"Letting Go" of Control Window

Sometimes what we need to see comes through the window of life itself, not just “window sitting.”

As I mentioned in a previous post, there are still “patterns of the me” that are emerging in awareness here. Control appears to be one of those patterns, and was brought home to me recently through interactions with my mother. As I have heard several teachers say: If you think you are enlightened, spend time with your family. For some of you this post may constitute “story." However, I often find that what is considered “story” can be a great teacher - allowing me to step back and experience the Dharma in the situation.

My mother is 82 years old and getting ready for eye surgery Monday after a failed first surgery 4 months ago. I have tried to be “helpful” in the preparation for this upcoming surgery – meaning: I feel the weight of responsibility to be “on top of things” in an attempt to make sure everyone is on the same page, that all ducks are in a row – which has not been welcome by my mother. It has been met with resistance and with irritation at me for at least trying to make sure everything is understood and the appropriate questions are asked to the appropriate people – without actually “taking over” – meaning not taking the control out of my mother’s hands – trying to respect her and allow her to make her own decisions and ask her own questions. But when I see mental acuity failing, I feel a need to step in. Confusion has been created because she has been told different things by different people. The more I try to make sure that everything is in place, the right questions asked and understood, and urge her to get clarification, the more she resists. It’s a dance that my mother and I have danced many times. And I no longer want to dance this dance.

So I’ve had to recognize that my need to be on top of things, to be responsible, is my subtle way of trying to be in control, trying to make sure everything turns out “right” – under the guise of “caregiving” – by taking on the role of “responsible daughter.” It is also indicative that there is still a *belief* in a separate “me” that can control life and its situations… This pesky little me…

How I function in this “responsible mode” – stressed, anxious, insecure, controlling - is not helpful to anyone. Attempts to control through instructing her on what to do, correcting her misperceptions, prodding her like a child to take responsibility and so forth only serve to alienate. I know this. But those hardwired neurons keep misfiring, sending me the fear messages that I need to be in control. I ignore them as much as possible and offer my mother encouragement and subtle, supportive suggestions instead – giving her a sense of control, a sense of “rightness”, rather than “wrongness”, which seems to be more “helpful.”

But can this “me” really willingly “let go” of its need for control? (And it doesn’t help to tell myself that there is no “me.”) My experience is that I cannot will myself to “let go” of anything – even the sense of “me.” It has to come through relaxed awareness – and trusting that life is as it should be. Through being aware and bringing awareness to a situation, there is a natural “letting go.” Stepping back into the greater context of Awareness is what allows a “letting go” to occur. It allows the pattern of “me” to be seen. Once the “pattern” has been seen, recognized – found out – so-to-speak, its grip loosens. It is no longer “me” trying to “let go” – another form of control. It lets go on its own, as it is no longer able to hide in the shadows of my mind. *It* lets go *by means of* the awareness that is brought to it - by letting the light of awareness in, and by how willing I am to actually face it, as many times as I need to.

And there is another aspect I had to look at as well. For me this “letting go” through *awareness* is an ongoing process of relaxing into a deeper sense of the all-encompassing Beingness that we actually are - and allowing That to be my focus. By continually bringing awareness to what is Aware, and not trying to figure out how to let go, or how to control the situation, noticing what it feels like to be in this space of Awareness, a “letting go” occurs on its own. By bringing awareness to what is Aware, “letting go” is no longer an issue – there is just a subtle dissolving of control, and acceptance of the way things are. From this space of Awareness I don’t get into struggle with the *concept* of “letting go” – or with my mother. I don’t follow the *thought* that I need to let go – or that I need to be responsible. It’s more of a space of allowing, of letting things, life and people be what/who they are. This does not mean that I do not take the necessary actions in the care of my mother – when needed - but it is not a fear-based need to be in control of how things go and the way they may or may not turn out. From this space of Awareness there is a softening of old patterns and a more genuine, open-hearted presence that emerges.

Although, I have to admit, there is still a lurking sense of fear-based responsibility for my mother’s well-being and the resulting anxiety… And so it is…

~*~

Nature's Window

Golden Silence

whispering in the wind

the song of living death...

A beauteous leaving...

Die into Life again and again...

~*~

"Die while you are alive..."
Shido Bonan
Japanese Zen Master

Noticing Thoughts Window

Every night at the Window is a different noticing it seems. Lately I’ve been noticing the movement of thoughts.

Initially when I sit I usually notice a tangible sense of Calm and Peace, as was the case a couple of nights ago. Then I noticed that “I” was being distracted by thought, accompanied by a subtle visceral sense of contraction in different places in the body – fear thoughts here, anger thoughts there. When I became aware of this, I would bring my awareness back to the space of Calm and Peace and then once again notice that over a matter of a few minutes thought had somehow pulled my awareness away again. This happened several times in a slow rhythm of awareness from one to the other. This was even noticed in the movement of the eyes as I sat with eyes closed. When I was *resting* in Calm and Peace the gaze was inward. Sometimes it was towards the window to my left, as if listening to the Calm at the window – “out there” – external. When I became aware of thought, it was noticed that my eyes were directed upward and to the right – as if thinking was “up there” somewhere.

