Fall is Coming... Or is "The Fall" Coming...?

There are tell-tale signs in the air that Fall is coming. The date on the calendar no longer seems to coincide with what’s happening outside. There are a few leaves turning, and there is the smoky, woodsy-earthy smell of Fall in the evening air. Crickets are chirping less. The clouds are looking more like Fall clouds – that winter gray - as if readying themselves for the snows to come. But it’s still Summer here. Temps will reach into the high 80’s this coming week – actually nearing 90 they say. Summer is hanging on. The first week in October, according to the weatherman, the highs for the day will be 70 degrees across the board. Ahhhh – that’s what I’m waiting for – the chilly days of Fall, especially chilly, rainy, damp days… But so far, no rain in sight.

Internally Fall hasn’t arrived yet either – and I eagerly await its coming. Usually there is a feeling of inspiration, and a sense of clarity, of being energized from within. That hasn’t happened, as this body appears to be waning under the load of “family tending.” I no longer refer to it as “care giving” – but just tending what needs to be tended to. Friday I spent 7+ hours in the ER with my sister who was severely dehydrated. Her kidneys were failing. All because she had decided not to eat or drink for nearly 2 weeks – she *says* because of the severity of her back pain and the pain medication she was on that took her appetite away. And then she admitted to me, that it was also because the more that we encouraged her to eat, or asked about food, the more she shut down in order to gain control, until she finally put herself in such a weakened state that her poor body could not function. And I wonder, why one would want control so badly that they are willing to starve themselves for it – but obviously they do – they have medical names for it. Obviously there is a deeply unconscious mind at work here. And sometimes I feel like I am at the end of its emotional leash – and my rope, physically.

Fall reminds me of a threshold time, an in between place, a place of transitions, of liminal light, where the mantle of The Mystery wraps ItSelf closer around us – so IT can be felt, so we can notice its Presence. But the unconscious family dynamic here seems to muffle the awareness, dull the senses, and dampen the inspiration. The pull of the unconscious, and deeply latent emotional baggage, seems stronger than the pull to more quiet, sacred, untouched places within where inspiration of The Mystery lives.

I am certainly learning to surrender to “what is” – in ways I hadn’t anticipated. What else is there to do but surrender – to let go of my own unconscious need for control... I am learning a lot about choice, control and consequences of those choices. And yes, I do believe now that there are choices that have serious consequences being made by unconscious choosers. This does not mean that this “unconscious chooser” is in any way “separate” from The Mystery. It just hasn’t been noticed yet by the unconscious. But that’s another post. I’m supposed to be talking about the Fall that is coming :) – in terms of weather that is.

When one must be preoccupied with “family tending” somehow the seasons just meld into one another, awareness of what is Aware seems clouded, noticing the change of seasons with delight is less colorful, because the pull is towards the magnetism of the unconscious family dynamic. The ones who are most unconscious seem to have the most pull: the ones who do not act on their own behalf, who feel victimized and wronged by life, who reject any form of assistance, suggestion, or encouragement because it is seen as control. And control, for the unconscious mind, must be maintained at all costs, even by trying to kill the body – unconsciously of course. And "we" (the supposed enemy of the unconscious one) suffer the consequences of the unconscious right along with them – and maybe that’s part of the manipulation – to get us to pay for their self-imposed suffering. This may seem like a lot of drama – it is – but it is also life as it is – unfolding as it does. And I write about it because this *is* the reality at the moment. Life is not always “held together” by “spiritual glue.” Life falls apart and comes back together again all on its own, and you just learn to ride the waves…

So here we are in the sea of unconsciousness again – where the suffering of the unconscious takes place – waiting for “The Fall” of the unconscious; the demise of this bastioned inner sanctum of lost luggage. And it is seen that there is no intention or interest to claim its luggage by those who remain unconscious.

I truly look forward to the cool, clean, crisp air of clarity. It may be a long time coming…

Here are a few pictures reminding me that Fall is coming…

Oak Leaf and Acorns
collected on a walk...

~

I happened to step out our back door
one evening recently to this
beautiful sight of Fall clouds -
noticing the Fall air that
settles around everything
in the quiet of the night that
settles over the land..

Life is a Sand Fantasy...

For a woman, me, who is learning to surrender daily to “life as it is” – to face reality as it is – just this – just Now, I found this particular video fascinating and unexpectedly profound on many levels. Although probably not intended, there is a lot of Dharma in it about impermanence, change, facing reality, and living life as it is; obviously just what I needed. The Truth often comes through unexpected vehicles!

The video is of a woman named Ilana Yahav creating sand art. She calls it “Fantasy Sand Art.” The video is called “One Man’s Dream.” (It’s about 5 mins long, and you’ll need to close the pop-up boxes). He is dreaming of other realities, other places he’d rather be than the one he is in (only you don’t know this until the end). I find myself doing the same thing lately.

I am coming face to face with “life as it is” vs. my ideal of what I thought my life would be like at this stage of life, and am having a hard time adjusting to the reality of it – the reality of needing to be more involved and engaged with my elderly mother showing signs of dementia, who is trying to take care of my sister who has been bedridden the last two weeks with back and hip pain; possibly requiring more surgery. I see the writing on the wall here, and wonder how I will be able to keep pace physically – and emotionally, tending to their needs, as well as my own long term physical issues. We are all contending with the reality of our own situations, and each others. At this point the future seems daunting. But “the future” is sand fantasy too.

The challenge for me (besides the physical) is to not get caught in the re-play of family dysfunction and story - but to remember the Essence of Life that we all are. I can’t say that I’ve succeeded.

I show up and do what needs to be done in practical ways, while attempting to throw the sand around to create different realities *for them* - as if that were possible. Sand fantasy.

