Willing to Dance...

Thursday I hit a wall. My body would not agree to do anymore. It was electrically buzzing, as if all circuits had been overloaded. They had. Something was off kilter and would not function. I was definitely out of sync with my Self – living at the surface of life instead of at the depths. Five and one half weeks of family crises, emotional and mental stress, as well as physical caretaking physically and emotionally drained me. I am not used to living at such a pace on any level, out of rhythm with my own rhythms. So the body just said – STOP! PLEASE! So of course there was no choice… I landed on the couch about noonish, and there I stayed, except for cooking lunch and dinner. My body was “out of service.”

I am aware that part of the fatigue (both physically and emotionally) is a constant sense of stress and anxiety that got triggered with this new round of life experiences. I am also aware that it is a lifelong habitual mind created fear and anxiety. There is a deep neuronal groove there. An underlying fear has always been my life’s companion since childhood. And here she was again – pounding at my door. I thought I had gotten rid of her on my “spiritual path” – at least had diminished her to a more “manageable” level over the years. I was disheartened by her incessant knocking again. I could feel her gripping my solar plexus, contracting and contorting me. Over the last few weeks I have tried to ignore her and just keep pushing forward – hoping that keeping busy would keep me from experiencing her dreaded presence. I realized at the same time how stupid that was, as she was making her presence known anyway, peeking in through the windows, trying to come down the chimney. She was no longer willing to be kept at bay. I tried breathing techniques, journaling about it, meditating, and was very *aware* of the mind blizzard that was giving her an opportunity to seep under the door. But none of these “worked.” She would not be satisfied until she was *acknowledged* - meeting her in the dungeon. But I resisted her relentless pain and torture – until Friday morning.

I awoke Friday morning in the grip of fear once again. I thought maybe sleep would magically make things better. :) I had a busy day ahead: helping my sister with a shower, being emotionally present, taking her to her afternoon appointment, picking up groceries, etc. I didn’t know how I would be able to do all this with a body that wasn’t working well. It created anxiety just thinking about how I was going to function! I breathed into the lower dan-tien, as I do every morning, repeating – “Awareness.” This time I was just trying to bypass the torture that was going on in the mind and gut. I thought if I could just get the energy flowing, feel a little more grounded, the gut-wrenching grip would clear itself and this innate sense of fear would subside. It was slightly assuaged, yet still hung on. So I shifted my awareness and breath to the solar plexus – breathing into the painful presence of fear. I allowed myself to really feel it without resisting, or flinching, or avoiding. With my inner vision I began to open the door - to *see* what was hiding there in the dark. There was no boogeyman. There were no writhing snakes, no chained monster with long tail and breathing fire. It was just – pain and contraction – just fear.

In the shower that morning I had a purging realization. Some of my best insights happen in the shower, where I am naked and vulnerable and alone. All the barriers come down – and surrender happens. In a purging moment of surrender I blurted out to the fear: I am willing to dance with you! I am willing to dance with you! I am willing to dance with you!

No, fear did not magically leave, but there was a release of her tight grip. She knew she had gotten my attention, that I was listening at a deeper level now - that I was willing. I was willing to hear her, to feel her, to dance with her – to let her open me. That hasn’t completely happened yet either, but the door is ajar with a less fearful sense of fear. We’ve entered a new dance that *allows* her presence here. I felt a renewed strength in the willingness to just be with her, and to let her be with me – companions dancing through this life experience. Amazlingly I was able to function at a higher level throughout the day.

And so, you may be asking – what does this have to do with the above picture of the post-it note message that says: Compassion Invites – “fierce presence” – Dancing with Life… Each note was written at separate times over the last year or so and just placed on the cabinet door. They happen to fall into this order. In the meeting of the fear that morning the statement they make together made sense. When we are compassionate with our “dark places” there is a “fierce presence” that allows us to meet them, to dance with them – Dancing with life.

That morning I re-wrote it to read: Compassion allows - fear’s presence – dancing with life… That made sense to me too. And so I dance… Willingly…

Beauty After The Blizzard

Wanted to share these photos
from our recent snow fall.

They remind me of the pristine beauty that emerges

after a blizzard,

whether from Mother Nature,

or life experiences…

And yet, though we strain against the grip

of daily necessity,

I sense there is this mystery:

All life is being lived.

Who is living it then?

Is it the things themselves,

or something waiting

inside them,

like an unplayed melody

in a flute?

Rainer Maria Rilke

from: ‘Book of Hours’

Photos - Christine

Choice

I have been away for a while because life has taken yet another unexpected turn, and I am suddenly caught up in the consequences of someone else’s choices. I did not ask for this. Yet there is no other choice as I see it. This event is changing how I see and experience life. I am questioning everything that I thought was true about “Truth.” In particular – that Life is living Itself, that Consciousness is all there is. Is this *really* true? If that is the case, then would Consciousness have made these choices that have such dire consequences and impact so many lives! Who actually is making the choices that we make – especially the ones that can be deadly. Certainly there must be a difference between conscious and unconscious choice. I have not given this much thought before. I blithely believed that it’s all just Consciousness – whatever that means… But now there seems to be a challenge to that thinking. It’s not so black and white anymore.

