Inner Compass...

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve lost my inner compass – in a boat without a paddle type thing – no wind to tack into and therefore, no movement. And it’s a little unsettling, even for a “meandering mystic.” :)

Having spent a lot of time in “the Cave” the last several days, in the space of silent Stillness, it feels as if I am being emptied out. It’s as if the burdens I’ve been carrying - the mentations and beliefs of the way life “should” be, of how life is “supposed” to look, of how I am supposed to feel, think and experience life - are being “laid down” – well almost. This includes the “laying down” of all my ideas about my so-called “spiritual path”, realizing I don’t want to be defined by any particular “path” – just wanting to follow my Heart. But the Heart is not speaking, so I am facing an apparent darkness - an emptiness.

I hear that is a good thing on the “spiritual path.” That eventually you have to lay it all down, all those ideas and concepts that you have identified with as your “self” and just step into undefined territory – the pathless path – the Emptiness Itself. However, in this space of not knowing, sitting in the deep Stillness within, just listening - where a lot of my “direction” usually comes from - there still hasn’t been that inner sense of *knowing* how to go - even how to Be - if that makes any sense. There’s just the space of no-thingness where everything reverberates like a deep echo. Helloo~o~o~o~o ~~~~…

I wait for something to emerge from the depths of Stillness - but nothing comes. There is only this sense of being “poured out” – emptied… And only being able to do the simple tasks of living… I’ve been here before…

So of course the mind gets worried, because the mind likes definitive direction, likes having structure, likes having answers, likes having stimulation – likes *doing* not being. So the mind starts questioning – what am I *supposed* to be *doing*? Maybe it’s a January thing. In the mind’s attempt to get an “answer” I even asked my husband – what do you do when you’ve lost your inner compass? He looked at me quizzically. I asked, haven’t you ever lost your sense of inner direction before? (I know he has, he seems to have forgotten.) But in his usual story-telling way he answered: Well, it’s like being one of those float planes in Alaska on very still water. And you’re just sitting there, floating on the water, waiting for the wind to come up. And then when the wind comes up the plane automatically turns in the direction of the wind and you know the direction you’re supposed to take off into. Until then you wait…

Okay… Huh! - mind said – really? Doesn’t this plane have an engine and a throttle that I can* control* the plane with? Is it really that simple – just waiting? But “i” want to *do* something about this – about this directionlessness that I feel. “i” needs to feel like life is going somewhere, like “i” is doing something – creating, expressing, doing *important* things… So I do a little of this and a little of that, but no, those aren’t it. I keep getting called back to “the Cave” - to Emptiness - the place of Stillness. Yet, even there, there seems to be a very deep sense of unsettledness and not knowing - and a seeming inability to reach Still Point - true North - True Self… Or maybe I just don’t recognize it…

I am apparently in a place of waiting – hibernating actually – needing to be very still and quiet. And maybe that is exactly my “direction” at the moment – no direction - simply waiting - for inner movement, the inner voice; waiting for clarity, waiting for the wind to come up; trusting that I am exactly where I need to be...

I wait – I breathe – I wait – for the whispers of the Heart, the inner compass to reveal the Way…

~*~

There’s an interesting blog post called Following the Moon:
Each Heart is a World
that is about the cycles of the moon and
“Forging the True Work of the Heart…”


Photo – Yes that is exactly how the shoes were!

Still Point...

Empty out everything except Silence,
the
still
hush
of

S
i
l
e
n
c
e

the
deep
Stillness
of the Heart…


Lay it all down – just breath the Silence,
the Stillness of Being.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve been taught,
what words you have heard,
what beliefs you have believed…

Lay it all down – just listen to the Silence,
the deep Rhythm of the Heart.

Unconcern yourself with words,
beliefs - concepts of the dreaming mind.
Fill yourself with the Rhythm of the Stillness…

Lay it all down – just *live* from the Silence;
the still space within the Heart.

Live from the silent Flame
that burns in your Heart;
brighter than any words,
any teachings, any beliefs,
revealing everything.

…

Live
in
the
Still
Point
of

S
i
l
e
n
c
e
.
.
.



Mystic Meandering
copyright
December 19, 2010


~*~


“Every other creature on the face of the Earth
seems to know how to be quiet and still…

We (humans) seem to have lost
the ability to just be quiet -
to simply be present in the stillness
that is the foundation of our lives.
Yet if we never get in touch
with that stillness,
we never fully experience our lives…

Reaching the Still Point is not something
unusual or esoteric.
It is a very important part of
being aware and staying awake."

John Daido Loori
from: Finding the Still Point

Heart Rupture...

This is a story about a woman with a ruptured heart. Sometimes telling someone’s story and the impact it has allows the Light of Awareness in.

Last week we got an email from a former business associate, and current friend of my husband’s who had been admitted to a local hospital psyche unit. I have only met T (not her real initial) a couple of times, so I do not consider myself a “friend.” Most of what I know of her is through my husband. She is in her early 40’s, has been going through a nasty divorce over the past year, has a 14 month old baby, and a sick mother whom she has been taking care of for the past several years, who now resides in a Nursing Home. She was also being evicted from the townhouse that she just moved into in October because the neighbors complained about her dog, and sundry other “infractions.” Overwhelmed with life as it is, her heart ruptured…

It has been years since I visited a psyche unit. In fact, it’s been since I was doing a 3 month Psyche rotation in Nursing School, at the ripe age of 18 or 19 as I recall, when I thought I could save people from their pain. Back then it was a state run institution – more like a jail. This one is run by a private hospital. Basically there doesn’t seem to be much difference, the environment just *looks* nicer – less institutionalized. Some of the patients (and staff) roamed the unit with blank stares. Sometimes you couldn’t tell the difference, except for an ID card hung around the necks of the “professionals.” You can tell the patients that still have light in their eyes; T was one of them, thankfully. Some of the others were like empty ghosts wandering. Even the mask of persona was blank. Evidently there are a lot of heart ruptures occurring.

