A Non-Path Path :) - a meandering...

I am feeling the need to settle deeper into the interior, and 
rediscover a sense of the inner Truth of Myself; not by following
a particular external path - but by intuitively listening to the 
Inner Voice; by spending time in Quietude, and "The Silence"
(which I crave, but so easily avoid by getting distracted on
non-essential things.).

"The Quest" - for me then - is to discover the Deeper Reality of

Myself.  I have forgotten how to be ME!  In a sense, what I was
"designed" for; one could say my Soul's "calling"...   Some call it
the Self (or Higher Self), but I get hung up on those words, because
the big "S" Self is not another self hidden somewhere inside us with
a big S on it that we have to "become"/discover.  But it's the discovery
of, a remembering of, having a felt sense of, the authentic, natural
self, beyond mind, beyond religion, beyond "spirituality."  Who are
 we really?   What is the "Deeper Reality"? I thought maybe I knew, 
but I haven't really met Her - yet...  Hopefully I will find the Deep
Quiet of the Heart, and the Illuminating Light of the Soul.

The path of "Enlightenment"/"Awakening"/"Self-Realization",
particularly what is popularly known as "Non-Duality, wasn't
IT for me, with its attraction to the mind and its abstractions and
mind games. It is just another construct, a belief system.  I found
out that the "Emperor has no clothes!  And I'd rather not describe
Truth by a negative - with no-me, no-self, no other, no world - as
Truth  is all inclusive - including duality, me, self, other, humanity,
and the world.

Even if one follows a "spiritual path" (which can be any path), life
will not suddenly become easy or flowing with bliss, although there
may be little epiphanies and "awakenings" here and there. We won't
necessarily lose our personality with its quirks, and become an
emotionless automaton. We won't lose our conditioning, or our 
neuroses.  Our thoughts will not stop, neither will our surface
struggles, or our pain, or our stories.  Walking "a path" doesn't even
guarantee that we will actually *see* life differently, or suddenly
find our "purpose" - as if there is only one.  But no one tells you
this about "the path."  It has to be a self-discovery, even if we have
a "Teacher", a "Path", or use a "Teaching" to help point the way.

It is different for everyone, of course.  I'm only reflecting on my
own experience here...

Years of seeking, realization, recognition, and then forgetting, and
then seeking again, then remembering, and then forgetting again, etc.,
brought me to the realization that discovering (or rediscovering) the
Essence of who I am is, for me, through awareness of and deep
intimacy with "The Silence" within; through continually coming
back to "The Silence of Source" - the space of Stillness, and
innate Wisdom - which of course is wherever we are at the 
moment, not off in the distance somewhere.  It's not a place.
"The path" doesn't *go* anywhere.  There is no reward at the end.
It's an inner pathless path...  And that's my "path" - again :)
rediscovering the inner Silent Truth of Myself, directly;
experiencing the underlying Rhythm of Existence Itself, and
within that the Truth of Myself...

Mystic Meandering
April 2024

~

Wanderer, your footsteps are the road,
and nothing more;
Wanderer, there is no road.
The road is made by walking...

By walking one makes the road,
and upon glancing behind
one sees the path that will
never be trod again...

Wanderer, there is no road -
only wakes upon the sea..."

Antonio Machado

~

Empty yourself of everything.
Let the mind rest in peace.
The ten thousand things rise and fall
while the [inner] self watches their return.
They grow and flourish and then
return to the source.
Returning to the source is stillness,
which is the way of nature...

Returning is the motion of the Tao.

Lao Tzu

~~

Photo - Mystic Meandering
taken at the Denver Botanical Gardens

 

A Meanderer's Way - a meandering...

