Creative Window

I started this collage about a month ago, and finished it before my “window sitting” practice began in early August. Interestingly it reveals another window of seeing, expressing what matters to me most – the whispers of the Heart that call to me - and that evidently wanted to be expressed creatively – in this case through art collage.

After setting the initial pieces of the collage out on plain poster board paper, I decided to dig out a piece of my “Fun Qi Art”™ that I did ages ago with Cray-Pas oil sticks and use that as background. I collected pieces of quotes and pictures from my “collage files” that spoke to me. Particularly there were 3 quotes that resonated. The first one, in the center with ripples around it, is an Emerson quote that became the central theme. It says:

“Our life is an apprenticeship to the truth that around every circle another can be drawn; that there is no end in nature, but every end is a beginning, and under every deep a lower deep opens.”

The second quote, in the right upper figure of a meditator, is from Franz Kafka and says:

“Just become quiet, still, and solitary, and the world will offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”

And the third – the little blurb under the little oval picture of sail boats on the ocean at the bottom - is from someone named Andre Gide that says:

“One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.”

In the finished collage there are themes of imagination, wonder, opening to life, movement, opening and listening to the Heart (and the stars :). There is a strong theme of deepening, and sitting in inner Stillness where Mukti – Freedom – lives – where the “truth” reveals itself – the “truth” about mySelf, the world, and Existence… There is a stargazer, a meditator, and maybe even an adventurer, although I don’t see myself that way. I have a hard time letting go of the shore :) Yet, there it is, the invitation to let go of the shore and discover new lands, new ways of being and seeing… There’s a big ocean curl wave with the words “primordial experience” in the center – symbolizing the pull of the Primordial Womb of Life – the deep Stillness of the inner Heart of Being.

There’s a woman sitting at the edge of the ocean, as viewed through a window (!), with the words: “Days that pass simply and quietly…” Ah yes… another whisper of my Heart – to let go of the complexity that I also create and come, sit and be joyfully still - just BE. And then there’s little picture of a small cabin in the woods, surrounded by water, pines and mountains with a fluid aurora borealis overhead. It found its way into the piece as another whisper calling to me – a call to living simply in Nature.

Underneath all of that are the squiggles of color that in some places appear entangled. At first they spoke to me of chaos, maybe an inner chaos, or a level of chaos underneath that keeps me entangled – as well as the emergence of creativity through chaos, and the presence of Stillness in chaos. Sometimes I also see these colorful, unending, interconnected lines underneath it all representing the thread of Beginnings and Endings that run through life, as well as the unbroken thread of the fluid Rhythm of Beingness that is the ground of all existence.

There are so many ways to look – to see through this creative window that offers a glimpse of what calls to my heart every night through “window sitting”: Imagine, Listen, Deepen, Let Go, Open, Stillness…. Freedom…

~*~

Heart Window Opening

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=BGODurRfVv4

We all need a little inspiration now and then,
and a reminder to just be who we are;

to know that we are loved the way we are...

Click on the link under the picture for a heart-opening video :)

Multi-view Window

“Window sitting” calms me. It seems I am more aware, not only of what is happening all around me, but there’s more awareness of what is Aware within me, of what is seeing through these eyes with night vision – and day vision…

“Window sitting” keeps me “sane” – meaning - it enables me to meet the day with equanimity. It allows me to see life through a different lens – the lens of awareness; a multifaceted lens, like the fresnal lens of a lighthouse that allows for limitless light reflection over greater distances. And – it allows me to see through multiple windows as well, like a lighthouse with a 360 degree view through different panes of glass. This multi-view window of awareness keeps me sane in the sense that it seems to be keeping me from being swallowed up by story, by drama, by others, by thinking, by life circumstances… This window of awareness gives me a broader view, one in which the story of a separate “me” is beginning not to matter anymore…

Listening

inwardly and outwardly,

simultaneously.

Awareness

within and without,

simultaneously.

Just sitting

Just listening

Just aware-ing

Just Seeing…

New portals of awareness open up…

~*~

The picture is from a calendar we once had.

The photographer is unknown.

It is the Haceta Head Lighthouse in Oregon.

Raising the Window...

In window sitting, late at night, in the dark, there seem to be many questions that arise out of curiosity, like: Is Consciousness/Awareness aware that it is aware? Can Consciousness/Awareness be aware of ItSelf? Is it true that Awareness/Consciousness is all there is? After all there *are* apparently “things” here… I mean I see trees, and houses, and plants, and animals, and people driving cars while sitting at the window every night… Then there was a “question” posed to me yesterday from a fellow “window sitter” who emailed me and said: “Sometimes in these meditations it seems there can be this seeing of this space identical with divisionless existence… but there is still the experience of something ‘other.’”

