Taking Responsibility - Pema Chodron

All activities should be done with the intention of speaking
so that another person can hear you, rather than using words
that cause the barriers to go up and the ears to close.  Everything
you say can further  polarize the situation and convince you
[and others] of how separate you are.  On the other hand,
everything you say and do and think can support your desire
to communicate from the Heart, to move closer and
step out of this myth of isolation and separateness that
 we're all caught in.

...you don't have to get frozen in [language] of
loser or winner,
good guy or bad guy...

We have two alternatives.  Either we hold onto our fixed versions
of reality, or we begin to challenge them, and start dissolving
the barriers that we erect between ourselves and the world.

Pema Chodron
Buddhist Teacher
From: Comfortable with Uncertainty

photo - two pieces of bread that look like faces
facing each other...

~

How We Get There - Fred LaMotte

We wonder why everyone is so stressed.  But many of us would
not know who we are without conflict...

Democrat against Republican, socialist against capitalist,
woman vs man, black vs white, vegan vs omnivore,
the enlightened vs the ignorant...

Maybe the answer is never one side vs the other.  Maybe we could
rest the [conflicted] mind in the Heart. Maybe we could all go meet
in Rumi's field, under the stars, beyond the ideas of right and wrong.
How can we get there?
Listen to the Silence.

Fred LaMotte
Uradiance

~

With great grief for the hatred and violence
in this country...

To feel one's grief is being authentic, allowing
yourself to feel another's grief, the collective grief
of people heartbroken from the trauma of violence. It
softens you, opens the heart and gives you a different lens
with which to see others with a sense of connectedness
and compassion; dissolving the barriers that separate,
allowing a different vision than your own dearly held beliefs
and opinions, whether spiritual or political.  And in that
is a deepening sense of inner peace and equilibrium...

~

2nd photo - the Om (Aum) symbol is a sacred symbol of the
universal name of God (or Ultimate Reality),
Om (Aum) is the ever present "sound"/vibration of
 an already unified Universe, which expresses itself dualistically
in our experience here.
When you are in meditative Silence, listening, you are aware
of it, the Universal Om - the Hum of the Universe.
  It pervades even the chaos,
and every "sound" becomes the sound of OM/Aum singing
the song of the Universe...  Just listen...
One experiences the wholeness of Life,
despite what is happening...
At least that it my experience.

The Wound of Humanity...

I resurrected the "poem" below from my journal notes from 2004, because it is something that keeps arising in our present time again and again.  You can see it on the faces of people who are suffering, physically, mentally, and emotionally - the felt sense of separation from Source - which continues to impact our society and the world...  The words, that I turned into a "poem", came during times of deep meditative Silence, as if from a dear friend who understands so much more than me...  Namaste

The "original wound" of humanity is a
perceived separation from the Essence of Life;
from Source, from Self, God; from our True Nature...

The Cry of Separation is the longing of the wounded heart
for its Origin...

Healing this universal wound is a
healing of the consciousness of separation -
The imagined "split" from the Consciousness of Pure Being
that becomes the shadow-self;
a shadow of the Truth...

This wound of separation is just a consciousness
spawned by the belief in separation.
A belief in separation dominates your existence,
creating a consciousness of
fear and darkness and suffering.

It is only a belief, a consciousness.
It is not real.

It manifests a particular reality of darkness,
a shadow, that you believe to be true.

But the consciousness of darkness, of separation,
is only a thin layer, a thin veil, a covering.
It has no power to sustain itself.
It gives the illusion of power
to seemingly rob you of knowing who You really are;
your inherent Beingness...

Whatever your consciousness/belief is, that is your reality.
You have become caught in the net of separation again, and
again, thinking it is real.
Awaken from this shadow-self.

Recognize and Embrace the Presence of your True Nature,
the Pure untouched Beingness that You are
in the Silence of your True Heart, beyond the wound,
the perpetual Light that cannot be dimmed...

It is the place of un-wounding.
The place of unwinding the wound...
The place of a new reality...

Mystic Meandering
Meditative Writings
2004

_/\_

~

Photo - shadow of a bamboo plant
on the wall making the form of a face...

Holy Wounds - Pesha Joyce Gertler

Finally on my way to [saying] yes [to life]
I bump into
all the places
where I said no...

all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin, my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds

the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and say - holy
holy...

Pesha Joyce Gertler

"The Healing Time"

via: Beyond the Fields We know

Sorry the photo is not clear
it was taken many years ago
with a very old camera,
but I like the colored water :)

Embracing Wholeness...

“The realization of wholeness, or non-separation,
is simply recognizing that wholeness is
the essential state of reality,
regardless  of whether it is being experienced
that way.

The experience of wholeness is temporary
and fleeting,
as is all experience.

But wholeness remains
even though the experience passes.
One retains awareness of the truth of it
even when it is not being experienced…”

The Natural Contemplative

Everything is embraced/held by Pure Consciousness,
including what we experience as “darkness.”

Nothing is excluded,
even the “darkness”
however that manifests
in our minds.

You have to be willing to dance
with the darkness,
which only means that
you are willing to meet it,
to be with it,
and not try to push it away;
not resist it as something
absent of Light,
but seeing that the
darkness
is not the opposite
of Light.

