How We See Reality...

I am posting this beautiful piece from the Moon Mountain Sangha Newsletter on how we see reality by Spiritual Director Dorothy Hunt.  It is something I have been contemplating lately…

Moon Mountain Sangha Newsletter 
Volume 71, October 2013

Using the mind to look for reality is delusion.
Not using the mind to look for reality is Awareness.

--Bodhidharma
from The Zen Teachings of Bodhidharma, transl. Red Pine

"The mind of separation imagines it sees reality when, in fact, it is only seeing through its own conditioned filters, the “virtual” reality its mental constructs, interpretations and judgments create.  Look at anything in the room you are sitting in right now.  Look at it using your mind.  It will tell you the name, color, shape, whether it is pleasing or not pleasing to your conditioning, whether the moment seems boring or interesting.  The mind will deliver its opinions, and probably quickly move attention on to other thoughts that tell you how you really should clean your desk, or answer another e-mail, or have a cup of coffee.

Now look at the same thing “not” using the mind.  What is the experience?  For one thing, when the mind stops moving, stops telling itself what it sees, stops reacting--even for a moment--we become deeply present.  We see from a different dimension. When we are simply aware, it does not mean we lose our ability to remember names, shapes, and colors.  It means that we are seeing from the dimension of our being that is undivided, that does not place a “self” between the seeing and the seen. We become aware that the name is not the thing, and neither are our beliefs about it. The moment becomes more vivid and “alive,” more mysterious, and our experience more intimate.  Awareness itself is free of self and free of division. It does not “think,” yet is the light that illumines thought.

Look at the reality of “you,” who you take yourself to be.  Using conditioned mind to look, you will find many ideas and images of a self, a self you like or do not like, a self that is always the focus and center of your attention. There are many things about this self and the world it sees that your mind judges, resists, denies or attaches to.  Awareness, our own awake essence, sheds light on conditioned consciousness, sees it for what it is, but it sees without judgment, without separation, and without a need to escape a single moment or a single experience.  The reality it sees is simply an expression of its infinite ways of Being.  There is a seeing that is timeless and indefinable.  And in this clear seeing, there is freedom to respond to any moment from Openness.

Conditioned consciousness is not our enemy.   It just does not happen to define us. Conditioned mind has been programmed to think, feel, and behave in particular ways, some of which have been very useful in surviving and thriving, some of which bring great suffering. Conditioned mind cannot be avoided, as we are born conditioned humans in a conditioned world.  However, conditioned mind cannot free itself from itself.  

At some point, if we are looking for reality, for the freedom of our true nature, the egoic mind that thinks “it” will be the liberator, has to realize the futility of its own struggle.  We have to open to a power, a seeing, an awakeness, a compassion, a love, a grace beyond what the mind can produce or even fathom.  Whether we call this the grace of Truth, Awareness, or the Divine, it seems to appear when we have surrendered our demands on reality, our intellect’s insistence on its views, and have opened to the Unknown. In those moments, we may discover that we are the abiding reality we have sought, and that our mind is simply a phenomenon."

© Dorothy Hunt, 2013

Photo: Raindrops on screen,

 digitally colored

"Canyon Spirits" - The Evolution of a Painting...

I started this painting nearly a year ago in a moment of frustration, thus the red color and hash marks all over the place, painting in circles.  I am an intuitive painter, so I do not have an “intention” for the painting when I start.  I like to just see what evolves and what emerges out of it… Painting this way is a “practice” in letting go, of not having expectations – hopefully J - in not being “in control” of where it goes; like life actually – not being “in control” of life, but allowing oneself to be open and vulnerable to how it unfolds.  It’s very challenging actually to live that way – as well as to paint that way…  There can be lots of frustration…  It originaly looked like this (below) and sat like this on the easel for 7-8 months.