I gave a preliminary, rambling answer and then pondered a while.

And later, what arose was this:

The “seeing” is the recognition that there is no “thing” *separate* from the Essence or Essential Nature of Being; that certainly Beingness ItSelf – Spacious, Awake, Aware Presence - can and obviously does manifest ItSelf *as* many different “things”: trees, people, animals, thoughts, flowers, music, art - dark and light, pain and joy. And yes, even our personalities, our egos are not “other” than, not separate from this essential Nature of all that is. It’s like seeing that there’s an alive flow of energy through it all. And so the *idea* of separateness, of “other”, of duality, doesn’t really matter anymore, because you realize that what you see is this all-pervasive Beingness morphing ItSelf into many forms. And – it is realized that there is only a *sense* of ‘other’ that isn’t essentially real…

Later that night, during “window sitting” I couldn’t help but continue to ponder this. And once again the window of Seeing was raised, or is that the blinds: Being-Self sees ItSelf in and as everything. It Sees ItSelf as tree, as cloud, as us – no separation - as everything that exists… Being ItSelf has no sense of “other,” has no concept of separation, or duality. It only sees ItSelf…

~*~

Window Pull

Body settles more easily…

Entrainment with the Inner Rhythm,

more natural…

I feel a pull, pulling me into the inner depths,

to an inner window,

an inner Awareness.

Thoughts drift

Noises fade

Awareness arises:

When I don’t *want* anything to “happen”,

I relax into this inward pull…

When I don’t *need* anything to “happen”,

I relax into the way it is…

Kind of like life…

“Life holds no promises,”

wafts through my head.

A reminder to hold onto nothing;

to expect nothing *from* life;

that there is nothing in it for the “me”…

The pull of the inner window

reminds me to just relax,

without turning away from the window – the seeing…

without turning away from life – the experiencing…

without turning away from

the depths of Awareness…

~*~

Silent Window...

Last night I found myself feeling disappointed during “window sitting” because nothing was “happening” – no great insight, or wisdom – just Silence. As I discovered, sometimes Silence is truly silent… Imagine that! I was hoping for the bells and whistles – a juicy story *about* the Silence. However, as It showed me last night, It cannot be contrived, or demanded – only met, on its own terms… And last night It appeared to be hiding behind a veil – or was that me….

And of course the “Silence” that I speak of is not an “It’ – an object, a persona, a “something” to be objectified, achieved, grasped, owned, something to be made into an experience. It just is… So I’m trying to be conscious of not creating “story” around the experience, and focus on just be-ing there (here) – aware - *allowing* the experience to be what it is each night – learning to *rest* in this silent Stillness that cannot be named – except I do try to name it by using allegories and metaphors. I try to give it substance and meaning. Like this: By Stillness/Silence, with a capital “S”, I mean the inner alive Stillness/Silence that is our true Nature, which of course is also found in Nature, because it is LIFE Itself. This “essence” of Life is pure Aware Stillness/Silence. It is what animates everything and what everything arises in and from – like thought, feeling, story, creativity, mind… They all find their origins in the Aware Stillness/Silence that just IS. They all fold back into that as well… And – that’s also not IT. Like the Tao says: “The Tao that can be named is not the Tao…” It’s just our *idea* of it… It’s my *idea* of Silence/Stillness – and so my *idea* didn’t show up last night. You get the idea. :) After an hour I schlepped to bed feeling a bit like a five year old who didn’t get her bedtime story… I was a bit pouty…

As I’m discovering, my “window sitting experience” sometimes brings a deeper awareness of THE Stillness that permeates everything, that connects everything through the energetic “thread” of Silent Awareness that is aware - and evidently sometimes it doesn’t! Kind of like any meditation - sometimes there are deep, profound insights and sometimes the mind fidgets the whole time… One of my challenges is not to get caught in anticipating an “exquisite experience”, or a consistent experience. The other is to not judge the experience because I couldn’t feel it, or experience it the way “I” wanted to, because there were no “goodies” for my mind to wrap itself around. Sitting with Stillness is not about entertaining the mind- or satisfying the ego’s need for experience. It’s about just being with what IS…

