Since my announcement in May that “window sitting” had resumed, there’s not been much window sitting. And I miss it. My husband’s new job requires that we get to bed earlier. We were both night owls before his job started, I would often window sit from mid-night to 1am, after he had gone to bed, when the house is completely quiet. Out of necessity we must follow a different pattern now. But the other night I was unable to sleep, and my restlessness was keeping him up. So I came to the window. It was like coming to an old familiar friend, just to sit and listen, just to be there in silence – at 3:44am…This late night, early morning, window sitting affords me a quiet respite of awareness, just awareness, just noticing the utter stillness – probably why I like coming to the window in the middle of the night.
I notice that in this wondrous Silence that suffuses everything, thinking subsides, becomes background noise, and Awareness takes over – That in us which is Aware – the essential Self - or however you name ‘This” that IS you.
So what is noticed that this Awareness is awareing? The soft sound of dogs barking in the distance, and maybe the yip of a coyote; the sound of a plane overhead; the smell of night; the physical sensation of sitting at a window – seeing; the headlights of a car on the distant road – and I remark to myself – who is out at 3:45am!?
A car stops at a neighbor’s house across the street, a man gets out and walks to their front door. Awareness watches curiously. The man walks back to his car and drives off. I cannot see, but I assume he delivered a newspaper… The event, simply Silence in a lovely ballet of movement.
Another car passes on the street. I had no idea that so many people were up at this time.
This Silence is so *full.* And I don’t mean full of things or activities – but the Silence embodies Fullness. It is Full of ItSelf, expansive and open. It is untouched by extraneous noises. It suffuses me and makes me *aware* of ItSelf – awareness aware of Awareness… It feels like “home.”
I notice that there are other neighbors up as well, lights blaring bright in their houses – have been all night – night owls like me maybe… Not sitting at their windows necessarily, but I wonder what keeps them up – these fellow insomniacs. Do they know the Silence? Do they know Its touch, Its breath, Its movement? Do they know IT is who they are? Do they even want to know? And does it really matter if they don't?
I don’t want to be so preoccupied with the extraneous structures of living that I don’t continuously, intimately experience this Silence, this Stillness that is the foundation of all being, all life – the awareness of which occurs for me at the window. Some call it impersonal Emptiness, Vastness, a Void. But I feel Its Fullness, Its Aliveness, Its Vibrancy, Its Intimacy, especially at the window when I can really listen, really hear it, really feel it.
I need to find a way to continue to come to the window, to experience the depth of Stillness that resonates here in this Heart… Because I’m not just coming to a window, just an object in Awareness – but to the vortex of Reality ItSelf; the Aliveness of Life – that just happens to be experienced at a window – a symbol of an opening. It’s all happening inside anyway – inside the window of my Heart. It could just as easily be my meditation chair, or in a bath tub. *Knowing* this Reality is the passion that enlivens this being – propels this being through existence – what animates this ‘me’ here and now. I can’t help it. It’s what’s in my Heart. I would actually stay up all night if I could, if this body didn’t need to function during the day…
Is this selfish, wanting to steal away to the window, to bask in this wondrous Silence, to want to *know* It, to experience This Silence that we are – that Aware, Awake, Alive space within that enlivens… I can’t imagine *not* wanting to *know* “This.” Is it selfish to want to hear and enjoy the music of this Divine Symphony and dance – like a mad woman dancing, moving breathing in unison with the Divine…? Is it delusional to not want to sleep-walk through life, only focused on what’s in front of my nose every day – not SEEing the Reality that is living this life with wide awake eyes? I think not…
The Silence draws everything into Its loving embrace, enfolding everything, wanting to be recognized – to be known. Once known, once felt, the personal and worldly concerns are seen in context as part of ever unfolding Life; Life expressing ItSelf, Being ItSelf.
Tree branches begin to sway in Its gentle breeze. Life dances in Its own music. Life sings to Its own Silence.
I hear the first bird waking up. It is 4:24 am. Others soon join in. I am up with the birds! They are so happy to be awake, chirping their melodious songs to each other, calling out their morning calls, waking each other up. Life waking up to ItSelf again, except that It’s been awake all night long! I would not have heard this wondrous morning oblation, this ode to Joy, if I hadn’t been awake at the window.