I experienced a rather intense melt down on Saturday (in private), coming to terms with life as it is, and my futile attempts to control it – allowing the anger, frustration and resentment to flow – which ultimately was a death knell for the "little me" who didn’t want to give up its false sense of control over “what is.” But the “me” with its need to control is sand fantasy too.

Byron Katie writes: “…when I listened within myself, I saw that the world is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. There is only what is, just the way it is, right now. Reality is what is true, whatever is in front of you, whatever is really happening, whether you like it or not…”

So this is my reality – just showing up for life and living it – the way it is.

Life is a sand fantasy – reality changes from moment to moment.

Enjoy the video!


For more cool sand art videos see Ilana Yahav's website:

http://sandfantasy.com

Open the Moon Window...

“At night, I open the window
and ask the moon to come
and press its face against mine…

Breathe into me…

Close the language-door
and open the love-window.

The moon won’t use the door,
only the window.”

Rumi

~


And what if the moon
whispered:


“…I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of
meeting your heart’s longing…”


“…show me how you reach
inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of
the Mystery…”


“What if your task is simply to unfold,
to become who you already are
in your essential nature -
gentle, compassionate,
and capable of living fully…”


“What if the essence of who you are
and always have been
is enough…”


“…remember…
you belong to the sacred life force;
you are an embodiment of
the sacred Mystery,
surrounded and held
by The Beloved…”


“…dance with me in the infinite pause
before the next great inhale
of breath that is breathing
us all into being…”


Oriah

~

I took the creative liberty of combining the above lines from
two different poems by Canadian author and poet Oriah,
as if combining quotes,
maintaining the essence of her writings.

The first stanza is a quote from her poem:
The Invitation
copyright 1999

The other stanzas are taken from
her poem and quotes from her book:
The Dance
copyright 2001

You can read the full poems on
her website:

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/


~

Photo ~ taken with my little Kodak Easy Share
two nights before
the Full Moon, Sept. 2011

The Joy of Spontaneity

Last Friday I was surprised by unexpected joy – aliveness – an inner dance of Light and lightheartedness. Unfortunately I haven’t had time to write about it until Now :). I felt an inner excitement that I know all too well comes and goes, just like the sad feelings, or any other for that matter – but I was delighted and amused by this feeling of spontaneous joy rising. Honestly, sad to say, it doesn’t happen that often. I do not have what might be considered a “joyful” outlook on life. :) In fact my mother called me “the dark cloud” most of my childhood. So an effusion of “joy” is not normally expressed here – we were not a band of “joyful souls.” There was a darker cloud that loomed over us, and it wasn’t mine. But I’ll spare you that story. Suffice it to say, there wasn’t an environment that nurtured joy. So when it arose within me I *knew* it had to come from a place of pure Being deep within.

It seemed to me that by honoring and giving space for the sadness to express the day before, it freed the space up for joy to spontaneously arise. I think the same is true with all our shadow aspects – our “darker” feelings. When they are acknowledged and recognized, it frees them, releases their hold on us, and opens the door for the heart to play - spontaneously…

Everything became spontaneous; every action, every idea, thought, movement – eliciting a sense of joy. I spontaneously went for a 2 hour walk at 12 noon, which I never do; didn’t think about it, just did it, and rediscovered a new place to walk and take pictures. I had driven over to my “regular” walking path, but there were two huge dump trucks blocking the road to the parking area, and many cars were already trapped there, waiting for the trucks to move, so I decided not to chance it. Feeling a little bummed that my moment of joy was about to wane, I spontaneously remembered there was a little park right near our house. So I went there, with anticipation and curiosity.

This inner joy thrived in my new surroundings as I walked down winding concrete walking paths through a small, tree-filled park with a small pond, manicured gardens still in bloom. As I strolled along with my new friend, Joy, taking it in, I spotted a big yellow and black butterfly fluttering around one of the round gardens that happened to be quite fragrant. I have no idea what those little pink flowers are, but they were potent. I tried to get a picture, but the butterfly’s wings just kept fluttering and “he/she” wouldn’t sit still – of course. She was just doing what a butterfly does – thoroughly enjoying herself. She moved from flower to flower and I’d chase after it trying to capture “the moment”, leaning into the flowers as far as I could, camera extended, to get the right shot, and she’d move on to the next blossom, and me with her - trying to keep up with her joyful dance. I was in the moment *with* her – completely focused, although having trouble keeping the camera focused on her. Somehow magically I managed a couple of fairly good shots! The dragonfly was more cooperative, as I caught him resting on a stem.

I thought of how contemplative photographers must be soooo patient, so mindful, so still, just waiting for just the right moment to snap the shutter; skills I have yet to learn – particularly patience and contemplative photography. I was having too much fun playing with Joy to be patient! I completely lost myself in the experience, in the fun of it, in the presence of nature’s joy. Life should be like this everyday – a nurtured sense of natural Joy! For some I know it is… It is our natural state of Being after all… But it seems to come more naturally for some…

Even in this new Now today - new day, new feelings - I remember how I *in*-joyed the experience whole-heartedly – spontaneously. Spontaneously knew when it was time to leave, and spontaneously went about the rest of my day – in an uncontrived, natural state of joy... I could say my entire being was purely joy-ing that day. :) Yes, I know, it’s called enjoying… I did that too…

Remember Joy!

Fracture

The desolate place of woundings
is like a stark canyon of deeply creviced walls
and fractured fissures;
a fracture of the heart almost unbearable.