THE Stillness just IS. It is what the stillness of the night exudes, what Nature dances to. It is the Sacred Silence that sings… And so I sit in the window each night to remember this – even when it appears to be absent – which of course I know it isn’t… How could that which IS be absent… I just sometimes don’t see beyond the veil of my own expectations…

I still look forward to coming to the window. It humbles me, makes me aware, and continues to show me a new way of being, even when it is silent: being still and just listening; not projecting my ideas of what the experience is supposed to look or feel like - just allowing the Silence of Life to come to me in its own way – simply sitting…

~*~

“Are we willing to be still, go deep, and listen to the Silence… The eternal is indeed at home within us. Wisdom is not acquired through learning about ideas – but arises from the depth of Silence. Being awake means being here for what is here, not there for what we *hope* to experience… As soon as we stop struggling against…we discover the Stillness that is perpetually present. It is the Timeless dancing *as* time…”

Dorothy Hunt.

~*~

“There is a field beyond ideas….. I’ll meet you there…” Rumi

~*~

Trusting in the simplicity of Stillness

let Life come to you…

Resting in the simplicity of Silence

Life will find you…

MeANderi

~*~

photo - Christine

Spacious Seeing Window

Cloudless Sky

Sacred Silence

Uncontrived

Unsought

Just Silence…

There is only Sacred Silence,

a fathomless, infinite depth of Light…

And everything is That…

Clear

Tangible

Alive

Spacious Being...

Spacious Seeing…

~*~

“If the doors (windows) of perception were cleaned (clear)

everything would appear to man as it is, infinite…”

William Blake

“You do not have to go away outside yourself

to come into real conversation with your soul (Self)…

The eternal is at home…within you.”

Meister Eckhart

”This universe is not outside of you.

Look inside yourself;

Everything that you want,

you are already that.”

Rumi

Photo - street light through tree branches

Window Whispers...

Tonight I feel more like an indigenous native, becoming familiar with my surroundings, sitting in my tree house high in the trees, waiting for a night adventure, rather than the lady of the castle sitting in her turret window, waiting for her lover… “Silence” appears in many disguises…

The night is still and muggy. There is no breeze. There are the usual sounds and noticings.

Mind has figured out what we’re doing here, so it’s anticipating the experience, like a dog looking for mischief, seeing what it can get into. This is not what “I” had in mind, but I’m willing to play along for a while to see if this dog-mind will wear itself out. And like any good spotter dog, there is a new noticing. The back bedroom lights of the house diagonally behind us through the trees are on – blinds closed. I have not noticed this light before. Dog-mind is captured by this. The light goes off. Then it goes on. Then out. Then on. This goes on several times and dog-mind thinks – WHAT are these people doing!?

I coax dog-mind in from its distraction by focusing on the breath and, once again, cup head in hands on the window sill, and try to focus my energies on listening with my whole body. This is more difficult than I expected. Dog-mind is relentless in its need for adventure. I fidget and move and squirm, trying to find just the right position… In frustration I nearly call it quits prematurely…

Settling happens…

Stillness arrives and awareness arises with it…

In the stillness of the night I am aware that inner vastness and outer vastness are the same. That what I am waiting for is already here. I begin to lose the sense of inner and outer, of mind and Stillness, of me and night, of physical me and Spaciousness, of “other.” There’s no sense of boundary. It’s all the same – unbounded and uncontained. My sense of inner spaciousness and outer spaciousness is really one Spaciousness. Only my elbow on the window sill reminds me there’s a physical body sitting at a window (a hole in a wall) in a chair. Only my elbow and my mind remind me of solidity. But – there is no solidity, no inner and outer, only Spaciousness – all encompassing Vastness – unencumbered by definition or experience or feeling or sensation. Just Isness.

Suddenly cool air rolls in through the window and touches me gently on the arm, making me aware of its presence. Another awareness arises: If you sit long enough, with no agenda, or expectations, without giving up, Silence makes ItSelf known. It touches you through the window, through the opening in whatever wall we have constructed, and whispers its message on a gentle breeze in the night.

~*~

Window Sitting - Night 3

I now eagerly look forward to my time at the window each night! I hope you all aren’t getting bored… I am just having way too much fun sitting each night, and writing about my experiences!

Night 3 is a Fall-like night with temps dropping into the low 60’s and a strong breeze that makes it feel chilly. So, in anticipation, I dawn my holey sweater – that is holes, not holy - :) and my holey socks for my midnight tryst.