A thought became a chain of thoughts, which then became a “swarm” of thoughts (this word borrowed from a friend, but is also what I experienced.) And it was noticed that I had no control over these thoughts. I could not stop thinking, as some teachings suggest. This is what the mind does. It thinks. All I could do was bring my awareness back to the Space of inner Peace and Calm.

It was experienced that there is a pull of Consciousness, the *Space* of Calm and Peace, and a pull of thought in a subtle rhythmic movement as awareness seemingly shifts between the two. Attention gets focused on thought, then, with awareness of that, there is a shift in awareness to Calm and Peace. But I had to consciously keep bringing the focus to the space of Calm – and not get entangled with thought.

In this *natural* movement it was realized once again that thought cannot be stopped, or controlled. I had to consciously choose not to follow thoughts out into infinity, to not indulge in speculation about the future, or resentment and regret about the past. I had to continually bring awareness to the inner space of Calm – the only Now there is. Some nights were more successful than others.

The “trick”, if there is one, seems to be to learn to rest the awareness in the internal Space of Calm (or however you want to call it). Just be there - *aware* of the movement of thoughts and feelings; aware of what is awareing this; allowing - not trying to wrestle oneself from the mind, but gently bringing awareness to this aware space of Eternal Rest again and again - entraining with this Still Space that is only Now…

~*~

“By ‘Here’ I don’t mean this present space.
Here is somewhere within where mind cannot reach.
Presence is always here and you are always That.
Here is not the opposite of there.
This here is nowhere.
It is your Heart.
…it all comes back to the Heart.”
Papaji

The Pull of Consciousness Window

For the last month I have been experiencing a huge pull from within; an intense version of the “Inside-Out” experience that I referred to in the “Inside-Out” post. It is what a friend called “the pull of Consciousness.” I have described it in my journal as a “pull to Freedom.” It’s as if Consciousness ItSelf pulls ‘self’ into ItSelf, essentially reclaiming Itself. Consequently there is a sense of collapse of the ‘outer’ into the Inner, or the outer dissolving *in* the Inner.

This “outer” expression – self - is losing its sense of separateness from the “Inner” and seems to be collapsing *into* that which doesn’t have a name: into Unknowable Beingness - into the Mystery - into the NO-thing-ness - into Existence prior to expression; sinking into the space of Awareness – dissolving – falling into Freedom, the recognition of the Freedom of Awareness. Well almost. :) It feels a little like alchemy. There’s a process going on here – a process of recognition, of Seeing how things really are: That it is not that *I* am ‘That’, but that *That* is all there is! – undisturbed Aware Consciousness… Whew, what a ride!

Although this may all *sound* wonderfully blissful, this “pull of Consciousness” vortex actually feels like a death – a death that is also a birthing. There is a *deep* sense of surrender – of succumbing actually - to this inner pull of Awareness; not necessarily to the “present moment”, or to “life as it is”, but to the Tao – the Flow – the movement of Aware Consciousness within, and how *It* wants to Flow. There is a willingness here to move with this pull of Consciousness on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis; a willingness to not be able to see where I’m going or how I’m getting there; to not seek relief – but to just be with this experience and allow it to go where it does until it pulls ‘me’ (Itself) all the way through...

And it’s not so much the death of ‘self’ (me) as it is death of the *perception* of self – a dissolving of orientation, of thought patterns, of identities, of attachments. It’s a “surrender” - a “succumbing” - of all that was held in this system of separation before. It is not “awakening,” it is a dying into Reality.

This “death” is like the famous metaphor of the wave sinking back into the Ocean - finding The Rhythm again, finding the calm resonance within the Rhythm of the Ocean of Awareness – Home. The wave cannot move *except* for the Rhythm of the Ocean within. So I follow the pull into quiet Awareness – most of the time :).

For brief moments, here and there, there is a dissolving of perceptions, where I recognize that I am not the body-mind. But patterns of the body-mind, of the “me,” are still working themselves through. They are rising to the surface. And there is a tendency to want to suppress them. But the need to be swallowed up by Awareness – to fall into Freedom is greater – most of the time :).

Abandoning the *idea* of a separate ‘self’, the scaffolding of the ‘self’, for THIS, this spacious Awareness that dances *through* conceptual reality is Freedom. Yet, there is not the *sense* of being freed *from* anything. There is only the recognition, however brief at the moment, that the pull of Consciousness is a pull to Freedom – inner Freedom. It is recognizing that Awareness is Freedom; that Consciousness aware of ItSelf is Freedom.

~*~

“…pure Consciousness will pull you back. It is not that you will enter it… but when It pulls you It has made the choice to pull you Home…..This is Home, the holy company of the Self. The most holy association is to be as you are [the Self] – this is Freedom.” Papaji

~*~


FunQi Art™ - Christine

I can’t take full credit for this art looking like it does.
The original is a beautiful shade of blue,
(which I will post on the next blog post). When I took the picture,
with a light shining on the picture and the flash of the camera,
this is the way it came out! Almost ethereal… Amazing…
I was awestruck. My husband explained the science of it:
The picture is only a mirror of the light that shines on it.
It can only reflect the light that comes to it…
Hmmmmm….

"Awareness Never Changes" Window...