On March 3rd my sister was involved in a domestic violence incident. Her life was threatened and she evidently either jumped or was pushed off her second story balcony. She has forgotten most of what happened. She broke her back and injured her neck. She is now in a back brace and neck collar. We did not receive a call from her until the next day from the CCU where she was being prepared for back surgery. Life changed in an instant for her – and me. I became the responsible party – not only for making decisions, but as a caretaker for 3-6 months. This is a role I do not want. It has been thrust upon me by circumstances created by life choices that were not mine. And yet, here I am. This is my life experience now and I am feeling the weight of the responsibility. It is a heavy weight… I am not able to simply “rest in Awareness” – observing, detached, neutral. My life has been impacted in ways I never expected. I have had to engage in a situation that I would not have chosen – or is that true? Was the choice made by the mere fact of the event itself – requiring these particular choices be made? It seems you just do what needs to be done without thinking…

I have been numbed by this experience, functioning like an automaton – doing what is obviously needed. And since she’s been home for the last 9 days – caretaking – wondering how long I will be able to stand the weight of this experience. I know the answer is: As long as it takes. She is getting physically stronger every day, more independent and fluid in her movement. And now the reality of the whole traumatic incident and its consequences: disability and loss of income earning ability, is setting in. She may be out of work for 6 months, and not able to do waitress work again. So depression, frustration and boredom have come to visit her. I wish I could make it all go away – but this is her life experience and I can’t “rescue” her from that – but neither did I want to be pulled *in* to her life experience. Yet there *is* no one else. The choice was made on its own really – out of necessity.

So “I” am able to be present – meaning – body/mind shows up, does what is needed, functions, offers support and assistance with daily needs, does errands and chores, which sounds rather cold as I describe it – it’s not really. The mechanical functioning is interwoven with caring support, compassion and humor. I learned to be a people pleaser/caretaker early in life, to “entertain”, to keep everybody happy, to make people feel better. This is part of the role I have slipped into once again. It emerged on its own really. But the song and dance routine is wearing thin. And it doesn’t *feel* like Presence. “I” am present without a sense of Presence. I’m mechanically functioning. So where did Presence go!? I seem to have lost my ability to “access” this deeper, wiser, intelligent, storehouse of Beingness. I keep waiting for the Presence switch to go on. Instead I have reverted to an old personality role, and the old feelings of anxiety about “being responsible” for others are suffocating me. Co-dependency 101. I haven’t been able to write about any of this until now. And silent time has been almost non-existent. There-in may lie the key… In order to deeply *listen* - to *hear* the wise voice of Presence one has to be still. “Days off” (2 in the last 16) are filled with my own activities of “catching up” around here, resting and stressing. I can’t seem to help that – it’s what my mind does – automatically – unconsciously; except that I’m aware that that’s what I’m doing. I don’t have the strength to resist it, and am barely able to “just sit” with the feelings. Facing into the overwhelming responsibility feels like trying to walk through a raging, blinding blizzard.

So here we are… There are no answers really – just, here we are – living what is presented to “us.” Is this what “they” mean when “they” say - all there is, is this - just this!? Something deep inside says there has to be more! There has to be a felt sense of deep abiding Presence that sustains one through times like these. Doesn’t there? Or maybe that’s just my wish to be rescued from this particular life experience. Some would respond that this thinking is the delusion… Yet it feels as if “this” that I’m living at the moment is the delusion – like being lost in that raging blizzard… Everything feels topsy-turvy. Toto, is that you? How did we land here? Hello~o~o~o~~~~

I am open to wise input here, as I realize I have most likely lost perspective in the numbing reality that has visited my door… I could use a few reminders of what life is really all about here… New ways of seeing are always welcome!

Blue Elephant Innocence...

The other day, after I entered the grocery store, I spotted a BIG Blue Elephant out of the corner of my eye headed my way. Well actually, a man dressed in a big blue elephant suit, but my Heart saw – BIG BLUE ELEPHANT! Oh Boy! In that moment Innocence returned like a forgotten joy. Oh – there you are! I must have misplaced you! Welcome back! I remember this feeling. It’s familiar. It seems like it’s been gone a while, on some long trip somewhere to a far away land as I “grew up” and became an “adult.” I rather liked the remembrance. My heart lightened. I gave the “Blue Elephant” a little wave with a big grin on my face– forgetting I am now 60. My Heart evidently thinks it’s still 3 or 4 - maybe 5… The Blue Elephant waved back. At least that’s how my Heart perceived it: Big Blue Elephant waving – and I lost my sense of self for a moment. I have no idea what the man underneath the suit must have been thinking as I waved. But as he passed by me and left the super market he waved at the other “adults” entering too. They grinned, and some waved back. I hope their Hearts were lightened like mine. Amazing what a little playful innocence can do…

I’ve noticed lately that my “spiritual journey” seems a little heavy, a little too serious maybe… Maybe you’ve noticed it on your own journey. I’ve been guru surfing on the Internet, reading everyone’s view of the “Truth.” The words, concepts and ideas *about* Truth, Freedom, Consciousness, Awareness and Being sometimes feel like a distraction to actually *seeing* what’s really here – the simple Innocence that permeates everything. Isn’t that really what the “spiritual journey” is about - *experiencing* the simple Heart of Innocence. Isn’t that what Pure Aware Consciousness is? There’s that mind again, trying to name what can’t be named – trying to get a handle on what “It” is - when really my Heart doesn’t care what “It” is, it just wants to play with “It” – to *experience “It!” My Heart remembered its Innocence and now wants more.

