A week ago Friday I took a rather deep dive into the stream of suffering. It was not really intentional, but there I was flailing in a stream of emotional sludge – feeling sorry for myself, feeling victimized by life circumstances, angry, lashing out at the boulders and logs that blocked the flow, blaming, resenting, resisting – feeling crushed by the weight of all this mental and emotional anguishing – and therefore suffering…
I didn’t come up for air until two days after my plunge, when I decided it might be a good idea to tinker under the hood and see what was causing all this suffering. And so last Sunday I sat, I saw and – well not exactly conquered – but had a serious heart to heart with this suffering orphan inside.
I started by asking: How am I creating this suffering? I breathed into the lower dan tien, feeling energy moving down my legs and out my feet. Then I felt the energy move up the back of my spine. That’s when I became aware of how contracted I was. As I breathed I became *aware* of all the places where contraction was being held in the body. By staying with the rhythm of breathing *and* awareness I could feel these places opening up and letting go.
I also suddenly became aware that it was *thought* that had created these contracted areas – this “suffering.” That it is the *belief* in the thoughts that arise, as I have heard many “spiritual teachers” say over the years, but I had to experience it for myself.
For a short while I was able to come back to just awareness and breathing. The thought stream was still strong, stronger than the Oceanic Rhythm of the breath and awareness, but I just kept coming back to the breath and awareness. This seems to be the “remedy” – awareness of the contraction of thought *and* of Awareness Itself: the open space that holds the contraction beyond the thought stream.
It seems so simple – breath and awareness: The Rhythm – bringing the breath and awareness *to* the contractions, allowing them to open up and let go. AND bringing awareness to the Awareness that is there in the middle of it all – the Stillness that is always there bringing release, relaxation, perspective, rest. Yet there is still a contraction felt with each thought that arises, like a stick being stuck into a beautiful sea anemone that floats on a rock at the shore. It contracts, closes up, and then after a period of time it relaxes and opens up again, floating with the movement of the sea. Internally this is what thought feels like to me, like a stick being poked in and a subsequent contraction. And it often feels like I am in a constant thought stream and therefore in a constant *state* of contraction, being bombarded by thoughts. It’s like I can’t *not* think, and at this point I cannot *not* contract – but I can bring awareness to it.
The awareness arose that the contractions harden me off, keep me from experiencing life fully. The spiritual heart is like the anemone. Each contraction of thought around an experience or feeling is like a stick that causes it to close. The realization also arose that bringing awareness to the breath and Awareness – The Rhythm - is not an escape from the thought. It brings more consciousness *to* the contractions of thought. It is a way to meet the contractions, to *see* the suffering in it, as well as the cause of the suffering – the identification with thought. Through awareness and breath the contractions begin to soften, become fluid, and the heart begins to open again – to float in the Oceanic Rhythm of the breath.
Another awareness arose: What arises is thought, just thought, and the contraction around it. Thoughts build on thoughts, creating a stream of suffering – the thought stream. But it’s all just thought. Everything we believe to be true is just thought… Continuous thought *about* events, about people, about life, about experiences (including my dread about “The Season”) is held in the mind like photographs, like a memory album of experiences. And we *believe* these thought pictures and build a whole way of life around them, around contracting around them – entering the stream of suffering.
I became aware that I’ve actually been in this stream of “suffering” for a very long time without ever realizing it, *believing* my thoughts, solidifying a sense of self around the thoughts. I also became aware that through breath and awareness I can actually *look* at these areas of contraction. I can allow myself to actually *see* them and *feel* their pain, their suffering with *affection*, with presence – without contracting around the memory of them.
The wisdom in this experience of “suffering” seems to be not to bypass or resist it – as that only creates more suffering - but to feel the contraction of thought and meet it with the breath of Awareness.
“Suffering” and I had a good visit. “I” understand her a lot better now, although I’m sure I’ll be talking to her again soon…