Just dance with whatever
shows up…

The darkness is also
part of the dance.

Nothing is excluded.

Everything is embraced.

It is Love dancing with ItSelf…

Unknown author

A Week of Pain...

The imagery on TV of people on the East coast left broken and broken-hearted – calling out for assistance, as if they have been abandoned - has touched my heart, touching that same feeling of abandonment deep within myself somewhere.  And I wonder, how could I live in a contemplative bubble that I am wont to - and close myself off to what is happening in the world, under the guise of “spirituality”?  I can’t.  There’s no either/or.  It’s all one Life living ItSelf out here – just as it is…  Pain and Peace… And maybe it’s really that I want to protect myself from feeling my own pain. That’s what global pain does.  It gets us in touch with our own pain, our own vulnerability, our own helplessness to know what to do for a hurting world, let alone our own pain.  And ironically, the more time I spend contemplatively in Silence, listening within, the more of the world’s pain I seem to feel, as well as peace.

I saw a woman on TV helping in the clean-up effort in her own coastal town – crying – saying – “I want to go home, but there is no home.  It’s gone.”  I turned away and cried silently in my heart.  I can’t imagine the devastation to the psyche that no amount of religious platitudes of non-attachment, or non-dual refrains of, there is no “me” who wants to go home, can assuage.  It is a deep wound of the heart to lose one’s sense of “home” – to *feel* that sense of separation.  I’m sure we have all felt that in one form or another at some time in our lives, whether it was a loss of a physical place, a person, or an emotional/spiritual sense of “home” – that led to a sense of deep “homesickness” of the heart.

And a lot of us know people in our daily lives who need our empathy and our compassion, who have lost their sense of “Home”, feeling abandoned by “God” – adrift in their lives.  It is a deep wound.  I know such people in my family.  And it is a helpless feeling not knowing how to help them.  It’s as if some people’s pain is so deep that it cannot be mended.  It is not a tangible “fix” on a practical level, or seemingly a “spiritual” one either.   It is a deep pain of the psyche.  It is a loss of “Home” - that sense of eternal Beingness – a loss of internal bearings of the Spirit; an insatiable pain that no one and nothing can fill.  I’m sure you’ve met them too.  The ones whose hearts cry the cry of desperation in a dark wilderness of the mind, like sleep deprivation, leaving a deep hollow hunger within.  How do we help these wounded wanderers?

It all trickles down, pain upon pain – or maybe I sound too morbid - too dramatic…  But it’s true.  We are all impacted by the pain of others, by the global pain of a wounded world.  One person’s pain affects us all.  And yet, many times, as I have discovered, we are helpless to end their pain, and so we distract ourselves from their pain, and our own, by shutting out and shutting off; by pretending this is all an illusion.  I have done it too, not wanting to experience their pain.  But their pain ripples out anyway - through humanity.  How can we *not* be affected – how can we not allow ourselves to *feel.*

I once read a story online.  I believe it was a story of an African man who when asked how he was said he was “unwell”, even though he was very well.  The story went that his grandmother was not well, and that when one member of the family was unwell, they were all unwell.  And I knew what he meant.  I experience this myself in my own family.  One family member’s unwellness of being affects the whole family, and we are all “unwell” - we are all in pain, until that person becomes whole again. To some that sounds “co-dependent”, but it is energetic; an energetic vibration felt throughout the whole.   

Their pain *is* my/our pain.  I don’t want it to be.  I want to ignore it, or blame them for their choices that created their own pain…  But there it is.  It’s all a reflection.  And lofty beliefs and words are not helpful, because it cannot be heard, or received by those caught in the deep pain of the unconscious…

There is nothing I can offer
that buffers the pain,
that softens the heartache,
or heals the wounds -

for my sister, my mother, or the world…

And yes, at times I want to hide from their pain,
to not feel their pain,
because it is often too overwhelming…

And because I have my own pain.

And what to do with that as well…

I sit with it and let it speak,
let it cry,
let it take me to the “mothering”
womb of Silence of all Life,
and rest there – waiting;
petitioning the Cosmic energies,
 neither male nor female,
 to intervene;
on behalf of my sister,
my mother,
myself,
and a suffering world.

Sometimes
that’s all I can do…

When the “practical”
fails to touch the soul…

We pray…

And that is our offering
of love…

Photo: A piece from another canvas in progress…

Dancing With Shadow and Light...

I’ve been reading The Practice of Contemplative Photography: Seeing the World with Fresh Eyes.  It has inspired me to be more aware of the world around me, to pay attention to what I am actually seeing, whether through the lens of my own eyes, or through the lens of the camera.  According to the authors, Andy Karr and Michael Wood, contemplative photography is about the immediate direct experience of pure seeing without the overlay of conceptual thinking – without labeling what we are seeing.  They say that “labeling things as beautiful or ugly masks what they really look like.”  According to them, “artistic living” – or living artistically - has more to do with HOW we see than trying to be creative.   It has to do with “resting in an innate intelligence, that some call Awareness, and allowing the basic qualities of form to be recognized by this innate, nonconceptual intelligence…..allowing things to emerge, rather than trying to interpret the nature of the perception…”    Seems this applies to our spiritual practice, and life, as well!  Are we seeing with the HEART of Awareness, or with the conceptual mind that wants to figure things out, to analyze and interpret…  So I am experimenting with “seeing” and how I see what I see – and from where am I really seeing - WHO/WHAT is really seeing…  In most non-dual spiritual practices, this is really what it all comes down to – seeing WHO is really seeing…  Abstract, I know :)

One morning I became aware of the dance of shadow and light that was going on in the den, as the morning sun managed to find its way through the slits in the closed blinds that let the light in anyway.  I snapped the photos below that show this interplay of light and dark – the interplay of life really.  The shadow does not obscure what is really there.  It’s all a matter of how we see it.