I approach the window at the appointed hour with anticipation, wondering what awaits at this new found portal of awareness – like a clandestine rendezvous with a secret friend. Dare I say “lover.” Well a secret friend-lover that everybody has, that is. You know, the One called – “Silence” – the Vast, Spacious, Ubiquitous One…

It takes me longer to settle in for some reason. There is a restlessness and an angst rising in my gut. I fidget, trying to get comfortable in my seat. The sky traffic is heavy tonight. There are many blinking lights overhead, and the sound of a helicopter cuts through the night air. Three cars and a truck pass on the street. I can hear the rustle of the leaves in the trees more strongly as the wind blows more fully now. The smell of wetness fills the air from the rain earlier in the afternoon.

“Silence” is not readily apparent tonight. It eludes me – as vast as it is. So I put my elbows on the sill and cup my face with my hands and shut my eyes. I breath deeply – listen – and wait.

The wind blowing strongly through the leaves sounds just like the waves of the ocean – like the rising and falling sound of the waves as they crash onto the shore and then slide back into the sea. There is a similar rising crescendo that fades as the wind waves through the leaves…. I am mesmerized by the sound.

There is a lot of inner noise tonight as well. I am aware of sensations, feelings and discomforts rising in the body – like waves. There is the noise of “fear.” Imagination begins to create stories… Will there be a coyote? Will it jump the back fence? What was that shadow I just saw? Could there be somebody in the back yard? What if “Silence” doesn’t show up!? Ah – it’s just that boogieman - the mind. It likes to hide in the shadows and scare me…

I sit back into Stillness again, waiting for the entrainment with “Silence” – allowing my mind to drift.

Listening outwardly into the night becomes a deep inner listening for the sound of Silence within - listening for the footsteps of this silent lover on the stairs; waiting for the felt sense of the inner spaciousness of Love’s Presence. Sitting with heightened awareness, I notice the winds die down – externally and internally. Sinking below thought, feeling, and sensation I fall into the embrace of “Silence”- who has been waiting for me all along. I feel the Rhythm of Its breath like a breeze through the window of my Heart. Sitting back in the chair, I lean into the embrace, leaving the externals as they are, and find the familiar solace in “Silence” who has always been there – waiting for me to surrender. Awareness comes to rest within ItSelf.

Content, I give in to the call of sleep, and glide down the hall to bed…

~*~

Open Window - Night 2

I am now committed to coming to the window every night – to experience this depth of Silence that fills the air, that fills life – that fills me! It just seems more palpable at night – when the world around me is quiet – when the Silence is more accessible.

Tonight seemed to be about just noticing – just seeing. After a few minutes of sitting in the open window, smelling the pungent, cool night air, I became aware of what I was noticing – just aware-ing. There was so much out there to notice! So much to *see* in the dark… Everything comes alive in this wonderful Silence! – including the Silence!

There were green apples on our neighbor’s apple tree that over-hangs into our yard thatshown like little pale green lights in the glow of our back light, like little green specks of light.I had never noticed this before, and I marveled at them – just hanging there - of course, that’swhat apples do! :)

Crickets chirped in the background and there was the sound of a faint wind chime tinkling…

The two octagon windows that flag either side of the chimney on the house next door werelit up like 2 eyes looking back at me - seeing me, me seeing them – just seeing each other -

seeing the night…

Clouds were highlighted bright white against the night sky.

I wondered *how* - why were they so bright…

Stars twinkled in the in between space of the clouds – inspiring a moment of magic:“twinkle, twinkle, little stars – more wonder…

Light and shadow danced everywhere...

There was so much more! I was just taking it all in, as if actually seeing for the first time -or maybe just seeing in a new way, with wonder and innocent eyes…

Now I know why cats love to sit in windows!

And then, sitting in this exquisite Stillness, an internal invitation arose…

It was as if the Silence wanted to play, wanted to dance.

It was inviting “me” to enter – to engage – to play – to delight in its Existence!

There was a joy to this Stillness, the ‘This’ that permeates the nightthat I haven’t felt in a very long time.There was a recognition in me of this Stillness – this Aliveness –

this Playfulness that wants to play and laugh.

There was an acute awareness that this alive Stillness is the backdrop/backgroundfor the play of Consciousness that plays ItSelf out here every day.Nature knows this, is on to this. “We” apparently just don’t “see” it, don’t notice –are not aware – until the Silence beckons…

And in this recognition I realized that all my stories are non-issues!

