B took an
unexpected trip to see his nearly 91 year old mother last weekend at the Care
Facility in New Mexico,
near her daughter, where she has been now for more than a year. She is what he calls – “on the exit ramp.” She is not “dying” at this moment in time –
although we weren’t sure, as she had recently been hospitalized, the body
possibly shutting down, and we thought this might have been it. Still, she is clearly on the exit ramp of
life. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s
several years ago. She still recognizes
her son, and remembered who I was, even though I was not there on this trip. But there was no enthusiasm in the
recognition as in previous visits this past year…
The first
day he just sat with her at her bedside for hours as she slept. The staff would get her up to eat her meals
in the dining hall – via wheelchair, but she kept her eyes closed – not
engaging. There is no emotional
expression anymore, except a look of confusion or worry. She appeared to be on automatic, as if blank,
withdrawn into herself. Sometimes there
were glimmers of understanding, sometimes not…
And yet, she seems to be *aware* at some level. She cannot hear, has a Cochlear implant –
which helps, but not completely. She
would occasionally open her eyes to see if he was still there – but was
otherwise unresponsive – less engaged; although, she has learned some simple
sign language with a couple of members of the staff, and seems to respond to
them, which was surprising…
And we
wonder, has she truly reached the end of her life, or does she have many more
years living like this… Of course nobody really knows…
In one of
B’s communiqués to me, in response to my question about how he was feeling
about all this, he wrote:
Acceptance of her present place and behavior on the exit
ramp.
Yes, of course, acceptance of where
she is, and whatever behavior she is displaying on the exit ramp, without
trying to *make* her respond, or converse, or be what *he* wants her to
be. And so he sat, quietly, in her
wheelchair next to the bed, just being present, silently reading his Kindle as
she slept… The only question she asked:
Are you going to be here? We think she
meant, when she woke up. Maybe this is
why he wanted to go alone. So he could
fully *be* there, be fully present, without distraction…
On the second day she was roaming
the halls in her wheelchair when he arrived. He was quickly in tow, following
behind as she walked the wheelchair, until she was ready to go back to
bed. In the photo below she is taking a
break and seems to have fallen asleep again… Yet, we aren’t sure if she is
truly sleeping, or just turning inward – disengaging from the world… “But where does she go?” – my sister-in-law
asked…
B continues to amaze me with his
wisdom in this situation. I don’t know
why it amazes me, it just does. Perhaps because it’s usually what *I* need to hear.
He reminded me through this visit with his mother that it is about
learning to see how life plays itself out from the perspective of the Eternal Being
that we are – that embodies the body; that is non-reactive to, and
non-judgmental of what is happening, but is just Aware… And this is the key, to always return to
this internal space of *Awareness* of the Eternal Being that we all are. That no matter what life dramas/events we are
entwined in/with, we can return to that place of Silent Awareness within. Our Eternal Being accepts every situation and
others with a sense of openness and curiosity, with a sense of compassion, with
no need to “fix” it/them – *allowing* everything. I know this is true… I just need reminders… And it doesn’t mean that one doesn’t *feel*
anything about what is happening either.
Even the feelings are allowed to play themselves out. I learn so much when I actually *listen* to
him. J When I’m on the “exit
ramp” I want him sitting by my side to usher me across the threshold… But of course, we’re all already on the “exit
ramp” aren’t we… J - some just further along than others…