When we went to visit T she couldn’t think, couldn’t function. She groped to *feel* organized – shuffling through her papers. She couldn’t make the *required* connections, in her head or practically, in order to be able to “get out” of there, which meant, finding a new place to live, finding a therapist and a support group. She was worried that her exhusband would try to gain sole custody of her baby. Now how does one find a new place to live while sitting in a psyche ward! How does one find a therapist, or support group! And why weren’t *they* providing her these resources! So of course we offered to help. We loaned her my husband’s laptop; gave her the name of two therapists; found a local “divorce support group” on the Internet; and told her she could call us any time.

Now I was not the image of glowing, open Presence, meeting her with stillness of Heart and Being. Oh no. This mini-me was anxious about what it is getting into - wanting to just walk away and go back to “the Cave.” I could hear mini-me in my head saying: I’m *not* getting involved in this! I will be swallowed up by her web of needs. And I *do not* babysit! (Baby and I will be having a meet and greet. I see where this is going.) Don’t get me wrong, I love babies, but I’ve never had any of my own. And mini-me doesn’t want to become entangled in T’s psychological web. (Another lesson from Spider). Mini-me wants to “help” of course, but the mini-me wants to help on its own terms. It’s hard to let go, trust, and just leap into unknown territory – spider woman or not. So I agreed on something safe, I and another woman would pack up T’s kitchen. I’m good at practical in a crisis.( I’ve been doing practical this past year with my family.) And it gave T the sense that people were helping her so she could move forward.

Visiting with T at the hospital was a personal eye-opener – third eye that is. A huge rush of awareness/insight flooded in as I sat there. I realized how ridiculous it was to even think of using non-dual “spiritual” language. You know - telling her that there is really no “me,” that all there is, is Awareness; just be in the present moment; accept life as it is; that this is all a dream, a product of her mind; and that all she needed to do was “rest in Awareness.” Now that would have been way too abstract, totally insensitive, and too dismissive for a woman in pain – especially for one not on an intentional “spiritual path.” I’ve discovered many times that sometimes *saying* “truthisms” is not appropriate. What she needed was stability, acceptance, encouragement, not to feel alone, abandoned or rejected, and practical help. Her heart had been ruptured so many times, it was almost incomprehensible the amount of pain that had ruptured this being. I felt her pain too, when mini-me wasn’t trying to keep a nice emotional distance between us. In sitting with her, in her pain, it opened deeper layers of my own that have been hidden away – my own ruptured heart. That was a surprise as well – the awareness of how deep my own wounds still are.

What I *clearly* saw was that she needed to be met *where she is* - *in her story* of how life is at the moment. Lofty, detached, spiritual, non-dual language and ideals do not meet people in their hearts – they separate us. I know this from experience. So “I” listened to her story, without needing to dismiss it (her) as “story,” without offering empty encouragements, or false fixes, and tried to hear the real need behind the story. I did notice, however, that mini-me felt awkward and uncomfortable, and started groping for those familiar empty words. It was clear that I couldn’t rely on the “self-mechanism.”

I actually like meeting people where they are, story and all – without judgment, without pretense, without prescribed resolutions, or fixes – without agenda; not *trying* to be “present”, and not using spiritual platitudes and clichés. It feels natural and authentic. I do this automatically a lot of times. But somehow on this “spiritual path” in “non-duality teachings” I have gotten the impression that one is not supposed to do that – to meet someone in their story of suffering… But isn’t this what “I” (The Beloved, The Mystery, True Self) does: meet us in our stories, our illusions, our pain and suffering – until we see the “truth” for ourselves, and let them go?

Recently Jeff Foster, a well-known “non-dual” teacher posted a statement about a shift he recently went through. In part he said: “…gone is the need to use Advaita-speak (non-dual language) to avoid real, authentic human engagement… to avoid meeting you in the play, to stop listening to you because I see you as ‘still stuck in the dream’ or ‘still a person…’ The message is about love.” Amen!

This is Freedom – opening the Heart and being authentically ourselves, engaging, meeting people where they are, from the Heart; recognizing that our hearts are all the same – they are real – and sometimes they rupture…

~*~

Picture circa 2004
the wounded heart...

Dreaming Mind

I had a dream on December 30th that seemed fairly significant, so I thought I’d share the gist of it, or is that the grist of it. :) I do not remember all the details, but the main “grist” of the dream seemed to be about locks. In particular they were doorknob locks (they all looked like round doorknobs). And I couldn’t lock them. I couldn’t lock the front door to the house, or the mail box (which was also a doorknob). The locks did not work. So I became preoccupied with the locks and spent a good part of the dream trying to *fix* the locks that would not lock, taking them apart and trying to figure them out – to no avail. There were intricate images of “mechanisms” that I would take apart and attempt to put back together again, but they wouldn’t go back together.

I see this as a good thing.

My “locks” are not working anymore, the mechanisms of the mind and self that have kept me (the Self) safe behind locked doors (figuratively) are not working anymore, leaving “me” open… And – I couldn’t put those mechanisms back together again. Hmmmm. Is this what Freedom feels like – open, vulnerable, exposed, falling apart, unable to put the self back together again, unable to lock everything up safely? Be careful what you ask for - Beloved takes no prisoners…

In the middle of trying to fix the mechanisms I woke up – from the night dream that is. As I woke up I realized it was just a dream that had occurred *in my mind.* The exact thoughts were: this is occurring *in my mind!* Like I was surprised, yet clearly knowing that it was all mind-made. I had essentially *thought* the dream. And yet, my *mind* did not want to wake up from the dream! It didn’t want to let go, even knowing that it was a dream. My mind wanted to go back into the dream – to finish the story – to try to fix the locks and the mechanisms – to find resolution. But “I” *didn’t* want to go back into the dream. “I” just wanted to wake up, but found it hard to do so because my mind wanted to hang on – to continue the dream.