This little piece below came this morning through Non-Duality Highlights (link below) – a “newsletter” sent out regularly with articles, quotes, and sayings from traditional and contemporary “teachers” of Non-Duality; as well as many others who are just sharing their experiences of Non-Duality and Spirituality. It offers another “window” with which to see and experience That which Is…

Sometimes their writings speak directly to my experience. This was one of them, so I have reposted this here to share with you… In *essence* this is what I was speaking of in my last post, “Abandon Everything.” It is the ‘This’ that I was referring to, and what I am becoming more and more aware of as I steep in my “Inside-Out” experience from last week – but Richard Miller captures the essence of it here with much more simplicity and clarity… It is entitled: "Awareness Never Changes."

~~~~~~

Beyond the moving mind lays a background of Stillness that never changes.
The mind must come to know the Self as this pervading background of Stillness.

Realize that nothing observed or experienced is you.
Nothing experienced binds or obscures you.
Take no notice of what is not your Self.
Nothing observed is ultimately who we are.

Be aware of being aware.
Be aware deliberately and consciously.
Broaden and deepen this field of awareness.

You are always conscious of the mind.
Now be consciously aware of yourself as being aware.
Be Awareness.
In this there is no separation of observer and observed.
Look upon the objects of the world.
See that all objects are extensions of Awareness.

There is only Awareness.
There is only Presence.
There is only God.

*Words Richard C. Miller


You can visit the blog site called Non Duality America blog where many writers contribute at:
http://nondualityamerica.wordpress.com/2010/10/12/awareness-never-changes/

The Non-Duality Highlights newsletter link is: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NDhighlights/

Photo – The inside of a large earthen flower pot
taken by my husband…

~*~

Abandon Everything Window

Abandon everything for ‘This’

Abandon
all ideas, thoughts, opinions,
concepts, stories,
judgments, resistances,
relationships…

You are not obligated to anyone, or any thing…

Abandon every thing for ‘This’ –
for the truth of ‘This’…

Abandon everything for intimacy with ‘This’:
That which is Aware…
That which is Awareness ItSelf…
That which just Is – just ‘This’…

Abandon everything and just be ‘This’ -
’This’ that is your True Nature…

Abandon the concepts of ‘self’ for ‘This’ -

Abandon all false ideas and strategies -
all attachments of the ‘self’…

Abandon self-imposed constraints
of the ‘self’ – of living from the ‘self.’

Abandon reliance on ‘self’ –
the construct of ‘self.’

Abandon the sense of ‘self’
and open to the Vastness of the pure Awareness of
just ‘This’…

Everything that exists, exists within the Vastness
of ‘This’

Succumb to ‘This’ –
the pure Awareness awareing…

Everything is held in ‘This’ -

Just ‘This’…

Live with abandon to ‘This’

~*~


Mystic Meandering
copyright
Oct. 11, 2010

Inside-Out Window...

I’ve recently been fascinated and very curious about this sense of ‘me.” Why there is a *sense* of me. Is it only in perception? Is the “me” really just an appearance, a myth, a dream, an illusion, or a mask of Being – a veil of some kind. Is it really a construct of the mind, conditioning, or is it a necessary function of Being… If it’s all One – then “me” *cannot* be a separate entity – but must *be* this One-Self, Conscious, Aware, Being that just IS – the same, yet different…

Now it’s not that I haven’t sat with this sense of self before. The notes from yesterday’s post came from Journal notes written in 2004. And I wrote “The Face of the Self” – a little blurb in the right hand margin – also from my journal notes in 2008-2010. And several weeks ago I wrote the post “Egoless Window” where I had a brief moment at the Window, where I realized that there was no separate self. I have had moments when I’ve realized that life is not about “me” and then I fall back into the dream of “me” – the drama of separation – when I *know* there is no “separation.” I catch myself in the dream of “me” all the time, looking at life through habituated and conditioned prisms that distort the View – that inhibits true Seeing. So it appears that there is something to See here…

Two days ago I spent a significant amount of time in Nature – kind of like “window sitting” – only at a much larger window :). I asked: What is the Truth about this sense of me that I sometimes experience as separate?” And this is what I saw as I sat in the landscape of Nature – True Nature...

When “I” looked at the landscape, this “sense of me” did not actually *feel* separate! It was not seeing as if separate from Inner Being. Oh really! Wow! I felt inside-out if you will. There was no felt sense of separateness really… Ahhhh - I found this very interesting. As I looked around at the hills and trees and water and houses and people there was really no sense of a separate me who was doing the seeing… hmmm… Could this be? It was another “same yet different” feeling. I *was* the landscape, I was the *Seeing*, not a separate me *looking* at the landscape as if separate from what was Seeing – or what was being seen… hmmm…

Ultimately, the question of whether there is a “separate self” or not does not even arise, when *seen* from the space of Consciousness Itself. There is no *idea* of a separate ‘me’ that is not “awake.” This sense of me is one with Consciousness. It’s not even an “appearance” of “separateness” because it’s all just seamless Consciousness. Everything is enfolded within Consciousness – a seamless Self that makes no distinctions about its own manifestations. Everything is seamlessly “enveloped,” if you will, in this Conscious Awareness – like an inner landscape of ItSelf. There is no *idea* or concept of “other,” or “separate” within this space of Inner Being Landscape….

It’s like Consciousness Itself *delights* in this “sense of self” because “IT” knows that it is not separate – IT knows that it’s all Itself. Whatever is seen, is seen to be Itself…

It seems then the “issue” is with the label of ‘self’, or ”me” – an “ownership” of this sense of “me” - that creates disparity. It seems it’s all a misperception.

It’s like the lining of a coat. The coat and lining are in embrace – interfaced with each other. They are the same, yet different. The lining is part of the totality of the experience of the coat. The lining does not have a separate consciousness *from* the coat, even though it appears to be separate from the ‘outer’ fabric. It appears as if there are two pieces, yet it functions as One – one coat – one Self. The inside and outside are *essentially* the same… If the coat is turned inside out the lining shows, is expressed, but it is seamlessly still the coat – only a different face is showing…