Ever since my True Heart cracked open – unexpectedly – with my brother’s skiing accident 2 ½ weeks ag0, I seem to be more aware of *feelings* – the innocence of feelings - and feeling more open and vulnerable as a result. Everything seems to touch me more these days. And since my “Blue Elephant” moment I’m ever so *slowly* letting go of the need to see life through the mind. I’m noticing the True Heart stir with just little touches of Innocence here and there. It’s the simple things really. It might be the splash of sunlight coming through the window hitting the room in a certain way, a rainbow from a glass prism hanging in the window splayed across the floor, or a shadow formed on a wall through a “crystal ball” with a snail looking on, or the sight of geese out the window flying low, honking their call. The other night it was the surprise of a huge raccoon in our backyard. I marveled as I watched him dig little divots in the lawn as he dug for who knows what… Bad raccoon – Bad… Yet, Innocence was pleased beyond measure.

It’s amazing seeing through the prism of Innocence once again…

I hope that you are touched by Innocence too, and your Heart will remember its song… Who knows, maybe you’ll have a Blue Elephant moment. :)

Serenity's Sanctuary - The Movement

Life is the movement of Aware Still Consciousness.

Life is the manifestation of this “Mystery” ~

the movement of this vast Stillness.

Life itself is “The Mystery” in endless, subtle movement

with Itself ~

*as* Itself ~

in form…

There is a rhythm to this movement

a rhythmic fluid movement

that intimately “interacts” with form,

like the Ocean lapping up on shore ~

The gentle, rhythmic movement of Consciousness ~

aware of Itself…

”The Movement” is Awareness Itself in the space of Quietude,

where everything falls back into

the Rhythm of Awareness ~ Awareing.

There is an invitation from this Still Aware Presence to

rest in this movement of “The Mystery” within you.

Be the Rhythm ~

Live the Rhythm ~

Aware…

Sweet Serenity…

Notes from my journal – 2009

Photo ~ Christine Kennedy

The Mystery in Geese

The other morning I was standing at the kitchen sink, puttsing. I happened to look up and out the window just as a very small flock of Canadian Geese flew over the roof top of the house behind us – maybe 150 feet away, close enough to bedazzle me and make my heart swoon… Yep, I’m a sap for Geese – especially Canadian Geese. I feel drawn to them. The sight of geese flying fascinates me. It was unusual to see them flying so low and so close. I followed them as long as I could, which wasn’t long as they were soon out of view flying below the tree tops. I wondered where they were going – probably a source of water, or a field. We have a lot of open fields and park areas around here with ponds, which draws them in. I felt a resonance – like a kindred spirit…

This week I have also had a familiar “visitor.” My “friend” anxiety and her close cousins jittery and antsy have been constant visitors for 3 days now – keeping me rather frazzled and frozen. It’s really time for them to leave. You know the old saying – fish and company get old after 3 days. I know these are deeply laid neuronal and energy patterns that keep running their groove when triggered by health and body issues, along with assorted other life stresses. And then I get anxious about the anxiety and off we go. The adrenals are now on over-drive, and every little thing now sets off the anxiety loop.

It’s amazing to me that I could have the previous insights about the nature of Existence with its constant fluidity and be caught in this frozen tundra of anxiety. When it comes it feels like an intense spiraling of energy winding its way through my body – contracting me - leaving me spent, unable to function. Maybe that’s why I hear the geese calling to me. It’s like a homing call to be free…

So I went in search of geese today, to watch and observe – to feel their call and sense their freedom. Geese seem to have a simplicity that attracts me. They innately know where to go, are content to fly wherever they need to, and are unaffected by the externals of life. Maybe that’s what draws me – being unaffected, undisturbed, by the externals of life – content to just Be – having an innate sense of knowing how to move through life – like all of nature.

I wonder why “we” humans have seemingly lost that instinctive, intuitive *sense* of knowing how to move *with* Life, with the natural Rhythms, with the Flow – how to live in harmony with Self - content. It seems to be the thinking mind that screws us up, that causes such inner conflict and turmoil. How interesting that we keep following the mind instead of our True Nature. (Not that the mind is an “enemy.” I like having the ability to think. It just doesn’t seem to know when to quit!).

The “spiritual teachers” say that all you need do is *identify as* Consciousness/Awareness and these “things” will subside – the mind will essentially “stop” and inner conflict will cease. This hasn’t been my experience – or maybe I just haven’t made “the shift” – which then keeps me searching for “the shift”, thinking I need to “get it” in order to be free of anxiety. It seems like that’s a set up for never feeling like I “got it” when I feel the twinge of anxiety or some other feeling deemed to be “unenlightened.”

So – how to be more like a goose…

They don’t obsess about health issues. They don’t worry about financial issues, or where they’re going, or how they’re going to get there. They just do. They innately know how. They innately know how to be a goose. So why am I having such a hard time *being* Who I AM!? - this fluid Conscious alive Awareness… How strange this cerebral cortex that seems to keep a lot of us from deeply *knowing*/experiencing who we innately ARE – the Pure Conscious Awareness that we constantly seek after (called the spiritual search) as if it’s somewhere else. What a strange way to live – this unknowing of and constant search for what we innately are…

So I keep watching my geese friends – simply living, deeply, innately themselves, deeply content, aligned with their Nature – instinctively knowing how to fly – following the Homing call…

Honk >> >>> >>>>

Life In Motion

I’ve been noticing this week that Life is always in motion. I know this may be a blinding flash of the obvious intellectually, yet actually *seeing* how Life moves, rising and falling, expanding and contracting, ebbing and flowing from day to day has made it a “knowing.” I have become more aware of how unaware I have been. I tend to look at life linearly, expecting, or projecting, that life will go a certain way, or get “better” one step at a time – but it’s all actually just Life in fluid motion: Pure Conscious Knowing Awareness moving in, through and *as* life experience – morphing into shapes, forms, colors, sounds, life circumstances and events. This has been an eye-opener, allowing a little more Light in – dazzling me with its brilliance.