Silent laughter arose within…

There is only laughter at what I think is so serious about life…

There is only playfulness with life here in this Silence…

I hate to say goodnight to this - this palpable aliveness of Silence…

But I know, *I feel*, that I am held by the Silence… The Divine Embrace…

Goodnight stars, goodnight clouds, goodnight crickets, goodnight night…

All is completely well…

~*~

Open Window Meditation...

After my 3 am rendezvous with the deep Silence of the Night last week, I decided I wanted to try this as a meditation every night, just before bed. So I moved a bookcase and placed this chair at my window. Monday night, at about midnight, I came to sit, after the house was quiet and there would be no interruptions.

I turned to face out the window, leaning on the window sill, pressing as close to the screen as possible, breathing in the night air and the silence. What a delightful experiment this has turned out to be! Gazing out the window into the night is calming and soothing, heightening awareness of the Stillness, the Silence that permeates everything. It opens me, expands me. Of course there are street lights, and distant building lights and backyard lights and lights in neighboring windows, and the sound of occasional car that passes on the street – but there’s Stillness in a way that is tangible – almost magical.

In the faint light I tried to make a few notes on a scratch piece of paper of what I was aware-ing.

Nothing in nature is struggling…

Everything is at peace…

Everything in nature is the Silent stream of Peace –

the Eternal Stillness…

The trees are peaceful.

The plants in the neighbor’s garden are peaceful.

The grass is peaceful.

Everything is exquisitely peaceful…

I feel myself returning to what I know to be true –

to the authentic Stillness within,

allowing myself to be touched by the Stillness…

Befriending Silence…

Recognizing this deep space of Silence within.

There is a feeling of intimacy,

as this still Silence wraps itself around me,
embracing everything that it is,

infusing everything…

It is so palpable, so real…

Basking in the Pure Silence of the night –

just listening,

just experiencing,

just Be-ing - Stillness…

~*~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
Aug. 4, 2010

What Music Are You Hearing?

You may think that I’ve just been bee-bopping to the music here since my last post on “hearing the music.” Ah – that would be nice wouldn’t it… However, I took a rather deep dive into a more somber space of feelings this past weekend. The upsurge of enthusiasm and “new direction” for life waned. I tried listening to different kinds of music, but nothing resonated. It was like putting on a band-aid – the feelings underneath were the same. The band-aid changed nothing.

I happened to read a blog that had a short video clip of Pema Chodron talking about “feelings”! In it she said that many times we “attempt to entertain ourselves out of the feeling” – but that “what we feel is a key to something” that needs to be seen. It occurred to me, when I heard that, that I was attempting to use music to try to fix my feelings, or cover them over; to hang on to the enthusiasm the music had instilled just a couple of days before… I was attempting to *feel* “better” – to *try* to create a shift – rather than allowing and acknowledging the feelings. So I stopped the music, and sat with the feelings. They were pleased to be heard. No longer sounding like heavy metal music screeching in my body-mind, they moved into a new rhythm.

As an on-line friend recently pointed out to me, feelings whether labeled “good” or “negative” are just currents of energy that carry a message, if we are willing to listen. I know this from experience. And sometimes, as with life, the only way out is through. So I went through what I was feeling – allowing them, meeting them, allowing myself to hear them. And what I discovered, basically, is that I have been swept up in the surface currents of life – the choppy waves of thought and emotions – responding and reacting to life circumstances – going from circumstance to circumstance putting out fires, so-to-speak. There was a sense, in sitting with all this surface commotion – aka feelings - that I needed to go deeper – to open myself more fully to the Life Current that flows through everything – including feelings. For months now I have been bobbing around on the surface of life, trying to keep my head above water, when what I really need is to open fully to the inner Current of Life – to swim in the “deeper” currents – to *hear* the inner music – The Rhythm. But it seems that life events pop me to the surface and carry me to a different tune than what I hear inside…

Life keeps requiring me to dance to the music of others it seems – through life circumstances that I have no control over. My sister called me Weds afternoon to tell me that my mother had been taken by ambulance to the Hospital ER in severe pain and shortness of breath. I immediately went to meet my sister there. The doctors could not determine exactly what was wrong, except they *thought* that she may have a perforated peptic ulcer that had somehow closed itself off – but they weren’t sure. It was a guessing game even with all the testing they did. Her pain subsided after she had some medication. She spent the night in the hospital for observation. We took her home the next day. Both my sister and I are dancing to this new music with my mother out of necessity. It appears that this particular tune is also part of the Flow of the Current… And yet – it feels so dissonant – like I’m hearing the “wrong” notes or dancing to somebody else’s tune… I wish I could say that I am resting in Awareness with it all, but it feels more like wave surfing 101. Sometimes I stay on the board and sometimes I wipe-out… Aware-ing may actually be a new skill I have yet to master – surfing the waves of life.