Ever since I was a child I wanted to know God - a child's
understanding of a "religious" God, of course. I had a love
affair with Jesus, believing he would bring me to "God."
Then, as an adult, my search evolved and expanded to include
finding "myself", whoever she was/is :)  Then the search for
 Truth, Wisdom and Enlightenment - through Metaphysics,
Buddhism ( I was enamored with The Buddha, not Buddhism,
although there were many gems there that I have retained),
Advaita and Non-Duality, and Hinduism/Kashmir Shaivism.
with its many deities for all occasions. :)
I mean, what more could there be, right? 
While each had their own unique "Way", they
were really all the same "path," under different disguises,
with different emphases.

And now through all my many meanderings, I am feeling the
need to settle in, deepen into the Depths within myself and see
what's there; not by following yet another particular external
"spiritual" path - but listening deeply to the Inner promptings
 and opening to the Inner animating Life Energies, by spending
 time in the Great Silence - which has been difficult to do lately...

Being on a "spiritual path" has always felt like I was intentionally
going SOMEwhere, seeking "Some-thing" that I would find at
the "end" of my journey; like retirement after a life of working;
or the magical pot of gold at the end of the mythical rainbow; or
even the mystical "Holy Grail."   Or maybe even seeking an
"end" to suffering, pain, ignorance, my humanness, as I turned
 into  "Light" :), or even the end of seeking.  

But what if there is no such "path", no need for seeking the
 illusive big "S"-self that non-duality spiritual seekers are seeking? 
 I discovered for myself there isn't a big "S" "spiritual"-Self that
"we" become.  There is no other "Self" to "find/become." 
There's just our "Natural Self" or Essence that wants to be
discovered, recognized, known; that is playful, creative,
expressive and free...

The path of "Enlightenment"/"Awakening"/"Self-Realization"
(popularly known as "Non-Duality"), is much like all the other
paths I have taken throughout my life.  It's just another construct. 
 I found that the Emperor has no clothes!  And I'd rather not
describe  "Truth" by a negative - with no-me, no-self-, no-other,
no-world - as "Truth" is all inclusive - including duality, me, self,
 other, and world.

Even if one follows "a path" there is no guarantee that we will
discover what we are looking for, and life will not suddenly 
become easy or flowing with bliss.  We won't necessarily lose
 our personality with its quirks, our conditioning, or our neuroses.
The "ego" doesn't die! - gasp...  It's all part of the package, our
uniqueness.  Ego is an interface with the Natural Self/Essence.

Our thoughts will not stop, neither will our surface struggles, or
our pain, or our stories.  Walking "a path" doesn't even guarantee
that we will actually see life differently from either the mountain-
top, or with nose to the ground; or suddenly find our "purpose" -
 as if there was only one.  But no one tells us this about "the path.
  It has to be discovered for ourselves - even if we have a "Teacher",
or use a "Teaching" to point the way...  We still have to travel
our own unique way...

Years of seeking, realization, and recognition brought me to an old
realization that rediscovering the Essence of who I am, the Natural
Self within a Divine Cosmology, is through awareness of and deep
intimacy with the Great Silence within; (the 4th "key" that I found
on the way, although should probably be the first) through
continually coming back to the space of Silent, Still, Innate Knowing -
which of course is wherever we are, not off in the distance somewhere
It's not a place.  "The path" doesn't go anywhere.  There is no 
reward at the end.  It's an inner pathless path...  And that's the "path"
that I keep returning to :) - rediscovering this deep inner Silence
again and again - remembering the underlying Rhythm of the 
Cosmos ItSelf - humming in and through me...

Ommmmmm....

_/\_
Namasate

Mystic Meandering
updated Aug 18, 2023

It's never ending... :)

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

 

Be Still and still moving - T.S. Eliot

Home is where one starts from.  As we grow older
The world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
Of dead and living.  Not the intense moment
Isolated, with no before and after,
But a lifetime burning in every moment
And not the lifetime of one man only
But of old stones that cannot be deciphered.
There is a time for the evening under starlight,
A time for the evening under lamplight
(The evening with the photograph album).
Love is most nearly itself
When here and now cease to matter.