*Everything* is in constant motion – everything - even those things that appear to be still. A tree is growing. Seeds are germinating. Snow is melting into another form. My simple cold turned into the “flu.” The intensity of the swell of love and emotion for my brother and anxiety over his circumstances diffused with the realization that Pure Consciousness is moving "him" through life - is moving *as* his life experience. Amongst these major movements and awarenesses, there are the smaller movements and awarenesses of the usual flow of life from day to day – whether I participate in them or not. This week it’s been mainly noticing and realizing how easy it is to engage in the emotional reactiveness that is still there – another movement; or the interpretations of what’s happening and the mental gymnastics about what to *do* about them – another movement - when in fact there was nothing I could *do* about most of it. It was just Life moving Itself. Consciousness, in its dynamic stillness, is fluidly moving as form and formlessness simultaneously. I’m now more aware of this movement of Consciousness Itself taking shape and form, color and texture, disguised as life experiences, thoughts and emotions.

From my noticing it appears that this Pure Consciousness is interactive in the way that it moves in and through life experience. It intermingles – never static, not separate - continuously moving with and as Itself – manifesting Itself *as* the manifest, in the experience. Like different paint colors coming together in a swirl – the same essence, yet different colors - morphing Itself into a new color; or like cosmic energy fields, swirling through space, morphing again and again, yet always in dynamic stillness…

It seems the way to get through the varied circumstances of life, then, is to move with Life – with Pure Consciousness Itself. Another blinding flash of the obvious. Yet, I so easily resist moving with this Conscious Creative Awareness. It’s like a dance really, using little nuances of movement, leaning into the movement of Life, letting it lead – making adjustments here and there, big or small, depending on the conditions. This week it appears it’s about seeing/feeling the movement more clearly, and adjusting to the Flow of Life, staying tuned to the subtle movements of Consciousness through being fluidly aware from moment to moment… Obviously more awareness is needed…

The little video above is music played to a visualizer. I am mesmerized by these. They are such a wonderful expression of the movement of life, the movement of Pure Consciousness, shape-shifting Itself continuously – Life in Motion. Enjoy!

It's only 1:52 long.

Video created by Christine

Music: "Beyond Words"
from: Music Bakery

Love In Motion

Yesterday afternoon my brother found out how fleeting life is – and everyone else did too, vicariously, through him. At the very least he found out how quickly life changes. He was coming down a ski slope on a mountain in New Hampshire where he works in the winter, although he was not working at the time. He lost control – no one knows how - left the slope and hit three trees. Fortunately he was skiing with a group of friends who saw it happen, and they were able to get to him quickly. He was face down and unconscious. He came to quickly, and evidently was in quite a bit of excruciating pain (and I imagine couldn’t breathe very well either.) He broke 5-6 ribs in several places, front and back; broke his shoulder blade; collapsed his lung and has a concussion. Fortunately there was no life threatening head trauma or spinal injuries. He was taken to the local hospital where he was stabilized and preliminary tests were done. Then he was transported by ambulance to the Maine Medical Center Trauma Unit in Portland, ME, nearly an hour away. They say he will be “okay,” although it will take several weeks of recovery. And with that many broken ribs I would imagine a lot of pain and difficulty breathing, as well.

I’m feeling emotionally impacted by this event – which surprises me… My brother and I were never close, yet I am deeply emotionally moved by *his* traumatic experience. I suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of *love* for my brother! And I am moved by that fact. Love has not been a free flowing emotion in my family, so I have been surprised, and a little unnerved, by these swells of repressed emotional waves. It also became important to me that my brother *know* that he was loved – to allow those swells of feeling to crash out onto the shore, be expressed – breaking free. Except I couldn’t talk to him…

It has also been a little unnerving not knowing exactly what’s going on, not being able to *do* anything, visualizing my 6’-2” little, obnoxious, stubborn-headed, invincible brother smacking into trees, helpless, vulnerable, and in pain. Plus, trying to get through to his life partner of 15 years, whose cell phone is not always working, finally making contact and hearing the trauma in her voice, was unnerving. I’ve spent a lot of time on the phone trying to find out as much as I can and keep my 81 year old mother encouraged with frequent phone calls.

So I would say I’m feeling a little challenged at the moment – challenged to keep perspective and not let the little me run off on its emotional journey of anxiety that often comes when I realize, over and over, that I’m not in control of where and how life goes. I’m also feeling challenged by this new movement of Love that I’m experiencing and don’t really know how to express. And I’m challenged by the uncertainties of life that this life experience made acutely clear. It is also clear that I can’t rescue anyone from their life experience or their pain and trauma. It has brought home, once again, the fact that life is just being lived - with its pain, sorrow, heartache, and trauma – in its Totality… You just have to show up. So I focus on what needs to be done, whatever is called for to meet this situation, and to offer what I can from 2000 miles away, or 30 minutes away – maintaining perspective and trusting in an ever-present Presence living Itself in *every* experience – Love in motion.