The realization was that the *dream* was mind-made and I *knew* it. It was absolutely evident. But the pull to stay in the dream was greater than the desire to wake up. The only “resolution” was to *completely* wake up from the sleep state – where the dream occurs. But even then, after awakening, the dream hung on – in my mind; pulling at the mind to come back. The dream had momentum, the dream-thought continued, and my mind couldn’t let it go. It *wanted* to play out in my mind – even after awakening… I seemingly couldn’t disentangle from the dream state – mentally or emotionally. Sounds a lot like life - the waking dream...

So, I asked myself, is “awakening” really “enough”, is “awareness” enough to completely awaken from the waking dream? You know, the one we call life... Or do we remain in a dream of our minds, even after awakening, even with awareness? Apparently the thought-dream still continues, even after awakening. The mind keeps creating the dream- the waking dream of life. The key seems to be in the realization that it is only a dream and the impetus to wake up from the dream – to not *believe* that the dream is real…

Several days later I woke up with the thought that I had reached “the end” - "the end" of what? The image that opened to me was that of the mouse in the maze picture looking over the wall. The sense was that I had reached the “end” of the maze, that I couldn’t go any further, as there was nowhere else to go – so I *had* to look up over its walls. It wasn’t that I had found my way out of the maze on some blissful path – the yellow brick road - and landed in Oz, I just knew that I couldn’t continue in the maze – the maze of the mind, the maze of the dream. And the only resolution was to stop, to shift my perception from the maze – the dreaming mind - to a different paradigm; to look beyond the familiarity of the well-worn pathways of the mind and discover a different way of seeing and experiencing the world...

It occurred to me that we are free to participate in the maze of the mind or not… We are not locked in to the maze. Our sense of freedom depends on whether we are fixated on the dream, or able to see beyond the walls of the faulty mechanisms of the mind.

“If you want to see what’s behind the curtain of reality,
to take the red pill and discover what the matrix really is…
you have to be willing to give up everything.
The cost is literally all of “you”
– your identity, your addictions, your life-long programming…”
[the maze].
Author unknown.

~*~

Keep on knocking
‘til the joy inside
opens a window
look to see who’s there

Inner wakefulness

This place is a dream
only a sleeper considers it real
then death comes like dawn
and you wake up laughing
at what you thought was your grief
A man goes to sleep in the town
where he has always lived
and he dreams he’s living in another town
in the dream he doesn’t remember
the town he’s sleeping in his bed in
he believes the reality of the dream town
the world is that kind of sleep
Humankind is being led along an evolving course,
through this migration of intelligences
and though we seem to be sleeping
there is an inner wakefulness,
that directs the dream
and that will eventually startle us back
to the truth of who we are

Rumi

~*~

Photo Image – CD cover for “Sonicaid”
Music to promote sleep.
Copyright - Avalon (SOCAN.)
www.avalonmusic.com
Imagery: Solid Imagery Arts, LLC

Return to Stillness...

Return to the consciousness of Stillness
that speaks through your Heart
from the in-between spaces in the
Celestial Ocean of Creation…

Stillness expresses
through vibration,
through resonance
in and through the inner Heart
~ the Inner Being…

Quiet the mind and the heart
of thoughts,
of emotions,
of pain,
of struggle,
and just listen…

Reach deeply into the Stillness of pre-creation
~ the Primordial Space ~
and allow it to permeate you,
to thrive in you…

Be at one with Stillness,
with Sacred Silence,
where the seeds of luminescent L0ve
form and expand,
through ripples of
pure Innocence,
reverberating in a pool of Stillness…

Allow Stillness to emerge from Its
place of solitude in the womb of the Heart;
from Its sanctuary of wholeness,
and give it voice…

Allow Stillness to be your Truth,
And Truth your Stillness…

~*~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
October 8, 2001

~*~

Spider Woman!

Meet my new acquaintance – Spider Woman…

I had to move some curios off the kitchen window sill the other day in order to pull the shade down to try to insulate against the cold air radiating in, now that winter has finally arrived and the temps have dropped into the teens and single digits.

A day after I moved the crystals and Billy Bear to the counter, leaving a little cluster-like enclave, my husband warned me that there was a spider in amongst the crystals. A day later I noticed her peeking out between the crystals and the bear, and this little green leaf hanging in mid air. She obviously had made her abode. So I’ve been watching her. Her web is a meshy consistency, not intricate in any way. And it spreads out pretty far onto the counter – how she attached it there I have no idea. It also attaches to the thin leaves of the “spider plant” that overhang it, rooting in a glass. I have inadvertently disturbed her web many times. Now I’m not the Arachnid type, but I’m thinking she has something to teach me here… I mean she’s building her home right in my space – just moving right in. So I’m noticing.

Most of the time she is safely hidden on Billy Bear’s lap - tucked down behind the crystals. At other times, mostly in the morning and evening, she comes out and just hangs in her web – no movement, nothing, just still, sitting in silence – just suspended in the webbing. As I watch her I wonder: Do spiders think? – or maybe these creatures have been spared the constantly weaving mind. So in my new mode of ‘walk the Earth in Silence’ – communing and listening, I’ve been just watching, just noticing, kind of like a child with innocent curiosity. What is she doing, why is she just sitting there type thing - has she been eating anything, when does she create her web – cause I haven’t seen any activity. I decided to talk to her, to commune with her. :) I said, hello little spider, in my best two year old voice – but nothing. I tried to get up close and personal eyeballing her, but then thought, the poor thing, how would I like it if a giant eyeball started peering into my world… Sorry little spider. I backed off a bit, but was still quite curious about whether I could connect with her, and so kept talking to her.