Yesterday, as I was driving, I realized that the separate sense of me is an *assumption*. I *assume* there is a “me” that interacts with life. Ah-ha! But I noticed that there really is no *sense* of a separate me either - wow. It was realized that it’s all Self Seeing Itself as Self - all the same, yet different. It’s all part of the totality of experience. And so it seems moot to inquire about this “me”, as if it was separate. It’s all the landscape of Inner Being – inside out, or outside in. It’s all just the Landscape of Love – loving Itself…

~*~

Picture - "The Landsacape of Love"
2003

The Shadow of Separation Window

I resurrected this from a previous post, because it is something that I’m revisiting again at the window: the felt sense of separation, and how it continues to cycle back into view, creating a shadow. So it appears it’s time to take a look and explore this phenomena again… More posts to come!

The “original wound” of humanity is a
*perceived separation* from the Essence of all Life,
from Source, from Self, from our True Nature…

Healing this universal wound is a
healing of the consciousness of separation –
The imagined “split” from the Consciousness of the Heart
that became the shadow…

This wound of separation is just a consciousness
spawned from the *belief* in separation.
A *belief* in separation creates a consciousness
of fear and darkness – a shadow.

It is only a *belief.*
It is not real.

You are caught in the net of separation again,
*thinking* it is real.
Awaken from this shadow self.
Recognize the presence of your True Nature - again,
the Beingness that you are…

See life through the eyes of this pure Seeing of the Heart.
Find your internal “Home” in the sense of this Beingness.
Remember this Infinite Consciousness within you – that is you.
It is the place of un-wounding.
The place of unwinding the wound…



Excerpts from my journals – 2004

~*~

“Addiction to belief in a separate me is the root of all suffering.”

Miriam Louisa
This Unlit Light

Dog Whisperer "Window"

Yesterday morning I looked out the window to see that one of the next door neighbor dogs was outside of her electric fence perimeter. She and her companion dog wear electric collars to keep them in their back yard - supposedly. But K’s was evidently not working. So she was sauntering through the neighbor’s garden – outside her limits – roaming around, enjoying her freedom.

I looked away from the window, thinking to myself - I did *not* see this - I don’t *want* to see this – because seeing this means I need to do something about this – this dog. (This has happened before – K getting out – me rescuing). I went to take my shower and got ready to do my errands. I opened the garage door and there was K – across the street in another neighbor’s front yard rummaging around – unbeknownst to the neighbor. Now I could have gone on my merry way, knowing that K would be roaming the neighborhood, getting into trouble, getting lost, or worse, getting hit by a car. But my heart would not let me do that. So I called to her and she immediately came. Now what. I brought her into the garage and closed the garage door. Now what. I got her water, and called her owner at work – got his voice mail- and waited – a half hour. After about 10 mins of waiting it dawned on me that our backyard was fenced in, so why not let her out there, as there was way too much stuff that she could get into in the garage that could harm her – plus now I couldn’t get out. So I led this hyperactive, panting, anxious dog through the house and out into the backyard, where she proceeded to get into everything that she could. We are not dog proofed here. I vigilantly watched her while waiting for a call-back from her owner, which never came. I called again and left another message – and waited another half hour – becoming more anxious about what to do with this dog. So I stayed out in the back yard with her. She loved the attention… The two dogs whimpered and cried to each other through our fence… My heart strings played their sad tune as well…

While waiting I thought – hey why not try connecting with the dog. I made eye contact with her and spoke softly to her – Being to Being. She responded. I became dog-whisperer. I stroked her while she panted and did her anxiety thing of pulling away and nervously circling the yard – running to me, running away from me. I finally got her to lay down on the patio while I rubbed her belly and laid my hands on her to hopefully help calm her. Once again she responded. And as I calmed her, I calmed too. I made eye contact with her over and over, telling her it would be ok, that she was ok – more for myself I think. We were both going to be okay. I was doggie bonding.

Not hearing back from the owner in an hour, thinking that K had settled enough, I left my husband in charge while I went off to do my errands. Kind of like leaving a husband in charge of a new born. He has no experience either and left her in her crib – the back yard. By the time I got back, a couple of hours later, the owner had retrieved his dog, apologizing profusely to my husband. (We’ve had a lot of dog problems with this guy.) It seems the “workers” at his house, helping with his remodel, had shut the electricity off so they could do the electrical work – and voila – K made her escape. Her companion had been so trained not to go beyond the electrical fence that he stayed. Hmm there must be something in that to see: What beliefs keep me in my pre-conditioned parameters – keep me from being free… hmmm… And am I willing to risk going beyond my self-imposed perimeters in order to be free… I need to look more deeply at this one!

I noticed other metaphors as well… Everything is a window, life is a window, an opening – inviting us look, to see, to experience, to join in the adventure of living and not shy away, no matter what the experience brings, or requires. But sometimes I do turn away from the window of experience, from the moment, from the seeing, because I don’t really want to participate, to pay attention to what is really needed to deeply attend to each situation, to respond to life as it is.

And the other metaphor? Well, how often do I make a Being to Being connection with others… How often do I look directly into the window of someone’s eyes and see the Being that is there – the Spaciousness… It’s easier with animals. They are so open, so willing to be met. Do I really meet others and *see* them… Do I actually *see* the Being that’s looking back. And do I allow myself to be met - Being to Being. Self seeing Self. Self whispering to Self: It’s all okay – all is well…

Everything is a window – a whisper to see, participate and respond…

~*~

There is a wonderful blog to check out called An Appropriate Response…

Peace Window

Peace is at the window tonight…
It is tangible.

There is just a sense of well-being in the night -
a sense of calm…

I feel into The Rhythm of the Inner Wave