But it’s been a very weird day.

Photo - Bill Kennedy

Serenity's Sanctuary - The Heart

What we look for in another is what our Being is:

unconditional Love – Acceptance – Compassion.

Everything that we long for is just an *expression*

of that longing of the Heart ~

For Being – For Love

which gets substituted with longing

for objects, things, people, experiences.

What’s behind it is an innocent longing for “Home”

~ Oneness with the Divine ~

Freedom.

Let your innocent longing carry you to

the still Heart of Being.

Be at Home in the Heart of Being

within you.

Come into deep communion with

the Heart of Being.

Recognize IT in you.

Being is like a lover who knows you intimately -

an intimate knowing that holds who you are

in deep acceptance.

You are embraced,

you are touched,

like smooth ripples on a pond

that gently caress everything in their path -

and kiss everything in their unfolding.

You are deeply Loved…

Sweet Serenity…

Notes from my journals 2005

Fun-Qi Art™ :) - Christine

Simply Sitting With a Cold

This morning I woke up with a head cold. I haven’t had a cold in a very long time, so it *felt* like a “new” experience, although one I certainly remembered in a hurry – yuk. So – what to do… Well, nothing of course. Just simply let it take its course.

Fortunately my husband was away for the day, tending to business possibilities. So I had a reprieve of sorts to just relax and let the day be what it was – simply living – without having to be “up” for anyone or responsible for anything, not having to make anything “work” – including myself.

Underneath the cold symptoms I felt the usual sense of restlessness, my constant companion for several weeks now. I’ve been noticing how she seems to like to keep churning things up underneath the surface. I’ve just allowed her to be there. But today she kept me from being able to settle into the Flow of the Stillness underneath, so I decided to pay attention to her. I simply sat with her a while and noticed that she was really just mind clutter, constant mind distraction, constant thought percolating. So we talked and I asked her to go to the back burner, like that stew of life that’s been simmering there forever.

While she slowly and quietly simmered there, next to the stew, I was finally able to get a glimpse of the simplicity of Stillness. Not through *trying* to “meditate” – but simply sitting and allowing. Simply sitting provided a felt sense of sweet communion with Infinite Presence – just being with each other like old friends, feeling that comfortable familiarity - in silence. The more I go down this life path, the more I realize that this is how I want to live – in simple communion with Being, simply living, simply Being – just simple, simple, simple. But I am surrounded by “complexity!” – mine and others. My husband spends a lot of time in his head trying to figure things out. We engage in a lot of conversations about what is going through his head, the “business” stuff, life circumstances stuff, the financial stuff – stuff, stuff, stuff - and how we’re going to navigate the stuff. I am inclined to go right along with him in this mind stream, spending time in my head, trying to figure things out as well. No wonder I have a cold, I’m all “stuffed up!” But today I just wanted life to be simple, and simply lived. So I simply sat – with the cold, with restlessness, and with the inner Flow of Life.

At the end of my “sitting time”, I went to the kitchen to get lunch. As I did so, a phrase arose from within – “Simplicity has to do with the way you *approach* everything.” Okay – what does that mean?! See, the mind kicks back in and wants to complicate the answer by trying to find its meaning. I went back to sitting – just sitting.

The awareness from simply sitting today is that it’s this restless mind clutter that keeps me in a constant state of complexity and agitation, that stuffs up the simplicity of just Being. I’ve noticed that if I *approach* life’s questions, situations and circumstances through the mind, a downward spiral of complexity results – stuffing everything up. Evidently, as a society of seekers, we think that long, involved, wordy, mental “answers” to our questions are going to take us where we want to go. Instead they keep us mentating to the next thought and the next question and the next supposed “solution.” But it’s only a mind game of problem solving, coming up with supposed solutions – a mind approach that loses simplicity in the process, and creates more complexity and more questions – more things to figure out – more head stuff.

So, what if I my approach was to trust LIFE to take its course, like my cold; trust LIFE to show me how to move with it, to inform me, instead of constantly trying to swim upstream to the mind – seeking solutions. What if I let LIFE unfold the way it needs to – like a river returning to the Ocean– allowing that movement to carry me – responding from that space of Flow. What if I “decomplexify” (my new word:) my head and simply stay open to LIFE, not *needing* an answer or a solution, or to fix anything – as if it was “wrong” – just adapting to the flow of the River. What if I patiently wait for the answer to arise, to reveal itself, from a simple resonance with Being, rather than from the mind stuff… It’s not like I haven’t been here before, or haven’t felt that innate sense of “knowing” what was needed – through resonance. But once again I have “complexified” my life with head stuff, wandered off into the mind field, and am having to rediscover the simple approach – the *Essence* of simplicity – where wisdom just IS – where life gets unstuffed. :) All that from simply sitting with a cold!

Photo - Bill Kennedy

Serenity's Sanctuary - Nature

The Common Land

The common land – the land that belongs to Nature -

spreads out before me straw brown and velveteen,

carpeting the earth, plush and soft.

The colossal cottonwoods line the edges of the

common land and fill out the in-between spaces.

Like skeletal silhouettes, they reach up into the

cloud whisked sky, embracing the late afternoon sun.