But within the fragmentation is Life.
Hidden deep within these canyoned walls
is an eternal
Light
glowing, throbbing, pulsating -
nestled and protected in a stony enclave,
formed from ages and ages of exposure to the
”elements” of separation…

But the enclave cracks open,
and the Heart Light is exposed
through the quaking of intense pain.
The tremors of trauma loosen and unwall
the hidden
Life
within
revealing a pureness
of innocent vulnerability…

Like the awakening of first light,
gentle, full and graceful,
this shimmering brilliance emerges from
the fissure of fragmentation,
releasing its full expression,
pulsing the message of Love:

“Embrace it all.”


~♥~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
June 17, 2001

~

The Light finds an opening for ItSelf
*through* our shadows,
our fractures,
our woundings,
which allows us
to experience Its Fullness,
Its Grace…

May all who have felt fractured
by life’s woundings come to a
place of embrace
and rest…

Simply Sad-ing...

There is a sense that “the path” is changing once again – opening up – carrying me like a river to “places” unknown. And I don’t mean physical places, but those internal places of Spirit/Soul/Being ~ Heart. I’ve had these feelings before. Maybe it’s just that melancholy feeling I get when Fall comes round again – although it is my favorite season. Or maybe it’s a culmination of things coming together – and “falling” apart – the normal cycles of time, season, life - allowing the things that need to die in me to die.

Whatever it is, there is a deep sadness that sings in my heart these days – reasons not necessary. It emerges, subsides and re-emerges – like the seasons. So I listen to its song. She is really the Heart’s whispers disguised in the language of “sadness.” She has been waiting for me to open this window and listen – without agenda - not needing to *define* it in any particular way – only listening and letting her sing her song in my heart - calling me "Home." She is simply another pathway *in* to the Heart of Being.

There is a rawness and vulnerability in being open to sadness that feels like I’m letting go of everything that is familiar, and heading out into the open sea. And maybe that is the gift of sadness – allowing myself to be open to life, penetrable by life, experiencing the rawness of life with its feelings – not trying to be strong, to find cause, to fix it, or cover it over… Instead, I let sadness take me where *it* needs to go on its way to the Heart - as a natural part of life’s unfolding…

This does not mean that I am always sad, or wallowing in sadness here. I’m just experiencing how she dances in and out of being. It’s simply sadness – a feeling. Or one could say – simply “sading” - a verb, not an identity. Feelings are just different colors, different shades of Life living Itself, dancing to different tunes.

What color are you dancing to today?

Art: Gray Swirls
Craypas Oil Sticks

The Open Path...

It may be that when we no longer
know what to do
we have come to our real work…

And when we no longer know
which way to go
we have come to our real journey…

Wendell Berry

~

We’re all just walking each other home.

Ram Dass

~

If you don’t write the things
deep inside your own heart
what’s the use of churning
out so many words…?

Ryokin

~

I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
I want to free what waits within me,
so that what [I have not] dared …
may for once spring clear
without my contriving.

If this is arrogant, forgive me,
but this is what I need to say.
May what I do flow from me like a river,
no forcing and no holding back,
the way it is with children.

Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
these deepening tides moving out, returning,
I will sing to you as no one ever has,
streaming through widening channels
into the open sea.

Rainer Maria Rilke
Rilke’s Book of Hours

I Cry for Sirens...

This morning, as I was driving to my mother’s to take her to the eye doctor, I passed an ambulance speeding down the fast lane coming from the opposite direction across the medium; lights flashing, sirens blaring, horn frantically honking to get the traffic ahead of it out of the way. I immediately started to cry. I had forgotten that since childhood the sound of ambulance sirens makes me cry… It’s as if my heart leaps out of my chest, knowing that whoever is in that ambulance is in trouble and needs help. I can hear it in the sirens – of course – that’s what they’re for.

This morning I recognized this strange phenomenon as the heart of compassion. I felt the heart of compassion that actually lives here wake up again. I had never thought of it that way before. I’ve always tried to hide this little quirk of crying at sirens; to stuff those feelings, to hide the love that wants to express itself, to stop myself from crying. I thought there was something emotionally wrong with me. Or maybe that it had something to do with being hospitalized many times as a child after birth. I have rationalized that because I had been hospitalized so many times that maybe I had *heard* sirens a lot, and that’s why they made me cry.

Today I recognized the tender heart of compassion – crying *for* someone in trouble, in danger, maybe dying, or in pain and possibly suffering. It has always been here, since childhood – this little heart of compassion. It has been covered over with layers and layers of fear; not allowing myself to overtly *feel* and express the compassion that is there. I also hid it behind a mask of adulthood, and a mask of “spirituality.” That’s easy to do in some “spiritual circles,” you know – to not feel, to hide what you feel behind a mask of ideology, belief, ritual or religiosity. “Spirituality” becomes clinical, intellectual, philosophical, detached.

I learned to wear the “spiritual mask” early in life, and later in life to talk myself into lofty, wordified “spiritual” places. Please slap me if I do it again. :) I learned on “the spiritual path” that there is no “me”, and therefore no “other” because there is only Beingness. The danger of misinterpreting that is that another’s pain then somehow becomes invisible – instead of recognizing that our pain is all the same. How ironic. We separate ourselves from one another's heartache – dismissing it as just a story of a “me” that doesn’t exist - because feeling another’s pain leaves us too vulnerable, too engaged; and because we’d have to face our own – Heart that is. I know this is not true for all of us. I hid my Heart. But - the Heart remembers – and Love *sees*, hears, notices, *feels*, and *cares* - with deep compassion…

Today the rawness of an unprotected loving Heart exploded in my chest. And I remembered how that *feels*… And I rather liked it. I hope I never lose it; never stop *feeling*, whether it’s sadness, grief, or love and joy. I’m sure there will be more opportunities as Life opens this Heart more and more :) I not only cried, I smiled, because I knew it meant that the Heart that lives here is *Alive* – feeling – caring – loving…

♥

Simply Now-ing...

