"Step away from the story..."

There are phrases that create openings into greater Awareness. “Step away from the story” was one such phrase for me recently. It was said as part of a comment left by a fellow blogger commenting on the issue of drama that has been showing up at my door on regular basis. And for some reason when I read this phrase, something clicked. She said: “I've been working with the phrase ‘drop the content.’ It seems to help me step away from the story machine that feeds the drama and stay with the sensations and whatever emotions the sensations represent.”

Ah-ha – a light bulb went on about how the story machine runs: by focusing on the content and not seeing the *context* of the experience; running with the experience and not being present *to* the experience – allowing myself to be drawn into the machine.

I will admit I keep getting sucked back into the story machine with ongoing family drama issues. It’s taking quite a bit of awareness to remember the Greater Context in which this drama is playing itself out, to remember it’s all just life as it is. Life is story. Life is drama… There is greater awareness that comes in this “stepping away”, in seeing the Context, seeing and experiencing the Spaciousness that these stories appear in…

From a non-dual fellow blogger, to whom I posed the question about story and drama, came this response: “There is indeed no escape from drama, if by the word “drama” we simply refer to the constantly changing appearance of this life where we are all (as it appears) playing our separate parts. There is no escape from THIS, as it IS. There is, in other words, no escape from the appearance of the story of “my life” unfolding, as there exists no “my life” without a “me”, and there exists no “me” without the story/drama of “my life…. The idea that there actually exists a separate someone (“me”) to be walking [away] is intrinsic to the story or drama itself…” Hmmm… light bulb…

As I sat out under the “Buddha Tree” Saturday evening, I heard the sounds of nature, people, and things around me. My *mind* fixated on the sound of a dog barking. It managed to block out all other noise and I just fixated on “dog barking.” It was as if the backdrop in which the sound occurred was lost and all I heard was *noise.* And then judgment about noise, wishing someone would do something about their dog barking noise, disturbing my stillness! Ah! Story! Light bulb again.

So of course it occurred to me that I had become fixated on the story – to the exclusion of anything else. It’s like getting fixated on the clouds in the sky, but not being *aware* of the sky in the background. (Except it’s not really the “background” – it’s the space in which the clouds appear – the Greater Context). And sometimes it’s overcast. All you can see/experience is story, and you have to stay with it until the clouds either move on or dissipate – or – until you become aware that you are focused on the dramas occurring *in* the larger Context – not the larger Context itSelf. Ah-ha….

I know I create stories around life events, about whether it should be happening or not, and how it is affecting me, or disturbing me, or interfering with me, or how it makes me feel. It’s all a story about a separate sense of self *feeling* something about some *thing*; a separate sense of me feeling inadequate, angst, anger, irritated, or overwhelmed about a life event.

Clouds are inevitable. Noise is inevitable. So too it seems are stories and dramas. But they require a willing participant. When I *internally* “step away”, I am able to *see* more clearly that they are just clouds, just stories – just fluff floating through space with no *real* substance. In the spaciousness of the “Greater Context” there is no story. It’s just whatever is happening is happening with no conclusions, no judgments, no dramas about what is happening – just acceptance – “stepping away from the story” and opening to spacious Awareness…

~*~

Habitual Patterns

As I sit here, the duct cleaning man is reaming out all our ducts - quack.:) There is a loud, whirring, rhythmic sound of a large, industrial vacuum and the buzzing sound of the reamer tool as it goes through each of the ducts, as the duct man makes his way through the house – which could last from 5-8 hours. I expected to hear more clanging and banging of metal. But he showed us the whirly-gig tool, and it’s really pliable plastic spirals that spin as he feeds it down through each vent opening.

Another duct cleaning man actually came Thursday morning and within a half hour there was an area wide power outage! What are the chances that THAT would happen on the same day!? More Karma? – just kidding… :) He barely got started unscrewing the register plates. I called the electrical company and got a recording that informed me that the power would be out for 4 hours! You never get to talk to a real person. So the duct cleaning man packed up his things and left, telling me to call the company, explain the situation and reschedule – which I did and here we are.

A young, foreign speaking man from Niger, West Africa arrived this morning at 8:20am. (Niger, not Nigeria). When I first heard his accent I thought maybe it was Caribbean with that stereotypical happy lilting sound that seems to rise in different places than the English language. I have to listen very hard to understand what he’s saying – which means paying attention, acutely listening. My first thought was - he seems knowledgeable enough – like *I* should know! :) So I have to *trust* that he does indeed know what he’s doing. (I was the same way with the previous technician – trying to micro-manage and make sure he knew what he was doing – how laughable.) Besides it’s duct cleaning, not brain surgery. Still, I want everything done thoroughly. The website assures that all technicians are “certified.” So once again it’s – step back and trust.

But the habitual pattern is to become vigilant, anxious, mistrusting, wanting to be on top of things, making *sure* things are done just “right” – once again – like *I* know… It’s the control issue again. My husband, on the other hand, fell asleep in the chair, perfectly content to let things be as they are. Our brains are wired differently evidently. :) There are years and years of engrained, eroded neuronal pathways in my brain that trigger electrical impulses down the same path every time. And so I am feeling *very* uncomfortable in the moment, edgy. My body is feeling the surge of impulses to try to take charge of a situation that I have no control over what-so-ever. Which actually when I think about it, is most of life! So the microcosm reflects the macrocosm, my little world reflects the greater reality… Why do I keep going down those same pathways? Why doesn’t my brain get this? But it’s like I really don’t have any control over that either, unless I do some heavy weight training I guess, trying to re-pattern the pattern… I know, it’s called "mindfulness practice” - bringing awareness to the pattern.

So I am having a cultural experience this morning – as well as what’s beginning to sound like major construction going on in the house – the closer it gets to where I am. I did manage to find out that Sani (?sp – sounds like “sonny”) has lived in the US for 8 years. His wife is here, but his parents and other relatives are back in Africa. And he lived in Nebraska before he moved to Colorado 5 years ago. And he seems like a very happy man. I envy that. Even though many spiritual teachers say that it is our Nature to be happy, for some reason this “true nature happiness” eludes me. Probably because of all those conditioned, neural responses from early childhood that got laid down because I believed that life was dangerous. I believed the *story* that life was dangerous – and the internal beware signs went up. The dream character here is still responding to the externals of life, to the story, to the content of what’s happening – like events, circumstances and their corresponding feelings, body responses, and such, rather than living from the greater *Context* of Reality itself – Consciousness itself. And so in that respect this little event today brings more awareness to that mechanism that is still very alive here. It’s a multi-relational experience really – seeing how everything relates to everything else – and how I relate to it all – and how sometimes I get lost down those ducts – those pathways of habitual patterns…

Heart Smiles…