The pond lies frozen at the distant end of the common land

like an opaque mirror unable to reflect.

Yet – adds its frosted image to the lullaby of the landscape.

There’s something comforting about the common land

in Winter that draws my soul and captures my spirit;

a soothing presence that plays its own mystical rhythm

around and through me.

The land in its dormancy provides solace;

allows me to hear the Stillness that surrounds me.

In this deep connection everything else loses its importance,

its priority, its urgency.

Perspective returns like a long lost, yet familiar friend,

and my spirit is released…

Nature ~ Sweet Serenity

Christine Kennedy

January 1999

Nature's Call

A difficult week here. Facing reality as it is has been intense.

Late Friday afternoon, needing to find a get-away, I drove to a place where I used to walk near an old agricultural canal. The path along the canal is rather wide, winding through open space, a wildlife refuge, huge cottonwoods and pines. Many people walk, jog and ride bikes here. From the parking lot there is a foot bridge to get over the canal to the pathway. When I used to walk here I would be about halfway over the bridge when I would feel myself take in a huge breath and relax – as if relieved by entering the gateway to nature. Due to health issues in the last several years I haven’t been able to take my usual walks here, and I have missed it. So Friday when I needed a respite, and didn’t have time to drive the 40 mins to my usual retreat place, I thought to take this quick drive to a familiar place and re-discover a familiar sanctuary.

Being late afternoon – after 3:30pm – the sun was far to the west leaving long shadows as it shone through the clouds. This long-shadowed light was comforting. I’m not usually out at this time of day, but I love the late afternoon sun. As I pulled into the dirt parking lot, classical music playing on the radio, I felt the familiar deep breath, and saw a hawk swooping in the sky. The tension began to subside. I found a space to park in the small lot at the end of the row, tucked away from the comings and goings in and out of the parking lot.

As I sat there taking in the scenery with my senses, I reflected that I needed to start seeing my situation with new eyes. I have to see it as a life *experience,* a new opportunity, as uncomfortable and intense as it is, and one that I would rather not be experiencing. I realized that life is just an experience, and we’re not guaranteed what experience we’re going to get, even if it’s due in part to our choices along the way. So I have to deal with what is - now – along with the discomfort, the frustration, the anger, sadness and grief. I have to *move* with the way life is moving.

I continued reflecting. Despite inner and outer life chaos I was beginning to feel the call of Nature – like a homing call. The still, yet fluid movement of Existence, in the scenery around me, was drawing me in from the outward experience of chaos. I watched as people walked their dogs on the path, and in the distant field near a frozen pond. It was quite pastoral and picturesque – and soothing. While sitting there it occurred to me that trees are just being trees, mountains are just being mountains (yes, there are mountains there), fields are just being fields, frozen ponds are just being frozen ponds, clouds just being clouds, hawks just being hawks. Everything is just being what it is. Life is just life – being lived, being experienced: people walking dogs, crossing foot bridges and fields – life falling apart and coming together. And of course it’s *all* Existence, all Consciousness, “The Mystery” disguised as trees, mountains, fields, frozen ponds, clouds, people, dogs, hawks. LIFE disguised as life.

I wrote in my journal that I know I need to open up to this particular experience of life, to the perfect brilliant experience of Life in all its expressions, all its experiences – including my present experience. This truth seems so obvious, and yet I find I need to keep seeing it – to be reminded of it again and again… And life is certainly providing those reminders in one form or another!

I just happened to look up from writing in my journal just as a flock of geese had taken off from out in the field. They were climbing into the sky, merging into the usual V formation, except for one. She went off in a totally different direction, all by herself – unfettered – following her own internal rhythm, her own nature – right over me. I couldn’t help but notice the metaphor and smiled. The Lone Goose – following her own path in flight…

I plan to return to my “new” sanctuary often. This time in nature, seeing the innate movement of nature, inspired me to want to experience life in a new way – more flexibly, more simply, as I also noticed this week that I seem to create a lot of complexity, and need to “decomplexify” – kind of like detoxifying I think. Life, it seems, is offering me/us this opportunity. I intend to go willingly, and see where this life experience goes… Who knows where I’ll/we’ll land…

Honk :)

Spirituality is the senses...

Since my excursion to the spice shop last week I seem to be more aware of my senses, of what I’m sensing, both internally and externally. They are like little whispers of the Heart – these senses. They come and go and leave their scent. They can come in many different ways and from many different sources – like the smell of spices, or ground coffee, or the sight of colors, or shadows on a wall; the sound of a bird, or the felt sense of an emotion like sadness, grief and anger – which I have been experiencing a lot of this week; or the subtle movement of Awareness within, bringing a sense of felt Presence. If I stay open to experiencing these senses, they open me and bring a sense of life. Sometimes these whispers can come through hearing other people.

Last night was just such a “hearing.” I was in my usual position, poised at the computer, headsets on, pen in hand, waiting, listening as Adya began his radio program, Café Dharma, in the usual way. I wasn’t expecting anything in particular, as sometimes it speaks to me and sometimes not - like anything else… However, as I listened, there seemed to be a whisper that wanted to be heard, so I thought I’d share it, in case you want to hear it too… These are excerpts from my notes. I have pieced them together to create a little flow and consistency…

“Spirituality is a *welcoming* into the deepest experience of life – into the deeper Reality. It’s not meant to be a struggle, or a lot of ideas… Come deeply into yourself, into *this* moment… We live lives of abstraction – thinking *about* life, living in the commentary of our lives and minds, or living in someone else’s commentary. (Oo – recognized that one.) Spirituality is a *welcoming* into existence, into life, into the Essence of what it means to be alive.”