I’ve been basking in this “new” (and not so new) revelation that life is a story being lived by Life/Beingness ItSelf; that we *are* the living story of Life. And I’ve come down from my manic moment of joy at the revelation that Life lives this story of “me” that I’ve identified with all these years – and believed, for a while at least, needed to be “enlightened” – and have returned to a sense of simply living…

It occurred to me, during this “revelation”, that there is no “present moment” to be *in.* There is only the “Now-ing” of simply living life (not to sound too Tolle-ish :). That is – there is only the immediacy of our current experience, whatever that experience/story happens to be – just living that experience, however it unfolds; which may take several “moments”: hours, days, weeks, months, years. In Pure Awareness/Beingness, there is no awareness of past, present or future moments. There is only and ever Now-ing unfolding itself. You cannot *bring* your *self* into the “present moment.” “Present Moment” is a concept, a conceptual reality, a framework and structure of time – as is the individual sense of a separate self needing to be present, or *do* anything to improve itself, or become “enlightened.”

Therefore, NOW does not refer to time and space, but timeless Awareness, timeless Beingness – and the experience that is occurring *in* that timeless space *as* life. Beingness has no concept of “moment” or “presence” or “time” – or “self.”

“You”/Beingness just experiences, awares, lives whatever is happening without the framework or reference point of calling it “present moment,” or past, or future. (Did I already say that?:) It’s just Life being life. It is Beingness experiencing ItSelf as a “me” or “you” – as an experience within ItSelf... Simply Now-ing.

Time/thought/”self”/life is a “wrinkle” in the spaciousness of timelessness – like ripples on a pond… This is not new information – although I am seeing it as “new.”

“Now” is continually occurring, unfolding fluidly and seamlessly. Yet, still a ripple, a construct, *if* held onto too tightly by a belief in a “self” that can hold onto Now. This Now is not now, as in time or place. “Now” is eternally unending, constantly reverberating through the *concept* of past, present, future… Now is what the “wrinkles of time” happen *in* - Timelessness; no “present moment” – just whatever is occurring is the experience of “Now.”

And so the “awakening” seems to be that we simply recognize Life living life – seeing the Luminous in everything – recognizing and *knowing* that we ARE that Luminosity of Life living ItSelf –simply living; allowing the experience of living to take us “Home” – to the Heart of Being – which is Now. :)

“If you have no idea of self…
you are free from the idea of
past, present and future.”

Shunryu Suzuki

~

“By ‘Here’ I don’t mean this present space.
Here is within.
Presence is always here,
and you are always That.
This here is not the opposite of “there.”
This here, it is your Heart.
All the cosmos is but a speck in your Heart.

Enlightenment is always here.”

Papji
The Truth Is

~

"How can divine Oneness be seen?
In beautiful forms,
breathtaking wonders,
awe-inspiring miracles?

The Tao is not obliged to present
itself in this way.

If you are willing to be lived by it,
you will see it everywhere,
even in the most ordinary things."

Lao Tzu

~

"Now is not a moment in time,
but is truly timelessness – eternal."

Rupert Spira


~

Photo: The first rose of summer – gone now.

Love's Furnace...

We are the grace of Love,
the shimmer of Sacred Light,
lustrous uniqueness in a field of
multitudinal Divine Shimmers
~ autonomous, yet in glittering oneness.

We are the twinkle of liberated luminosity
radiating from the Heart Pulse of Love
within the Stream of Life,
in continuous unfoldment.
We are created, and create from,
the glowing embers
of the magical furnace of
Love’s Fire…

Receive the molten flow of golden translucence
that forms you in the fire of Divine Love.
Let it infuse you in every micron of consciousness
~ the Spirit of Golden Love Light turned fluid,
flowing incessantly and seamlessly
from the Primordial Heart.

Receive Love’s Presence,
and Love’s presents:
Grace
Freedom
Flow
Truth
Wisdom
Light and Love -----
Love of Love
Love experiencing Itself as Love
in every breath…


Written December 21, 2001


Art: Burning Fire Vortex
This was done during one of my recent fevers :)

Life Came Back...

Then when
it seems
we will never
smile again,
life comes back...









This photo and verse are on a blank greeting card that I found many years ago. (See copyright info below). I kept it for myself, to remind me that through the “dark” times, life does come back… Of course *Life* never goes away. It just changes form. Life morphs Itself.

During times of fever, through my recent experiences with illness, I was drawn into deep Stillness, similar to the space of aware Stillness in meditation – only deeper. I was surprised that illness could lead to such a deep space of Stillness. The mind and body - though laboring under illness - were less active, and I was able to find a deep inner space of rest - amazing. And yet, there were many times that it also felt as if “life” (the sense of aliveness, well-being, embodiment) had left and would not return – or at least was on hold somewhere in cyberspace maybe. Hello~o~o~o~o …. This is not to sound dramatic. I was not near death. It was just the way “I” experienced it. But of course “Life” hadn’t left – the body-mind was still here, still functioning… But it was experienced that *something* “left” – the felt sense of Presence. Inexplicable…

Monday night, however, “LIFE came back” – the healing rain came. There was a clear shift in body-mind. Energy returned to the body and clarity to the mind – a sense of wellness and well-BEing – a sense of being here, aware, alive; a sense of the spirit of LIFE embodying this body again. Although energy levels still seem to come and go.