I asked her if there was really “Being” in there, you know, that same inner Beingness that we humans feel, if we’re paying attention; that Awareness/Consciousness that we have been told permeates and *is* everything? Well… I was curious, so I asked. :) Nothing. Then I asked her, can you hear me? And I kid you not - she vibrated her whole little body as if in response. Whoa – I stood straight up, eyes wide open in astounding wonderment. Well imagine that! Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! Alleluia – Being hears me! And responds! Being to Being. Heart giggles arose like helium inflated balloons in this Heart. And do not even *think* about calling the little men in white coats. I am perfectly happy the way I am – communing with my new Being buddy. Although a warm, fuzzy creature might have been a better match. But maybe newbies at inter-Being communication have to start with creepy crawly creatures. :)

Anyway, I have a sneaking suspicion that she has come into my space to warn me that I’m going to have to be like spider woman this year. Yeah, I can see it now, me in a spandex suit. This 5’4” 20+ pound overweight “mature” woman – debatable I know - would look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy in spandex – leaping tall buildings in a single bound. Not a pretty sight. What I mean is, I’m going to have to be more adaptable, able to create an abode in any environment, paying attention to *how* and where I create it, willing to rebuild and recreate when needed. And – I’m going to have to pay attention to that Space that holds and nurtures me, that supports me in the chaos, strengthening the inner abode as well. And - I’m going to have to remember to remain suspended in the web of Being, still and silent – untouched by the seeming chaos of life.

Maybe even expanding my “webwork” into unknown territory. Me and Billy Bear that is :)

~*~

Post Script Note: This morning (Jan. 4) we found spider in the kitchen sink building another web in the corner. We got her out of the sink, hoping she'd go back to her web, but for some reason she seems to have abandoned it. So we transported her to our front bay window with lots of big plants where she can spin her webs to her heart's content...

Walk the Earth in Silence...

Walk the Earth in Silence,
in the stillness of Being,
communing,
listening,
hearing,
sensing,
feeling.

Walk the Earth in the Silence
of unassuming,
open,
receptive,
awareness;

leaving only a trace
of a footstep here and there.

Walk the Earth in Silence
from the stillness of the Heart;
standing at the still-point,
in the hush of the Mystery…

Speak the language of Silence,
Heart to Heart,
whispered wordlessly
in the silent Rhythm…

~*~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
December 19, 2010


~*~

“Walking the Earth in Silence” does not mean being silent, as in - not speaking, not expressing - as “I” likes to express, to create, to speak, to write – have you noticed? :)

The sense that I had when the words came was that it is about walking in the stillness of Being; being still of heart and mind, acutely *aware* of the Silent Awareness that is Aware, as well as aware of what is being experienced – what is being lived – in every moment. It’s the felt sense of living from the inner Silence of the Heart, deeply listening to and deeply attending to this space; living Its ways, moving with Its Rhythms… I know there are those of you out there who do…

Ultimately, wanting to “walk the Earth in Silence,” for me, is about wanting to walk through life intimately with what is inherently Awake and Aware in us all, to what is inherently Awake and Aware in nature – as they are the same; recognizing this Radiant Nature in everyone. How delicious that would be! Communing intimately with this Aliveness in everyone and everything, knowing that it is ‘This’ that is living us, breathing us, and taking us where we need to go in the way we need to go. Simply trusting. Simply being.

How freeing to walk in this way – in the Silence of the Heart. This is what “I” wants… This is this Heart’s aspiration.

Walk with me and share how your Heart wants to walk on the Earth… :)

~*~

This photo was taken by my father in the early 50’s –
probably the winter of 1952/53.
He was walking in from the main road with a shovel
to where our small summer camp was
after a blizzard on Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire.
The “camp” was really the size of a large “tool shed”
that he built a porch onto where he and my mother slept,
while my sister, brother and I slept in bunk beds
and on a cot inside, on Summer vacations.
It had a door, a window,
sink, a fold out table for eating, but no toilet.
Fun!
Might have made a nice hermitage for one!

He took this picture of his own footsteps in the snow.
Although my father did not “walk the Earth in Silence,”
and we did not have a close relationship,
he had a depth that I only saw glimpses of,
and wish he had expressed more.
But he kept it silent…
I think he probably appreciated the silent times
alone in nature that captured his Heart – and his footsteps…

On the Threshold...

Coming to the “end” of another cycle of time, another wrinkle in timelessness, I am feeling like I’m on the threshold – of what I don’t know – just that feeling of “something” intangible, unknowable, where everything stops for a moment in time – the still-point – before allowing “me” to move, to take the next step more deeply into the “Mystery” - however we all know that to be for ourselves…

This year has certainly provided many opportunities for looking more deeply into my heart and mind, and all the baggage that has been packed away there. And more opportunities to see the thread of Awareness that runs through them, that I must admit I did not always *see* - but instead got caught up in the waves and stories of life as they crashed through my nicely erected walls, trying to break through the veils of illusions that confined me.

There were many things that knocked on this door this year that were not welcome visitors, but ones which I had to let in anyway and offer them my time and attention as they each offered me an invitation to open to The Heart more and more. I can’t say I was successful in the least, but cracks opened in the walls allowing more light to get in. Isn’t that how the light gets in, through the cracks and crevices that life events tend to leave behind? Or so Leonard Cohen says.