Every time I looked at it I kept seeing the face of a Tiger, and wondered how I could make it *look* like a Tiger, not having the trained artistic experience or skill to do that.  (The Tiger is no longer apparent, as other things emerged.)  When I started painting again in May/June I was still trying to figure out how to make it look like the Tiger that I saw, thus the single painted in eye, as that is what my mind saw. 

And then a “voice” said: keep looking, look deeper.  I wasn’t hearing things, it was the voice of my husband actually, as I discussed my frustration with not being able to create what I saw in my head.  He said – don’t stay fixated on your idea of what it is supposed to look like, but keep looking and see what else is there.  Something we need to do in life as well – look deeper, beyond the surface, and see what is really there.  So I kept looking.  And suddenly *many* different faces started emerging!  (see close-up below). Initially I saw what looked like the outline of a man’s face in a window with closed eyes, and nose, (near the middle), blended into another partial face slightly under the first one.  A woman’s silhouette in a window appeared on the right, up against what appeared to be two back to back “caricature” profiles, with a flat hat.  And then an owl appeared on the far left, and blended into what looked like a coyote face with mouth open, which blended in with the man’s face, and so on…  There’s even a little fox face tucked in there somewhere… And some teepees too :)

 The whole painting took on a different look, a different feel.  It had transformed itself.  It became a terracotta desert canyon against a night sky – and another realm beyond.  Totally unintentional…  Amazing. 

In the lower right hand corner there appeared to be a grouping of hash marks standing around what appeared to be the glow of a hidden fire…  To me they were Native peoples standing around a fire as smoke rose into the canyon and beyond, where a Raven glides through firey skies…

In the lower left hand corner there was the clear outline of yet another fire, with two “figures” nearby.

And so goes the story and evolution of a painting that took on a life of its own, inviting me to look more deeply… Like life…

Primordial Intimacy...

“The key is constantly ‘returning’ your awareness to the awareness of Primordial Consciousness, Primordial Presence, Primordial *Life* before form.  We are constantly challenged to wake up and remember this…”

This came out of a conversation with my husband the other day, in the face of life’s challenges that are currently occurring here on an ongoing basis that I lament about and feel pulling me away from this deeper sense of Awareness.

However, I also know that intentional and conscious awareness of Primordial Silence is the key to “remembering” – for me.  The Primordial Silence of Life calls to me, like and old friend – inviting me, waiting for me to respond, to come and be still – to be aware.  All I need do is consciously turn within and *meet* It - the Primordial Life *in* everything, the Primordial Silence that *is* Life - and feel It, experience It, open up to It.

I’ve been trying to put a *face* to this Primordial Silence that just IS – with names like Spirit, or The Infinite, or The Divine, or God, when in Truth, it is the vast nameless Unknown – and even that is still an attempt to name it, to bring into focus what is simply Divine Simplicity - Awareness that cannot be “person-ified.”

Intimacy with the “Divine” (Primoridal Consciousness) is what we are “made” for – stripping everything else away, all resistances, all ideas and names *about* what that is, or thoughts *about* what it should look like, and allowing the veils that keep us from this Divine Communion of Silence to drop away…  Letting Primordial Silence/Presence permeate every cell – rather - *recognizing* that it permeates every cell – that IT is WHAT we are, and have never been separate from.  This *awareness* of Primordial Silence is the medicine, the elixir of Life – dissolving everything that has allowed us to believe in separateness from this Divine Intimacy that is eternally present in ItSelf – in us.

It is a conscious endeavor to remember that no matter what is going on, there is always Intimacy with Primordial Silence – the Ground of Being, of Existence and all that exists.  I just need to keep re-turning to It: the awareness of Primordial Intimacy with Life ItSelf!