“When we come into direct experience of our deepest nature, we experience that we are *all* made of Existence. This is our true body, not just the particular physical body. We are Existence Itself. We can actually know this for ourselves, in the depth of our being – that we ARE existence.”

"Open to your senses: hearing, feeling, sensing, smelling. Meditate with your senses wide open, feel what it *feels* like in your body to be sitting still – to *feeling* your body – to feeling you heart – to open your heart to what you’re *feeling.* This is what it means to be still. It means to really *be* all senses – wide open. When you’re in touch with all of your senses, that’s what leads you into the sense of Existence. It’s an aliveness. It opens you. To get out of your mind get into your senses. Relax into them, into the fullness of Existence. Just open yourself. Let Existence meditate you, breathe you and feel Itself *through* your senses. Existence longs for its own recognition of Itself – to remember Itself – to be fully conscious of Itself. It’s seeking to become fully conscious of Itself, to really *know* Itself. That is ‘spirituality.’”

“Open yourself, your senses, and be willing to be surprised.”

“To really open, pick something that has life, something you feel drawn to. Look at it the way you normally do – superficially – then look at it and feel into it. What does it *feel* like to look at it? What is it like to *feel* the *sight* of it, to touch it with your senses. It’s a depth of feeling and getting into your senses and out of your head. Pay attention to your senses. How does the object register when you see it from your Heart? (from feeling it). Consciously include your Heart in your perception. *Feel* it from the Heart. Just *feel* things. Open and feel and sense. Get into your senses. What does it feel like from the Heart level? This reconnects you with your senses. When we feel from the Heart it starts to open the Heart. *Experience* life from your Heart. The Heart is a sensory organ. Sensing from the Heart brings a felt sense of intuitive closeness – of intimacy. Just let that in...” Adyashanti

There it was again – the whisper that said - open, open, open – through the senses, through your life experience, through the visceral, felt sense of living - from the innate, felt sense of aliveness – Existence Itself.

Fun-Qi Art - :) Christine

Serenity's Sanctuary - Rest

Rest, just rest ~

deep rest

in the Rhythm ~

the internal, intuitive

fluid movement of Life

~ rest there ~

sense its fluidity

taste its scent

smell its color

feel its music

touch its texture

hear its whisper

see its sound

move with its Flow

its natural cycles

~ rest sweet rest ~

Sweet Serenity

Christine Kennedy

January 31, 2010

Fun-Qi Art™ - :) Christine

The Turning of the Wheel...

My restless simmering continues. The pot of stew is on the back burner, steadily simmering its little bubbles, like a subtle background noise that you can’t quite identify. An aroma of unsettledness permeates the house. Despite this, I was determined to take the Christmas tree down today - finally. For some reason I wanted to leave it up this month – not for sentimental reasons, but mostly for the warm glow of light that it emitted in the living room in the evenings. There was something inviting about its presence lighting up the bay window that I just didn’t want to disturb. Earlier this week, however, both my husband and I said: It’s time to take the tree down. There was that internal ‘Yes’ again. It was time. The movement was there. Maybe that’s what I was waiting for. I kind of like living my life according to this internal ‘Yes’ – living according to an internal movement, which is not always possible in these times and circumstances with its demands and over stimulations. At one point on my “path” I was drawn to Native American Spirituality and paying attention to cycles and rhythms – not only of the seasons but my own. This is also true in the Celtic traditions – living by the cycles of the sun and moon, with the inner and outer cycles; a kind of indigenous way of living and moving through life – a connection with earthy rhythms. The excursion to the spice shop yesterday, and its smells, got me back in touch with that sense of earthiness and timing and rhythms and cycles. And I will have to say that it feels good. There’s a different kind of internal channel that I’m tuning into here…

I put on a Deva Premal CD and listened to her melodious chants as I took each ornament off its artificial branch, dusted it off, and placed it back in its resting box waiting for another year. Suddenly and unexplainably I began to feel a strange sense of “endings” rolling through me – triggered no doubt by the dismantling of the tree. It felt very visceral and very strange. What bubbled up from the bottom of the pot of stew was a sense of death, and a very deep feeling of sadness and grief. The intensity of the wave that moved through took me by surprise. It left a thick mist of heaviness around me that lasted all afternoon – like the odor of a pungent spice that sticks. Not to sound morbid here folks, just sharing my experience. When my husband returned from his afternoon networking meeting, I told him what happened. He had experienced a similar feeling as well on the way to the meeting – a deep sense of sadness and grief… Oo-do-do-do, Oo-do-do-do… Is there something in the air? Maybe it was in that packet of spices I brought home…

The sense that keeps coming to me is that of endings, change and transition. The Celtic traditions use the phrase “turning of the wheel” when one season transitions into another, like now with the coming of Imbolg – translated: “in the belly of the mother” – waiting for birth, for expression – for the turning of Winter into Spring. In dismantling the tree I unexpectedly connected with something deeper within beyond my thought processes, something I can’t explain – something “indigenous” to life Itself – the felt sense of change, endings – and uncertainty. Unfortunately this only fueled the flames under my pot of restlessness.

