door neighbor's dog came for an unexpected visit yesterday...
She brought unexpected comfort with her inquisitive loving eyes,
asking - are you going to let me in or what...

Reading... Peacefully abiding...

on snowy days like today...

Meditating on keeping the heart open...

and Love...

Simply Being...

with a snowy view today...

and my meditating monk... :)
Reminding me to Abide in and as Silence...
The script in the background says
The Path of the Heart...
(done by a fellow blogger)

Brokenhearted, yet peace abides...

Peace to all...

The Angst of "not good enough..."

Yesterday I woke up with a nagging sense that I was “not good enough.” It was triggered by the *thought* that I may have offended someone. This is an interesting neurotic tendency that I have - *assuming* that what I say may offend, rather than being somehow beneficial - creating yet another story to wrap my mind around. I often wake up in “storyland” before my day even gets started and then start obsessing endlessly, and spend the day trying *not* to obsess. I know some of you can relate to this as well. Crazy creatures we are!

While sitting out under what I now call my “Buddha Tree” :) - the Maple in my backyard – I felt a deep angst, unsettledness, and anxiety about this situation. I felt a core sense of inadequacy, of being flawed, “wrong”, of not being “okay.” And I could see what the spiritual teachers say, that this *feeling* is the root of my suffering, my angst: the sense that who I AM is not “good enough” – although at the level of Pure Being I *know* that is not true.

I have been making my way *slowly* through Tara Brach’s book “Radical Acceptance” - slowly because it is touching a deep nerve. She mentions this core sense of inadequacy which she calls “the trance of unworthiness,” the trance of the separate self, which she says is the “human condition.” Through her descriptions I am experiencing what she means by this and I am beginning to face this deeper pain within… Oh boy! How could I have known that my resolve to sit with Nature meant I would face my deepest neuroses and insecurities! I thought connecting with Nature would bring bliss and delight! :)

So now under the tree I am beginning to face my inner dragons – the ones I’ve been avoiding, the ones who wreak havoc in the Stillness. They want to be released from the dungeons. But if I release them, I rationalize, they might devour “me.” But I think that’s the point – to be devoured until there is nothing left but The Self – The True Nature. Yet, I’d prefer not to go through the fiery furnace, thank you very much! I’d rather believe my delusions of peace and bliss under the “Buddha Tree.” But it seems in agreeing to see what I need to see and hearing what I need to hear I have opened the door to the furnace… And I think “I” am about to be burned: the me-mind with its neurotic patterns, that is. Which is supposed to be a good thing, but I didn’t realize how much pain was actually involved.

This “basic” sense of inadequacy causes my mind to go off on neurotic journeys and tightens my stomach. I feel the urge to act, to free the angst, to find out *if* I have offended, to find out if I’m “okay.” It takes all I have to just sit – to go deeper, to touch my Essential Nature, beyond the mind; to *not* act on my neurotic tendencies and mind-created scenarios; to *not* feel “in control”; to *not* seek validation for this needy persona-self; to just sit and *be*… It was exhausting actually.

This *deep* sense of “wrongness” inside actually surprises me. I thought I had moved past it years ago. It appears it has remained hidden. This, it seems, is the “anxious quiver of being” that Ezra Bayda and Tara Brach and others talk about: This basic sense of flaw, fault, inadequacy, incompetency that underlies most of our actions, needs, wants and sufferings – internal and otherwise. And how insidious this is – this feeling that keeps everything unsettled and becomes the reference point for living!

With the recognition of this core feeling, a deep sense of compassion welled up inside – which also surprised me. And I realized that this compassion was not just for my own experience but for everyone who experiences the same.

And yet – despite this realization, and feeling this momentary deep compassion for the neuroses of mankind, the collective deep pain of inadequacy, I am still not able to completely face it, to see what’s there. So like a turtle I began to recede and hide behind the safety of the persona. In a sense hiding behind the inadequacy, the *belief* in not being good enough; hiding in the anxious quiver of the mind. How very strange…

It’s like we *use* our neuroses to hide, to cover over who we really are. We meet each other on the level of inadequacy, suffering and pain, pretending we don’t know who we really are, afraid to speak from that sense of knowing our True Nature.

As I sat, I asked: what is the “medicine” that is needed here, but received no answer. It was as if I was asking too soon, trying to find the “fix” to avoid the pain, trying to rush a release. It seems I just need to *be* with it, to wait until it’s fully met. So for now the “medicine” is the stillness of simple awareness.

~*~

Grocery Store Wisdom - Noticing

What if all the vegetables in the produce section had eyes? What if they could see? What would they notice? I know, I know – I ask these kinds of silly questions… It’s the mystic in me coming out again… When I was a child I thought I could hear the water singing as it ran through the gutter in the street, after a rain storm. Okay I can hear your eyes rolling now too. :)

Anyway, as I roamed the isles of my 3 grocery store venues today I was waiting for something to pop out at me, something I could go, ah-ha, there it is, the wisdom for today – something profound of course. But all there was, was noticing – simple awareness. And then I got it, that’s the wisdom! It seems it’s a continuation from the post-it note theme from yesterday. I usually get to work with a theme for a while, so it pops up in everything – including the vegetable bin.

And so we’re back to the vegetables with eyes. What if they could see? What would they notice? Would they be saying: Oh, no here comes that goofy lady again. Or, oh no, watch out, here they come, the tomato squeezers, the watermelon thumpers, and cantaloupe sniffers. Yes, I know – two of those are fruits :) Or maybe they’re just aware – not making judgments about what they are “seeing,” or interpreting, or making assumptions, or coming to conclusions – but just *seeing* - just noticing life as it is being lived, without the need to evaluate how it is being lived; the fact that they ended up in the produce section, feeding humans…

Now this doesn’t suggest that we should just turn into seeing vegetables, after all we were given a mind to think with. But there is something about abiding in simple awareness, and just Seeing how things are, that caught my attention today. Not using the mind to interpret what was being seen – making things right or wrong – but just allowing everything to be seen as it is – all flowing together in seemingly different streams of existence, yet somehow flowing in fluidity. You know, like mixing the vegetables together to make a nice salad. Maybe add a loaf of bread, some spaghetti with pasta sauce, a few oriental noodles - a little wine… Somehow it all flows together into a nice experience to be enjoyed – when experienced from simple awareness.

And so this seems to be my “practice” lately – just noticing – just seeing – life as it is. Noticing the obstacles – but not reacting. Noticing the changes – but not reacting. There’s just awareness without the need to react, to make it all into a big story, without trying to control how it flows, or where it goes. It all just flows as it flows. Life being lived in each moment.

By the way, the next time you’re at the grocery store, notice that I’m the goofy looking tomato peaking out over the Cute Cuke and Mr. Potatoe :)

Heart Smiles – MeANderi
www.ASerenitySanctuary.com

Notes to start the week with...

Thought this was a good blog to start the week with. These little notes are posted on a kitchen cabinet door. They bring my awareness to the flow of Life. They are little phrases that came in times of stillness and meditation. It started with just one - the third one down - and then the one above it, and the one on top, and finally the one on the bottom, over a period of several months. When read from the top down they make a simple statement actually – which speaks for itself…

Heart Smiles - MeANderi
http://aserenitysanctuary.com/