“Life came back”, much as it had been before. There were no big revelations, no breakthroughs, no big shifts in perception. Life lived on – like nothing had happened at all. Even intentionally taking time out for “refuge” for a few days in Stillness last week, as part of my “recovery”, was not a life-changing “retreat.” My home did not suddenly become a monk’s (or is that monkess’s :) monastery filled with chants, meditation and enlightenment - darn. There was still – husband home 24/7 - again - conversing, engaging; meals to make, laundry to be done, sprinkler system to “help” fix; and mother continuing to call every day to see if I was “better” – no pressure there. :) My “refuge” was nothing more than taking refuge in inner Stillness – capturing moments of Silence as much as possible – listening inwardly as Life lived on.

Now I am experiencing a renewed curiosity in and re-commitment to this deep inner Stillness of Being, the Aliveness within, as a way of life. I take more time during the day to feel and listen to this inner Presence of Being, awareing IT, experiencing IT, breathing IT, absorbing IT - delighting in the wonderment of IT as it pulses through this body. However, I do feel the demands of ordinary life and requirements of daily living beginning to crowd it out - again. I understand why gurus, yogis, artists, writers, and contemplatives head for the hills, places unknown, caves and nature – to *live* in wondrous refuge and intimacy with the Stillness of Life within – listening deeply to Its Voice.

I am curious – What is your refuge? What allows you to experience the Aliveness of Being within on a daily basis?

~*~


Photo
copyright – Chris Jones
Card
copyright - The Borealis Press – 1997
Surry Maine

The Flame of Stillness...

Move
into
the
depths
of
Stillness

~ Internal Stillness ~

as
Stillness
draws
you
in
d
e
e
p
e
r
.
.
.



Touch the depths of Stillness within…
The Dynamic Stillness that is the core of all Life…

Feel the movement of It.
the subtlety,
the fluidity,
the rhythm ~


~ Just suspend in the embrace of Stillness ~


~ Just Being ~


Do not come seeking solutions,
remedies, or answers…
Just settle
into
the
deep
Stillness
that is
Life
ItSelf,
and let It
nourish
you.


Breathe
into
S
t
i
l
l
n
e
s
s
~
~
~


When movement comes from
deep Stillness within,
from Silence,
it has no fore-thought,
no thinking,
no planning,
no deciding.

It just
flows
from
the
depths
of
Life
ItSelf,

for the simple delight
of Being ItSelf ~
the delight of Life ~
animating ItSelf…

~

There is only the deep Stillness;
the deep, impenetrable, enfolding,
Light of Stillness,
shining Its brilliance
unendingly,
inextinguishable;
an eternal Flame,
Ever-Present

S
t
i
l
l
n
e
s
s
.
.
.

~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
August 2011


Art: The Flame of Stillness

Taking Refuge...

I realized through this ‘bout with illness the last few weeks that I have just been dancing on the surface of life, leaping from wave to wave, being driven by life events, life circumstances, family needs, focused only on what’s happening at the surface, trying not to be overwhelmed by other waves crashing around me. But of course, there it was, overwhelm that lead to illness. And most recently discovering that when one is “ill” one tends to fixate on the body and what’s wrong with the body – losing sight of the *depth* of Being that underlies it all.

It was also realized that what is needed here is deep rest and taking refuge in this deep Stillness of Being that is the Ocean of Life; sensing – again - what it feels like to live life from and as this deep place of Stillness – from the awareness and *knowing* of this Stillness that is Life.

So I am diving deep these days, taking refuge and resting in the deep Stillness of Being that is Home – experiencing what it feels like to BE well again in the core of my Being…

“I” shall return to blogging as the Ocean moves me, as the Inner Voice leads, as Stillness speaks, etc. In the mean time I’ll enjoy being inspired by all your wonderful blogs!

~ ♥ ~

The Medical Circus

I’ve been away at the circus a few days this week – the “medical circus” that is. It was quite scary actually. I had been in the ER 5 days before with a fever. Blood work did not indicate an infection, so they determined it was probably a virus. I was released. A couple of days later I started feeling better. And then Sunday another fever crept up and up to 100.4. At 8pm I got a call from the ER saying that the blood culture they did had come back positive for bacteria in the blood, and I must get back to the ER immediately because I could be septic, especially since I had a fever again. When I got to the ER the triage nurse used one of those ear thermometer machines and it said 98.4, I said no way. She was not amused. You’re not supposed to question a machine’s readings evidently. By the time I got back to an exam room my temp was 101.9 - and all the alarm bells went off – well not exactly. It took 2 hours before they put an IV in, or do any of the repeat bloodwork. And of course a repeat chest x-ray and ekg – just in case. I thought - this is going to be a lonnnnggggg night. I didn’t know how long. The ER doctor came in and said I would be admitted. I was just about to be taken to a room around 2am when she came back in and said: We actually think you have an Urinary Tract Infection. My reply: And I have to be admitted for that!? She nodded, probably because of my long medical history, and only one good kidney, and still that possibility of blood bacteria. So down the halls of the circus tent we went…

I am “allergic” to a lot of antibiotics, so I’m not only an enigma with this fever of unknown origin, I am difficult patient to treat. They can’t just throw the “usual” at me and send me out the door. And since the blood culture didn’t make it clear what bacteria they were treating, they weren’t sure what antibiotic on my short list to try. Nothing like playing Russian Roulette with antibiotics… Anxiety arose as I felt the juggling act begin.

After arriving in my hospital room I underwent a rather lengthy intake interview with the nurse who asked all kinds of silly questions, like – are you feeling neglected? My husband is sitting there. It’s nearing 3am. He needs to get home and get sleep. I just laughed and said are you kidding? She seriously looked at me and said no, as she continued to read the silly questions from her computerized list.