So now what? I don’t know exactly… And maybe the “now what” doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s just about being available to the movement, tuning into the turning of the Wheel. It feels like the same sense of waiting for the ‘Yes’ that I’ve been experiencing lately – waiting for an internal movement. It’s a sense of moving *with* something larger than my-self, allowing *that* to move me. Sitting on the back burner - patiently waiting for the movement and expression of Life…

The Spice of Life...

Yesterday I got a comment from a blogger friend on The Stew of Life post that reminded me that one of the things I *love* is the smell of savory spices, which then led me down the path to where I usually go to experience those wonderful scents. In the Summer I can go out to my herb garden, swish around in the thyme, tarragon, lavender, basil, rosemary, and marjoram and smell those delightful aromas. And sometimes I bring the herbs in and dry them as aromatic reminders. But – I *also* have a favorite spice shop where I like to go and just inhale. Usually at Christmas time it is particularly pungent. It’s been two Christmases since I’ve been there. My mind wafted to the memory and I thought – YES! That’s where I need to go to experience the “spice of life” – to soothe the simmering stew – to make life a little more palatable. Sometimes I find serenity in the simplest of pleasures – aromatic spices is one of them.

So today, after cleaning the kitchen, I headed off to the spice shop near the Lo-Do area of Denver, tucked away on a side street. This particular spice shop is in an old building, with creaking wooden floors, and shelves and shelves of jarred spices and herbs – as I imagine an old Herbalist’s shop might be – a place for creating alchemy. There is also a glassed-in “spice room” where they grind the spices into powders. The shop has lots of ambience and atmosphere. It seems reminiscent of what I imagine the “old world” to look and feel like. When I have been there before, the spice shop, not the “old world”, the experience of the spices with their unique aromas has always soothed me. But today there was no person behind the glass grinding herbs, and no pungent odor of spices wafting through the air. A slight scent of disappointment arose within me…

In the back of the shop they have wooden bins where they sell small packets of several kinds of the crushed herbs - cheap. So I headed to the back and started sniffing, bin by bin – the financially challenged person’s cheap thrill… The aromas were delicious. My absolute favorite aromatic spice is Marjoram. The dried little pod-like buds - right after they’ve been crushed - create a very distinctive odor: clear, clean, crisp. If serenity had a scent this would be it – in my imagination. I found the Marjoram bin and sniffed and sniffed at the little package. But it didn’t give off that familiar fragrance. So I kept going from bin to bin. I finally found one that said: “Herbes de Provence.” Oo-la-la! Ahhh – a touch of “old world” - France maybe. The packet ingredients were a combination of several herbs & spices: French Thyme, Savory, Fennel, Rosemary, Marjoram (there it was!), Basil, Lavender and Tarragon… I knew I had to take this one home – open it up – crush it some more to release the savory scent, place small amounts in little open bowls, and set the bowls in my kitchen cabinets. Each time I open a cabinet door my imagination takes flight as I inhale the fresh aroma of “Herbes de Provence” – and pretend I’m in a country kitchen. I take a deep breath and feel - serenity…. My little reprieve from the simmering stew of life…

Imagination – the spice of life…

The Stew of Life

I am really learning how life is like a pot of stew these days. Some days you get the sweet meat and other days you get the turnips, depending on what bubbles up to the surface. It seems that “contentment” rolled her way back to the bottom of the pot and a variety of other morsels have rolled their way to the surface… It seems the “dark” and “light” are all in this stew together – floating around together – taking their turns, offering their savory tidbits.

Yesterday I was in a stew about many things and instead of just walking away from the hot stove I fell face first into the stew – splat. When I finally managed to pull myself out of the pot I had a lot of sticky gravy all over me and had to wipe it off with a rag of humility – and step away from the stove.

Such is life…

I keep dipping that big ladle in trying to find “contentment” again, hoping she’ll find her way to the top of the pot and grace me with her sweet aroma. So far no sightings in this deep, dark stew. I’m sure she’s still in there somewhere, but it seems in trying to dig for her she eludes me – jumping off the ladle just as I think I’ve caught a glimpse of her again.

So I’m skimming off the top… Not necessarily liking what has been dished up, but willing to sit and look at it a bit. Although yesterday I turned my nose up at it and was rather like a spoiled child who didn’t want to eat her Life Stew and stormed off wanting only the dessert – the sweet “goodies” of life… But that didn’t work. I still didn’t get what I wanted. And the pot of Life Stew continues to bubble up today – still simmering.

Last night as I lay in bed still awake at 1:15am it *finally* dawned on me to ask: What needs to be seen here? Ah – that diverted the mind off the “I don’t want to eat my stew” routine. *Something* is obviously being offered up here in this unsettled stew of life that keeps boiling and roiling with its potatoes, carrots, peas, onions, celery and yes – yukky turnips. And it appears I don’t get to pick what I want. Heh, heh, heh – Like I didn’t know that one already… I mean I didn’t fall off the turnip truck ya’ know… (sorry :) The sweet taste of contentment is not being offered on the menu this week so far, so it looks like I’ll need to chew on that piece of turnip for a while and see what nourishment it has to offer. Maybe I’ll add a spice or two to make it more palatable.

Am off to tend to the pot of life again and see what comes up – wish me luck!

I wonder where I left my cookie stash – just in case…

You notice there aren’t any turnips in the picture :)