I also included some meditative writings under the photos that I wrote several years ago (2004) while meditating that have to do with the dance of shadow and light that we participate in every day in our minds – some know it as the shadow self.

 

It’s all just a dance,
a playful dance of light and dark.
Allow the dance of shadow to play itself out in your life,
and be grateful for the dance.

  

The shadow self is just a consciousness.

It is the consciousness spawned by the *belief* in separation from Infinite Consciousness…

A *belief* in separateness creates a consciousness of darkness and fear…

For the most part humanity functions from this consciousness.

A consciousness of separation dominates the mind – creating suffering.

The fear feeds on fear, creating more darkness.

It manifests a consciousness of darkness
that you *believe* to be real.

But the shadow self is just a mist, an illusion…
It is not “darkness” in the negative sense…
The consciousness of darkness is only a thin layer, a thin veil.
It creates much dysfunction, but really has no power to sustain.
It gives the illusion of power to seemingly rob you of your
True Consciousness…

You have become caught in the net of fear,
*thinking* it is real.

You can emerge through this layer of darkness by becoming aware of the
Consciousness of Infinite Beingness/Awareness.

This creates a new reality,
a new consciousness.
Whatever your consciousness is,

that is your reality.
Shift the *identity* with the consciousness of shadow self
and you create a whole new reality…

The gift of the shadow is the Light of Awareness,
the call to awareness of the Light
that we are...

Wounds of the Heart...

My mother’s cat literally dropped dead at her home a week ago Thursday, leaving my 84 year old mother sitting holding her dead cat in a deluge of tears in the Vet’s office - understandably.   Unspoken wells of emotion came from deep caverns within, flooding the room.  I’m sure it was also years of the hidden emotional pain of life and loss.  Loss can do that.  It brings up a lot of hidden issues we didn’t know were there.  My teary eyed sister and I tried to console her.  But what can you do when a woman does not want to be consoled, when she pulls away in bitterness, and uses the opportunity to zing you with her words.  Anger and pain are closely related.  While cradling her dead cat like a newborn, she said: “I know *other people* didn’t like you but *I* loved you – indirectly pointed at the two of us – purposely shrugging each one of our hands off her shoulder – pulling away.  Ouch…

My mother’s cat was not a cuddly, loving cat.  You had to keep your distance, and pass by him carefully undergoing a gauntlet of hisses and swats.  No, we didn’t warm up to him.  But we each have lost a cat and know the deep pain and grief of losing a beloved pet.  And we were being rebuffed for our offering.  I could only step back in wonder at how deep my mother’s pain must go to use this opportunity to bite back – unconsciously, I know.  This hasn’t been the first time either.  As my sister and I stepped away and moved across the room I became aware of an internal hurt to the zing, and a reaction arose.  Instead of love, an incredible awkwardness filled the room – and the ride home from the Vet.  The remnants of unclaimed baggage…

How does one express love and compassion to a woman who obviously can’t receive it, whose emotional baggage is so heavy she has no free hands to receive any offer of consolation.  Whose wounds are so deep they won’t allow her to authentically love – or be loved.  This is the dynamic in my family vortex, and I imagine in many other families as well.  We all have them – the baggage, the wounds, the denial, the blaming, the deep bitterness of not feeling loved and nurtured enough that poisons relationships and gets carried from generation to generation.

Over the years we all have had our own ways of wounding each other with our hidden pain - with sharp tongues, with sarcasm and criticism, with anger - revealing our inability to hold our hearts open. Unable to speak of our wounds with each other in mature, authentic ways that heal, we default instead to the dysfunction, reverting to the passive-aggressive hurtful behavior of our prickly personalities – with little digs that get expressed to relieve the hidden suffering, to bite back, to be right – to try to control our pain.

Many years ago I became aware of my own pain and dysfunction – my shadow side - and began to get some much needed professional help. I also took up the so-called “spiritual path” to find a “better way”, to become more conscious of my own deeply hidden wounds – and – to “awaken” to who I really am at the Heart of Being beyond the pain.  This does not make me special, or more evolved, or “better than.”  I just wanted to move past the pain, and to know the Truth.  I thought I had gotten past the pains of the past, but last week I could feel the heart ache flood to the surface again.  I was a bit surprised actually.  The difference was, I could just let it be there, just notice it rise (and after a couple of days dissipate.)  No longer willing to lash out from hurt in anger, I was just aware – aware of my own woundedness and everyone else’s, still trying to be present - from a safe distance emotionally – allowing some space as the thunder rolled through everyone. 