The Infectious Disease doctor came to see me during daylight hours. He evidently doesn’t like the night circus. I understand… He seemed like one of the only sane ones there. He said that if a blood culture doesn’t grow any bacteria in 3 days, and comes back positive after 5 days, then it’s usually a contaminated specimen. It would have been nice if the ER people knew that before they hit the alarm bell. And yet, I was obviously still very sick. He wasn’t convinced that it was “just” a UTI. He suggested other things and diagnostic tests ensued – more juggling.

My nurse for the day came to my room that first morning looking worse than I felt, and was not miss congeniality. Nurses have become more like automated specialized technicians, pushing around their computerized charting system on wheels and dispensing meds – looking a little like robots in a sci-fi flick. She came in, wrote her name on the white board and turned to leave the room without saying a word. Hello! I said, I have a question please. You have to catch these nurses when you can. I needed to know how to get a hold of registration to give them my insurance information – to make sure my admission had been authorized. I was curtly told that she knew nothing about insurance, that she had nothing to do with insurance. I don’t recall that that was my question, but hey, it was 7am and she looked like she’d been up for several days, so maybe her brain switch wasn’t on yet. I mumbled something unkind under my breath as she left the room. The circus lasted 3 days, like an unpleasant dream. I met a lot of interesting characters in the dream. Some attentive, competent, compassionate and caring, and one with a big heart, who engaged, made eye contact, and genuinely liked what she was doing. Ah – there’s always one.

It was all very surreal. On the one hand it seemed very real - physical body in crisis. On the other, it was like it wasn’t really happening, like I was just floating through it all. But, because of being fearful of the “medical circus,” I contracted into the fear dream. It was automatic. I was not thinking: “I am BEingness just having this experience,” or blissfully sensing BEingness, stepping back from the story that was taking place. No, it was just a head long dive into madness – contracting into fear and separation. It was soooo automatic. Until the third day.

Before I found out I was to be discharged that afternoon, even though still feeling quite ill – actually worse than when I went in - probably due to the antibiotics - I managed a wonderful “window sit” in my room. Wish I had been able to get a picture of my view: another wing of the hospital with strange looking architecture. Angled walls that protruded outwards in stair step fashion with small square windows and round vents on one side that let the light through at night – which was actually strangely soothing; little openings where the Light got through to remind me It was still there, even in the darkness. And if I put my chair close up to the window, leaned on the window sill and looked west, I could see the mountains against the back drop of a beautiful blue sky and puffy white clouds. Ah - there’s the sanity. I recognized it… I breathed it in, and tried to move into what the body was feeling, to just be with it, rather than fearing it. I sat with the fear in my gut and its constriction – with the whole body laboring under illness - trying to feel the space of Stillness beyond/within it all. For just a brief moment I felt it and the body relaxed… A brief respite from the circus…

Life in a body. :)

~

Photo: Close up of Glass Blown Ball

Omen of Change...

This ominous looking winged creature showed up at the back door on July 11th. Its wing span was at least 4 inches tip to tip – probably more. Its head still encased in its chrysalis. I had no idea what it was, so I contacted Cate Kerr from Beyond The Fields We Know. She is an aficionado of Flora, Fauna and Bugs, :) as well as a great photographer! She kindly went on a “diagnostic expedition” and returned a couple of days later with her findings. It was, she said, a Big Poplar Sphinx Moth. Looked like a stealth bomber to me! Being a mystic, I went on my own expedition to see what its symbolism might be. Mystics are like that. :) We like to explore and directly experience all aspects of Truth and the wisdom that shows up at the door.

As it turns out there are multiple meanings, but in general “moths” are ancient symbols of change – new directions – and revealing that which has been hidden. Good Omen I thought… And Sphinx – well there are multiple cultural meanings as well – but a Sphinx is kind of like a Chimera, a creation of the imagination - symbolizing a merging, or union, of many aspects - mind and body, intellect and spirit, Divine and human. Whatever cultural myths are believed become embodied in its symbols and spirituality – like separation.

On the same day that the Sphinx Moth landed, I had written in my journal: “There is definitely the *feel* of a shift in my life – a change of direction – but I have no idea what that is to be.” For a couple of months I’ve been experiencing this shift, getting these little hits, these feelings that life was being turned in another direction; that I have reached some kind of “turning point”, or what the Buddhists call a “turning of the wheel”, but was experienced as being stopped dead in my tracks, unable to move, to turn, to navigate – like being ground to a halt. My navigational system – my compass – is changing.

Direction: Unknown.

There was also a sense that all the scaffoldings that had held “me” in place needed to collapse – particularly the “spiritual scaffoldings” of “non-duality.” Meaning the framework, the conceptual structure of “non-duality” – not the actual *experience* of Beingness as It is. And with this there was a sense that there would be “new directions”, “new meanderings” along life’s path – unfettered, unencumbered, unbounded – out of the box. In a sense a move toward a freer, more authentic way of being in the world.

I am currently experiencing a great deal of unrest, unsettledness, and yes, even a sense of separation with all this – as if shaken to the core – which emerged this last week as another bout with “illness” that flattened me for several days. More scaffoldings collapsing…

What I seem to understand at this point in the shift - what I have always known, but have felt constrained by these mental “frameworks” - is that Life/Awareness/The Beloved/Existence *delights* in expressing ItSelf, and *how* It expresses ItSelf really doesn’t matter to It. Awareness has no concept of non-dual awareness, of non-dual language, of non-duality. It *sees* everything as ItSelf, and therefore as not separate from ItSelf. The idea that it is “non-dual” or “dual” does not even occur to It. It does not concern ItSelf with “non-duality” – or duality for that matter. It doesn’t *see* duality, the self, the me, as a problem to overcome, or be seen through, or merged with, as other than non-dual. The whole me/no-me, self/no-self concept, often discussed in non-dual circles, doesn’t matter anymore. I somehow had constrained mySelf by subtly making those very linear delineations, splitting Existence in two – creating duality; becoming more *self* conscious - trying to fit this expression of Being into a “non-dual” conceptual framework, instead of just Being what I already knew myself to be. My SELF!