Photo: raindrop on screen
digitally colored

Behind the Mask - "The Good Dark"

The above piece is a work in progress, except that I *love* this piece the way it *is*!  It speaks to me so deeply about what is behind the masks we wear: the Infinite Spaciousness of Eternal Beingness.  Even though the masks we wear themselves may be beautiful, what is behind them is the Infinite Spacious Cosmos ItSelf – represented here by “the dark” canvas behind the mask.   And so I left this sitting on an easel in my creative space to inspire me.  I see it every time I walk by the room, which is several times daily – admiring its simplicity, and its subtle message – that who we *think* we are (our egos, our personalities, our minds, our bodies) is only a mask that arises out of Infinite Cosmic Beingness.  Eventually this piece may be “finished” as I envisioned it – but I am waiting, listening for it to call to me…

Several weeks ago in meditation I got the image of a mask lifting off what in my mind was an outline of a “meditating face”, an “empty” face against a black background, that I crudely drew with ink pen, in my journal notes, so is a bit messy…  This inspired me to go out and try to find a mask, which obviously I did, at a local craft store, and basically just hung it over the black canvas; an old canvas that I had previously painted over several times…  After I hung it I was hesitant to draw the outline of the “meditating face” in – but wanted to just sit with it.  I was drawn to the very visceral sense of the mask *emerging* out of the darkness – which soothed something within me – as if a recognition was occurring.

This piece speaks to me in so many ways, one being the Zen saying:  Keep stepping back until you step into That which is looking through your eyes – seeing through the mask you wear - pointing to what we really are as Infinite Space, Infinite Beingness, Infinite Spirit.  That is what is looking through the mask – our Eternal Being.   I find that inspiring – that who we are *is* the Infinite Cosmos ItSelf – our True Being, which is of course Internal.  It is not “out there” somewhere in space :) – but right Here in the very Heart of our Being – and yet – we ARE that Cosmic Spaciousness as well – our Home, our Cosmic Mother so-to-speak…  We ARE the stuff of stars… 

So often we view the darkness in our lives as “bad”, something to avoid, to not allow into our experience because we have labeled it as being the opposite of light, or something “evil” – a dark, foreboding abyss.  When in fact, according to some traditions, it is the light that emerged out of Infinite Darkness – out of the Cosmic Womb – the Primordial Stillness, if you will – out of which our planet, solar system and galaxy emerged…  Fascinating!

About two weeks after putting this “piece” together on the easel I received an on-line newsletter called NonDuality Highlights.  It featured an article written by Ivan Granger from Poetry Chaikhana giving his interpretation of a poem called “The Good Darkness” by Hakim Sanai, a Sufi poet. (You can view the poem and entire article HERE).  As I read through it I thought, what timing!  It all came together for me.  I have only printed an excerpt here, because it is those parts that say what I wanted to say about “The Good Dark” but couldn’t articulate.

He says:

“What is this “Good Dark”?  Light is so often considered one of the attributes of the Divine, but we forget that dark too is also a metaphor...  The Eternal is sometimes called dark because IT is beyond the ability of the limited intellect to see.  It is the realm where there is no longer separations; nothing is seen as separate from That [the Eternal].  It can feel like a shining darkness.

So the Sacred Dark, the Good Dark, is God [the Eternal] vast beyond comprehension, [it is] Being that gathers everything, even light, into ItSelf.  This is the darkness where there is great joy.  This is the immense Mystery…

If we understand the Divine to be that living, mysterious darkness, then we finally recognize ourselves as the same as that darkness. [the light and dark being the same – think Yin-Yang where the light is contained within the dark and dark within the light – as a symbol of oneness].   In the ‘half-light’ [partial understanding] we are still distracted by our own faces, we are confused, more aware of ourselves than the holy mystery we touch.  We become like a young lover, too self-conscious to simply lose oneself in the embrace of the Beloved.

…[when] we have no face of our own *separate* from That [our face before we were born – maybe my “meditating face”?], then we can melt silently into the Good Dark, into the mystery of the Divine.  Your face gets erased – the false self, the little me, the ego [the mask - your sense of separateness *from* the You that is Divine].  This is the place where concepts fail, where reality is no longer parceled out into dichotomies of good and bad, right and wrong (no division of opposites)...  There is nothing (except the Divine Wholeness that is all things, emptying individual things of their substance.) The ego-mind is no longer able to say ‘this is separate from that.’

