Opening to the Bare Bones...

I don’t know about anyone else “out there”, but I’ve been feeling rather raw and vulnerable lately; edgy, overly sensitive, ‘self’-conscious – like the comfortable cocoon, the identity that I *think* my “self” to be, is no longer protecting me, leaving me feeling naked and exposed and undefined. Not a comfortable feeling. And in that open rawness this “little self identity” is feeling neurotic and insecure. It may be that I am still in the transition that started several weeks ago when my husband started a new job. It seems that became a culminating point where I can no longer hide in the safety of my cocoon, but am being opened... And as some of you know, that “opening” is occurring because I have been getting in touch with some deeply held feelings and emotions, as I let go of some of the boxes of beliefs that have cocooned me. But what would I do if I really broke free – would I know how to fly… Or rather, if I recognized that I was already free - hmmm – what then…

I think all this rawness and fragility is really about opening to the bare bones Truth - again, opening to the authentic place of Being. It’s the pull of Beingness to deepen into that Beingness (The Natural State of Silent Knowing Awareness), to recognize that more deeply and clearly; that Nameless place of Truth that we all know in our bones, which I realize everyone defines differently, even though it’s all the same, so it’s hard to put into common terms… Some call it abiding in Awareness. It’s the call of Being to recognize oneself *as* That Beingness, *as* pure Awareness Itself, and not the cocoon of “me” – letting the cocoon fall away. And in this “transition”, or metamorphosis if you will, there is a need to find a sense of congruence within, while the outer shell falls away, learning to function more from the inner Truth of the Heart, while the cocoon that keeps that hidden dissolves…

I woke up this morning asking the question: “What is the most important thing to me?” – not meaning a “thing” as in an object – but what *is* most important to me; what do I really want… My mind and body settled with this question. I *knew* the answer to that question immediately. The answer always returns me to the same place, the silent Core of Being, the Spiritual Heart… And I settle. I kept asking this question throughout the morning, and it kept bringing me back to the same place – to the knowing that what was most important is intimately *knowing* the Heart of Being. With this it was as if my orientation shifted.

Since childhood there has been a deep and abiding “longing” in the Heart to *know* “God/Truth”; what I knew to be “God” at that time – which has changed. But the longing has never really gone away, despite many “awakening experiences”, and despite “non-dual awareness” teachings of all kinds. I am willing to admit that now – without fear of reproach – that a “longing” in the Heart means there is still a belief in separation. But this longing for “God/Truth” is not in the external sense, is not for something “out there”, separate from “me”, but there is still this longing for a true knowing of the deep Heart of who/what *really* exists here, and to know that as “Home.”

So I continue to deepen into that Truth, through everyday awareness and the enhanced awareness of meditating, writing down the bones of Truth that are excavated, until there is complete abidance in the space of the Heart of Being, for this *is* what I truly want: to know myself *as* this deep Heart and live from that space. Or, is it really to *recognize* that I already abide there – in the true recognition of non-conceptual, non-dual awareness – that nothing is ever separate from the Source within…

As I kept asking this question – what is the most important thing – I felt the Heart, mind and body coalesce and the body resonate, as if everything resolved within this Spiritual Heart by asking the question. I know when I have found the “right” question because it resonates deeply within. Likewise, when I have found the “right” answer – it deeply resonates within as well.

And so my focus is slowly shifting from distractions, attachments and preoccupations of the shell identity of the “little me” to what’s in the cocoon; to what is most important – the opening of the cocoon to find the Heart of Life. This has always been the most important thing for me – to keep coming back to the spiritual Heart, to the innate, inherent, intimate knowing Awareness within the cocoon. Not something to attain “out there”, but to recognize as right here, always here.

“Stop searching for phrases and chasing after words.
Take the backward step and turn the light inward.
Your body-mind of itself will drop off
and your original face will appear.
If you want to attain just this,
immediately practice just this…”

Dogen


“It’s a spiritual journey germinating
in the depths of being
that gives meaning
and purpose
to living.”

a friend…