Old men ought to be explorers
Here or there does not matter

We must be still and still moving
Into another intensity
For a further union, a deeper communion
Through the dark cold and the empty desolation,
The wave cry, the wind cry, the vast waters
Of the petrel and the porpoise.
In my end is my beginning.

~  T.S. Eliot

from East Coker - section V

with thanks to The Beauty We Love

~

Photo - created with a visualizer to the sound of music

 

Sacred Fog - Sarah Carlson

As one drops in
and widens,
there can be a sense
of being in a sort of
sacred fog.
There is a softness here.
Though that which
once anchored
has altered,
there is safety, too.
Rhythmic waves
create a gentle harmony
that blends with breath and heart.
Vastness may not be visible,
yet is both discernible
and inclusive.
This sacred fog
can allow for
that which aches or tugs
or threatens
to disperse
as light once more
works its way
around and through
from above.

Sarah Carlson
Meanderings of the Heart

Posted with permission of the author

Sarah is publishing her third book called:
Tender Light Softens,
which includes the above poem.
See her blog: Meanderings of the Heart
for more poems and info about her books.

~

Photo - Sarah Carlson

 

Turning Into The Not-Knowing - Matt Licata

There is a certain death that occurs as part of the healing
process, a part of us unable to survive illumination.  As we
turn the light around, according to one Daoist alchemical
text, a piece of soul will fall away.

While it is tempting to spin out of the uncertainty and
quickly into rebirth, there is wisdom and purity within
the reorganization which we cannot bring into embodied
knowing if we patch it all up prematurely.

The dissolution itself is initiation as it offers vision and
feeling not available in the put-back-together-state.  An
old part of ourselves that has accompanied us for so long,
a fellow traveler is no longer permitted to continue the
journey by our side.  This prior soul-companion can be
another person or it can be a member of the inner family.

Somehow, we're asked to bear witness to the crumbling of
an old dream - my life and the way I was so sure it was
going to turn out.  This is the holy alchemical operation of
putrefactio, a sacred process that is evidence of.....fierce grace.

In order to be initiated, we must slow down, and turn into
the not-knowing.  To take some time to mourn the
reassembling of our world,  to grieve all that we will
inevitably lose as we heal and awaken.

To tend to the pieces of the soul, the shards of the heart,
and the fragments of the psyche that are being rearranged,
to honor the role they have played, for standing by us for
so long, and providing refuge during difficult times.

To lament the loss of their companionship and allow them to
continue into whatever realm is next for them, [and give them]
permission to travel and experience new things.  Even if we
 are unable to "accept" this, we can touch the ground where
 they once were, and bow.

To stand in awe at this process, despite the profound pain and
grief, to care for all of it as we allow the Mystery to reveal
itself in deeper and deeper ways.  To know that healing and
awakening is messy, glorious, and full-spectrum... and is not
only an act of creation, but one of destruction as well.

Matt Licata

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

The Path of the Wounded - Matt Licata

 Many of us on the ["spiritual path"] have been wounded -
physically, emotionally, or at a soul level.  Whether this 
wounding takes form by way of relational trauma, or
through personal betrayal, it has a way of coloring our
perception and affecting our capacity to feel safe.

Our increasingly speedy and fragmented culture has 
pathologized valid human experience, such as grief,
melancholy, anger, and uncertainty, giving rise to a
psychiatric and self-help community determined to
"cure" or "transcend" dimensions of the psyche that
contain important (and even holy) data for our unique
 paths of creativity and meaning.

For some, this occurs only by way of transition, dissolution,
and loss, through an embodied confrontation with the
unconscious and the unlived life.  These experiences are
not signs of error or mistake, but calls to depth and
evidence of how our wounding can serve a function.

At times, deeper "healing" will require that the wound
disclose itself in more subtle ways within the psyche and
the body, where it can seem like things are getting worse.
Tending to this organic unfolding of the healing process
requires newfound levels of courage, patience and trust.