through the breath more easily.

The eerie sound of a lone coyote howls,
but doesn’t break the peace…

Momentary thoughts pull me away from the window,
and The Rhythm,
until I realize I’m in my head – thinking.

I bring my awareness back to window –
the opening of Awareness;
to the feel of the air at the window,
the sound of the crickets,
the Spaciousness,
the experience in the moment,
the felt sense of peace
that is right here…

The window, awareness, is an invitation
to settle into The Rhythm…

Aware of thoughts.
Aware of peace.
Aware of feelings.
Aware of peace.

like the rhythm of the in-breath and out-breath…
automatic…

Thought – no thought.
Feeling – no feeling.

Only when thought and feeling are grasped,
held onto, believed, identified with
do they get stuck, frozen…
Otherwise they just pass through – like light waves.
They just rise and fall like the breath,
in the deep Internal Rhythm
of Stillness…

Let them dance…

Peace….


~*~

Inner Wave "Window"

Wednesday I did the “Inner Wave” video by Gabriel Roth as my “exercise.” It was a video I had stashed away in my cabinet, in the same stack with Richard Simmons… The back cover says – “Surrender to the Dance” – “With ‘The Inner Wave’ you will investigate stillness, the mother of all rhythm, through a meditative dance journey with this pioneer of ecstatic dance… As you surrender to the dance, exploring and improvising with every part of your body, you will experience how ecstatic dance can clear your mind and open your heart, and allow you to touch the stillpoint within.” Oooo, my kind of exercise!

I cleared the den of clutter and coffee table, put the video on and stood waiting – poised. As soon as the video started playing I *knew* intuitively that this was what I was meant to be doing. You intuitively know when something feels “right” for you. Emotions stirred from within.

As soon as I started moving with the music there was a huge emotional release, as if years of stuffed feelings and stifled life let go. Feelings of grief and sadness broke free from the body, mind and heart, along with feelings of longing for the Divine. I know, here’s that separation thing again – but this was my experience. The movement immediately got me in touch with the *flow* of emotions that were just waiting under the surface. As I moved, I emoted. As I expressed I felt my heart open and let go of its contents in torrents and waves of emotion – washing through me from deep within – releasing pain, grief and sadness. It was quite intense, and very freeing… No drama, just pure expression…

It was a natural dance, rising up from within: a natural, spontaneous movement of life and a natural expression of the feelings that had been trapped in the body and heart - being stuffed with food… They were now moving through - dancing them out, letting them move me, and moving with them.

Maria, from Liminal Light, left a comment a few posts back that said in part: “Feel the movement of the emotion. Pay attention to the movement of emotion.” The dance physically allowed for awareness of this inner movement of the emotion… Ecstatic dance gave spontaneous expression to what’s inside, which ultimately turns out to be the Aliveness within – the alive, aware, awake Stillness that moves all life. Through this creative and artistic form the Formless is met and feelings are danced out in natural rhythms that rise and fall from the space of Origin; danced out from the space beyond ideas, concepts, feelings and compulsions – the field of Awareness.

The music that played in the background was a gentle pulse of drums called “Bardo” by Gabriel Roth and the Mirrors. How appropriate – taking me to the in-between space, the place of alchemy, dissolving the “self” and just purely Being… One with the movement. One with the moment. Sweet Ecstasy…

There is nothing that could be more symbolically suited for me at this time than this dance exercise. It felt deeply spiritual, like a Divine Dance with The Essence of all Dance, as well as the shadows of the “self” – in an alchemy of movement. It was like returning to an inner Flow – the Tao – the Inner Wave - as the sense of self dissolved in the Dance, and each movement became the expression of the deeper Rhythm.

However, in my exuberance I over-stressed this aging body with its chronic kidney and health issues. I haven’t felt well for the past few days. It has affected me internally. I’m sure I opened a few meridian points and channels, releasing blocked energy. So there’s probably a little cleansing going on as toxins leave my system, both physically and emotionally. Consequently my “exercise” regimen is on hold for the time being until this body re-harmonizes itself. Honestly I’m a little bummed because I love this form of “exercise!” - dance as "spiritual practice." But I continue to watch the video as there is something that moves me within even watching it….

~*~

You can view a small portion of “The Inner Wave” with Gabriel Roth on YouTube. The first couple of minutes, as she is speaking, is especially moving :)

Gabriel Roth’s website is: http://www.gabrielleroth.com/

May we all dance in beauty…
May we all dance in peace…
May we all dance as One…

In Stillness let your dance be...

Gabriel Roth

~*~

Fun-Qi Art™ - Christine

Food and Feelings "Window"

Sometimes “spirituality” can become a kind of mask that we hide behind – another persona. This has been true for me in the past – hiding my feelings. Even now I have to catch myself sometimes and ask: Am I being real here... What am I really feeling… Am I just believing convincing spiritual jargon, and spewing out all the “right” words, “spiritualizing” my way through my feelings… Or am I being authentic. There is something authentic in *allowing and expressing* feelings – the truth of life experience. Feeling the feelings allows me to be more open to others, more compassionate, more engaged, more available, more vulnerable, and less detached. Feelings open the heart.

So – with my food fetish recently I am looking into the inner window of what the feelings are behind the Food: why I indulge, why I use it as a drug, what feelings am I trying to stuff, what am I trying to suppress, to medicate, to avoid, what are the holes that I am trying to fill, what is not being satisfied, what pain am I trying to soothe… Food actually has become a practice in awareness. At this point I am still on the outer fringes of awareness, but I am aware that something is not quite whole here – something needs to be seen, felt and acknowledged… And so I’m beginning to listen, to not resist the feelings, and see what they have to offer.

My first pass at *seeing* the feelings behind the food produced this list:

Food is resistance to what is.
Food is avoidance, denial, repression, suppression, self-gratification.
Food is anger, anxiety, frustration, grief, self-denial, self-sacrifice, unmet emotion, unmet feeling, unmet life.