Last night was a sleepless night – after 2 days of choppy waters – and not feeling well myself physically. After only a few hours of restless “sleep”, I was up at 3am, went to my desk and just started listening to the silence of the night through the window. I became aware of the *depth* of stillness - a deep space of Silence – feeling the breeze. My mind and heart relaxed. I felt my-self drop down below the surface and hear the music from within, from the still space of pure Awareness – the beautiful Silence that sings. Dropping into the Silence inside - listening, feeling the music within - I could experience the Current without the choppy surface waves, without the distractions that come with living on the surface… It reminded me that maybe it matters what music we are listening to, what music we are hearing – the cacophony of the surface, or the deep melodious music of the inner Rhythm.

“I must find the song lines that run through my life,

the melodies that remind me of what I really am,

and call me gently back… I must learn to dance…”

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Hanging 10 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~*~

Photo is of a poster we have.

I do not know the artist...

Can You Hear The Music?

Yesterday morning as I pattered down the hall after arising, heading for my office to check emails, on the way to the kitchen, I heard music wafting through the air. This was a strange sound, as normally we do not have music playing when we arise in the morning – let alone very lively Celtic music from the show “River Dance.” I checked my emails, then went to the top of the stairs and peered over the railing to the kitchen expecting to see my husband dancing the jig – in his underwear no less :) But - no, he was just making coffee, engulfed in the music. The next song I heard was from Smokey and the Bandit: “East bound and down, loaded up and truckin’, we’re gonna do what they say can’t be done. We’ve got a long way to go and a short time to get there. East bound, just watch ole’ bandit run.” By this time I’m in full belly laugh, wondering what the hell is going on. The last time I heard this song we had packed up everything and moved to Washington DC – 26 years ago! It was our theme song riding across country. Is there a message here? Are we going somewhere? I mean I know we’re making some necessary changes here, becoming unencumbered with life’s encumbrances and all – turning grit into pearls, but I had no idea it would elicit such exuberance!

I was informed that he thought it would be a good way to start the day from now on - lively, get it in gear, get stuff done kind of music. It definitely got the chi going. I admit I like the new atmosphere. I like the sense of motivation, get ‘er done kind of attitude – the actual participation and engagement in where life is going at the moment, which is better than the stagnation we’ve been experiencing on all levels of living for several years now – despite my nagging attempts to affect change – silly me. Seems one does not *get* the “lesson” until one gets it. It has to be *seen* by the one needing to see it… Evidently it has been seen – thus the music…

And so here we go – life with a new attitude… Please hang on to the bar. Life is moving through…

This morning I awoke to the Moody Blues’ song - “The Voice.”

These lyrics captured me:

“…can you hear the spirit calling

as it’s carried across the waves

You’re already falling.

It’s calling you back to face the music,

and the song that it is coming through.

The one that it’s calling is you…

…understand the voice within,

feel the change already beginning…”

Life is changing. The piper is calling. I just need to hear the music that is coming through – and dance…

~*~

From Grit to Pearl

Sitting on Sunday morning the image of a pearl arose and I remembered that a pearl is formed *through* irritation. A piece of sand or grit gets in the oyster and the oyster starts making a pearl around the irritant with layers and layers of pearl-essence, turning and turning the grit until it’s covered with a beautiful, shiny sheen.

And of course, loving metaphor as I do, I saw the association with the grit of life, the irritations of life, the aggravating, challenging circumstances of life that create multiple layers of irritation – and - the creation of a pearl. The oyster seemingly takes this grit, without complaining, and makes something beautiful of it… Or is it that something beautiful emerges *from* the grit of life, if we work with it, sit with it, roll it around, not spewing it out, but allowing it to be what it is, seeing it for what it is – the potential for beauty… The beauty of the pearl is a *result* of these layers of irritations and aggravations of life in a seeming process of metamorphosis…

What is revealed *through* the irritations, is this living essence of the pearl that in some ways created itself *because of* the irritations, through the rubbing and chaffing of the grit of life… As in – the irritations, the challenges of living, are still the Essence, revealing It’s beauty. The irritations and challenges of living *are* the living Presence emerging, or unfolding ItSelf , in and through what our minds and bodies find irritating and uncomfortable - if we give it a chance, if we stay with it, engaging in the experiences rather than running from them. If we learn to see the way the oyster sees :) – Ah – grit, let’s see what I can do with that…

And what is seen is that the beauty and wisdom of the irritations emerge over “time” it seems - or what appears to be time – waiting to be discovered within the shell of what I know to be “my life.” It is realized that the pearl is the culmination of many layers of realized wisdom that are formed along the way, from the nitty-gritty of living life as it is.