It is not an easy life/path - one that we do not choose
consciously....  It requires that we walk in this world
against the grain and remain open to further wounding
 and revelation of shadow, and dare to consider the
radical possibility that the ally will appear in infinite
ways.  Not to harm, but to reveal.

Even though it may seem as if we are alone - and in
part we must walk this path by ourselves - we are never
truly alone, as unseen helpers, friends, and companions
are always nearby...

Matt Licata, Ph.D.

From the Path of the Wounded Healer

~

The wound is the place where the light gets in.

Rumi

~

Photo taken by my brother

Holy Helpers - Donna Iona Drozda

There is a deeper realm, there is an unseen world.
There is for each one of us.....unseen Holy Helpers
and Inner Guides - Mighty Companions...

...be still

See what arises to meet you when you listen with your
inner ears and see with your inner eyes.  See what
happens when you lift above the fray...

There is an aliveness, an alive world rich in beauty
flowering below the surface and beyond the horizon...
There is a softer, subtle music playing...

Donna Iona Drozda
Artist and Life Coach

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

Patience - Walker and Lamb

Have patience:
What life so rudely strips away
May soon reveal a deeper current
of life and love that lies
beneath.

Diane Walker

~

Patience isn't the denial of anything,
but the willingness to be
with everything.

Jasmine Lamb
All Is Listening

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

Thirst Listens - Fred LaMotte & Rumi

At dawn, raindrops
in dogwood blossoms,
a thrush among alders,
the plaintive yelp of seals
from the rocks over still water,
almost as if they call
from deep inside
over the mythic sea
your ancestors crossed
to bring your bones
to this shore...

Now, for certain, you hear
the deepening silence
between all voices
born and unborn.
Drink of this.
A well makes no sound.
Yet you are beckoned
and approach
because your heart
is an empty pail,
and thirst listens.

Fred LaMotte
original title: "Hearing"

Uradiance

~

Yearn for more
...don't linger in any spiritual benefit
you have gained,
but yearn for more,
like one suffering from illness
whose thirst for water is
never quenched.

Rumi

~

I have been an [explorer] and still am.
But I stopped asking the books and the stars.
I started listening to the teachings of my own soul.

Rumi

Life is an Invitation - Misc.

To Love is to be vulnerably open
to everything as it is;
to chose to stay open
to life as it is...
to open to the Ineffable Love
that holds
existence...

Mystic Meandering
Journal Notes - 2012

Life is the art of drawing without an eraser;
erasing any of it would destroy
the total experience...

(a friend)

Every experience of life is an invitation
to awaken into an Awareness
of the
essential nature of Reality -
and who we really are...

Metta Zetty

(can you see the eyes in the window reflection
just under the leaves, looking down? :)

...you have forgotten
again and again
where you come from,
where you are meant to return...

Return...

Drop the distractions
and head home.
The door is open

Go in...

Deeper and deeper
inward...

...take refuge there...

This is not a time
of sorrow,
but of gratitude...

Mirabai Starr
excerpt from: Extravagant Stillness

"Here" Is Your Heart - Papaji

"Enlightenment" is not about words
and thoughts and concepts
which can be doubted.
"Enlightenment" is always Here...

By "Here" I don't mean this present space.
Here is somewhere within where the mind cannot reach.
This here is not opposite of "there."
This here is nowhere, it is your Heart.
.....all comes back to the Heart.
All the cosmos is but a speck in your Heart.

Turn your mind over into this "Here"...
You have to take the last half-step
from Peace-Awareness-Bliss
and go deeper,
into the Mystery beyond...
Then - only Love remains...

Papaji
From: The Truth Is

Be The Energy - Danna Faulds

That’s how you came here,
like a star without a name…
Rumi ~

Be The Energy

Trust the energy that courses
through you. Trust – then take
surrender even deeper.
Be the energy.

Don’t push anything away.
Follow each sensation back to
its source and focus your awareness
there.

Be the ecstasy…

Be unafraid of consummate wonder.
Emerge so new, so vulnerable,
that you don’t know
who you are.