Everyone in my family experienced life changing events this year - little cracks in their walls. It started with my brother nearly being killed in a skiing accident in February. Then just 2 and ½ weeks later in March, my sister broke her back as she jumped off her second story balcony to escape domestic violence. She is nearly fully recovered by the way, physically and emotionally, and is now living with my mother, hoping to find employment in January. My mother underwent two eye surgeries this year - leaving this strong willed woman dependent, requiring my presence nearly 24/7 until my sister moved in. These life events challenged me in ways I never expected physically, emotionally and spiritually. My old issues of being the rescuer, and feeling responsible for caretaking everything and everyone emerged for a look-see. Many freeing opportunities there.

And last, but not least, my husband’s consulting, web development, videography and video editing businesses were unable to keep us afloat and the ship sank leaving us bankrupt. Now that was a crack I could have done without. I thought those cracks were supposed to let light in, not water! But there it was, life as it is – sinking, cracks opening wider and wider – the light, or should I say, the waters gushing through the crevices. And all I could do was let go of all my ideas of how life was supposed to turn out. I’m still learning to live life as it is… This is a harder opening…

And then there were the softer openings that opened this heart to more Light: the “Window Sitting” and all the wonderful insights that came through the Window. Yeay! I can hardly wait for Spring to come so I can get back to the Window. And of course, “The Cave” for the winter months – where I am learning to meet the deeper, darker spaces, like fear, anger, and uncertainty. And where I’m also deepening into Silence, Stillness, the Light of Awareness, and the Heart of the Cosmos - some nights better than others at this point. And, best of all, getting to know new blogger friends sharing this Path – or no-path as the case may be – as we follow the Stream of Life, in whatever ways we do…

I am especially grateful for my blogger friends. You have inspired me with your blog posts and comments! Sanity in a sea of insanity. Reminders in moments of unconsciousness. Inspirations that lifted me and allowed me to *see.* Wonderful Heart Openers you all are, and I am so grateful for your Presence! I know many of you have also faced some really deep challenges this year as well, surfing the waves of life. I admire each of you for your courage and openness to the way things are, in the face of the unexpected directions life tends to take… You have been the invitation to open this heart to do the same.

And just a note on the picture here. :) I decided to post the picture of the mouse in the maze again (from the Freedom post) because it reminds me of the way life feels sometimes, like an endless maze. We try to find a way out, to find that one opening that will set us free and end our suffering. But sometimes instead of following the well-worn pathways that go nowhere, we have to lift our heads up and look over our self-created walls, and see that what we wanted (The Big Cheese, Enlightenment, The End of Suffering, Awareness, Love, Freedom, Life) is already right there, just waiting for us to notice – even if it doesn’t look the way we expected it to. I’m still learning this one!

Heart Hugs to you all!

~*~

Here I "go" again...

Here I “go” again – or maybe not. :)

I originally posted this picture on the “In Transition” post, and since I’m still kinda in that space and I liked the picture, I thought I’d post the picture again as I meander on my way here.

I’ve been in a kind of mental/emotional fog for the last week or so, bumping into things in the dark – like anger, and sadness, and grief… Not the usual holiday fare. I am also acutely aware that I need to deeply attend to the Silence of Being within; to that “Pull” that I keep experiencing. Yet the holidays do not lend themselves to retreats of contemplative Silence – at least not in this family monastery… This creates a kind of discombobulated feeling in this mind and body, as well as the strong need to find the Silent inner Rhythm and just retreat, as life as it is at this time of year requires an external flow that feels contrary to my Nature.

I also find it ironic that no matter how much of my ‘self’ I have given through out the year, in small and not so small ways, in subtle and emotional unnoticeable ways, the holiday gift giving of *things* seems to be what matters most. It becomes the measuring stick of how much we love and care for our loved ones, an “exchange” of this fuzzy, nebulous thing called “love”… So if we are “exchanging” this commodity in a transactional way is that really “giving”? Strange custom that our inherent nature for “giving” is dictated by a date on a calendar and the giving of *things*, as a culmination of all that has *already* been given in the months before in more practical ways. What’s up with that? Is what I do all year long not a *symbol* of my love and giving nature as well? But pardon me, I digress… ech-hem…

So now that the hub-bub of the holidays is over I can breath again… No more expectations, obligations or wish lists to fulfill, no comparing, no out-doing, no one-ups-man power play giving, no family baggage. Just following the Stream of Being – as IT wants to Flow - which right now appears to be - no-where. Ahhhh – sweet no-where, no-thing…

Just before the Solstice I started experiencing a “still-point” – a coming to a halt inwardly. It felt like a turning point within, interestingly coinciding with the turning of the season. It was the sense of collapsing into zero-point, the silent, still Awareness drawing me to its core, like a great cosmic tide emptying me out into Silence. I found here a deeper space of not-knowing than I was in before, a space of “waiting” - for the breath to be breathed; the in-between space. The place of not being defined by anything, of not having a framework of interpretation, or reference point to measure life, or myself by. And I kinda like it actually. Just the open space of the hum of Silent Awareness… The hum of Being Alive… But the fog rolled in...