Food is security, and insecurity, self-doubt, and neuroses of all kinds.
Food is distraction, disappointment and dissatisfaction.
Food is numbing.
Food is false control when I feel out of control.
Food is consumed in order *not* to face things that need to be faced.
Food is a way of fighting the fear.
Food is about not being good enough.
Food covers a deep pain, a deep grief, and temporarily fills a deep hole.

When I looked into this hole of pain and grief, I recognized that it is the old wound of separation – the original wounding of mankind - that spawns all religions, the search for Truth, for wholeness, for “Oneness.” Intellectually I know this mental *idea* of separation cannot be true… But, evidently it is still *believed* somewhere in this system. There is a very *deep* sense of *feeling* separate from ‘The Beloved’ – that no amount of intellectualizing or spiritualizing can assuage. This feeling is like being torn and gutted. It is torment and an extreme longing for relief. Food evidently offers that relief – like any other addiction – physical or spiritual. In fact, the feeling of “separateness” from the ‘The Beloved’ is probably the basis of all addictions.

The feeling invites me in, to see, to come to face to face with this sense of separateness that I continue to *feel* in my *being,* despite “knowing” otherwise: That in truth, this Primordial Beingness (‘The Beloved’) is intimate with and inseparable from all life, and all life experiences. I know this and yet evidently I don’t… And the closer I get to this gaping hole, the more I want to eat!!!! There is an overwhelming compulsion to consume every time I approach…

But I am willing to at least look over the edge, to feel this feeling of separation, to befriend it, to honor it, to *see* it, to stop avoiding and resisting it, or trying to cover it over with “spirituality.” Oh yes, almost forgot – and with food. I can’t *deny* its presence. It is too visceral – too intense. To hold it and give it space is freeing… ‘The Beloved’, through awareness, embraces everything, receives every feeling, every emotion back to ItSelf with deep acceptance and deep compassion. In the embrace the sense of emotional “pain” in this body begins to relax - because it has been seen, acknowledged and welcomed home.

The seeing of this, and the embrace of it, is not the end of it, however. It’s the beginning. It’s the beginning of living authentically, living mindfully, living fully awake and aware – with feelings and food… It’s an ongoing discovery.

~*~

Exercise Humor "Window"

Okay my “spiritual friends”, it’s time to pull my head in from the window and do a little exercise… After gaining 20 pounds or more in the last 6 months and turning 61 next month, I decided it was time to get serious about shedding this tonnage rather than go into the next size pants, which would only allow me to expand more. Any of you who have weight issues will appreciate this.

This year with all my family crises, financial failings, and personal relationship shipwrecked, I have not quite lost my sanity, but I have lost a sense of will power, discipline and direction. I have lost “the fire” that once ignited a life here. And yes, I have been indulging in emotional eating… For some reason “spiritual practice” has not been enough to keep the internal fire burning, or keep the hungry ghosts at bay. Yes - I know, medieval gluttony has reincarnated itself here.

You may remember Richard Simmons, the humorous, gay exercise nut? Well it just so happened that I had two of his VHS tapes hidden away in a box from a previous life. I pulled them out several days ago and left them on the counter to remind me that it was time to do something about this self-indulgent food fetish – from a physical perspective. Exercise is a good beginning. I also know I need to look through the inner window…

This morning I woke up and said – today is the day. Richard here I come dahling… I love Richard. He has helped a lot of people who have become muddled in the pig pen – like me. I chose the video entitled: “Richard Simmons and the Silver Foxes.” It was made in 1986. It says it is for people in the years after 50. Most of the people in the video appear to be in their 70’s – which means they are probably dead by now, exercise or not. So of course I thought – piece of cake! No sweat! Nice way to get started – with, as the video says, “a warm-up session, a low-impact non-stress aerobic workout and a 3-minute relaxation exercise.”

We were to take our *resting* pulse first. Mine was already up to 90 – oops. And then it began. Within 10 minutes I was sweating. What happened to piece of cake, no sweat aerobics for the over 50 crowd! I think I’d rather have the piece of cake at this point, but I realize that would defeat the purpose and I keep going… Richard has us take our pulse again half way through: 128. Well I’ve certainly reached the aerobic level! And we keep going. I can feel the heart pounding. I keep sweating. And we’re hardly doing anything! I mean these 70 year olds on the tape are smiling and bouncing to the music like it was nothing. I’m thinking, how many more minutes does this last! At least I’m not gasping for air - yet!

My brother’s nickname for me as a youngster was “Crisco – the all purpose fat in the can.” You may remember that commercial as well. Well I hear that in my head and I know I must keep going. I’m sure from behind I am beginning to look a little “Crisco-ish” – so I push on, trying to melt the fat. I think we are about 15 minutes in and I’m ready to lay down. Another 10 mins and it’s finally over! My ending pulse is supposed to be the same as my “resting” pulse, but it is 100+ – another oops. Boy we are really out of shape here. And then he went on! This next phase evidently was the relaxation exercise with chair. My body said – Nope, sorry. I’m just going to *sit* in the chair and cool down. And maybe next time I’ll start with the “cool down” chair exercise first!

And what does all this have to do with spirituality and enlightenment – or window sitting? I have no idea, but if you see the connection, please let me know what it is! I am much more suited for the contemplative life. But I don’t want to be 300 pounds by the time I’m 80 – if I live that long. And doing this kind of workout may actually prevent that – living till 80 that is! Munchies anyone?

I’m going to try Gabriel Roth’s “The Wave” next time…. Dance as “spiritual exercise” – bringing awareness to the *movement* of Life within. That ought to melt away the fat cells in a way that suites my “mystic” nature…

See Grabriel Roth’s “The Wave” on You Tube.

~*~

"Awake" Window

In my last blog post one of the questions I said that I was going to pose during window sitting, to bring a greater sense of Awareness, was: What would it feel like to be fully awake? These are the reflections and “answers” I received over a period of three nights…