BEingness being ItSelf…

What a relief! Such freedom! I can just be ME! - living from the Heart and not the framework, the scaffolding. In a sense I muted this Aliveness that wants to express here *through* constraining myself to the frameworks and scaffoldings of *conceptual* “non-dual” ideas, interpretations, language and beliefs – trying to fit myself into a nice neat “spiritual” box. And evidently this “new direction” is about coming Alive again, rekindling the Life that already lives here -“outside the box.”

Our Eternal Beingness only expresses “Livingness.” It’s only purpose, evidently, is to express Life, in all of its forms. “Livingness” expressing ItSelf as Life – all life, not just “non-dual” life – whatever that might mean…

Cue moth…

Light and Darkness...

Despite the intensity of the week where this body was flattened by environmental and physical issues, and the physical stress of having to be present for family, “I” am alive! :) Or should I say - Light lives! - even though I’m feeling a little lackluster these days. As I alluded to in my previous post, a sense of separation has occurred here – leaving a shadow. From a non-dual perspective this makes no sense. How can That which is not separate experience separation… How can the Light experience darkness… Yet, evidently it does, as that was my felt experience – *something* dissociated this week, and this body-psyche experienced the shadow of separation again.

Before this “dark week”, however, in meditations early in July, I started experiencing a “galaxy” of intense, brilliant light off in the distance in my internal vision that just appeared while in deep stillness. And although meditation has been sparse this past week, whenever I sat, I could still see this yellowish, whitish, goldish Light – despite the darkness that was experienced. Each time the Light appeared a little closer, a little brighter, a little bigger, until Saturday when it was right over my head, and then completely encompassed me in its brilliance, as if I was suspended in the Light; the Light becoming me, and me the Light – a metamorphosis of Light… And yet a shadow remains… It amazes me still, how one can experience the darkness and the Light simultaneously.

I thank all of you who have left me your well wishes, your Metta, your Light, Love, and suggestions for healing in your comments or in emails as I move through this shadow of “darkness.” It is greatly appreciated.

Namaste

Flattened

Last Weds evening this body was flattened by chemical exposure to a huge dose of liquid lawn fertilizer. No, not the rabbit, me. I was standing at the kitchen window, preparing dinner, as the lawn guy was waving his magic wand. I should have known better than to take that free offer for “Hydro Wet.” The wind was blowing directly at the house. As the strong smell of nitrogen wafted through the window I became nauseous, light-headed and vision blurred. We shut all windows and put the A/C on, but by that time the smell was in the house. I evidently got more than this body could handle and spent the next several days unable to function; not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually - as toxins coursed through this body. I was literally flattened on all levels.

It seems that *all* of our faculties (body, mind, sensing, and feeling) are involved in awareness, in knowing our Beingness. They’re all inseparable from the Whole - I know. But it was as if “Elvis had left the building.” I could not *feel* my Self embodied in this body. It was as if “I” had receded somewhere. But where did “I” go, I wondered as I lay there like a passenger on a ship rocking in a raging sea. It was like having an out-of-body experience that wasn’t “fun.” And all I could do was go through it – I’m still not all the way through. I wondered if that was what dying felt like - and hoped not. It took quite a bit of conscious awareness, and several days to *feel* *grounded* in the ground of Being again, through energy work and Rescue Remedy, lots of water, deep rest, and stillness. And “I” is still not “all in” let’s say. Body has definitely been shocked and is out of whack, energies warped, life rhythms wobbling, and unable to maintain harmony. Mental acuity is lessened – what’s left of it, as it has been waning anyway – but noticeably so… :) The body feels seriously compromised…

Throughout all this I felt “pressured” to “get better” because of family needs – and my mother’s innocent comment that “we need to get you better,” which didn’t help in the healing process, because I couldn’t relax and just be with it, just let it take its course. I kept telling myself, I need to get better - like I had any control over it. My disabled sister with severe back pain and elderly mother are 30 minutes away… Not good. I felt the full weight of the responsibility, but could not make the body function – of course – and no “miracles” were forthcoming… I thought, we definitely need to find some alternative, pragmatic solutions to “what is” – to the way life is at the moment, since none of us are functioning very well these days. This “care-giving” that my sister and I share, when she’s not flattened by her back issues, is fortunately not literal care-taking, but more taxi drivers for appointments, errand girls, grocery shoppers, kitty box scoopers, meal makers, trash taker outers, and just about anything that needs doing - being available – on call - for whatever is needed… I know many of you can relate to this too. But this body can’t keep going at this pace; and obviously neither can my sister’s. This body can’t be available all the time, as this is also what has weakened this body that is already compromised with health issues. “Getting better” is only a relative term for me. I know there are many who can relate…

During this “event” ego arose with its conditioning big time – which actually surprised me. “Ego”/me never really goes away, as some myths would have us believe. It is also inseparable from the Whole. But I was surprised that it could so easily regain control. It was as if I regressed to a former state. Personality traits that I hadn’t resorted to in years suddenly reared their ugly heads. I could blame it on the chemicals affecting my brain, liver, kidneys, etc., but I think there was a deeper “release” going on here.