I want to *live* this luscious Silent Aliveness unendingly as a way of life – not moments of meditation in “The Cave”… In this space there is no mental confusion about which direction to take, or where I “should” be going. All one can do here is – stand still – and listen; not focusing on direction, results, outcomes, achieving, acquiring – or the measure of gifting. It’s just about being still – at the still-point of Being – living from the still-point of Life – the Stream of Being. Listening to what this deep Silence of Being has to say and where IT wants to go…

In the fog this morning, waiting for clarity to return, waiting to *feel* this hum of Silent Aliveness of Life within again, I happened to read a blog post that was about a young Japanese poet girl who decided to become a Buddhist Nun. It said that she became a Buddhist Nun, “not in order to renounce the world, but out of a desire to teach her heart to be like the clear water which flows night and day.” That’s it! (No, I’m not running off to the nunnery.) It was the inspiration, the in-breath of clarity that was needed to clear the fog. And you never know where it’s going to come from. It made my Heart sing. Yes, that’s it - learning the ways of Silence. *Living* in such a way that this Silence of the Heart, these clear Waters, can flow day and night – consciously. A song in my Heart has been rekindled… Now we shall see where that goes… The Silence has ITs own ways…

How about you, what makes your Heart sing?

~*~

"Liberation"

We are the grace of Love fulfilled,
the shimmer of Sacred Light,
lustrous uniqueness in a field of
multidudinal Divine Shimmers
in glittering oneness…

We are the twinkle of liberated luminosity
radiating from the Heart Pulse of Love
within the Stream of Life
in continuous unfoldment.

We are created, and create from,
the glowing embers of the
furnace of Love’s fire.

Receive the molten flow of golden translucence
that forms you in the fire of Divine Love.
Let it infuse you in every micron of consciousness.

Golden Light turned fluid
flowing incessantly from the Primordial Heart.

Receive Love’s Presence, and Love’s presents:

*
Peace,
Integrity,
Awareness,
Acceptance,
Authenticity,
Contentment,
Transparency,
Light and Love.
|

Love of Love
Light of Light

Love experiencing ItSelf as Love
in every breath,
in every form…

Liberation…

~*~
Winter Solstice
2001

"Solstice"

I have conversed with the Universe,
commiserated and cogitated;
ascended, descended:
polarized, conceptualized and spiritualized:
dis-membered and re-membered ~
and still I find no “plan” ~

Only vastness and immensity
beyond theory, framework and perception.
The Greatest, Grandest Mystery
in an ever unfolding nebula;
procreating itself in billowy clouds
and golden streams of stardust in an
endless infinity;
a golden thread weaving through space
without beginning or end:
creation beyond creation;
sound beyond sound;
light beyond light -

Matchlessly weaving its glittering thread
of exquisite expression through timelessness,
into time, and space beyond time,
with one theme braided into its
unending spiral, through
dimensions, distortions, dysfunctions -
~ Love ~

From this divine, mysterious weave of love
we create our reality,
and dance the dance of duality;
our light and our dark;
one thread within this cosmic
fabric of Divine Embrace…

~*~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
Winter Solstice
1999


~*~

Photo – The Sombrer0 Galaxy
A galaxy within a galaxy
From – The Invisible Universe
by David Malin

Confession of a Mystic

I have a secret that evidently “spiritual” types are not supposed to have. And lest you think I spend all my time floating in the ethers of “cosmic bliss,” I am telling my secret – which is - I get angry – a lot. There is a deep stream of volcanic anger that has continuously run through this body-mind since childhood. It erupts more often than I like to own up to. It has become an automatic way of perceiving and feeling that I have managed to avoid facing. But, as I have opened more to the beauty of “cosmic bliss,” a window is opening, allowing me to see more clearly this dark thread of anger that has woven itself through my life.

Right now life is extremely challenging on many levels. And I must admit that my default emotion is anger when life gets too frustrating, or too scary. Just ask my husband. :) And as much as I would like to believe my self-image as a peaceful “spiritual” mystic, I must also embrace “ugly oogla”, as my husband calls her. So I am coming face to face with her, instead of ignoring her and trying to shovel her lava back in the hole when she erupts. Cleaning up her messes has become burdensome.

Now one might say this chronic anger is because I am not accepting life the way it is. Yes, that is true. And one might say it is because there is still too much “me” – that may be true as well. And one might say it’s only the mind *believing* that life is difficult. And that too may be true. And, it is also true that it is an old habituated defense pattern learned in childhood living in a very angry family, where it was learned that anger was power as well as a protective mechanism. And I also see that anger is a messenger bringing me a much needed message – like all feelings do. So it’s time to let that angry cat out of the bag, so-to-speak.

There are many reasons why anger arises here, trying to fight its way out – in particular at the moment, life continues to fall apart, which ultimately could be a good thing, but “ugly oogla” doesn’t know that. Within this collapse uncertainty abounds, leading to fear, frustration and anger. And yes, there is evidently still a belief in a separate me (“ugly oogla”) who might not survive the fall and doesn’t like it when life doesn’t go the way she dreamed it would… There are definitely a lot of reasons on my “why am I angry list” – most of them are “me” reasons – the “me” not getting what she wants – the “me” not being heard, understood, paid attention to, loved and respected by a certain significant other. And oh yes, there is her cousin blame who wants to pin the tail on the donkey who got us into this life situation in the first place. Big practice opportunity with that one, but we’ll start with anger first. And yes, I have read all the anger books. This has been a life-long process of discovery and awareness.

Lately I’ve noticed that anger and frustration also arise as a result of not living in attunement with the Natural Rhythms within. I keep getting distracted, disturbed by and preoccupied with the survival needs of life as it is at the moment, and this gets in the way of my *idea* of how I “should” be living. You know, a life of Sacred Harmony with seemingly no problems - or so I tell myself. So I spend time in “The Cave” – which allows me to *feel* those inner Rhythms, and where I realize that life as it is at the present moment is impermanent – whew, what a relief! When I follow the anger I see that despite all my reasons for anger, it is really only energy, like all other feelings, and eventually dissipates. It only feels more intense, more “unspiritual”, more embarrassing to admit to this darkness that runs through here. And following “the pull” of the Natural Rhythms, at least for me, lets me know that there is *something* “beyond” this vaporous anger. So I look to ‘This’ for inspiration.