In the mind’s deep stillness, reality is perceived as one, whole, unsegmented, pure – beyond the ego’s attempts to segment reality.

If you can settle deeply into this awareness [that there is nothing except Divine Wholeness, beyond the mask], then you will find yourself drinking the ecstasy of true love-wisdom!”

Ivan Granger, Poetry Chaikhana…
[brackets are mine] (parentheses his)

~

For a more humorous look at this topic
see my post:
Who would you be if you weren’t who you THINK you are…

Cosmic Love...

I have conversed with the Universe,
contemplated and cogitated,

ascended and descended,
polarized, conceptualized and spiritualized;
dis-membered and re-membered -
and still, I find no -

 “plan.”

Only vastness and immensity,
beyond theory, framework and perception.
The Greatest, Grandest Mystery
in an ever unfolding nebula,
procreating itself in billowy clouds
and golden streams of stardust
in an endless infinity.

A golden thread weaves through space
without beginning or end, through
the Silence beyond creation, through
Sound beyond sound, and
Light beyond light…

Matchlessly weaving its Eternal vibration
through timelessness,
into time and times beyond time,
with one theme braided into its
unending spiral
through dimensions,
distortions, and
dysfunctions

~ Love~

From this divine, mysterious weave
we dance the dance of duality,
complete in our light and our dark
 within a vast Cosmic Love

of Divine Embrace…

Mystic Meandering
Winter Solstice 1999

Revised Sept 2013

~

Photo: Shadow on a wall
digitally colored…

"Serenity Sabbatical..."

B left this morning in another attempt to visit his mother…   Fortunately this time he made it without a car glitch…

I am always saddened by his departure, even though I look forward to the “alone time.”

We always leave little cards for each other, reminders of our love, and little words of encouragement for the time apart.  This morning I found this card under my pillow.  He had made the card himself, finding these stylized Japanese symbols on-line - supposedly the symbol for “serenity” – adding the word “sabbatical”, knowing that this was my intention - to use this time to deepen into communion with Beloved “Silence.”  This means stopping the daily routine, finding the Inner Sanctuary and resting there; withdrawing from the internal chaos, sinking into Sacred Silence - and listening; withdrawing the mind from the quest for whatever it is I *think* I’m still searching for: the quest for “answers” to the cosmic questions, and the mental gyrations that go with that - allowing the mind to come to rest as well – just BEing.

 On the inside cover of the card there was another Japanese symbol for “awakening.”   “…..meaningful awakenings,” he wrote in his note, “revealed through venturing into the unknown, through the presence of Awareness, riding the rapids on our pathway to the Eternal Sea – the Ultimate Reality”

Love doesn't get any better than that :) Someone who knows your deepest Self...

And so over the next few days, that’s exactly what I’ll be doing: taking a “Serenity Sabbatical”, standing at the edge of the Unknown, dwelling in the Silence between thoughts, conversing with the Universe, J becoming aware of the Eternal Sea, the Inner Rhythm, the indwelling spontaneous movement of LIFE – again and again – carried by the Inner Flow of Being…

See you on the other side! J

“The finite man longs for the Infinite.
The love that makes the stars,
moves also the heart of man,
and a law of spiritual gravitation
leads his soul to the Soul of the Universe.

Man sees the sun by the light of the sun,
and he sees the Spirit
 by the light of his own inner spirit.

The radiance of eternal beauty
shines over this vast universe
and in moments of contemplation
we can see the Eternal…

Juan Mascaro

(From – Introduction to his translation of the Bhagavad Gita)

Via – Love Is A Place

Soul Windows...

“When your ‘soul’  (Consciousness) awakens,
you begin to truly inherit your life.
You leave the kingdom of fake surfaces,
repetitive talk,
and many weary roles,
and slip deeper into the true adventure of
who you are,
and who you are called to become.