It became clear that the cat’s death had become a catalyst for the emergence of unspoken family pain again…  But what can one do when other family members don’t want to *see* their pain, to face the 500 pound elephant in the room, refuse to get help while drowning in a sea of dysfunction – threatened by the mere exposure of the deep, open family wound that makes my heart ache to write about it...

“Accepting life as it is” sometimes gets bandied about in non-dual circles like a cliché, but the pain of “life as it is” needs to be addressed at times… At some point there has to be a willingness to *see* - our own and each other’s wounds - a willingness to get to the root of the wound: the *belief* in separation from our Eternal Beingness/True Nature.

Non-dual awareness, teachings, practices, methods, and techniques are not a “spiritual bypass” for our pain.  Nothing is left behind.  Everything is allowed as part of the fabric of Reality – the suffering, the wounds, the shadows, the tears in the fabric of living.  And there needs to be a willingness to open to those wounds through awareness, tenderness and compassion *for* the woundings.   And through that, a different path emerges, so that we are not unconsciously defaulting to the path of hidden pain and suffering, again and again… 

But - are we willing to expose and unwind the wounds of the Heart?   Are we willing to wake up and see the Truth of who we really are and not *live* in our wounds…   Obviously I’m still facing mine :)

~

Photos

The pictures are from a scrapbook I did many years ago when I was addressing the wounds of the Heart.
They are individual collage pages dealing with some aspect of “the wound” as I understood it back then.
What I didn’t understand at the time was the deep wound of separation
that is at the root of our sense of woundedness and suffering -
the not *knowing* of who we really are…

It was only when I began to be aware of our inherent True Nature/Beingness
that the wounds began to be faced and embraced – over time…

May we all wake up from “the wound.”

Perspectives on Pain...

I spent the early part of this week in intense back pain.  Evidently I twisted my back while out pruning, weeding and raking last weekend.  The pain didn’t emerge until Sunday late afternoon, when suddenly the muscle along the spine on my right side went into spasm - and radiated around my ribs.  It was relentless.  I could not find a comfortable position.  I was able to reach around for a little self-massage to get a little relief at first. But I believe in all the twisting and turning of yard work a rib “popped” out of place, which was the main pain culprit..  I discovered that no matter how I tried to maintain perspective, pain changes you and your perspective.  It puts you in a seemingly unenlivened grey place that takes control of your life.  And I once again realized how fragile the body and life are, how quickly my settled, comfortable views about life and “self “ change, and how shadowed my “knowing” becomes when pain comes to call. In pain everything is moment to moment. 

The body does what the body does.  I have had chronic health and body issues since birth, so I understand the very real limitations of being in a physical body that doesn’t “work” the way I’d like it to :)  Fortunately I haven’t been in chronic pain.  But this recent experience with pain made me realize, amongst other things, that pain in the body is not a mental construct. There was no use in playing with the words when going through it, trying to convince myself of the difference between pain and suffering, and that suffering is only of the mind. My experience and awareness was that this body was in serious pain - “struggling” - even though I know that what we really are is beyond that pain.  I found myself automatically and unconsciously resisting it, and therefore in more pain, trying to find ways to alleviate it.  I’m no masochist :) I applied ice, heat, went to the doctor, took Advil and Ativan and tried to remember to breathe into the pain and relax, while at the same time wanting to escape the pain – a natural response.    

I can’t imagine that anyone who is in pain, or seriously ill, does not feel some sort of “suffering” in their body, as conscious and enlightened as they may be.   The body labors to live.   How easy it is when in pain to fall down that slippery slope of fear - suffering in the mind.  In the midst of pain “practices” like following the breath, being with the pain, going into the pain, embracing the pain, or telling myself the famous non-dual cliche that there is no one here that suffers, seemed like band-aids in light of the pain experienced.  In that moment there was nothing beyond that moment of pain.  I now feel greater compassion for those who have chronic physical pain – and how debilitating that is on every level.   I had all I could do to remember to ride the pain with a sense of awareness, and not fall down the mental and emotional sink hole of despair; although I had my moments – sliding back and forth between conscious and unconscious suffering.

I noticed that pain unmasks all the wonderfully comfortable mental ideas and beliefs that suffering is optional. Who ever said that!?  Maybe what is optional is the mental and emotional suffering.  But any explanation feels like a mental construct, a consoling lens through which to see pain from a conceptual point of view.  Sometimes “we” can get lost in lofty “spiritual” constructs.  Our personal and collective constructs of why suffering occurs can actually separate us from the pain that we and others experience by trying to put a rational explanation on “suffering.”  That is not to say that we need to fall down the rabbit hole of drama with our pain, but I see now that we need to call it what it is and acknowledge ours and each other’s suffering.  I am aware that The Buddha said suffering happens because we do not see the true nature of our suffering; the true nature of ourselves.  I understand this in terms of how our ignorance of our True Nature can cause unnecessary suffering.  But physical pain and suffering still happens.  It’s part of the mechanism of the body-mind, of being human, the fragility of the body and human existence – as I see and experience it anyway.  And in the pain anxiety automatically arises in the body, as if in response.  It is so subtle.  It is a body response, and I suspect a neural response to the pain.  And trying to see the experience differently had no affect on it. 