Even if we’ve had spontaneous awakenings to the Truth of our Essence, it seems life continues to give us experiences that expand the expression of the unfolding of that Essence, of Consciousness ItSelf, *through* the irritations and challenges of living. It’s an ongoing emergence, realizing that the totality of the experiences of life expands our awareness until it is ultimately realized that we are the wholeness of Being that we’ve been seeking – as we are – gritty as that may be…

It’s a shift in perspective from grit to Pearl…

~*~

Discovering the Real "awakening?"

Sitting at the hairdresser again last Friday, waiting for my mother, getting another chance to read one more chapter in Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, I realized that maybe life does indeed present us with what we need to open our hearts – on this road called “awakening” – or whatever name we give it that we are supposedly doing here. :) Maybe it could be called the road of ever increasing “aware-ing.”

I have heard it said by many teachers that whatever you are living now you have asked for. I have resisted that statement because I have taken it literally. I did not specifically ask for my life circumstances - to have to tend to my mother’s needs or be of help to her in the way that I am now on a daily basis. Neither did I ask to be so engaged in my sister’s crisis of life over the past several months. The three of us are now entwined in each other’s lives in a way that I never expected. Yet, here we are - life as it is: awkward, stressful, riddled with feelings, emotions, and the tensions of unresolved family dynamics – as well as – the laughter and care and concern for one another’s well-being.

What I did ask for, several years ago when I was very ill and *thought* I was dying – an illusion of my body/mind – was that I wanted to be a presence of love. Now when I requested that back then I was romanticizing this idea that I would suddenly be “enlightened” and become this flowing, loving Presence – like some fairy god-mother I guess, spreading love like fairy dust over the world… I used to think the goal was to “awaken” *from* life as it is, and then everything would be “different.” I’d be more loving, more compassionate; life would be easier, more fluid; things would just fall into place…

Ah, the Universe – it’s such a jokester.

Instead, since that declaration of what I assumed I wanted to be, and what I assumed I was missing, I have been given many, many *opportunities* to *be* this Presence: to show up for others, like now with my mother and sister… Not all of them were recognized as such, and I certainly did not “show up” in every circumstance in a way that was beneficial, nor meet life circumstances with my *idea* of what “love” is supposed to look like – no fairy dust or magic wand. Mostly I saw these opportunities that life offered as obstacles to what I *imagined* myself becoming – which of course was radiant and glowing, oozing with love and light. In reality life has been lived down in the trenches, in the practical everydayness of living – with dirt on my face. Seeing myself in this way is sometimes hard to swallow… Mirror, mirror on the wall – heh, heh, heh – I’m not the fairest after all…

As I read along in the chapter on “compassion” I began to feel the stirrings of the heart again as she wrote about staying open to life and others - about keeping the heart open and attending to whomever you are with and their real needs in every moment. That hit home, in my present circumstances… She wrote: “the awakened heart is the full realization of our nature. We let ourselves be touched by life, and our hearts naturally open and engage…” This is what I really wanted when I asked to be a presence of love way back when – to be open and engaged… I just didn’t expect that it would come through the details of the practical circumstances of daily living…

Keeping the heart open it seems is the Real “awakening”, not floating in Awareness – disengaged from life – dismissing everything and “others” as an appearance only, but seeing beyond the appearance to the Real – the Real in form – being touched by the Real and what is *really* happening in our lives and the lives of others, and meeting that with an open heart… Showing up for life and doing what is needed. Allowing myself to be touched by others and their life circumstances means allowing my heart to be vulnerable and open, aka loving – as awkward as that feels. And yes, I know there is no “other”, but how often I have blindly dismissed others as not being real, but just an appearance, part of the illusion, the dream, unreal… I bought into the dream of separation by denying what’s really happening - life as it is…

Am I “awakened”? I don’t know… I don’t even concern myself with that question anymore… It seems that question is/was just a part of “my story.” Am I a “loving Presence”? Not in the way I had it pictured…

I am however, aware-ing – taking my heart blinders off and meeting life (and others) with awareness, *recognizing* the opportunities to be present with as much consciousness and presence as possible; not denying or rejecting anything life offers – well maybe not completely just yet – allowing myself to be ever increasingly aware of and open to the opportunities that life offers to be present to others as they are – warts and all; being open and vulnerable. Nothing grandiose, nothing “enlightened,” no ooey-gooey love, just discovering the Real in life…

~*~

Beneath Life's Stories...