Ego seemed to operate more in this state of body trauma, as this body mechanism struggled to rebalance itself. How easily that occurs when body feels threatened, I discovered. I went through denial, anger, pissyness, bitch queen, resistance, trying to create a different outcome, and finally a tiny surrender to the way things are – but not completely. I still felt pressured to “hurry up” and “get better” – for my family’s sake. I had a serious “One-on-One” conversation with the “One” that runs this body mechanism that I needed to be 100% “better” by Monday - the victimy, demanding bargaining stage. But I’m not in control here. That is obvious. The body and the “One” have their own ways.

I will say, it was seen again, at the window one night, that there *is* something here beyond the body mechanism that *wants* to live, to be Alive – that IS Alive here, and somehow sustains this body – so far…

~ ♥ ~

Life Just Keeps Happening...

Listening to the rain at the window,
trying to calm this frazzled body
after another week in the “family vortex.”

Listening to the sound of the rain come and go,
as storms roll through,
one after another this night…

The rain hits the large zucchini leaves in the neighbor’s garden,
tick, thunk, tick…
and the metal downspout,
clink, plank, clink…
Delightful sounds ~

I watch lightening streak through the sky,
cutting through the clouds;
dancing a beautiful light show.

Life just keeps happening…

That’s what nature teaches me -
Life just keeps happening no matter what.
It always amazes me how nature just keeps being itself.
The world keeps grinding on, despite what’s going on in our personal lives;
or physical bodies.

Life just keeps happening…

Although sometimes I feel like my body is caught in a grinder,
being pulverized by life…

So I come to sit at the window at night to regain a sense of Self,
to come back to nature for a bit of rejuvenation;
to sit in Silence of ‘The Beloved’

Life just keeps happening…

It seems the “remedy” for this helter-skelter life I’m living is awareness –
just stopping –
being aware of nature –
the sights, the smells, the sounds;
aware of the Life that is living here;
aware of the Silence that breathes me…

And rest ~

Deep rest ~

Doing nothing ~

Just Being ~

Just listening ~

to Life happening.

~

Storms roll through…

The family vortex spins…

And Life just keeps happening…


~ ♥ ~


Mystic Meandering
copyright
July 2011


Art: Bee Vortex

I actually did this one several weeks ago
but it seemed fitting for this post.
It is a combination of a couple of colors
but one in particular kept dragging,
creating these splotches,
giving it a rather
hectic look,
like a vortex of bees…

Or maybe that’s just my
projection at the moment :)

Shadowy Caverns

“Window Sitting”/Meditating is not just about floating around in the ethers, as I think I read one blogger refer to it recently – or some version of that. It’s about sitting with whatever shows up at “the window” – the inner window of awareness. It’s about sitting in our shadowy caverns with/as our True Nature – Eternal Beingness. This week I’ve been exploring those shadowy caverns again. It was the impetus for the piece of art above, the piece of prose poetry in the previous post, and, where the word “collapse” showed up.

Some have experienced that when they have had that wonderful moment of “awakening” to the Truth of Who they really are – Eternal Beingness - all their shadowy aspects melt away, dissolve, dissipate, collapse, and they are forever gone. That has not been my experience. I still visit the “shadowy caverns” on a regular basis. And I sit with the shadows at "the window" in the space of Silent Awareness…

One night this week, as I settled in to the deeper place of Silence, I became aware of the pain of a very deep sadness within. The sadness about the way life is, and the way life isn’t. She had been beckoning me all day to enter her cavern, but I had held her off. And here she was – waiting for me again at the window; waiting to be acknowledged, listened to, heard, felt, experienced authentically. So I peered in to her gaping wound. I saw lots of other shadowy figures there too - angst, grief, anger, frustration, resentment, anxiety and worries of daily life. They’re all related, but sadness wanted my attention that night. Sitting at the window I felt her heavy pain, so I began to explore her shadowy haunts in the body; how she moved through this body, the places she liked to hide – my solar plexus and chest - and the pressure she creates in my throat when I try to resist her, to hold back the tears, pretending she’s not there.

As I explored her, I heard the word “collapse” arise. As I heard this word internally I felt a release in the self-body-mind structure. I then consciously repeated the word to myself, and I felt the scaffolding begin to melt – the scaffolding of the sad self – the constriction of the sadness released. Amazed – I felt myself sink. The body-mind sank into the liquid state of Being, if only just briefly. Whoa – really? Amazing! Let’s try this again!

I noticed that every time I said the word “collapse” to myself I felt this sense of relief, and the self-body-mind structure relaxed – collapsed – and sank. I became curious and started playing with the word. Sadness arose and collapsed like the rise and fall of the waves back into the ocean. What was left behind was a sense of liquid relaxation. Sadness has not gone for good, she rises again and again, but this week it’s been an exercise in awareness and collapse. Kind of takes the whammy out of those shadowy figures… No more boogey men lurking in the cavern… Only the realization that when sitting in the space of deep Stillness of Being even those dark caverns are just places for feelings to rise and fall, to come and go.

A sense of deep compassion arose for this sadness. It was seen that the *recognition* of this sadness was actually what allowed the “collapsing” to occur. That is, *feeling* it, awareing it, allows it to collapse. This “collapsing” was also felt as an organic unraveling, or unwinding on a cellular level. And in the “collapse” a sense of openness and fluidity returned. No “floating in the ethers” but a simple sense of flow, of openness and groundedness in Beingness ItSelf.

It was also seen that by sitting with the *awareness* of Eternal Beingness, the scaffolding of self and its shadows collapse. And beneath the scaffolding there is a deeper Cavern of Stillness, the stillness of Eternal Beingness that is Alive with Life and fills every crevice with its Liquid Light.

Really… Imagine That…

~ ♥ ~

Art: Shadow Cavern