The greatest friend of the soul is the unknown…

Yet we are afraid of the unknown because
it lies outside our vision and our control.
We avoid it or quell it by filtering it
through our protective barriers of
domestication and control.

The normal way never leads home…”

John O’Donohue


~

“The spiritual journey is individual, highly personal.
It can’t be organized and regulated.
We can only keep turning to our Hearts,
listening to what feels right...
It isn’t true that everyone should follow one path.
Listen to your own truth…”

Ram Dass

~

Photo:  This is actually a photo of a curtain on a window
I digitally played with the colors and got this affect
of a building with windows – albeit distorted -
reflecting, for me anyway, that there
are many windows of the soul
we have yet to
open...

Intimacy With Infinite Silence...

I *am* nameless, and formless...

I *am* Infinite Silence.
Alive, Aware, Ever-Present
Silence…

“I” dissolve into the Great Ocean
of Silent Awareness,
Silent Beingness;
non-existent Existence
that just IS!

Silence is That which LIVES,
the formless Essence of Life -
nothing else…

Everything is dissolving…
The form dissolves into energy,
into fluidity,
into Infinite fluid Silence.

I *feel* my “self” dissolve.

Silence turns into Joy,
into excitement, and curiosity -
innocent once again;
a natural process of metamorphosis
into the True State
of nameless Silence.

I *love* the nameless Silence that I am!
The fluid Silence of Life
Open and Aware

Intimate…

THIS is JOY!

Mystic Meandering

Meditative Writings
August 26, 2013

~

Photo: Shadow of my husband...

You might also like:
Intimacy with Deep Silence
or some of my other
prose poetry and meditative writings
listed under "Poet" in the right hand margin...

A Sappy Love Story...

I am always deeply moved by the kindness of strangers.  I don’t mean acts of courtesy like when someone allows you to go ahead of them through a door, or at an intersection on the road, or ahead of them in line at the store, but unexpected acts of genuine kindness that make a deep impression in the heart, and leave it open.  This was one such occasion.

Friday I drove over to a local craft store to look for an item to use in a painting that I had had an image of in a meditation last week.  When I drove into the parking lot a large, bright yellow and black Monarch butterfly flew over the left top edge of the windshield and down in front of me – flying just ahead of me.  It felt like I had been gently and unexpectedly graced from another realm.  It certainly got my attention…  It flew on and I turned into a parking slot – wondering if there was any significance to it…  Usually when something like this shows up right in front of my face, it means I need to pay attention to something.  Butterflies represent a process of metamorphosis, morphing into their True State, breaking through a self-imposed cocoon, opening their “wings” more fully and taking flight.  I didn’t know that the cocoon of my Heart was about to be opened!

I also unexpectedly found what I was looking for in the store and quickly headed for the check out counter.  I was the only one at the counter, besides the cashier, or so I thought.  The item was not very expensive, but still I enquired if it might be on sale, as I had noticed 50% off tickets on some of the shelves around where I found the item.  It wasn’t.  So the woman rang the item up and gave me the total.  I was about to pay when I was suddenly aware of a tall woman standing next to me.  In a soft-spoken voice she said: “Wait a minute, I think I have a coupon here.”  At first I was confused, and then realized she had dug out a rumpled up coupon worth 40% off any item and handed it to the cashier for my purchase!  It meant a savings of over $7.00.  I was gobsmacked!  Had she been standing there all along and I hadn’t noticed her!?  Had she heard me ask the clerk about a discount?!  I had no clue where she came from!  Really!  Like the butterfuly that was suddenly in front of my windshield!  I was overwhelmed and a bit in shock…  I turned to her and met her large soft eyes, and humbly thanked her a couple of times, and then left with my package – and my heart opened; most likely never to see her again…  Gone like the butterfly…  Amazing…   I found more than my “item” on this errand! J  It seems I found my True Heart again - the soft , open Heart hidden within the cocoon…

