I’ve been
hidden behind a cloud of depression the last couple of weeks. Dealing with an aging body that doesn’t allow
me to do the things I once did with ease; dealing with family dysfunction that
tends to keep life in constant chaos, like an undertow of unconsciousness
pulling me under; and just the challenges of everyday life with its
distractions that keep pulling at me – resisting the pull…
Last week
I returned to a regular sitting meditation practice that became part of the
breakthrough. Sitting in meditative
Silence without agenda, bringing awareness to what is Aware within, is
healing. Not needing life to *go* a
certain way, or needing to *do* something about the way life is going; not
needing to *react* to life, but resting in the inner space of Silent Awareness.
Unless one has experienced this deep
Awareness of Being, it is hard to explain, and sounds rather boring, maybe even
anxiety provoking to sit in the space of Silence. But it does make a difference. You become aware of an aliveness in the
Silence that speaks, that has rhythm, that is aware. A recognition arises that you are that
Silence, that Awareness. And you realize
that it is this Pure Awareness/Consciousness – the One Reality - that is living
us and what we call “my life.” I must be
reminded of this all the time. It is the
mind that keeps dragging me into the shadows of unawareness and non-acceptance,
where I beat myself up.
This
morning, as I was waking, the words “accept life” came to me. Really!? J Where have I heard that before! J
Another breakthrough. Yes, of
course! I was excited as I began to feel
“acceptance” for life welling up within.
The cloud started to lift. I had
in mind that I would get up and do my “normal” routine, then meditate, start a
mandala, read, do laundry, and maybe do the budget – with acceptance of course
- maybe. Instead, I was distracted by a
rather lengthy conversation with my husband, reading inspiring blogs, and
unexpectedly wrote this blog post! I did
eventually sit in silent meditation late in the afternoon. J But the day unfolded completely
different than I had anticipated. The mind
said: “I should have done such and such…”
Acceptance said, all is as it should be.
Acceptance
is not new, of course. This is what most
great Spiritualities teach – Acceptance and Awareness – the keys to living
freely and peacefully… In seeing life
as a distraction, or only seeing the distractions in life that keep *me* from
what I *think* I really want, anger and frustration arise - daily, which led to
depression (anger turned inwards). I was
identifying with the small disgruntled, unhappy “me”, unaware of the Spacious
Awareness of Being that accepts life as it is in a fluid dance of living. I had forgotten how to dance with life. It seems for me to be an ongoing process of
revelation.
In
becoming aware and accepting there was a sense of release and freedom, a sense
of anticipation, not expectation, about life without dread of what the day
would bring. In Meditative Silence one begins to see life more holistically;
that life just is the way it is. From
the space of meditative Awareness there is acceptance and allowing for everything
– including depression – that needs to be brought into daily living. And, I am once again reminded that it’s how
we *see* life that makes the difference - the perception. That too is a key to staying open and aware
to what life offers us.
“Think in ways you never thought
before.
If the phone rings, think of it as
carrying a message,
larger than anything you’ve ever heard…
When someone knocks on the door,
think that he’s about to give you
something large:
tell you you’re forgiven,
or that it’s not necessary to work all the time,
or that it’s been decided that
if you lie down
no one will die…”
Robert Bly
excerpt from Morning Poems
Who’s knocking at your door?
What message is life bringing you
disguised as a distraction, as depression,
as frustration?
You might be surprised!
Knock, Knock… J