~~~

What would it feel like to be fully awake?

There is a sense of deep inner calm.

There’s a sense of just being Aware –
aware of everything that is occurring…

Being aware of *life* - life living itself…

The sense of Being the Awareness…

There is the sense of the world just being as it is…

And just being aware of the world as it is…

Everything, everyone, is just being -
just being the way they are….

~~~

What would it feel like to be fully awake?

A sense of innocent curiosity arises -

a joy of living…

The sounds, smells and sights of the night are experienced
with a sense of curiosity.

They are not experienced as “distractions.”

They are just the “happenings” in this field of pure Awareness

that I sit in – that “I” is…

Beingness/Awareness is curious about how life works…

It is a feeling of being undisturbed and untouched by anything…

It is a sense of open receptivity, clarity, and deep awakeness to life…

A deep awakeness that just sees

and delights in what it sees…

~~~

Crickets chirp in unison – like a pulse – the pulse of Life singing in the night…

“No agenda” wafts through my head…

“The only thing that separates is *thought*” wafts through my awareness…

I’m beginning to really *feel* this sense of “no separation” here at the window,

a blurring of the boundaries…

Yet “Oneness” doesn’t seem to be the right word…

It’s more like inseparable, indistinguishable, indiscriminate…

But these are only words too…

I ask again: What would it feel like to be fully awake?

I know I have already received the “answer”….

And then, as if an afterthought, I heard – “Live as if…”

Live as if…you *are* Awake…

~*~

Btw – I welcome all of your comments. And I love that all of you share your insights and sharings in such positive, supportive, loving and respectful ways. We all hold a flashlight for each other on our way…

With gratitude…

3 Practices Window

Besides my window sitting practice, and my sitting meditation practice, I have 3 other “practices” that I practice for a greater sense of awareness of the Awareness/Buddha Nature/Self/Inner Being – that enlivens this body-mind-being – that I thought I’d share.

The first one I do every morning before rising. As I come out of sleep mode, and usually just before the mind kicks in, I rest in that spacious place, breath into the lower dantien, and repeat the words: “I am Awareness” or just “Awareness.” When I say this, an amazing sense of energy runs through my body from head to toe – an aliveness that feels like all my cells are “aligning” or harmonizing in some way. There is a sense of being a part of the entire cosmos, like a “cosmic intimacy.” It brings a sense of alive Presence to this body-mind-being. It’s quite delightful actually, and actually grounds me, as well as gives me a sense of inner aliveness with which to meet the day.

This second one I haven’t done in a long time, but remembered to do this just the other evening, and will continue to do so. In Zen they have a saying that says: “step back until you step into the Looking ItSelf” – into seeing what’s Seeing through your eyes. Several years ago I tried this “stepping back” as an experiment. I sat on the cushion in meditation and figuratively, inwardly, “stepped back,” or in this case, sat back until I *felt* what was Looking through these eyes – until I *felt* what was embodying this body. It was very visceral. I felt this body actually sink into this sense of Inner Being. It opened a sense of curiosity in me and I later tried it while watching TV. I “sat back” internally & energetically, and actually felt a shift *in* the body. A sense of Presence opened up and I had a sense of sinking more deeply into the body. Whenever I do this, whether in the shower, or when doing dishes, or when driving the car, it brings a sense of alive awareness *and* a sense of groundedness – embodiment. It gives me a visceral sense of the Beingness that animates this body that experiences this life, that sees and knows from the place of deep Awareness, deep Aliveness. It is a sense of Oneness with That which is Awake and Aware - the Aliveness that we all are.