When I got to the car I started crying – and cried nearly all the way home – as my heart softened and opened even more…  Sounds sappy maybe, but I am always moved by these acts of connection and kindness with total strangers when least expected.  And I thought how often I do not act out of kindness towards others in this way, but put my blinders on, feeling overwhelmed by crowds and noise, staying in my cocoon,  just wanting to get the errand over with, consequently less *aware* of those around me.  I wondered how many opportunities for kindness I have missed along the way…  I now will be paying more attention, being more aware, and keeping my heart open – letting those rumpled-up heart wings unfold…

What touches your Heart deeply?

~

Photo: The shadow looks like
a butterfly wing to me J

Tending The River Within...

Sometimes you read something and it just really resonates, either in whole or in part.  Recently I read the poem below from a link on – findingmybliss – and it touched me deeply.  It reminded me once again how necessary it is to tend the Quiet place within – the River of  Sacred Silence that flows within us all…   The poem speaks to what I aspire to, but certainly have not achieved…  Maybe that’s why it touched me.  I have highlighted the lines that spoke to me the most…

The Quiet Power

By Tara Sophia Mohr

“I walked backwards, against time
and that’s where I caught the moon,
singing at me.

I steeped downwards, into my seat
and that’s where I caught freedom,
waiting for me, like a lilac.

I ended thought, and I ended story.
I stopped designing, and arguing, and
sculpting a happy life.

I didn’t die.  I didn’t turn to dust.
Instead I chopped vegetables,
and made a calm lake in me
where the water was clear and sourced and still.

And when the ones I loved came to it,
I had something to give them,
and it offered a soft road out of pain.

I became beloved.

And I came to know that this was it.
The quiet power.

I could give something mighty, lasting,
that stopped the wheel of chaos,
by tending to the river inside,
keeping the water rich and deep,
keeping a bench for you to visit.”

~ ~ ~ ~

Photo: Light in the kitchen sink
digitally enhanced

Learning about Love...

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves,
and not to twist them to fit our image.
Otherwise we love only the reflection of
ourselves we find in them…”

Thomas Merton

“You have to learn to get up from the table
when love is no longer being served…”

Nina Simone

“Love arises when you die into
the Unknown Mystery of Being -
when you realize that Love
has no intention to change you,
it has no agenda…”

Adyashanti

Pain and "The Way of Things..."

The last few days I’ve become acquainted with pain and “the way of things” – as spiritual teacher Ram Dass calls it - which sounds much nicer than the dismissive phrase - “it is what it is” - that I have often heard in terms of the way life goes.

Today I was supposed to take my mother for her eye surgery.  But as it turned out my sister and husband had to take on that responsibility when my back went into spasm last Friday night, after another 3 hour doctor’s appointment with my mother and an hour’s drive on either end.  It was a pain worse than any I remember.  It went up the right side of the spine and around the right side of the rib cage.  Despite self-massage, back rubs, heat packs, ice packs, stretching, energy work, trying to find a comfortable position, praying my muscles would release their grip, the pain remained intense.  I finally gave in to pain medication at 5:10 am Saturday morning - after no sleep, and playing musical chairs all night.  The medication knocked me out for a couple of hours, leaving me feeling drugged – but the pain returned.  It wasn’t done with me yet…     

In the ensuing days I speculated that this must be my unconscious emotional resistance (and not so unconscious) J contracting against life as it is.  On the other hand, I thought, it may have simply been a matter of body mechanics, sitting in the car, and those uncomfortable waiting room chairs.  And on the other hand, if everything is exactly as it should be, then maybe this was a larger Universal Intelligence (which I would like to believe there is J) telling me I didn’t need to be in control, on top of things, always available, feeling responsible; that it was time to let go, to release this old role that tends to keep me in knots and a little “wired” as my mother and sister have recently alluded to, suggesting that my “presence” was not necessarily “helpful.” J That was an interesting reflection in the mirror. J