In the pain there was a dream-like sense of separation from awareness of the Truth of Existence – that there is no separation.  Pain became like a shield that separated, seemingly impenetrable.  And in that state of pain it was realized that we are all really living on the threshold of awareness, building constructs like ropes trying to save ourselves from our fragility – from our vulnerability – from pain – from death – from perceived separation that doesn’t exist… 

Humans suffer.  Understanding that who I really am is more than my body-mind does not necessarily help.  Being aware of my True Nature does not seem to help.  Knowing that I am not a separate “self” from Pure Awareness, and that it is That Awareness which is really experiencing this does not help. Understanding that there is a difference between pain and suffering does not help.  “Knowing” the Truth doesn’t relieve us from life happening as it does.  The only thing that relieves suffering in the experience of pain is the compassionate embrace of unconditional love from someone who knows what pain is like; not theories and constructs of why we suffer, or that there is nothing here that suffers, but someone who can help hold the suffering with you, in true compassionate intimacy.

So, in my spare time this week - :) - I have been pondering these perspectives on pain, noticing the effect of pain, waiting for the pain to stop.  And gratefully it did – Thursday.  The veil of pain lifted, opening a new perspective on pain and suffering…

I’m curious…  What is your perspective on pain?

A Fire Burns Within...

“Isn’t it time to turn your heart into a temple of fire?”

Rumi

There is a deep wound in me that needs to be addressed, and the pain of that wound that at times is so intense that I feel my heart is being torn out of my chest. And so I have been to the edge of the Abyss of “the wound” – really looking into it, allowing it to reveal itself. And – at the same time – the fires of creativity are being stoked. Interesting. At times there is such an excitement for Life that my heart can hardly contain itself. An Aliveness awakens and burns within, that wants to be *lived*. And then I feel the tear of separation again, and the aliveness gets snuffed out by the pain of “the wound” – which translates into sadness, melancholy and depression. I know the two are connected, related somehow – this deep “wound” of life, and the fire of Life within.

The pain of “the wound” has been with me since childhood, in many different forms. Although I’ve done a good job of numbing it, it is familiar. It is the pain of humanity - the original wound of separation. Humanity is living out the drama and pain of this original wound – the perceived separation from our Divine Nature - in many different ways. We have fragmented into illusions, into stories of who we really are, rather than retaining the Truth of who we are – our Natural State of Beingness. We have fractured into a life of accumulated suffering, pain and struggle. This “wound” of mankind represents the *belief* in, identification with and attachment to this sense of separateness as our identity that burns a hole in our hearts and psyches, and creates a fire of longing for “Home” – the Natural state of Being “Home.” The feeling of separation is a deep tear in the consciousness of man – creating a shadow of the Real that in its extreme leads to desperation and violence.

This “wound” of separation is a sense of separateness from our Wholeness and Holiness within – from the congruency with the deepest sense of Being. It is a sense of longing for that Source within; some call it God, or Truth, or True Nature. However we know it, it’s all the same longing. I have suppressed the pain and grief of that “wound”, and that longing for a lifetime; trying to quell it with religion, with many different forms of “spirituality” – with the “search for Truth” – with the search for “Enlightenment,” the Holy Grail of those on a “spiritual path” – looking for *something* to fill the hole of “the wound.” And there have been many moments of “awakening” to the Truth. But nothing has filled “the wound.” And the grief of that will not be assuaged.

The pain and grief that I have been experiencing are now recognized as the pain of this perceived separation, and the sense of incongruency within, that must be acknowledged and allowed to be released from the heart where it has been held captive. Because in its acknowledgement is “the Door” to the Fire of the Heart – the Fire of Life that burns within - which must also be expressed: the pain of the wound and the Fire of Life in the Heart – the inner dynamic interflow of Being. And so I cry and I create, which connects me with that Natural State of the Core of Being, until I no longer feel defined or confined by “the wound,” by the pain of perceived separation, and the grief for something unknown.

Allowing "the wound" to be seen and heard leads to a different movement *through* life, where it is no longer felt as a “wounding”, but an opening into the Heart of Being. This is the secret of “the wound.” To allow it to open us deeply to the Truth of who we are, knowing the wholeness of who we really are – the Fire in the temple of the Heart that is beneath, behind, and even *in* the pain.

Vortex Art™
Woman Dancing in the Fire…

~*~

“All our longing is but an eternal echo
of Divine Longing.
Embraced within that Divine Longing
we can dare to let our longing lead us…”

”When your true heart speaks,
the echo will return to assure you
that every moment of your presence
happens in the shelter
of the invisible circle…”

Quotes from John O’Donohoe
from Eternal Echoes

Fracture

The desolate place of woundings
is like a stark canyon of deeply creviced walls
and fractured fissures;
a fracture of the heart almost unbearable.

But within the fragmentation is Life.
Hidden deep within these canyoned walls
is an eternal
Light
glowing, throbbing, pulsating -
nestled and protected in a stony enclave,
formed from ages and ages of exposure to the
”elements” of separation…

But the enclave cracks open,
and the Heart Light is exposed
through the quaking of intense pain.
The tremors of trauma loosen and unwall
the hidden
Life
within
revealing a pureness
of innocent vulnerability…

Like the awakening of first light,
gentle, full and graceful,
this shimmering brilliance emerges from
the fissure of fragmentation,
releasing its full expression,
pulsing the message of Love:

“Embrace it all.”