I’m sure most of us have all felt the sense of separateness from our True Self at one time or another. It’s what sets many of us on our spiritual journeys – seeking for this Beingness that we are. So how would it feel to know that we *are* this Being that we long for? The third “practice” may or may not be considered a “practice.” It is more of a question. It’s one that I intend to start asking myself: What would it feel like to be fully awake? Or, said another way – What would it feel like to really know that I am this Beingness - how would that feel… I will probably ask this one at the window, and see what happens.

I’d be interested to hear what practices help you to have a greater sense of inner awareness of your True Nature/Buddha Nature/Self/Inner Being – your Aliveness! What practices give you a sense of being the awakened Presence that you are?

~*~

Self is what you are…

Fathomless in which experience and concepts appear…

Self is the Heart…Emptiness.

It shines to Itself, by Itself, in Itself.

Self is what gives breath to life.

Only Self is…

Self is the indweller of all Beings.

Enlightenment is always Here.

Presence is always here,

and you are always That…

It is your Heart…

…all comes back to the Heart…

Papaji ~ The Truth Is

~*~

The "Phantom Pain" Pane

Window sitting has become an exploration of the deeper caverns of more intense feelings; sitting and breathing into these hidden hold-outs; moving through these feeling portals into greater awareness. But it has not been easy facing these phantoms of the night - trying not to push them away from the window. They seem to create a barrier reef, keeping me from the harbor of Stillness.

My friend “D” (from Shadow Dance Window) came back with intensity this weekend – and not just at the window. She kept tugging at me throughout the day, requiring my attention - like a needy toddler. It seemed the shadow dance of awareness the other day was not enough. It felt more like I must actually *sit* with her, pay attention to her more closely, listen more deeply, and allow her to be *felt* and heard – like a toddler. It was quite an intense dance with this shadow-self.

Sitting with “Depression”, or any feeling for that matter, is not about “suffering” or wallowing – in fact it alleviates “suffering.” Suffering is what the mind does when it interprets the feeling as pain, as bad, as wrong. In dropping the labels for feelings, however, there is just the experience of the feeling. I am not depression, I am “depressing” or angering, or fearing, etc. - as one would say, I am understanding, or I am feeling. Feelings are not our identities. Feelings are ripples or waves in the larger context of Being. And when we “sit” with them, I mean that we sit *as* the Beloved, with awareness – seeing, holding, experiencing the feeling.

When I sat with “D” I discovered that what I call “depression” is really a bolus of many feelings: sadness, grief, anger, frustration and anxiety. I sat with this bolus of emotional turbulence several times over several days and allowed it to reveal its contents – through journaling and meditating. It was actually very enlightening – and visceral - feeling this bolus of emotional pain in my gut as energy, as vibration, as sensation. I willingly went deeply into the bolus to explore it with an innocent sense of curiosity, like a scuba diver on a dive. The deeper I went, the more intense the experience and the more I resisted. I had to keep reminding myself to come back to the breath as I followed the feelings.

In these patterns of anguish that were felt and experienced, I noticed that there is a thin line between conscious feeling and unconscious feeling; between noticing and indulging – becoming entangled and entrapped within feelings; between allowing the feelings and being controlled by feelings. And there was a tendency to get caught up in, or fixated on the feeling – making a story of how I suffer. But it was recognized that these patterns of feelings are phantoms of the “me” function that are part of the totality of Existence. As I allowed myself to *see* these feeling phantoms the intensity lessened.

It was noticed that if all there is, is Being-Self, Buddha Nature, Awareness, Consciousness,- as the spiritual teachings say - then no feeling has to be denied or suppressed, as nothing is separate from That which always IS. Everything is allowed within the context of Beingness. There is total freedom to feel and experience everything – authentically - feeling the feelings without censor or judgment.

Thr0ugh this experience it was understood that we *are* Being living life! - feeling life - being touched by life - expressing life -- through feelings. Beingness ItSelf experiences life through this “me” function that senses, that sees, that touches, that feels and expresses feelings! They are one and the same – inseparable. The Ocean and the wave. The wave cannot be a wave except for the movement of the Ocean.

In seeing this, there was release, and a realization that these feelings will continue to come and go as part of life.

We are all Beingness experiencing ItSelf – otherwise known as “persons” – as “mes.” We *are* the experience of the One Being – feeling it all – experiencing it all – being it all.

In seeing this there was a return to the Harbor, into the Stillness that is Home.

~*~

The ‘me’ organism is not other than an expression of Consciousness.

Consciousness is the thinker, [the feeler].

Life is expressing *as* the ‘event.’

The Source and ‘substance’ is Life.

Radical Tao

~*~

This post is not meant to imply that there are simplistic solutions

for serious mental health conditions that require medical treatment and therapy.

It only reflects my own recent experience with “feelings.”

~*~