Or – just maybe – for the moment - it was just “the way of things”: Life playing Itself out as it does with no hidden meaning, agenda, or conclusion…  And yet I do feel like I was given an opportunity here to see things differently  – about myself and my assumed roles; as well as seeing the need to take care of myself both emotionally and physically and not try to be super woman for my family.  I also became aware that no matter how one *tries* to be “present” or helpful, if it cannot be done from a deep place of Presence, and only comes from the place of personality/ego, then it’s best to just back out of the way…  In this case, I was literally “taken out” – for whatever reason.

Pain has an interesting way of bringing us to our knees, dissolving defense mechanisms, and our self image: those lofty *ideas* we have of ourselves, like being “spiritual” or “helpful” or “present”, demanding that we surrender to the moment as it is – to look at things as they really are, including ourselves and how others see us – and being willing to see the truth of it.  Although will have to say I wasn’t that philosophical about it at the time.  I had no higher thoughts of “spirituality.”  I was just a person in pain, in the immediate experience of pain, tyring to do my best to ride the wave: sometimes resisting the pain, and sometimes remembering to breathe into the experience, allowing it to be what it was in the moment.   Resisting, allowing, resisting, allowing, again and again and again, all the while taking my pain medication with gratitude J, until the muscles finally let go of their grip - yesterday.  *I* was not the one “letting go.”  No matter how I *tried* to control the letting go by trying to relieve the pain, it had its own way, and its own time evidently.

And so it goes…  Pain, family dynamics, and life in the moment…  The way of things…

Allow

by Danna Faulds

“There is no controlling life.
Try corralling a lightning bolt,
containing a tornado.
Dam a stream,
and it will create a new channel.
Resist, and the tide will sweep you
off your feet.
Allow, and grace will carry you
to higher ground.
The only safetly lies in letting it all in –

the wild with the weak;
fear, fantasies, failures and successes.
When loss rips off the doors
of the heart,
or sadness veils your vision
with despair,
practice becomes simply bearing the truth.
In the choice to let go of your
known way of being,
the whole world is revealed
to your new eyes.”

~

Photo:

Rain on screen through window
looking out at the back yard

Sabbatical Moment - Rainlight...

We are in “monsoon” season here where we are supposed to get thunderstorms and showers every afternoon or evening.  It’s very localized, so sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t.  But Saturday evening, before dark, we happened to get one of the “monsoons” J  The thunderstorm and rain swirled around us, leaving all the screens and windows covered with rain and raindrops.  The neighbor’s motion sensor light was on in his side yard.  So I grabbed my camera and caught these shots of light through the raindrops.  I completely lost any sense of self with its issues, and was just in the moment, enjoying a "sabbatical" moment. 

“…drink the pure silence.”

”…let your ear teach you
which way to listen.”

“…wait without waiting;
as if it were dusk.”

and “…look into light falling,
in deep relief…”

~*~

Quotes are excerpts from a poem I found on line
by poet Philip Booth
from Lifelines…

Anticipation Part 1 and 2...

August is looking to be a busy and challenging month, which actually started already in July…  With my last few posts on “sabbatical” life you might think my absence here has been because I have been blissfully raptured in Silence.  Not so… J   Instead I have been attending to the requirements of daily living, and tense family issues – feeling more like an automaton in “The Matrix” – distracted from the deeper Life within…

Hubby is winging his way south again on the long 525 mile ride to visit his mother in NM for a few days, which will finally give me some days to settle into meditative Silence, living “sabbatically” – meditating, journaling, reading, painting, or however Being moves within – finding The Rhythm again - moving intuitively and fluidly *with* the day – like spontaneously writing this post… J  Although I love my “alone time” I am already reminded how much I miss him when he’s not here – anticipating his safe return…