I sit in “The Cave” of Awareness, not to escape, but to listen. I listen to this voice of anger that festers and seethes and erupts. I befriend “ugly oogla” – give her a hug and listen with curiosity as she fumes and sputters about life events. And – at the same time I deeply attend to the space of Stillness, listening for her Voice as well – and she does speak. In the process of listening I feel myself returning to the space of Silence, the Awareness that embraces everything, even the anger. I realize that there are no magic pills for life’s challenges; that the only way out is through. And I begin to wake up from this dream of “ugly oogla” and her anger with life; her imagined slights, her need to protect, and her stubborn resistances to life’s challenges. When I follow the thread of anger that has woven its way through here, like when I follow “the Pull” that beckons me, it takes me back to the same space – Awareness – Silence – Home. In the fiery molten life force energy of anger there really is only this Light of Awareness – I merely have to pay attention to it, to feel it, to follow it and not get caught in the sludge.

And no, this doesn’t mean that anger has magically disappeared from my life. She is still here. But I keep meeting her in the Silence of “The Cave” until she recognizes that she is loved - that underneath ~ she *is* Love ~~~~

~*~

Photo – Center of the Trifid Nebula
from The Invisible Universe
by David Malin

“The long, sometimes violent creation
of stars happens in the secret, dusty places
and is at first detectable only as heat,
not light…”

Paying Attention to "The Pull"

I have been feeling “the pull” of the Cosmos lately, in case you hadn’t noticed. :) Don’t know why. It feels similar to “the Pull of Consciousness” that I wrote about while window sitting. And of course since everything *is* Consciousness, I imagine that’s what’s knocking at this door again – saying, “pay attention.” I feel immensely drawn to and curious about this pull of “the Cosmos.” I even checked out the series “Cosmos” by Carl Sagan from the library this week and started watching it to satisfy this curious “longing” for the spacious Cosmic Ocean. In watching it I feel at home, I rest internally – as if “I” recognize something. A sense of innocent aliveness wakes up in me again – interesting. And, I am learning things about the universe that I don’t remember learning before. It’s as if I’m hearing it for the first time, and I am like a child listening in awe, wanting to soak it all in…

Last weekend it occurred to me that this pull has something to do with the pull of the Natural Rhythms, the Cosmic Tides of Consciousness, which I haven’t been paying attention to lately. I have been feeling out of sync with Life, with the Sacred Harmony - unable to hear, or sense The Rhythm of Life Itself because life circumstances keep drowning out the music. And yes, I know, there is “just this,” “life as it is” – and its all Awareness… And yet, and yet - this “pull.” How does one explain this “pull…” A conundrum. I’m sure there must be Cosmic Buddha’s that could explain this… :) If you’re out there give me a ring!

What would happen if I followed the pull, I wondered? Where would it take me? No particular “answer” arose in Consciousness. Only the sense that I need to pay attention to the pull. So I went about ordinary life this week, in ordinary ways, listening, sensing, feeling it - p-u-l-l-i-n-g.

There were even little quirky messages in the everydayness of life saying “pay attention.” -

One day this week, as I approached a stop sign, a young male on a cell phone, carrying a duffle bag of some sort, waved at me with two fingers as if to motion to me to stop, like I was a taxi of some kind. I shook my head no, indicating I was not going to pick him up. But of course he was at a stop sign and I had to stop. A few tense moments ensued as he ranted and flailed his arms at me through the window. I quickly flipped the automatic “door lock” switch, while I waited for the busy traffic passing in front of me to clear so I could move out. Whew. Now there’s a “pay attention” moment if I ever felt one!

And then, while walking through a small crowded gift shop full of things, and people, trying to navigate through the maze with a package to get to the post office counter in the back of the store, I had to circumvent a woman standing looking at things at the front counter. As I smoothly passed behind her, she evidently moved away from the counter, and plowed right into me, sending me sailing into a display case. I was abruptly stopped. If the display case hadn’t been there I would have been splayed on the floor. Another rather strong “pay attention” moment.

Sometimes the little “stories” in the everydayness of life are like messengers. The ‘Mystery’ speaks through everything. And clearly the message here was to stop and pay attention…

So – today I stopped. I sat in “The Cave” and paid attention to this pull… It was experienced as a very deep pull to Silence, to Zero point – the still point; a pull into the hush of the Cosmos – the Symphony of Silence. It was experienced as a pull to stop, be still and rest… It felt like a giant unseen cosmic tide of Silence drawing me to its core; a magnetic pull, continually pulling Itself back to Itself… As I “allowed” the Cosmos to pull me (there was really no allowing, it was just happening, and I was just along for the ride on the Cosmic Waves) there was a sense of being pulled to a deep internal space, an internal “home” – if you will. There was a comfort in the Silence and a deep relaxation, as I “let” it pull “me,” collapsing into it, “letting” it swallow me up… There was no intent and no cause. I do not have any intellectual understanding of it – none is needed. This “Pull” is just happening – ongoing - present tense – always there – the Natural Rhythm of Life. It requires nothing - except maybe stopping and paying attention.

~*~

Photo - Bill Kennedy
A paper weight

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star...

