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Saturday, September 26, 2009

Habitual Patterns

As I sit here, the duct cleaning man is reaming out all our ducts - quack.:) There is a loud, whirring, rhythmic sound of a large, industrial vacuum and the buzzing sound of the reamer tool as it goes through each of the ducts, as the duct man makes his way through the house – which could last from 5-8 hours. I expected to hear more clanging and banging of metal. But he showed us the whirly-gig tool, and it’s really pliable plastic spirals that spin as he feeds it down through each vent opening.

Another duct cleaning man actually came Thursday morning and within a half hour there was an area wide power outage! What are the chances that THAT would happen on the same day!? More Karma? – just kidding… :) He barely got started unscrewing the register plates. I called the electrical company and got a recording that informed me that the power would be out for 4 hours! You never get to talk to a real person. So the duct cleaning man packed up his things and left, telling me to call the company, explain the situation and reschedule – which I did and here we are.

A young, foreign speaking man from Niger, West Africa arrived this morning at 8:20am. (Niger, not Nigeria). When I first heard his accent I thought maybe it was Caribbean with that stereotypical happy lilting sound that seems to rise in different places than the English language. I have to listen very hard to understand what he’s saying – which means paying attention, acutely listening. My first thought was - he seems knowledgeable enough – like *I* should know! :) So I have to *trust* that he does indeed know what he’s doing. (I was the same way with the previous technician – trying to micro-manage and make sure he knew what he was doing – how laughable.) Besides it’s duct cleaning, not brain surgery. Still, I want everything done thoroughly. The website assures that all technicians are “certified.” So once again it’s – step back and trust.

But the habitual pattern is to become vigilant, anxious, mistrusting, wanting to be on top of things, making *sure* things are done just “right” – once again – like *I* know… It’s the control issue again. My husband, on the other hand, fell asleep in the chair, perfectly content to let things be as they are. Our brains are wired differently evidently. :) There are years and years of engrained, eroded neuronal pathways in my brain that trigger electrical impulses down the same path every time. And so I am feeling *very* uncomfortable in the moment, edgy. My body is feeling the surge of impulses to try to take charge of a situation that I have no control over what-so-ever. Which actually when I think about it, is most of life! So the microcosm reflects the macrocosm, my little world reflects the greater reality… Why do I keep going down those same pathways? Why doesn’t my brain get this? But it’s like I really don’t have any control over that either, unless I do some heavy weight training I guess, trying to re-pattern the pattern… I know, it’s called "mindfulness practice” - bringing awareness to the pattern.

So I am having a cultural experience this morning – as well as what’s beginning to sound like major construction going on in the house – the closer it gets to where I am. I did manage to find out that Sani (?sp – sounds like “sonny”) has lived in the US for 8 years. His wife is here, but his parents and other relatives are back in Africa. And he lived in Nebraska before he moved to Colorado 5 years ago. And he seems like a very happy man. I envy that. Even though many spiritual teachers say that it is our Nature to be happy, for some reason this “true nature happiness” eludes me. Probably because of all those conditioned, neural responses from early childhood that got laid down because I believed that life was dangerous. I believed the *story* that life was dangerous – and the internal beware signs went up. The dream character here is still responding to the externals of life, to the story, to the content of what’s happening – like events, circumstances and their corresponding feelings, body responses, and such, rather than living from the greater *Context* of Reality itself – Consciousness itself. And so in that respect this little event today brings more awareness to that mechanism that is still very alive here. It’s a multi-relational experience really – seeing how everything relates to everything else – and how I relate to it all – and how sometimes I get lost down those ducts – those pathways of habitual patterns…

Heart Smiles…

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