Be the energy,
and paradoxically,
be at peace.
Dare to be your own illumination,

And blaze a trail across
the clear night sky…..

Danna Faulds

From: Prayers to the Infinite

Copyright 2004
No website found

Opening to the Bare Bones...

I don’t know about anyone else “out there”, but I’ve been feeling rather raw and vulnerable lately; edgy, overly sensitive, ‘self’-conscious – like the comfortable cocoon, the identity that I *think* my “self” to be, is no longer protecting me, leaving me feeling naked and exposed and undefined. Not a comfortable feeling. And in that open rawness this “little self identity” is feeling neurotic and insecure. It may be that I am still in the transition that started several weeks ago when my husband started a new job. It seems that became a culminating point where I can no longer hide in the safety of my cocoon, but am being opened... And as some of you know, that “opening” is occurring because I have been getting in touch with some deeply held feelings and emotions, as I let go of some of the boxes of beliefs that have cocooned me. But what would I do if I really broke free – would I know how to fly… Or rather, if I recognized that I was already free - hmmm – what then…

I think all this rawness and fragility is really about opening to the bare bones Truth - again, opening to the authentic place of Being. It’s the pull of Beingness to deepen into that Beingness (The Natural State of Silent Knowing Awareness), to recognize that more deeply and clearly; that Nameless place of Truth that we all know in our bones, which I realize everyone defines differently, even though it’s all the same, so it’s hard to put into common terms… Some call it abiding in Awareness. It’s the call of Being to recognize oneself *as* That Beingness, *as* pure Awareness Itself, and not the cocoon of “me” – letting the cocoon fall away. And in this “transition”, or metamorphosis if you will, there is a need to find a sense of congruence within, while the outer shell falls away, learning to function more from the inner Truth of the Heart, while the cocoon that keeps that hidden dissolves…

I woke up this morning asking the question: “What is the most important thing to me?” – not meaning a “thing” as in an object – but what *is* most important to me; what do I really want… My mind and body settled with this question. I *knew* the answer to that question immediately. The answer always returns me to the same place, the silent Core of Being, the Spiritual Heart… And I settle. I kept asking this question throughout the morning, and it kept bringing me back to the same place – to the knowing that what was most important is intimately *knowing* the Heart of Being. With this it was as if my orientation shifted.

Since childhood there has been a deep and abiding “longing” in the Heart to *know* “God/Truth”; what I knew to be “God” at that time – which has changed. But the longing has never really gone away, despite many “awakening experiences”, and despite “non-dual awareness” teachings of all kinds. I am willing to admit that now – without fear of reproach – that a “longing” in the Heart means there is still a belief in separation. But this longing for “God/Truth” is not in the external sense, is not for something “out there”, separate from “me”, but there is still this longing for a true knowing of the deep Heart of who/what *really* exists here, and to know that as “Home.”

So I continue to deepen into that Truth, through everyday awareness and the enhanced awareness of meditating, writing down the bones of Truth that are excavated, until there is complete abidance in the space of the Heart of Being, for this *is* what I truly want: to know myself *as* this deep Heart and live from that space. Or, is it really to *recognize* that I already abide there – in the true recognition of non-conceptual, non-dual awareness – that nothing is ever separate from the Source within…

As I kept asking this question – what is the most important thing – I felt the Heart, mind and body coalesce and the body resonate, as if everything resolved within this Spiritual Heart by asking the question. I know when I have found the “right” question because it resonates deeply within. Likewise, when I have found the “right” answer – it deeply resonates within as well.

And so my focus is slowly shifting from distractions, attachments and preoccupations of the shell identity of the “little me” to what’s in the cocoon; to what is most important – the opening of the cocoon to find the Heart of Life. This has always been the most important thing for me – to keep coming back to the spiritual Heart, to the innate, inherent, intimate knowing Awareness within the cocoon. Not something to attain “out there”, but to recognize as right here, always here.