Sitting in deep Silence in “The Cave” – Awareness flows. By Silence I mean the deep space of Awareness, the space of Existence in which existence exists – The Emptiness, Consciousness, the Primordial Womb of Stillness that is beyond the sense of “me”, beyond the mind of fear and trembling, beyond construct, label and concept. It is the knowing Stillness of ISness. It is the deep space where everything that is, is just allowed to be. It is the space from which life and life experiences spring… It is the space of True Mind, True Nature, The Great Mystery, Love, and Light beyond light… And in this Silence you know yourself as That…

In deep Silence everything exists in suspended animation within deep knowing Awareness – all of it originating from and reflected in Its Emptiness – like some grand reflecting pool. The “me”/body-mind that we believe ourselves to be exists (ephemerally) within this context of this Space of Aware Knowing, like a cloud that exists within the context of the sky-space. The cloud is suspended in the spaciousness of the sky, and is not just an “appearance” appearing *on* it, as if super-imposed on the backdrop of sky, as if the sky were a flat screen, but is actually suspended in the depth of the sky – surrounded by sky-space. During the day the sky *looks* flat, except for the clouds that also appear to be flat against the sky. At night it become obvious that there are many stars suspended *in* space. It becomes obvious that the sky-space has dimension, has substance – has life. Space is literally full of ItSelf. :)

Several years ago my husband and I went to an observatory late at night out in the middle of a forest. We both were awed when we realized that what we can actually see with our naked eyes is only a fraction of the multitude of stars and planets that actually exist in this spacious Space of deep Silence. Deep Space is *alive* with millions and billions of light-generating substance. This realization is enlivening. Nothing is flat. Everything is suspended in Spaciousness. What we see and experience is only the surface. Remembering this now has brought home to me how I live, for the most part, only at the surface of life, at the edge of Reality – unaware of Its depth; unaware of the *Life* that is at the *depths* of Being – just being.

In deep Silence it becomes obvious that life is not a movie against a flat screen. We are not flat “objects against a backdrop of Awareness.” Awareness is not a “backdrop”, not a flat movie screen on which a movie of life is projected. Awareness is alive spaciousness that flows through as Life – a generative Aliveness. Everything is being lived. Life/Awareness/Presence is living ItSelf here *as* this life, *as* this existence, as this “me” – evanescent as it is. Life is not “just this” – in the sense of just what you can taste, touch, smell, see, hear. It is ‘THIS’ – this Alive, Conscious, Awareing Silence - the life blood of “just this.” It is the Intelligent Living Awareing Reality that “just this” is. Do I hear heart giggles echoing in the distance? :)

In the deep Silence, Existence (capital E) sees/knows/recognizes everything as ItSelf. It does not see separate objects floating within itself. Everything that exists is in suspended animation - Life suspended in ItSelf – like the stars, planets and clouds mysteriously suspended in space. And it’s not that Awareness “sees” like some objective distant observer out beyond the universe, but is intimately aware of its own existence, its own expression, as this expression is happening within ItSelf – as Itself - like a hologram – reflected out into Infinity.

In the deep Silence, Pure Awareness has no concept of “duality” or of anything being other than ItSelf. Non-duality and duality are concepts that only exist in the mind, in comparison to each other. Everything always was and is an expression of One Aware Consciousness. No comparison is made in the expression – as the *expression* is not seen as something *separate* from ItSelf. The conceptual framework, the structure through which we *see* becomes confining and needless – except to the mind of course. And yet we continue to play our duality/non-duality game – making distinctions where there are none…

I read recently that after a long period of deep Silence, when the Buddha opened his eyes and saw the morning star on the day of his enlightenment, he realized that he was the star he was seeing – he realized that he was the same pure nature as the star, and that all beings are endowed with this pure, radiant brilliance… A Mystery. We are the stuff of stars. Twinkle, twinkle…

~*~

Photo ~ From The Invisible Universe
by David Malin

~*~



“The Void is a mirror…
Creation is an image…
Man is as the eye of the image,
reflected in the mirror.
The One who is reflected in the image
is hidden in the pupil of the eye.
Thus ‘He’ sees ‘Himself’…

What you see around you is
not other-than-you.
All and everything is the existence
of the One…

See ‘Him’ in everything
as yourself
and the non-existence of yourself.
This is Truth.
There is only the One/Self/Essence…
The reflection of man in the mirror
is the same as that
which is being reflected -
and the words of the image
are the reflected words of
the Real One.”

From the writings of
Sufi Master Ibn’ Arabi
From Grace Is Now

"Cave Writings" - Sacred Flow

Aliveness
constantly flows,
emerging as every day life
from its primordial womb of Silence.

This Flow curls and swirls
constantly transforming Itself,
constantly renewing Itself,
constantly unfolding Itself.

Recognizing ItSelf
in the face of another,
in the voice of another,
in the eyes of another…

…as the Essence of all life…

It is the Natural Rhythm of Life,
unfolding Itself into form…
Thriving…

…a palpable inner Rhythm of all that exists…

In the luminous Sacred Flow
everything is real,
vibrant and fluid ~
a living, breathing
Reality of Aliveness…

And we, like curious discoverers and explorers,
try to find this Natural Rhythm,
to experience its Harmony,
to hear its Flow
and follow its Sound ~
Not seeing that this Mystery is here,
pulsing in us…

Effulgent Flow ~

…in the everydayness of living…


~*~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
December 5, 2010


Photo ~ Fun-Qi Art™ ~ Christine

"Cave Writings" - Leap

The heartache of humanity
ripples through Consciousness
with its pain and fear…

We stand at the precipice of
Love’s eternal abyss.
Yet, we are hesitant to jump ~
to fall into that Love,
to listen to the Voice of Love
calling to us…

We are totally free
~ to love ~

to *feel*
our collective pain…
our grief,
our fear,
our anger,

~~~ rippling through ~~~


We are free to experience it all,
to express it all,
to embrace life experience completely…

We are totally free to Be ~
just as we are…

And we are free
to empty ourselves
into Love any time…

”The Beloved” awaits…

Listen and Leap,
and keep leaping…

We are loved beyond measure…

~*~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
Dec. 1, 2010


Photo ~ refrigerator magnet