Since Yodi’s passing I have been orbiting around to the dark side of the moon – unable to see anything with clarity – struggling – unable to relax into the space of deep Stillness and just listen - and therefore suffering. I know this is the mind caught on sticky paper.
From the dark side of the moon I have been asking to be shown the Truth about the struggle. There hasn't been a clear response. I seemingly slipped just outside the contact zone. Hello – Houston?
This morning I received one of many forwarded emails. It was an article someone had sent me by Adyashanti called, “The Awakened Way”, from his Teachings section, under “Writings” on his website. It reads in part:
“The only thing that will move you… is the same thing that moves a leaf hanging from a tree. It’s simply because the breeze blows that way. So you always know what to do: The breeze blows that way, and that’s the way you go. You don’t ask questions anymore. You don’t evaluate why the breeze is blowing that way because you know that you don’t know why. And you know you can’t know why. There’s never been a leaf anywhere that knows why the wind blows that way on that day at that moment. That breeze changes the orientation of your life, moment to moment to moment, simply because that’s the way life’s moving. And… you have no argument with the way it’s moving because it is the same as you are.Truth never explains why it’s moving that way at that moment. And if you ask, it won’t give any information. It would be like a leaf asking the wind, “Why are you moving that way right now?” The question doesn’t make any sense to the wind.”
What struck me the most was the part that says that the leaf doesn’t ask why it is being blown the way that it is, it just goes the way the wind is blowing it… The leaf doesn’t ask: “Why am I struggling?, as if it were entitled *not* to struggle in the rawness of the winds that blow through.
I shared the above quote with my husband over breakfast. He then repeated a quote to me that he had received, which said: If you surrender to the air, you’ll fly. I was beginning to have an ‘Oh My God’ moment. I remembered an experience that I had had back in 1988!, when we were riding the Cape May Ferry from Lewes, Delaware to Cape May, NJ just for the fun of it. That particular day I had a headache, and was a little hesitant as I also get sea sick. My husband on the other hand was very excited to be out in open water. He chose a position at the bow, facing into the wind, experiencing the ride across the bay. I was in the stern, sitting on a bench facing off the side of the boat, enduring the ride, hoping it would be over soon. (Kind of like I how I “do” life – or how I respond to life.) Several people were in the back with me, feeding the gulls that were flying along side the boat. I watched and noticed that the seagulls just seemed to float along with the boat, as the people threw food in the air. I noticed that without flapping their wings, the gulls were able to keep up with the boat, and catch the food. Without struggle or effort, they were just gliding along. All they had to do was hold their wings open and the air held them. It dawned on me back then that all we have to do is hold ourselves open to life and Life will take us where we need to go! No effort, or complaining, or asking why, just embracing the totality of life experience – the light and dark side of the moon – the struggle as well as the flow. Like the leaf in Adya’s story, just riding the wind.
I so easily forget to open to Life, to ride the wind, and get stuck in the fly paper struggling; stuck in the contraction of the fixated, identified mind – believing my thoughts and emotions. So here I am once again, surrendering to the winds of life, bowing and bending to what is, allowing Life to live me with no agenda, no resistance – quivering and shaking like a Maple leaf. Some experiences are harder than others – like death and the suffering of innocents. And as I discovered, sometimes there are no nice, neatly packaged “answers.” Sometimes you have to live with uncertainty, and just trust, just tac into the wind and ride it, opening full sail to Life, no matter how it appears, allowing it to take you – struggling – and maybe through that discover a new way. And maybe you just sit with the struggle and embrace it until there is no more struggle left… Am sure the wind will show me the way…
Even as I write this I can feel the warm winds of peace beginning to blow through…
Heart Smiles - MeANderi