~♥~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
June 17, 2001

~

The Light finds an opening for ItSelf
*through* our shadows,
our fractures,
our woundings,
which allows us
to experience Its Fullness,
Its Grace…

May all who have felt fractured
by life’s woundings come to a
place of embrace
and rest…

Bleeding Enso

I was inspired today by Genju’s post over at 108zenbooks on the Enso. So I thought I’d give it a try. (Please see her post for a more complete explanation of the meaning and significance of the Enso.) From my own brief research the Enso is a Zen symbol of completeness, wholeness, infinity, the universe, the absolute, the cyclical nature of existence, and the true nature of existence. It is considered to be a form of meditation showing the expressive movement of the spirit of the person painting at that moment.

I have never done an Enso before, although I have been strangely soothed by viewing them. I saw Genju’s post as an opportunity to play, to be creative, as well as a way to possibly peek into the reflection of where my spirit is at the moment…

The first few I tried, I knew I was “trying” - trying to make the circle complete – trying to get the circle “right” – because I knew how it was “supposed” to look. Mind was trying to control, and they looked “contrived.” It wasn’t until I got to this one – the 5th “try” – that the mind at least partially let go of trying, and the stroke became more expressive of the “spirit” within. I was using a clean make-up brush, watered down acrylic paint, and different kinds of scrap paper that I had. When I got to this one I had switched to a pad of wax coated paper that I used to practice folk art painting on a long time ago – to get the strokes just right before messing up a piece of wood. Always trying to get it “right.” :)

In the Enso pictured here, the original circle was not complete. It started out as a big blob of paint at the top left and ended with hardly a wisp of paint at the end. Then something unexpected happened. I picked up the piece of paper to look at it. The paint literally began to bleed – to run. At first I was a bit panicked: a - this isn’t supposed to be happening - kind of feeling. But I relaxed, became curious and just let it run, turning the paper with the flow. Ah - still trying to control! :) Or – looked at another way - maybe just spontaneously letting life turn the way it does – adjusting and adapting… As the paint flowed a “bridge” appeared between the beginning and the end of the original stroke, and tendrils dripped into the center. I watched mesmerized as redness oozed its way around the circle, and the tendrils just kept going till they ran out of paint. Something inside deeply resonated with it, and I *felt* the reflection of what was expressed in the moment: not quite complete, not finished, not fully "enlightened" – in fact, rather raw and bleeding – life energy running everywhere; even though I keep *trying* to bridge that gap – to keep turning life around so “I” will finally feel complete. Yep – the Enso pretty much sums it up…

I don’t know if this is a” true” Enso, as I get the sense one is not supposed to play with them, or alter them in any way. They are just supposed to be a single brush stroke. But here it is – my “first” (5th) Enso… Something about it fascinates me – being able to peek into the nature of how “spirit” speaks to me, without self-analysis… I like the expressiveness of the movement, watching it unfold, seeing where it all goes – on paper that is. Every day life, not so much… :) The Enso reminds me, however, that even in the midst of the messiness and woundings of life, we are already whole and complete in our true nature. We are embraced just the way we are, even if things are not precise and clean… Wonderfully soothing isn’t it? :)

Thank you Genju for the inspiration and call to creativity!

~*~

Tea with Ang Ziety

Maybe you know Ang Ziety? She hangs out a lot with me. She’s like an undercurrent hum of an electrical buzz – the neurons on overload and over-stimulation, misfiring, creating havoc in this body… She’s been with me all my life actually, you’d think we’d be in better relationship by now. But, she’s unpredictable and neurotic so I never know what to expect. And I tend to try to keep a lid on her, relegating her to the underground so she won’t spiral out of control. But she refuses to stay there, which actually is a good thing.

I have had tea with her many times before, befriending her. I danced with her in the shower, and met her in “The Cave.” I have used a variety of techniques to address her throughout the years: Byron Katie –Loving What Is - the 4 questions work (read it 3 times); Tara Brach’s wonderful book – Radical Acceptance; Pema Chodron – The Places That Scare You; Richard Moss – The Mandala of Being – love this book; Debbie Ford – The Dark Side of the Light Chasers is a particularly good book for understanding and working with shadow aspects. And then there’s always the “inner child work” books, and so forth. And, I’ve had lots of “therapy.” :) I know there is much debate out there on the efficacy of “the psychological approach” for what ails mankind – I found it helpful. All the teachings, techniques and therapies seemed to help when I was working with them – easing the angst of anxiety for a while, but never really “curing” it. What I mean by “cure” is a deep abiding shift in perception and a re-identification with our authentic Being. Anxiety, despite all my insights and practices has not significantly shifted. The anxious mind still wreaks havoc like a child with ADHD, constantly needing re-direction and re-focus. So there must be something deeper that needs to be addressed.

Over the years I have developed my own ways of addressing her. I do not presume to tell anyone how to work with their demons. We each have to find our own way. I am just sharing my experience here. When I’m not frightened by my little gremlins of fear, I see them as little orphans who just want to be acknowledged, embraced, fed and loved. Their underlying issues have been disowned, roaming out on the streets, homeless. They need to be brought home to the Womb of the Heart again. So I welcome them by recognizing their presence, dialoging with them in my journal, holding an energetic space for them to be here, and introduce them to the Heart of Being once again.