“Stop searching for phrases and chasing after words.
Take the backward step and turn the light inward.
Your body-mind of itself will drop off
and your original face will appear.
If you want to attain just this,
immediately practice just this…”

Dogen


“It’s a spiritual journey germinating
in the depths of being
that gives meaning
and purpose
to living.”

a friend…

The Somber Tones of Winter...

Sometimes my Heart sings the somber tones
that have lain dormant
needing expression…

An Adagio emerges
as if someone has died;
maybe that someone is “me,”
the false me… the mask of “me”
that keeps falling off,
leaving something more real exposed…

The grief begins
to sing, to play her strings,
feeling the loss.
I have heard her tune before.
I allow her to play her strings,
until she is played out,
listening to her deeply…

I know that
even the Somber tones are
an expression of the One.
There is no separateness,
no good or bad tones,
just the authentic expression
of what Lives here…

The Somber tones and shades are
Life ItSelf,
inviting me to look deeper,
to find the richness that lives within them…

Their song has to be sung as well.
Even they are the Heart’s language of Love,
calling me to more authentic Living...



Mystic Meandering
copyright
January 27, 2011


~*~

Creative Window

I started this collage about a month ago, and finished it before my “window sitting” practice began in early August. Interestingly it reveals another window of seeing, expressing what matters to me most – the whispers of the Heart that call to me - and that evidently wanted to be expressed creatively – in this case through art collage.

After setting the initial pieces of the collage out on plain poster board paper, I decided to dig out a piece of my “Fun Qi Art”™ that I did ages ago with Cray-Pas oil sticks and use that as background. I collected pieces of quotes and pictures from my “collage files” that spoke to me. Particularly there were 3 quotes that resonated. The first one, in the center with ripples around it, is an Emerson quote that became the central theme. It says:

“Our life is an apprenticeship to the truth that around every circle another can be drawn; that there is no end in nature, but every end is a beginning, and under every deep a lower deep opens.”

The second quote, in the right upper figure of a meditator, is from Franz Kafka and says:

“Just become quiet, still, and solitary, and the world will offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”

And the third – the little blurb under the little oval picture of sail boats on the ocean at the bottom - is from someone named Andre Gide that says:

“One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.”

In the finished collage there are themes of imagination, wonder, opening to life, movement, opening and listening to the Heart (and the stars :). There is a strong theme of deepening, and sitting in inner Stillness where Mukti – Freedom – lives – where the “truth” reveals itself – the “truth” about mySelf, the world, and Existence… There is a stargazer, a meditator, and maybe even an adventurer, although I don’t see myself that way. I have a hard time letting go of the shore :) Yet, there it is, the invitation to let go of the shore and discover new lands, new ways of being and seeing… There’s a big ocean curl wave with the words “primordial experience” in the center – symbolizing the pull of the Primordial Womb of Life – the deep Stillness of the inner Heart of Being.

There’s a woman sitting at the edge of the ocean, as viewed through a window (!), with the words: “Days that pass simply and quietly…” Ah yes… another whisper of my Heart – to let go of the complexity that I also create and come, sit and be joyfully still - just BE. And then there’s little picture of a small cabin in the woods, surrounded by water, pines and mountains with a fluid aurora borealis overhead. It found its way into the piece as another whisper calling to me – a call to living simply in Nature.

Underneath all of that are the squiggles of color that in some places appear entangled. At first they spoke to me of chaos, maybe an inner chaos, or a level of chaos underneath that keeps me entangled – as well as the emergence of creativity through chaos, and the presence of Stillness in chaos. Sometimes I also see these colorful, unending, interconnected lines underneath it all representing the thread of Beginnings and Endings that run through life, as well as the unbroken thread of the fluid Rhythm of Beingness that is the ground of all existence.

There are so many ways to look – to see through this creative window that offers a glimpse of what calls to my heart every night through “window sitting”: Imagine, Listen, Deepen, Let Go, Open, Stillness…. Freedom…

~*~