Also anticipating Mother’s eye surgery, scheduled for Aug 14^th, requiring several appointments before and after.  We already had one 3 hour appointment in the surgeon’s office.  It’s been frustrating with her dementia to get everything coordinated, and everyone on the same page.  My mother’s confusion is getting worse, although she is able to hide it quite well when we go to for her appointments.  I didn’t realize how serious it was until I discovered that she couldn’t answer my questions about when her appointments were, and what they were for, as she had managed to get it all confused, even though she had written it all down.  You see, I made the mistake of letting her make her own appointments, not wanting to “take over”, not realizing just how serious her dementia was getting.  I wanted to let her still feel like she was in control of her own life -  as if any of us really are – and yet she believes she is – and is not giving up easily.  She insists that she’s not confused, and is feeling like we are making her look that way.  And yet, clearly, there is confusion, loss of memory from one moment to the next, and a strong willed stubbornness that doesn’t want to admit that she needs help keeping track of things – like a bill that didn’t get paid for 3 months!  Oh dear…

And of course, there is the anticipation of how things will go the day of surgery and the day after. Like will she be able to see…  Last time she could not see out of her eye the day after surgery.  No one had told her that that was a possibility. She had gone into the surgery anticipating that her eyesight would immediately improve.  Instead, she  needed a corneal transplant 4 months later.  And with my own health issues I wonder if I will have the stamina to to stand up under the physical and emotional strain with little sleep – anticipating an early morning surgery time – like 6:30am, check in up to two hour before.  Are you kidding me!  I don’t even know how my mother will be able to do that!  So I commandeered my husband to go with me for support. J  Everythying is done outpatient now, requiring family to be the primary caretakers. Thankfully, at home, my sister has that duty of eye drops every two hours.

Added to this we were anticipating the possibility of my Mother-in-law having to be transferred to a Care Facility here near us from NM in August.  We checked into local facilities with Alzheimer’s units.  Her coming here would mean I would be actively engaged in her care - being on top of things with the care facility, and several daily visits to help feed her.  Gratefully that is not going to happen.  But needless to say with the uncertainty and anticipation I have been feeling a little overwhelmed - knowing that I need “sabbatical.” 

All this anticipation is based on the story of what *might* happen, I know…  But sometimes life is lived that way – with anticipation.  It’s not that one is not in the moment as it is, but it also unfolds with anticipation.  At least that *is* how Life is unfolding here at the moment.  I need to remember that it’s all just waves on the great Ocean of Consciousness, and turn towards the Inner Abiding Self – and abide there; not getting overwhelmed by the requirements of life at the moment - although at times I feel like I’m climbing Mt. Everest without air – but lean into the mountain/moment and keep going.

Window sitting, meditiating, and Silence are my ways of leaning into life, maintaining the awareness of, communing with, and deepening into the Divine Presence within, the vast Cosmic Ocean in which this life, this story, is all happening.  This is not my “escape” but my Life-line, so that I might fully function and be present in the midst of challenging times…  Looking “forward” to the present moment of “sabbatical” J

Anticipation Part 2

How quickly life changes… J

4 hours after B’s departure he called to say he was having car trouble.  He had stopped at a “garage” off the highway to see if they could tell what was wrong.  They couldn’t.  Told him he needed to find a dealership; they suggested he go back to Colorado Springs, more than two hours away.  He hoped he could make it all the way back home.  I am not sure I could even drive our 23 year old little Honda Civic anymore to go get him, as it is stick shift with a difficult clutch. 

So I waited - moment to moment – filled with anticipation – what ifs – hoping the car didn’t completely break down - waiting for the next phone call, indicating the next milestone.

I would like to believe that I could just step back into a wonderful place of peace and presence and deep acceptance of what is, but I was on edge – with anticipation – for nearly 4 hours.  So this is living in the moment, which in the moment was anticipation…  And even in that there is “acceptance” because what else can one do, but wait and anticipate…  Life is what it is from moment to moment. 

He arrived safely home at 6:45pm….

Ahhhh – life… J