Anyway, Ang and I sat last Wednesday.

Initially I ask a few general questions like: What is the truth of this anxiety? What is needed here? Or, more specifically - what does Anxiety want/need – sometimes giving her a name. I mindfully ask questions until the “right” one resonates from within. And then I sit, waiting for the “answer” from within. It became clear that the “answer” this time was that she needed a sense of security and stability. I could not offer her those biscuits at the moment. Life just isn’t that way right now.

In sitting with Ang, acknowledging her fear, feeling her in my body, moving with her, the image of a hyper child, or a hyper puppy, experiencing separation anxiety emerged. Over the years I have discovered that Ang needs lots and lots of reassurance to *not* feel separate, abandoned, or threatened by life’s changes. She needs to learn to trust that she is in fact not separate from Source at all, and that she will be supported by That… Convincing her is not easy however. Life is pretty groundless at the moment.

Each time I sit with Ang and look into anxiety I discover the same root cause of Ang’s angst: a deep sense of separateness from that which I *know* myself to be – the True Self – Being – pure Awareness. Ang somehow feels “disconnected” from this felt sense of the deep Stillness of the Inner Being – our True Nature - and can’t seem to find her way back Home. She is like a frightened child that, once separated from the womb, did not develop a sense of security, stability and trust in her inner Knowing Awareness. It also became quite clear that “I” had identified with Ang, with anxiety. “I” became her. “I” bought into the identity of being an anxious, separate person, developing a kind of attachment to anxiety. And when “I” *believes* her thought streams “I” feels separate. I can’t explain it, it just happens this way – despite *knowing* that we are never separate from Source. Separation is evidently a very deeply engrained neural pattern in mankind.

Tara Brach says something to the effect that it is harder for people who have experienced serious trauma early in life to trust their inner Being, to trust that “The Beloved”, is there for them. That is - seeing “The Beloved” inside themselves - *as* themselves – knowing That is who they are, and trusting That. I understand this…

I end by asking: How does Being want to relate to this anxiety? The answer is always – with compassion, gentleness and love – not trying to get rid of her, or make her behave, but seeing what the deeper need is and addressing that – the wound of separation. And evidently what Ang needs is some experiential re-programming from within. Ah-ha!

Ultimately, what I understand over and over again is that it all comes down to – “entrainment” – entrainment with Being. By that I mean experiencing a *felt sense* of Inner Beingness – beyond training the mind in methods and techniques – an actual, felt experience of the Stillness of Being that we are. This comes through a willingness to sit with That which we are – our Beingness/Source – until we are fully established in That; re-identifying *as* That which we are. The only way I have found to do that is to actually get a felt sense experience of what “That” feels like. So the more I relax into Being, meditate on what this BEingness that I am feels like - becoming aware of the Spaciousness of pure Awareness - the more I entrain *experientially* with that which “I” is – eventually *re-cognizing* a seamless intimacy with That.

So Ang and ”I” meet in “the chair”, at the Pool of Awareness, bask in the beautiful Stillness beyond stillness, and relax into Beingness. It is the true Elixer for what ails the wound of separation…

~*~


Meditating is not the only way to experience our True Nature – Being.
There are many ways to relax into this Space.
Massage, Music, Nature, Contemplative Dance,
Contemplative Art and Photography…
Qi Gong, Tai Chi,
Energy work – given and received,
Mindfulness in daily living,
awareness of what in us is Awake and Aware – Being.

Welcome The Heart Arrows

For several weeks now I’ve been feeling a very intense emotional kind of “heartpain”… No particular event, trauma, or wound comes to mind – just a generic kind of universal human experience wound of the heart. Arrow arriving in the fence nearly two weeks ago was a timely metaphor for looking at this pain, and seeing through the wound into the womb of the Heart…

In the exuberance of opening to the Heart, as has been happening here, there is now an opening and “outpouring” of the wounds that have been held here – the wounds of this life experience that have been hidden in the heart. This does not mean that I am “suffering” with any kind of victimization, or wallowing in old wounds, lost in the memories of old betrayals, and arrows. None of the wounds needs to be identified or rehashed. It’s more of a natural process of release of the accumulated “pain of life” as a whole. As I acknowledge this deep pain, these wounds and their subsequent armoring are being relieved of their duty to guard and protect this heart… But I didn’t realize the process would be so “painful” – requiring such mindfulness not to fall off the edge into story again – to not fall into the unconscious pit of pain…

Last week I just happened to pull Pema Chodron down off the shelf. I like to keep her handy. :) As I scanned through her pages my eyes fell on a few sentences here and there. One phrase in particular was rather timely I thought. She said: “Get in touch with the arrow in your heart and *relate to the wound.* Feel the wounded heart… If someone comes along and shoots an arrow in your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person (or situation). It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart and *relate to that wound.*” Wow – okay – heart begins to twitter… She says that by coming face to face with our wounds and relating to them, actually allowing ourselves to *feel* the rawness of them, the heart actually opens more, and we find the spacious tender heart of bodhichitta – the awakened Heart - underneath the pain. She says that every arrow, every wound is an opportunity to open to this deeper space of the Heart – and relate to That… She does not say to suppress them, or deny that we have them, but to face the wound directly and *it* will lead you to the tender Heart of Hearts underneath… Okay, sign me up for another Heart excursion… I’ll bring the bandages and tape…