My mother and I have had a difficult relationship over the years – two wounded hearts that could never really be open to each other. I keep an emotional distance. I have wished that it could be different. Is this the same as not accepting life as it is I wonder? I have wanted a loving, trusting relationship with my mother, while at the same time guarding myself from her - guarding my heart from further woundings - not wanting to reveal myself, or my Self for that matter. How easily the relationship between a mother and a daughter can contract into woundedness over and over again. And yet – I realize this is just a story.

In my story, I wonder if I have somehow misunderstood her; that somehow it was me that didn’t “get her” – rather than the other way around. I try to see what other people see in her – the kindness, the goodness, the self-sacrificing piety that people revere – even if I know it’s just a front for not feeling good about herself. What I continue to see, however, is the judgmental, critical, not good enough, bitter, nobody else can do it right kind of thinking, and the constant critical commenting about what she likes and doesn’t like about others. And of course people are never who she wants them to be – but these are my stories, my perceptions… It doesn’t hook me like it used to – and yet I remain cautious…

All these stories are bubbling up once again , spending so much time with my mother. I am caught on the story channel. And of course I *recognize* what is happening. I just can’t seem to see through it clearly...

I think to myself that I should be different with her, that I should be able to keep myself open to her, to see her differently, to see the Beingness that she is – to just rest in the Greater Context of Life *with* her, and let all these stories float through, unaffected by it all…

Friday I took my mother to the hairdresser for her weekly hair appointment. As my mother sat in the chair I could hear her gossiping – storytelling. While she was under the hairdryer a woman with her elderly mother came into the shop. The woman recognized my mother and in a *big show* of affection kissed my mother’s hand, as if she were the pope! As she gushed her southern drawl affection all over my mother, they engaged in small talk about the physical problems of their aging bodies. She then asked my mother: “How are you and your daughter getting along?” – not knowing that I was sitting right behind her! :) My mother and I looked at each other, and I laughed, as my mother smiled, pointed at me, and said: She’s right here… Oops –

The woman turned to me with a look of surprise on her face - and an oohhhh, hiiiii sheepish greeting. I just grinned and greeted her back. A few minutes later she got up and started to walk out. On the way by me, she said to me – “You take good care of this sweet woman” – like I was being told. Thank goodness she didn’t wag her finger at me as well. Gee, I thought that’s what I’ve been doing – despite whatever story you may have been told! Evidently my mother has told stories over the years that she’s not being taken care, at least not the way that *she* wants to be taken care of… I have not lived up to my mother’s expectations – but I knew that. I cannot live up to her stories of what she wants me to be. This makes relating difficult and awkward. And yet, that is just another story too. And maybe it’s been difficult for her not having the relationship she would like to have with her daughters.

Interestingly I was able to laugh off the little comment and never mention it to my mother. And even though I tell this story here, I did not feel the need to *engage* in the story, or create another story, or to feel hurt, or wounded by it. I notice that I am beginning to feel a sense of acceptance for the way things are with my mother. In fact I am now finding the stories of life amusing; how we create them and live by them, believing them. And how the mind loves to grab onto the stories, and keep telling them, getting lost again and again in “stories” that I continue to believe, knowing it’s all story!

And I know the “remedy” for getting caught in the stories that bubble up from the depths is to continuously come back to that sense of inner Presence, the spaciousness of Awareness that lies behind them. That is what’s underneath all these stories – the field of Awareness that just IS. When I consciously drop beneath the stories of life, there is only a sense of calm, peace and stillness. Underneath the stories *about* what is happening there is only Life unfolding in this greater context of Awareness – evidently in a series of stories strung together and believed to be real. The challenge, it seems, is to *accept* the way life unfolds without creating a storyboard of scenarios, assumptions, conclusions, judgments and interpretations about what’s happening; without creating an *image* of life in my mind. And so I am beginning to peak through those story bubbles, *seeing* Life from underneath life’s stories.

~*~