However, it appears I’m already on one – and have been for a long time… It is not something I remember consciously choosing to do, or planning to do; it is just happening. Life circumstances have provided the opportunities - the arrows… Maybe ultimately this “outpouring” is happening now because many years ago my desire was to live with an open heart, and I think I thought it was going to happen easily and automatically – maybe even create a by-pass around those clogged arteries. You know, just put in your wish and the magic happens – you awaken and pour out gobs of love and bliss. My life hasn’t worked that way… I didn’t know what “heart opening” would entail, or feel like, and I don’t think I brought along the right gear… No matter, this heart is apparently opening anyway, whether I’m prepared or not, revealing its accumulated contents, and the tender Heart Womb beyond the wounds. I’m in labor here - birthing into the womb of the Heart… Geeze this birth canal is long and dark and there’s no air!

Interestingly, at the end of January I experienced a rather intense period of “heartpain.” So I went to “The Cave” and sat with this “heartache.” I breathed *into* the “pain”, deeply and consciously attending to it. I faced into it internally and took a good look… There was the sense that this “deep pain” was some kind of encasement around the heart, protecting a deeper more vulnerable space. Within the encasement of pain there was a deep light, although I could only see its faint glow. Through the encasement, which was transparent, I could feel beyond the solidity of the pain to a tenderness, a gentle space – the soft heart as Pema calls it. There was also a sense that the pain was also a “gate”, an opening into something unguarded and untouched. I realized that the experience of pain, no matter what the cause, is really an invitation, not an obstacle or barrier. It’s an invitation to open more to the Deep Heart. It’s not enough to just meet the pain, one must follow the pain all the way through into the Womb of the Heart…

It turns out that Arrow in the fence was a messenger of sorts, not only to relate differently to my neighbor, but to welcome the arrows of the heart, to deeply attend the wounds, and allow the light to come through them – the openings that life’s arrows have left behind…

~*~

Check out this piece of prose from Ameeta at Self discovery self

The Shadow of Separation Window

I resurrected this from a previous post, because it is something that I’m revisiting again at the window: the felt sense of separation, and how it continues to cycle back into view, creating a shadow. So it appears it’s time to take a look and explore this phenomena again… More posts to come!

The “original wound” of humanity is a
*perceived separation* from the Essence of all Life,
from Source, from Self, from our True Nature…

Healing this universal wound is a
healing of the consciousness of separation –
The imagined “split” from the Consciousness of the Heart
that became the shadow…

This wound of separation is just a consciousness
spawned from the *belief* in separation.
A *belief* in separation creates a consciousness
of fear and darkness – a shadow.

It is only a *belief.*
It is not real.

You are caught in the net of separation again,
*thinking* it is real.
Awaken from this shadow self.
Recognize the presence of your True Nature - again,
the Beingness that you are…

See life through the eyes of this pure Seeing of the Heart.
Find your internal “Home” in the sense of this Beingness.
Remember this Infinite Consciousness within you – that is you.
It is the place of un-wounding.
The place of unwinding the wound…



Excerpts from my journals – 2004

~*~

“Addiction to belief in a separate me is the root of all suffering.”

Miriam Louisa
This Unlit Light

Raising the Window...

In window sitting, late at night, in the dark, there seem to be many questions that arise out of curiosity, like: Is Consciousness/Awareness aware that it is aware? Can Consciousness/Awareness be aware of ItSelf? Is it true that Awareness/Consciousness is all there is? After all there *are* apparently “things” here… I mean I see trees, and houses, and plants, and animals, and people driving cars while sitting at the window every night… Then there was a “question” posed to me yesterday from a fellow “window sitter” who emailed me and said: “Sometimes in these meditations it seems there can be this seeing of this space identical with divisionless existence… but there is still the experience of something ‘other.’”

I gave a preliminary, rambling answer and then pondered a while.

And later, what arose was this:

The “seeing” is the recognition that there is no “thing” *separate* from the Essence or Essential Nature of Being; that certainly Beingness ItSelf – Spacious, Awake, Aware Presence - can and obviously does manifest ItSelf *as* many different “things”: trees, people, animals, thoughts, flowers, music, art - dark and light, pain and joy. And yes, even our personalities, our egos are not “other” than, not separate from this essential Nature of all that is. It’s like seeing that there’s an alive flow of energy through it all. And so the *idea* of separateness, of “other”, of duality, doesn’t really matter anymore, because you realize that what you see is this all-pervasive Beingness morphing ItSelf into many forms. And – it is realized that there is only a *sense* of ‘other’ that isn’t essentially real…

Later that night, during “window sitting” I couldn’t help but continue to ponder this. And once again the window of Seeing was raised, or is that the blinds: Being-Self sees ItSelf in and as everything. It Sees ItSelf as tree, as cloud, as us – no separation - as everything that exists… Being ItSelf has no sense of “other,” has no concept of separation, or duality. It only sees ItSelf…

~*~